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♥ Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sigh what was a progress report with just Maths as fail turns out to be more fails. At least I've planned out what I'll be doing for the next 4 weeks that I have before SA2.

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Anyway, I don't understand why when I feel extremely happy over something, something bad, sometimes so bad that it totally overshadows the happy thing, must happen the next day. When I can actually have a few consecutive days of happiness?

Physics lessons was just omg today, I usually don't mind people touching me but screw off if you are going to cut my hair.

Zen... cut my hair with a pair of scissors. MY HAIR.

That wasn't the worst thing. Someone else, let's just call him X, did it too. Or at least attempted to. I was just totally shocked. Like what the hell? I honestly thought that he treated me as a friend and not some acquaintance or something. I mean he treated me really nice and all that. For once, I thought, someone else whom I would really like a lot.

And then? I don't know if it's a change, or he was just pretending all along but I felt betrayed.

Betrayed that he acted like a friend to me but in the end he's all but a jerk.
Betrayed that he decided to screw up my life like that. And many more.

BUT, those are thoughts in the morning. Almost 12 hours have passed and my perception have changed again.

Perhaps it's fine that X decided to reveal his true colors now. At least I won't feel so hurt when things have gone too deep.
I mean, it's his loss for doing this to me. Someone will betray him one day too, I believe.

At least, there are still other people who truly cared for me. Like Peter and Chang Jun, when I told them what happened. And they both said the same thing, which pretty much struck me deep.

"You really think that X was your friend? You can't see through his pretense?" (I'm paraphrasing)

I told them that I can't see through X's pretense. I was too naive. Bad, bad, bad.

Whatever it is, X, I know who you really are now. Even though it was kind of a taboo to actually want to be your friend, but at least I tried. If you thought about it, I doubt I had sex with you or something that made you decide to cut my hair with a pair of scissors. Because I know my friends won't do such a thing to me. I'm not petty, by the way.

Buh-bye forever, X!
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Anyway, I mentioned that I have planned what to do for these 4 weeks I have left till my SA2. Here is the plan.

First week --- Complete all my maths homework for term 3 and thus revising term 3 maths, thank you Mr. Tan, for being so kind as to give me 2 marks for the homework even though some of them were freaking overdue.

Second week --- Science week! Thermal physics must be cleared ASAP, Chem really should be done ASAP as well

Third week --- HUMANS!

Fourth week --- Languages, especially EL.

Yay.
Listened to music @ 9:07 PM

♥ Monday, August 27, 2007

Life is full of unfair moments. Many a time, I see something happening and I could only ask myself, "Why isn't it me?" Then again, there are times when I see something happening and I could only ask myself, "Why is it me?"

Laughing to myself, my only answer was, "Life IS unfair. Get over it."

Therefore, I've made a pact with myself that I won't get upset or anything over anything that goes around me. Whatever it is, I'll be able to pull through and then I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll stay strong and move on.

I heard this line from someone, "The past is history, the future is mystery, the present is a gift." And I couldn't agree more. Obviously, I can't bring myself to make the past history, nor can I always appreciate everything that's around me. Perhaps that is why I am always so regretful about things that I did.

It's weird how I contradict myself through my words and actions. It puzzles me as well and it sucks.
Listened to music @ 9:39 PM

♥ Thursday, August 23, 2007

The sky now looks like a nice shade of purple. However, its color is really the only nice thing about it.

Sometimes, I don't know if I should blame my family or I for my lousy social skills. But we all know what they say about pushing the blame on others. It's BAD!

Anyway, I've said this a lot of times but it just keeps happening to me so I just have to keep blogging about it. I don't receive love from my family. Most people discover the mysteries, wonders and miracles of love from their family first, before it moves on to friends, then lovers. But for me, all I experienced was backstabbing, lies, abuse and coldness, all coming from my own family.

Which is why people who come from un-loving families are cynical and don't trust people too easily. I know I'm the former, and not much of the former. I've always doubted the genuine goodness of other people, because I thought I saw the goodness in my family members, only to realize it was all an illusion when they hurl insults and scratch (I know it's like a no big deal) me.

My father sang praises of me only because I was some top 3 in class when I was in primary 1 and 2. After that, when I didn't get the top 3, he just stopped loving me, I guess.

There are of course, many more examples of how I don't receive love from my family, and I'm too lazy to state every single one of them.

Anyway, good things do come by in my life of course. And it's towards people whom are extra nice to me, that I am extra nasty to them. I feel remorseful, I feel like an idiot, somehow I understand why I got such a family --- because I don't deserve to love and to be loved.

Sometimes, I get up in the middle of the night and start shedding a few drops of tears (I'm not lying... cos I know it sounds too dramatic) and I heard that if you cry in your sleep/dreams, your eyes will be extra full of um stuff in the morning, which I get, in generous amounts.

Of course, I don't really know if I'm actually crying in my sleep or anything, but why not? Haha.

Humans... always pretend in one aspect of life or another. For example, I am pretending to be happy every day, although I may be truly happy at times. Because, looking like you're unhappy, is labeled as 'acting emo' and what not to other people. I just don't wish to let more people hate me, and 'acting emo' seems to be a popular reason for hatred. Pretending to be happy is an easy task, cos you just have to stick on a smile all day long. But, it just gets tough when something sad happens, or you see a very sad thing right in front of your eyes, and you feel like crying but you need to hold back the tears, if not you're 'acting emo'.

