binaryface @bs.com

♥ Sunday, November 12, 2006

I saw you in my dreams again
And I thought you were by my side
I heard your voice again
And I thought you had come alive

But when I woke up
From this realistic dream
I realised that
I was deluding myself again

I'm watching your shadow
On my wall again
When will I wake up
From this illusion?

Someday, my darling
I'll see you in heaven
Where the angels sing
And everything seems
So blessed
Somehow, my dear
I'll be with you
Where no one would
Say anything about

I'm lying to myself again
That you don't dislike me at all
I'm comforting myself again
That you love me

But when I remembered
How I was with you
I knew it was bleak
And I should stop dreaming

I can't stop this feeling
I feel like crying
But I can't lean
On your shoulder

Someday, my darling
I'll see you in heaven
Where the angels sing
And everything seems
So blessed
Somehow, my dear
I'll be with you
Where no one would
Say anything about

Why is that
We can't be with the one we love?
How is that
We keeping loving the wrong person?

Frozen in time
I try to reach for you
But as soon as I do
You disappear from my sight

I know
It's all
A lie

Someday, my darling
I'll see you in heaven
Where the angels sing
And everything seems
So blessed
Somehow, my dear
I'll be with you
Where no one would
Say anything about


That's a poem I wrote, or lyrics if you prefer it to be. Take it as a shit poem or a nice one. I don't care. I like it.

Listened to music @ 9:53 PM

♥ Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Why are humans such whores? We only realise how much we need somebody when he's gone, when we know that we can't see him anymore.

I think life is like sex, and the progtanist is like a promiscuous whore. You (progtanist) had sex with alot of people. Those who gave undesirable sex keeping coming back. But those that got you a fantastic orgasm and so high and such enjoyable sex are just one-night-stands. Isn't it like life? The people whom you hate stick their asses around and you can't shake them off. But those whom you love so deeply and you need them so much, keep disappearing from your life. What was left of them yesterday, is just a shadow today.

I really need him. I really need him by my side, to motivate me, to give me support, to take me through the night.

I don't care if I'm addicted to him, I don't care if I look like a possessive slut, all I know is that I have to have him, because I need him.

I won't forget you my friend, I'll keep you locked in my head, my darling, who knew?

Who knew that you would leave so abruptly and I'm feeling so empty and so crestfallen now.

I feel so tempted to kiss you to touch you to hold you to embrace you and feel the warmth of your body, but even a brush against your skin seems so forbidden...

Will you forgive me for everything?

Listened to music @ 9:13 PM

♥ Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I'm listening to a list of songs I've compiled in i-Tunes, titled "Inspiration". But it isn't really working. The songs aren't really making me feel better... well let's see Pieces Of Me... Beautiful by Christina Aguilera, which always cheers me up is 16 songs away.

It's all bleak now. Some things aren't really worth hoping for. What has become of me? Is God playing tricks on me? Does He just want to torture me so that I can submit under His power?

Thank you Christina Aguilera. Your countless amount of inspiring songs pulled me through my dark hours. But who knew? My darkest hours have JUST STARTED. And your songs, your lyrics, your voice is beyond what I need to heal. I love you and you're my idol. But the end is the end, I guess it's time to give up.

I'm trying my best to stay strong. Yes I am a fighter, trust my voice within, I'll soar, I'll love me for me, I'm not gonna be underappreciated, I am beautiful.

Please God. Stop your tricks, I can't take it anymore, I admit defeat. Let me off, PLEASE.

I don't even know why I'm trying in the first place, every obstacle that's thrown to me I've supressed it. I've lost my health, I lost my fighting spirit.

I look up to Mary, Mother of God. Jesus Christ looked at me. God looked at me. I need to rest. To hibernate. To sleep through this harsh winter. But I can't. Because I have seniors whom I love oh so deeply and I'm not going to let them fight this thing alone. I will help.

So I'll take a deep breath, and I'll know my fighting spirit is back again. I'm healing. For that day when I'll be invincible is nearing. Only if God would allow me to.

Listened to music @ 9:43 PM

♥ Monday, November 06, 2006

"The fastest way to heaven is to know your way to hell first."

Lu's mum said that to Xiao Lin.

It's really meaningful. So is this the hell I'm going through now, so that I'll be in heaven?

Anyway, Xiao Lin said this to Xin... and I loved it.

"Do you know who Romeo's first love is? It isn't Juliet, but Rosaline. He was secretly in love with Rosaline, and he was in an agony because of that. Then he saw Juliet in a party, and it was love at first sight. Rosaline was forgotten. Everybody knows Romeo and Juliet, but who knows Rosaline? Some don't even know who she is. She is just like a supporting role."

