♥ Monday, October 13, 2008
"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
...
People said that the feeling of not knowing what to do is so real and painful... I couldn't agree more.
Perhaps when reality has settled in, pain is suddenly felt. If it's not something important, there won't be pain. Or so it seems.
You know, something miraculous happened today. It's about a story between two people, and how one of them told the other one to wait for him, because he's coming.
I thought that there's no way that person will come, or to fufill his promise, because it has always been like that.
And he came, for him. Just as he said he would.
I thought he would never come.
Have I lost faith in miracles?
It seems that I'm so resigned in my fate, and reality, that nothing appears or has the potential to be a miracle to me anymore.
Even when something that you do appears to be a new miracle for the both of us, I can't see it anymore.
Maybe it's because I don't dare to delude myself anymore, for the heartaches that comes with the truth afterward is just too much to bear.
I can go on thinking that we're back to normal now, because you said hi, because you said this, because you did that.
The truth still stays as blatant as it ever was.
The fact that you blocked me from MSN; I'm sorry if I sound petty, but I suppose that's a pretty solid sign that you still hate me.
I'm resigned to my fate.
I just took it as a duty to shoulder the blame, because it is just my fault. If I didn't do this, if I didn't say that, perhaps we wouldn't be like how we are now.
Is it so? I don't know. I don't want to know. It's too late, I think.
Right now, if you're with the person you love the most, and if she can make you so happy, then I think that's the best way out too.
I'm once again reminded of the fact that the days I spent with you... are probably just days that were created because I was selfish and manipulative.
If I really love you, then I should stop bothering you, right?...
I don't know what to do come band camp. Maybe I shouldn't even go. I don't know...
I feel like I was trying to make the two of us closer, when we weren't even close in the first place. Once again, I forced you to do things that you don't want to do. But, don't all relationships, be it friendship or love, start with two people not knowing each other at all?
It's time to stop giving excuses.
I have lost the power to believe in miracles. It feels like I'm doing something that is not myself, which is to resign to my fate. I feel like fighting on, I feel like persisting, I feel like hanging on. But I guess, I'm only fighting against myself in the end.
Can I blame your friends? Can I blame misunderstandings. I can't. I can only blame myself; it's my fault.
Be it fake or not, I will keep these memories inside me, and walk on, just like how I've always been. Like Elaine in 'Evening Under Frangipani', my life will just be a lie.
You, somewhere out there, please always be happy.
---
These few days have been going on fine for me, I've been studying! I went to school to study some Lit and to consult Mr Wu (was supposed to be Miss Png but somethings cropped up) on some Maths questions.
I saw so many sec4s and it just makes me feel that I'm putting in such pittance of an effort, as compared to them. Just like how I've really put in a pittance of love to you.
---
The person who tagged you is?
- Jack
Your relationship with him is?
- Friends
Your 5 impressions of him?
1) Friendly
2) Potential paedophile target, I think (look, Xing Han is kind of smitten over you)
3) Piano-natic
4) Good taste (since you like JEWEL =])
5) Black? Oops.
The most memorable thing he has done for you?
- Hmm... hmm... hmm... I think, lending me money.
If he becomes your lover, you will?
- Eew. I will go die.
If he becomes your lover, the thing he has to improve on would be?
- Like I seriously don't care and this HAS TO BE the last question on being potential lovers.
If he becomes your enemy, you will?
- Probably respect his decision, but I sure hope that we won't become enemies.
What thing you want to tell him now is?
- Best of luck for O' Levels!
Your overall impression of him is?
- Black. No, I mean, fun.
How do you think people will feel around you?
- Squeezed? Because I'm so fat OMG I'm kidding.
I think they will feel... I don't know? Everyone feels differently around me, even though I'm sure he hates it whenever I'm around him.
The characteristics you love about yourself are?
- Nothing.
On the contrary, characteristics you hate about yourself are?
- I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for forcing you. I hate myself for being myself.
The most ideal person you want to be is?
- Your lover. But realistically, a rich person. With no tummy, and no moobs.
For people who care and love you, anything to say to them?
- Thank you, but I don't suppose I'm worthy of any concern. I jinx and curse and am a burden to people who are nice to me, seriously.
Pass this quiz to 10 people to know how they feel.
1) Chien Teng
2) Nicholas Tan
3) Justin Onggo
4) Joseph Ng
5) Xing Hao
6) Jia Wei
7) Zhen Cheng
8) Fredy
9) Chang Jun
10) Shaun Ho
Disclaimer: I bet like all of them won't be doing this time-taking quiz, because ... yeah.
Who is No. 6 having a relationship with?
- I don't know.
Is No. 9 a male or a female?
- Male (and Jack omg you said only appearance is a male WTF man!)
If No. 7 and No. 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
- No?
What is No. 2 studying?
- His freaking (omg!) 10 subjects. And perhaps learning to be cold-hearted.
When was the last time you had a chat with No. 3?
- Saturday? Oh wait I think it's Friday. Yeah, Friday.
What kind of music does No. 8 like?
- AYU! And Band, I guess. And that Tohoshinki like so MIROTIC.
Does No. 1 have any siblings?
- A brother (is this considered as infringment of privacy?)
Will you woo No. 3?
- two words. NEVER EVER
How about No. 7?
- two words. NO WAY.
Is No. 4 single?
- No.
What is the surname of No. 5?
- Ngiam
What is a hobby of No. 10?
- Kao-pei-ing me.
Do No. 5 and No. 9 get along well?
- I suppose so?
Where is No. 2 studying at?
- MSHS, and soon to be, HCJC.
Talk about something for No. 1.
- Do this quiz, PLEASE!
Have you tried developing feelings for No. 8?
- Wtf? No way, like never ever, omg!
Where does No. 9 live?
- Ang Mo Kio
What color does No. 4 like?
- I don't know. Omg. Tell me!
Are No. 1 and No. 5 best friends?
- I am not too sure myself either.
Does No. 1 have any pets?
- A lot of fake dogs lying on his bed.
Is No. 7 the sexiest person on Earth?
- No.
What is No. 10 doing right now?
- How on earth would I know?
So remember, the Chosen Ones, Do the quiz! Lol.
---
"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at those times
But that was then and this is now
I remember I've always drawn the curtains
In an awkward way
Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have perhaps gone on a long journey
With the most important person
If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight
As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say, 'good-bye'
And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you
Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being humain is joyful
Is it all right that I think like that?
So I walk on
And you'll walk on too, right?
With light shining on
Our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:11 PM