Perhaps the next time you see me with a smiling/normal face, I may be heartbroken deep inside. Although there are so many times when I forced myself not to get jealous over minor things, I still do. In addition to jealousy is puzzlement and sorrow.

Recently, I've been watching videos of certain chinese songs and when you read the lyrics while watching the video, and listening, you'll cry. Because I did. There is one particular video that shows a scene which I've been doing for the past few days. Ask me for the song, if you're interested, that is.

Anyway, people always regret, and it's not after something has happened, it's when they experience the harsh consequences and they realized that it's too much for them, and they can't take it, so they hope against hope that everything will be back to normal, which is just impossible.

Ah yes, relationships are like chemical reactions. Some are reversible, and some are irreversible. This irreversible consequence... I really can't take much of the pain anymore.

Sometimes, knowing and understanding too much sucks. Because the more you understand, the more you're compelled to leave, due to varying reasons. If I didn't understand, perhaps I'd have just persisted.

The saddest thing is when... you pretend not to know me, and I pretend not to know you as well.

在你离开之后的天空
我像风筝 寻一个梦
Listened to music @ 11:49 PM

♥ Monday, August 20, 2007

CA2 Week Part 1.

Well, I had English and SS on Friday, and E-Maths today. One word to describe them all? Well there isn't, cos they each are different.

For English, I only have about 50% of confidence of getting a pass. SS... about 75%, and E-Maths, heavenly omg, I am going to fail it.

The problem with Maths is, no matter how hard I study it, I just can't seem to apply it on the paper. Whatever it is, it's a bound fail. Argh!

Tomorrow's Bio, and I don't take Bio so it's basically a free day. Wednesday, is A-Maths (omg) and HCL, Thursday is Chem and Geog and Friday is Physics, and that's that. Hopefully, I won't screw up too badly.

Anyway, I've decided to post a song on every post, they might occasionally be my own work (yeah I write lyrics and fanfics). The point of doing that, is to analyze the lyrics, and thus improve my Lit. I'll be analyzing lyrics according to how Mr. Quayle taught us so hopefully my Lit will get better! Today shall be Ayumi Hamasaki's "ourselves".

I hold you tight
I get touched
I get discouraged
I hold you tight again
I pull myself together
I get prim
You know many faces of mine

This road looks endless
But surely has the end
Only for once
I like to stop on the way
I prepare a way to escape
But it means nothing to me to do so alone
Because you know?
There is nothing but love
That is truly valuable

So
I show myself
Only to you
Which no one in the world knows
But
I may still have
Some secret sides
You have never seen
Which no one in the world knows

There are so many choices
That I can't make any guess
Where I like to find my way at last
But as we walk side by side
Expecting the same future
I feel nothing is so true as your profile
Because you know?
There is nothing but love
That is valuable in the end

So
Even if no one in the world knows me
I wish you alone
To know me
Yes
Even if no one in the world knows us
We know each other
So well

Firstly, the title "ourselves" speak of something significant. I feel that it is a comparison to the words "myself" and "yourself". Both "myself" and "yourself" speak of an individual. "ourselves", however speak of at least two people together. Therefore, I feel that the title "ourselves" was chosen to signify the gist of the song --- two people and their connections.

The song speaks of the protagonist and the antagonist, and their connections and understanding towards each other. The first paragraph speaks of the protagonist "hold you tight", in which the you refers to the antagonist. In addition, the protagonist is said to feel "discouraged"and "touched". The protagonist later on tries a second time and "succeeds", as in he finally feels safe embracing the antagonist. The feeling is described as getting "prim". The resilience of the protagonist is also exemplified through the line, "I pull myself together". The mixed feelings of the protagonist is confusing, even within himself, and it's summarized in the first stance. I feel that the protagonist desires very strongly to know the antagonist more, as he tried a second time to embrace him. The first stance is summarized with the last line, "You know many faces of mine". I feel that the protagonist is trying to say the antagonist understands him very well; which is what the whole song is trying to talk about.

In the second stance, the image of a journey is used, using the lines "This road looks endless" and "But surely has the end", where the "road" could be referring to life, and it's endless journey, but like all journeys, life has an end as well. "I prepare a way to escape; But it means nothing to me to do so alone; Because you know?; There is nothing but love; that is truly valuable". The last five lines of the stance summarizes the protagonist's view on love and loneliness. I feel that the protagonist believes that life is too busy and a way to "escape" from life would be great but it'd be meaningless if he does it alone. Love, to the protagonist, is "truly valuable". The repeated use of "nothing" in both lines describing about being alone and love shows that the protagonist feels very strongly about both things. The use of "nothing" means that everything else in the world cannot be compared to said quality.

The protagonist's personality is revealed in the third stance. "I show myself; Only to you; Which no one in the world knows". Could the protagonist feel that only the antagonist deserves to truly understand him? Personally, I feel that the protagonist is selfish and narrow-minded in his thinking as to him, only the antagonist is someone worthy for him to show himself. This could also mean that the protagonist is putting on a false front in front of other people. However, this feeling that the protagonist has towards the antagonist is immediately contradicted in the second half of the third stance. "I may still have; Some secret sides; Which no one in the world knows". The protagonist still hides a part of himself away, even from the antagonist, albeit his confession of showing himself "only to" the antagonist. Could this mean that the protagonist feels that he can't trust the antagonist enough yet? I feel that the protagonist still feels insecure about himself, therefore he cannot fully trust anyone yet, even the antagonist.