Well she said that cos she felt excatly like Rosaline. And I feel the same way as Xiao Lin now. It's like I always feel inferior because I don't steal the limelight. I always ask myself, "Am I cute/hot/sexy enough?" If the answer is yes, then why isn't attention mine? I see people getting so much attention, everybody just looks at them all the time, because they are like the lead role. And it's such a horrible feeling to know that the one you love is so happy because of someone else, and not you. It's so horrible, it just makes you feel empty inside, you're better of dead. I don't want to be a supporting role, but I won't go all out to steal the limelight. That includes, saying stupid stuff so people could laugh, speaking in a loud volume so that people can hear your cold jokes and laugh, doing stuff like acting fierce, etc to make people go "Whoo!" I won't, cos if I do, it would be such a shame.


I won't be such a slut. I won't be an attention seeker. I want people to like me for who I am. Just like what Christopher Boone said, "I don't want my name to mean Jesus Christ, I don't want my name to mean anything, I want my name to mean me."

Exactly. I want to be me. I want to get attention because I'm a nice person and everyone talks to me. Not because I'm doing some extra stuff. That's so gross.

So, if I see people getting the limelight because they're being extra and I'm there, the supporting role, I would take deep breath, and I would tell myself,


Yes, I value that alot, the value of being me.

People do not know this but, in a novel/movie/drama, if there's no supporting role, there's no plot.

Go figure.

Listened to music @ 11:22 PM

♥ Sunday, November 05, 2006

Ever had someone acting friendly to you but only to realise that he's the cause of all your miseries?

For those who had... oh well.

For those who didn't. LISTEN.

Such pathetic bastards aren't worth your time crying and wondering "WHY?".

They are pathetic people. Period.

No point making friends with everybody but to bitch about them behind your back, just to prove your worthless bastardly friends that you're part of the "gang". Oh well, guess you must be really desperate for friends.

Besides, don't make friends when you're such a horrible jerk. Let's see, you don't know how to console people, you suck at communicating, you are sacarstic like anything, seriously, I doubt anyone would want you.

I pity you.

So... how do those people strike their plan?

1) They make friends with you and look really cute and funny and nice.
2) They bitch about you and make false rumors about you behind your back.
3) They start to influence people around you so that everyone would start to hate you.
4) They contine acting friendly, but of course they hate you.
5) By a miracle, your good friend tells you all about it and you're shocked and hurt. Don't bother feeling those, not really worth it.
6) They start to dao you, you two are like strangers now.

From step 6, there are two options for you.

A) Hey return them the favor! Bitch about them behind their back, let everyone see their true colors. But of course, please bitch about facts and not made up lies and rumors.
B) Ignore. Better than picking a fight.

Whatever you choose, stay strong.

But the truth is, I pity him.

He was the one who I really thought was like so nice. Yes, I'm so stupid.

But, at least, I know his true colors and I guess it's not too late to know it now...

I was shocked, then I hated him, then I pitied him.

But now.

I just wanna thank him.

Cos if it wasn't for that he tried to do, I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through.

I feel so good about myself.

Oh, you're so "cute", so coy, you're just a little boy, all you do is annoy, you must talk so big to make up for smaller things.

I wouldn't consider him a man. He doesn't deserve to be one.

He's just a little boy. Immature, irritating, hateful, pitiful.

Oh, well, it's all over now.

Anyway, had band for the past week, really fun.

And I'm in awe, how I always get saved by the greater seniors, I'd really appreciate it if it was pernament, you know sectionals with Andre is the shit.

He called me an idiot, just because I screwed up With Heart And Voice (he called it With Heart And Soul F.Y.I).

Something's wrong with him, no one called me an idiot. Except for him. He SUCKS as a SL. He apparently doens't know how to motivate juniors. Now I wouldn't be shocked why my section peers, who have been under his torture for two years, would rather pon than look at his loser face, loser actions, loser everything.

But uh-uh, I'm not that weak, I'll let him know who's really the last one laughing.

By the way, I'm embarrassed in every full band.

Mr Chiang... has to say something to Andre. Not anything positive, of course.

What can I do? Oh, yeah I snigger, cos it's way too funny, it's pathetic actually.

I still remember when Andre pumped 20 cos he crossed his legs.

Mr Chiang asked "How many times do I have to tell you not to cross your legs?"

Obviously, with humane senses, it's a retheorical question. You aren't meant to answer it.

"No need sir."

That was his answer.

Oh well.

I'm hating too many people. Hmph.

Listened to music @ 10:28 AM