In the fourth stance, the protagonist describes life as having "so many choices" that he cannot do what he usually does best, "guess" something out of life. I feel the protagonist had been living in a life of emptiness and guesses, until he met the antagonist, that is. The only true thing in the protagonist's eyes is the "profile" of the antagonist. I feel that the protagonist feels that the world is a delusion; an illusion and only the antagonist provides the only source of truth in his life. The lines, "Because you know?; There is nothing but love; That is truly valuable in the end" are repeated with a slight variation, to once again back up the perception of love of the protagonist --- love is the only valuable thing.

The final stance speaks of the protagonist's stand. That is, he wishes that only the antagonist will "know" him, regardless of whether the rest of the world does or not. The song is summarized with "Even if no one in the world knows us; We know each other; So well". The three lines speaks of the mutual understanding between the protagonist and the antagonist. However, this is only known because the protagonist says so; whether the antagonist reciprocates the protagonist is unknown to us, although I feel that this is a mutual relationship.

Yeah, that goes for the first text analysis. And I took one hour to do it. Like wth... maybe I won't be doing this every post. Haha.
Listened to music @ 10:08 PM

♥ Friday, August 17, 2007

If I had a chance to meet us somewhere, I would tell them not to falter at the future.

Sometimes I just want to prevent. I think I've finally got it. More often than not, many things, people and events around us are just fated. For example, almost every morning, DK'd whizz past me during morning assembly but he wouldn't catch my long hair (which I'm gonna this Sunday), however other people are caught. Obviously, he isn't biased. I'd like to think that it's fated.

Somehow, in the process of deluding myself, I feel more comforted and happier. If the truth hurts so much, why not just delude yourself for a while? After all, you know it yourself if something is true or not.

Recently, I've decided to open up to more people in my class, because out of the 7 subjects we take, only 3, namely English, Chemistry and PE, which is so not a subject, so technically, only 2 subjects out of 7 subjects that my classmates and I are in the same class. The rest are split classes. Therefore, I think we're somehow just separated. Like some barrier.

But, something bad just has to happen eh. Let's call this person J. I like J a lot, and there's no reason for it. Anyway, I decided to sit next to J in class recently so that I can talk to him. He is well, very friendly to me and I felt that that's another true friend I'd make.

But it was all an illusion. Recently, we got the class photos, in which I was in-charge of collating orders. In one of the photos, he had this pose with another guy in my class. Let's call him C. So J and C were looking at each other very lovingly. J was unhappy about it cos he feels he has "lost face".

Anyway, I was talking with someone else at that time, who happens to sit next to me as well (J sits on my left). Let's call him P. So P and I just started to laugh and I laughed hysterically.

Suddenly, he shouted at me, "Stop laughing lah, fucking gay!"

Obviously, I laughed like that before as well. But he really doesn't say anything about it. So why the sudden outburst? I tried to understand that he was in a bad mood which was why he was like that but the more I thought about it, the more I realized --- he never really treated me as a friend anyway.

At that time, I felt worse than I ever felt for this whole week. The word "karma" surfaced onto my mind... wasn't I like that as well? Never appreciating the person who was the kindest to me, and losing my top to him... Now I got this same treatment, and it sucks.

Even if I were to apologize a million times, it wouldn't work, for I know even if J apologized to me, I won't want to reconcile with him as well. Sometimes, things you do to other people just come back to you so spontaneously.

Of course, besides J, there are other people who are like him as well, and they treat me like that as well.

For one, I have to say that Zen is one of the more truthful people towards me. Even though I do not know if he actually hates me or anything, at least he doesn't make himself appear like someone else in front of me, and only to unleash who he really is when he gets into a "bad mood".

And I'm like that as well. I know I'm not acting nice to him (not Zen), because I really like him. But in the times when I get into a bad mood, hating myself for the events that happened in my life, I'm not my usual self; I can't be gentle to anyone. But WHY? WHY is it that it's always my dearest person whom I hurt the most during such a time? Why?!

I guess karma decided to pay a visit to me, by letting someone else treat me the same way that I treated him. If I knew, how horrible and betrayed this feeling is... I would have never blew my top on him. Which is too late now...

What's the point of asking for another chance? Will he give it to me? Am I going to cherish that chance and make the best out of it? If my true self is as such, then being with him will just make him more upset.

I need him, so badly that I am a zombie now; living through each day with no direction. But it's not going to be a happy ending. And I'd rather be a zombie, than for him to be more upset.

Let the eyes be blind the scorch of jealousy; let the ears be deaf to the noise of lies.

I'm exhausted now; drained. Perhaps if there is a way to rectify everything, I'd definitely grab that way. Just too bad, there isn't such a way.

The clouds complement my mood these few days. They are all black and dark... and it rains as well.

When the best thing that ever happened in your life is destroyed by your very own hands, everything else just fails, I suppose.

I don't know how I'll continue from here. Maybe I should just give myself some space for the time being... to sort out certain things before I open up again.

Why am I so stupid? I can't even protect the hand I once surely held...

There are lots of stars
As if to fill the gap between thick clouds
They are shining like a prayer
Almost like a shout
And my chest is constricted

I hope the morning will come for me soon
Before I can't hide up my weakness

It's strange I feel so lonely at night
Only because you are not here

After how many times of committing a sin like this
Will I be inhuman?
Will I be invisible to everyone?

I find nothing in a place like this
Which I escaped and tumbled into
I rip my feelings off my heart
And stick a smile on my mask
Please take my away from here
Before everything becomes a memory

I felt I knew the meaning of love a little after I had met you
If I can finish my penance some day
If I'm forgiven some day...

But I have no right after all that
To tell the definition of happiness

Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me

HAPPY ENDING - Ayumi Hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:09 PM

♥ Thursday, August 16, 2007

This week whizzed past quickly. I don't know how time passes by so quickly... time is just... fantastic. Actually, CA2 starts tomorrow. I don't know how I'll fare... but I hope it'll be good. Or perhaps I can predict from my various tests.

E-Maths 15/20
A-Maths 6.5/25
Geography 14/20
Chemistry 22/27

Yeah I only took tests for these subjects. Do they actually look good? Well whatever it is, I can't afford to do badly.

Anyway, English lessons these few days had been fun... and bad at the same time.

Miss Tan was obviously so pissed with us for "not showing her respect" and treating her as an "acquaintance". Well, every time she's pissed with us she lashes words of great insult.

The fun thing was we did descriptive writing exercises and today we were supposed to choose one classmate and describe him, and he's supposed to be a thief as well.

Er, I dominated my group and we, or rather I, wrote about Zen, while Zen as expected, wrote about me.

Sometimes it's just so funny how we treat each other.

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Today during Physics, the general office staff came down and called for Dion. I only knew later on that his grandfather passed away.

Sometimes it appalls me how life is so short. I mean even though Dion's grandfather can't be any young, he just passed away, like that.

If life is really that precious, why do people regard their lives as a piece of garbage? Perhaps being suicidal is the obvious aspect of this, but there are others too.

For example, making yourself annoying.

Sometimes, we make mistakes, too many mistakes that we, ourselves, find it hard to rectify all of them. Some mistakes can be reversed with an apology, or an amendment. But there are some mistakes with consequences and scars that are permanent, they don't fade away no matter how we try to conceal them. The saddest thing is, we know the consequences of such mistakes, we still make them. The best part? More often than not, we are hurt as well.

If I were to die tomorrow, or even at the next hour, the next minute, the next second, I wouldn't want to. Because I know I'll die with regrets. To die without regrets is something everyone wants. They want to clear every misunderstanding they had in their lives; they wish to express gratitude to people who loved them; they wish to apologize to people whom they hurt. We all know, the chances of doing all of them are close to zero. But people still die without regrets, because at least their biggest misunderstand, the person who loved them the most, the person whom they hurt the most, have all been rectified.

Has mine been? I seriously don't think so. The irony is that the three aspects all relate to the same person. It's only now that I realized that I can't continue to delude myself that things will get better, because they just can't. Time to realize the reality.

Perhaps at the end of my life, I'll still die with regrets.

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I watched Jia You! Jinshun just now and I find myself so weird! I don't cry at the saddest parts of the show but I cry at the happiest parts. For example, today (the 2nd last episode), Jinshun and Zaixi got married. When each of them walked down the isle, snippets of their past encounters were shown. I can't stop crying during that part.

Because... I'm a copycat, I think. I mean they flash flashbacks then I reminiscence about my past with someone... something... or perhaps both. At that time, I don't know if it's how touching how Jinshun and Zaixi's love story was... or the mixture of sorrow and joy in those past memories that made me cry.

Perhaps it's not a very bad thing to live in the past while you move onto the future blindly. Sometimes, you'll realize it's the past that was really the best.

The past is history, the future is mystery.

I think I'm afraid of intruding into that enigma. Which is why the past feels so... warm and safe. Somehow, I know the future can't be as fantastic as the past. Perhaps it's just something in me, something that makes me afraid of the future, something that makes me prefer the past.

Memories... who put them at the top of the bookshelf, only to watch them fall from that highest point?

The naiveness of defeat... it was as if you have hurt me so deeply, perhaps there's no reason to fall in love, and even more so for farewells.

If everything now is just a dream, please I hope that I'll wake up from it, and end up in the past instead.

其实我爱你。。。
Listened to music @ 10:06 PM

♥ Saturday, August 11, 2007

Confused? Depressed? There are probably many more feelings I should put down, but the truth is, I really don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Perhaps it's really true when they say that we only regret our decisions after experiencing the consequences. Or in this case, especially for me. I must say, I'm regretting everything I did now.

Things would definitely be different if I hadn't said that, or hadn't did this. Seriously, I am stupid for throwing away what could be the best thing that ever happened in my life.

You don't have to hate someone to leave him.

Chien Teng, I didn't rant and throw tantrums only at you. And it was all a misunderstanding. If such a thing happened, wouldn't most of us accuse the other party of ignoring anyway? Maybe a few would really analyze the situation and think otherwise, but those are a few. I didn't know you well enough to analyze the situation and derive something else, I suppose.

Maybe I am indignant about the whole thing right now, but I don't wish to remember the whole thing anymore. At the end of the day, I can't be of any good to you.

I know myself, and the troubles I bring to my friends. Being my friend doesn't do you good, because I have so many flaws. Impatient, fond of accusing, fond of assuming, harsh and insensitive, never thinking before speaking, hypocritical, and a burden.

There is no way that I can make you happy as well, because everytime I wish to do so, it turns out the other way round. I'm not good with words and expressing my emotions. I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't expect anything now.

Perhaps the day when I started to be dependent on you, was the day I made the mistake. Honestly, you have not done anything wrong to me, nor have you done and said those things that everyone else in the world does. You are different from people I know, yet ironically, in spite of how well you treat me, or how fond I am of you, it turns out that I am just like everyone else, hurting and pissing you off.

One more day with me is hell to you. I don't know when will be the next time I might spurt out an insensitive comment, or accuse you of something. I'm rash and generally don't think at all. And because my weakness causes you pain, we need to come to an end.

Therefore, you did the right thing, in deciding that it's over for us. After all, there is no point in just staying when it will just kill you. But if you ask me, I really want you back; I'd give up everything, just to have you back. I'm contradicting myself, I know that. I mean I'm being a bastard by hurting you and deciding that things should end but then again I don't want it. Humans are... contradicting, always.

In order for you to realize your dreams, I can't be with you.

Perhaps I should have gotten signals when I realized that I am but your acquaintance, and our views are different, because you think that my speaking to you online is enough, but to me, a friendship can only be strengthened when we actually talk to each other in real life. You see, we have differing views and are just so different from each other that things just don't, and will never work out.

And to your blog post, yes I'm being biased. Because I do a lot of things to you that I never will do on other people, because I'm biased. And while you were pouring out your troubles, I never looked at anywhere else except for the conversation box. Perhaps it's a lie to you, but I know it's the truth. Also, if you think this post is supposed to be guilt-striking, or aiming or anything, it really isn't.

Today will be the last day that my life will have anything colorful in it.
Listened to music @ 11:40 PM

♥ Friday, August 10, 2007

Life is all about reciprocals. Even though I stated in my previous post that sometimes, reciprocals don't really matter, our happiness is all it matters, without reciprocals, certain things just can never be done.

Very often, we regret a decision only after we experience what happens after.

Do you know how guilty-ridden I am now? Throughout the day, I've been questioning myself, "Would anything have changed if I didn't do that?" Logically, I know the answer is a yes, but I can't help but realize that the reality is, no matter how much I show that I care, albeit the impatience and negative aspects, you will never reciprocate. Perhaps it really was because of certain things that I shouldn't have said, or certain things that I shouldn't have done. Whatever it is, it's too late now.

Do you know that the feeling of indifference sucks?

Actually, I think you already know, because you have been through a lot. Still, it hurts me a lot to be treated so indifferently. I have sorted out the difference between lovers, friends, acquaintances, enemies and strangers. Sometimes I ask myself, "Am I even counted as an acquaintance?" Sometimes, it's a yes, sometimes, it's not even a no. That's right. At times, I feel like I am exactly like a stranger to you. Maybe I'm scared as well. Suddenly you'll talk to me, then suddenly I'm gone from your sight again. I'm scared if that's a signal to anything, I'm scared that I'll face another heartache again. I'm scared of all the possibilities that might happen. I'm scared that you won't accept me.

Is there a way to turn time back?

I just wish that I could go back in time now, so that I can amend myself, so that I can rectify my mistakes, so that I can not do what I did, so that I can not say what I said, just so that we won't start to drift apart. If I really can go back in time, perhaps everything would really have taken a big change. But, we all know it's impossible. What's done can't be undone, and we have already drifted apart, and there's already a barrier between us.

I never knew what my purpose in this world is, until I met you. I realized that I came to this world just to be with you.

I feel like trying my best to break that barrier but I'm afraid that I'll try too hard and hurt you again. I'm afraid that I'll be too persistent and piss you off again. Perhaps I really should leave, and stop forcing things on you. I'll just kill everyone in the end. Perhaps that purpose of life I felt is not what it really is. Just because I have feelings for you doesn't mean you need to reciprocate. Because, putting myself in your shoes, I know I'd have done the same as well.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to making a choice. No one is left without a choice. Because "I had no choice." is an excuse.

We really have the power to decide. To decide if we should continue to think about certain things, to decide if who we love now is really worth it, to decide who we want to talk to. No one can force us to do anything. And I think you made a right decision. The thing I'm most afraid of now is that although I may say that yes, I'll just forget about everything, I still can't, and that I'll do things in the dark to help you etc. It will be so pathetic if I do that. I mean, it's just pathetic.

Destiny is not perfect; he makes mistakes at times as well.

I always believe that Destiny has a book, which contains the names of every single human in this world, and he'll take each name and join other names with said name, making up family, friends and lovers. But sometimes, Destiny doesn't do it correctly. Sometimes, he'll make a mistake, and when the two people who are under this curse get together, they realize that it was all a mistake, and it's all wrong. I'm sorry for dragging you down; if I could I'd rather it to be all on me.

There is no greater fear than giving up.

Which is why I'm so freaked now! Cos I'm about to give up! Yes, that's right, give up. I shall not waste anymore time and move on, and find someone else. Please do not think that all these is a facade and that I'm still secretly in love with you, because that's not me.

Perhaps sometimes when we have made a change, the person we want to be aware of our change is oblivious to it.
Listened to music @ 10:07 PM

♥ Thursday, August 09, 2007

I'm feeling back what I felt on February. Isn't August supposed to be a good month for me?

Have you ever hurt your beloved, and tried to amend yourself, without letting him know?

I feel like I'm doing that. Trying to salvage and reverse everything. But, relationships are pretty much like Chemistry. Some processes are really irreversible.

At the end of the day, the light I saw was a ray of darkness. Oh why am I digressing to this when I actually am the saddest over my trumpet now? I think...

Anyway, it's been 6 days since I fought with my brother. I just peeled the layer of dried blood on my skin and wtf the wounds have not healed yet. In fact, the biggest scar still has bright red blood on it now. Looks like it'll take a while for the wounds to really heal.

My heart is not going to be like that. The wounds on my heart will heal quickly, I'm very sure of it. If my wounds on my heart are going to heal slowly, like the improvement of my playing, I think I'd have died long ago.

Even if I had experienced less shit than other people, or maybe more than some other people. It doesn't really matter. No matter how much each of us had been through, how can we allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity? It doesn't help in any way at all. If anything, we should just heal up quickly and move on. After all, what's the point of staying at the same spot, never moving?

Anyway, went to my Aunt's house just now and I thought that we were quite extra there. I mean no one was talking just watching TV like zzz.

Oh well, at least I'd have something to do on Saturday, perhaps for the last time.

There's going to be Alumni on Saturday, I heard that we only have 23 more practices before the concert in January. Looks like things are going to get hectic once again. I like. Haha.

But before the concert comes a more major event --- SA2. I really hope that I won't retain cos my parents will kill me and it'll be good bye band. I mean not like I'm like some ace player that really can depend on music, or not like my parents are supporters of band.

Which brings me to my next point. The ironies of life.

I know of some people whose parents are supportive of band but yet these people actually pon band, taking their parents support for granted. Do they think that everyone else is like them, as blessed? Personally, I'll be delighted and on cloud nine if my parents were that supportive until they call Mr. Chiang and ask why their sons didn't bring their instruments home, or ask how they're progressing.

It's really ironic how most of these people show such a terrible attitude band and think it's really all right to skip or to make noise during combined band or to be an idiot during sectionals.

Face it. Your parents support band, so why not you? The more I think of it, the more I get pissed off; thinking how fucking unfair it is for other people whose parents don't support band, it's not like they're neutral towards it, they ABHOR it.

So, to the members whose parents actually support band, cherish their support, because without it, perhaps things will just be so much harder.

Perhaps it's due to the humid weather that we opened up our hearts trapped in this uncomfortable environment; revealing a secret on the way. It's really okay if we realized that it was a mistake in the end.
Listened to music @ 9:33 PM

♥ Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Hello.

I just watched the 9pm show on Channel 8 just now, and there was this scene where a woman said,

"Very often, we think that we have put into a lot of effort and we expect reciprocals from other people. Actually, does it really matter? As long as we're happy, the reciprocal isn't necessary."

Indeed, I know my own faults, and one of them that bothered me the most was trying too hard. I am stubborn and persistent. That has caused me to get into deep shit sometimes. Fine, most of the time.

For example, I tried too hard to be protective. I tried too hard to make everyone around happy and even more so for some other people. But did it help? My concern for other people gets infiltrated with insensitivity, rashness and impatience, to an extent that I offend people, making them dislike me even.

For what do I do that? To garner more attention? To be recognized as a "nice" person? I get it now, I did it for selfish reasons. Although sometimes the concern is genuine, or maybe I'm actually magnifying the situation, I can't deny that I am fake.

Whatever that I believe I'm not, I am. Hypocrite, poser, attention-seeker, and all that.

The worst thing is, I'm not even happy in the end. After thinking through some stuff today, I realized that every day after school, I walk to the bus-stop alone. I wait for the bus alone. I board the bus alone. Even though there are people whom I know at those places, they don't talk to me; I don't talk to them.

I only realized now, how lonely I really am.

Is there supposed to be a reason for all these? Perhaps I am really a hypocrite-cum-poser, and it turns people off. What am I, really?

Ironically, such a feeling only spurs me on to seek more attention. The thing is, I believed I'm not attention-seeking, I believed that I don't steal the limelight. The truth is, I do.

It's a vicious cycle. The lonelier I feel, the more I try to seek attention. You see, I tried too hard again.

Is being resilient a good thing at all? Mr. Kwok always speaks of the virtue of resilience, determination and never giving up. In fact, they're labeled as good qualities, blah blah.
Sometimes, I feel that resilience killed me. There are so many times that I told myself, "If only I didn't try too hard..."

Why do humans always look back and regret? Is it necessary? Many a time I remind myself to look forward and just move on. But I can't. Because the more I try to do that, the more I'm hurt by my past mistakes when I face a setback.

Are we always sad? Humans are such forgetful creatures...

Of course, despite this seemingly sad life of mine, there are always rays of light here and there. I think that I should talk about one now.

Throughout my life, I never felt loved. It rooted from my family, then to fake friends. But Chien Teng was different. I am not being biased or anything but I feel that Chien Teng genuinely loved me. That sort of love that my family can NEVER give. Which was why I am so attached to him.

But, I tried too hard. I tried too hard in being nice to him that I tell lies. I became a hypocrite. It's not his fault; I tried too hard. I tried too hard in caring for him, just so that he can see that I am better than XXX. But now that I think of it, for what? At least I'm still his friend. But it really is too late, I still tried too hard, I still lied, I still said harsh things to him.

My weakness caused you pain.

I'm sorry. I really am. Perhaps you feel that this apology is useless but I really don't know what else I can do. Perhaps this apology isn't sincere, just like how I am; insincere bitch. But something tells me that I am truly sorry for pissing you off at times and trying too hard, harming (can't find a better word) you instead.

I don't know how you'll react in reading all these, because I don't know you. To quote two lines from Ayu's HONEY, "You know me more than I know myself," and "I know you more than you know yourself,". Sadly, only the former is true.

Now I know why I can't be XXX. I don't know you well, and I failed as a friend. I only know now that there is a reason why you're closer to certain people and not so to others.

Whatever it is, thank you, for pulling me through my sec2 life, which was supposed to be shit but it didn't because of you.

Destiny made us know each other but I defied Destiny. In the end, I killed myself. I really regretted not knowing you better and cursing you and all that, but I know that regret is futile. You know that too right.

I hurt myself, by hurting you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps I'll speak of other rays of light another day.
Listened to music @ 10:05 PM

♥ Monday, August 06, 2007

Almost everyone says that I'm nice, too nice that I always get stepped on.

Somehow I don't think I am nice at all. Whatever I do, it's always cancelled by an evil act later on.

Sometimes I wish that I won't try too hard. Sometimes I wish that I could be a better listener.

But maybe the best way for my wishes to come true is to work for them.

Humans never cherish what they have; and they only cherish it when it's too late.

How true. A person in my life has made a difference. He is different from everyone else, something different, indescribable. Yet, I never cherished him. Must I wait till he dies, or hates me for eternity before I realized that that is someone whom I should cherish ever since?

A song can describe what I feel now, perfectly. Especially the last paragraph.

Under the grey and square sky
Is filled with all kinds of desires today
But I don't lose sight of the light among them
And can walk, looking forward
Because you always show me
That there remains a purity even in a corner of this city

Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen asleep, so exhausted
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but me knows

One day when the sunlight poured and the wind blew gently
As if it were nothing special
I felt alone that something was changing in me
Slowly, firmly and surely

Though I wasn't sad at all, tears fell down
Because your feelings sank painfully into
The scar in the depth of my heart
And changed it into tenderness

If you come across deep sorrow
I wish you will share it with me
I'll be able to do anything for the smile
My precious treasure
My precious treasure
Listened to music @ 11:28 PM

♥ Sunday, August 05, 2007

If anyone has been following Pokemon, you'd know that July 14th was the theatrical release of the 10th Pokemon move, "Pokemon Diamond & Pearl: Dalgia VS Palkia VS Darkrai". Well, as usual, Singapore never released that so it's a pity but hopefully they'll have a DVD.

Anyway, I'm not talking about the movie today, but the ending song.

The ending song is "I Will Be With You (Where The Lost Ones Go)" or in Japanese, "Be With You ~いつもそばに~" by Sarah Brightman, featuring Chris Thompson. The lyrics are stellar and it sounds alot like Satoshi Yagisawa's Chorus parts in his songs. Which means it rocks.

Leave and let me go
You're not meant for me, I know
Carry on, carry on, and I'll stay strong

Leave and let me go
I will think of you, I know
But carry on, carry on, and I'll stay strong

Someone else will keep you warm from now on
Someone else will keep you safe from the storm
But I'll be with you wherever you go
And you will never be alone
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

I will be with you
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
I will be with you
You were my fool for love
Sent me from high above
You were the one
I will be with you
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

Leave and let me go
Don't look back just let me know
Carry on, carry on, you must stay strong

Nothing ever looks the same in the light
Nothing ever seems to quite turn out right
When you realize that you have been loved
You will never be alone
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

I will be with you
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
I will be with you
You were my fool for love
Sent me from high above
You were the one
I will be with you
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

Leave and let me go
Baby I can't come along
Carry on, carry on, you must stay strong

It's just beautiful, isn't it?


Really really beautiful lyrics IMO.

The song reminds me a lot, also, on life and the beauty of love. Indeed, to love someone is a great joy and to be loved by someone else is a greater joy. Sometimes, when you feel like no one ever loved you genuinely and then all of a sudden comes someone who makes you believe otherwise, it's a great feeling... something indescribable.

I will be with you, where the lost ones go.
Listened to music @ 10:38 PM

♥ Saturday, August 04, 2007

Today, I woke up at 6 30, did my usual stuff then went for band. After that had lunch in Pastamania with Chien Teng, Yang Chin (for the first time), Fredy and some others... can't exactly remember and a lot of clarinetists. Fun chatting the whole time. Then headed off to Macdonalds where Fredy did a um... raid in my file.

Went home after that. My brother was at home, so I was obviously not happy about it. In addition he's using my com as well. What baffled and angered me was that he already has a computer, and it's new somemore. Moreover, he has a laptop. Like er... can't he just use what belongs to him?

That's why I hate him, selfish bastard who wastes time at the expense of other people. And many other reasons as well.

I will definitely cry if it was me in the past. But I didn't today.

In English, Ms. Tan talked about a novel she did while she was in uni; the last scene speaks of the protaganist leaving the hospital and walking into the busy street, towards the sun.

Leaving behind the sad past and moving on, that's what it's about.

In life, things always happen. Some are good, others are bad. With good comes bad anyway so no one has a 'perfect' life or so to speak. However, albeit the imperfection of life, it is always up to us to make it almost perfect. Yes, something depressing has happened. And so? Are you going to sit there and waste time dwelling on it, when the truth is, it's pointless? Nothing will be rectified if we all just dwell on things and wallow in self pity. Things only change when we do something about it. Easier said than done, but it really is possible.

Is it willpower? Is it determination? Is it love? Just what is that driving force that makes me continue on in life? Now, when something depressing happens, I only allow myself to be upset for a second, and I'll move on. It looks freaking simple on words but obviously it's much harder to do it. But, I'll make myself move on. No more dwelling and all that. After all, setbacks are a part of life. Without hypocrites, liars, backstabbers, wouldn't life be boring?

Therefore, it is important that we believe in ourselves and reveal the true strength hidden beneath us.

You were born with wings, why choose to crawl through life? Yes, setbacks are but a weight to bring us down, if our wings are strong enough, they're nothing. Are you wings strong enough? Because I know mine are.

Perhaps it is true that the more one experiences suffering, the more he can be tender and strong.
Listened to music @ 10:49 PM

♥ Friday, August 03, 2007

Ah yes, August is indeed a good month for Aries.

Anyway, I just realized Day10 is my slackest day of the whole timetable. Double maths, PE, EL, Chem. That's all! Double all the way, but still nice.

During maths, I was surprised at myself for being able to do partial fractions. I can't fail the A-Maths test next Tuesday, and even more so the CA2 test. (Will talk more on that later)

PE, um faked illness and ended up being a guidepost. =.= Then halfway through, I saw this person walking down and he was asking me if I saw a van. Well, then I found that he's called Shawn from 4F... great I didn't even know it was 4F that was selling stuff in the canteen. Anyway we just talked about PE then 1/2 hour just went by like that. Which relates me to my next point.

Only that I've changed my perception now that I realized why people hate me (in the past). Perhaps this theory of mine is false or something but it's really what I feel. In the past, if Shawn were to approach me, I'd most prolly give one-word answers and then he won't talk anymore cos I gave off that "fuck off" signal. But I don't know why either, something came over me today and I gave more than one-word answers to Shawn.

It was there and then I realized that people don't hate me because I'm fat or gay, they hate me because I was so full of myself and high up there, thinking that I'm a big shot, and that they really don't deserve to talk to me.

Perhaps it was really because of that. Anyway, I can't change their impressions on me already so now, the only thing I can do is just to move on.

The it was English and it was just fun doing short stories. Oh yeah. Chem, nothing much, as usual, I was one of the 5 odd people who responded to Ms. Aida's questions.

Then, home sweet home. But before that, fooled around in 3E classroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People always look for someone to look up to; someone they can gain inspiration from, and thus succeed in life.

Is it really necessary? I shall admit, when the exco was announced, I wasn't happy when I wasn't it. Because when I read program booklets, those famous musicians always have this, "As the Band/Drum Major of XXX secondary school symphonic band..." or in the case of Mr. Chiang's bio, "... student conductor at the age of 14..." which is like band major to me, since they conduct as well. I thought you needed to be in the exco, or even better be a major to be able to succeed as a musician. Which was why I was depressed for a while when I wasn't in the exco, because I thought, that's it; I'll NEVER make it.

Then I heard that Fredy wasn't in the exco when he was in the band. He confirmed it with me. Even though he puts himself down like mad (please read his friendster profile), to me he's really already one of the better musicians I know. And that's good enough to know. I mean, Fredy was NOT in the exco. And where is he now? President of the Alumni (okay ex but whatever not like they mentioned a new one anyway), on his way to take a grade 8 (is it?) exam on snare drum... He wasn't in the exco in the band last time; but I'd be quite happy if I had his achievements...

Therefore, Fredy was my inspiration for a long time. A very long time. Then I realized something else; why? I mean why do I need to lean on Fredy? It would be fine if I just worked on towards my goals, using the mindset that I will be like Fredy, if not better. But, I did something else, something like over-depending on him, so much so that I forgot who I was, I was supposed to be like Fredy, if not better, not be him. Therefore, I changed my perception.

My source of motivation and inspiration is myself. Fredy is my target. Yes, I see my arrow into the target and I see another target; be better than myself.

Do I sound like Fredy is a puppet or something? Because he isn't. I shouldn't be depending too much on him. Fredy still rocks though!

I tried to find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as special too.

Okay... why is Fredy a spelling mistake? Freddy is the "correct" one but Fredy is still right, stupid spelling error thingy.

Anyway, Mr. Kwok's story is just true. I... am not going to write about cos he'll prolly change it again on Monday since heard a 3rd edition.

I wanted to type another long essay on perseverance but I'll just sum EVERYTHING up in one line, a quote from Ayu's my name's WOMEN.

"Perhaps it is true that the more one experiences suffering, the more he can be tender and strong."
Listened to music @ 9:56 PM

♥ Thursday, August 02, 2007

I remember when I was a sec2, and my Lit/Form teacher was Mrs. Audrey Chong. On one lesson, she mentioned about the ironies of life, and how they occur around us every day. She also she'll write a book on ironies of life when she gets old. Haha.

Anyway, perhaps it's because I've matured, or gotten enlightened, or something magical; I see life in a bigger view. I get to see the ironies of life every day as well.

Who I want wants someone else who is oblivious to who I want. Irony much? Perhaps it's ironies like that that makes life enjoyable, fun and worth it.

Ever since yesterday night, that painful and cold feeling in my heart is non-existent. I was enlightened, obviously. Now my chest feels kind of light, like I'm floating on clouds. Yeah baby.

In the past, my faults were beyond comprehension.

Trying too hard. That's one of them, I'm not contended with certain endings; it's like everything needs to go according to MY way. Tsk tsk tsk, selfish Arian. However, now I'm more leaning towards "so be it". Not trying too hard, just accepting things as they should be. Sometimes, it's a beauty when things are left as they are.

Anyway, going to have CA2 Compo next Tuesday before an ultimate 5 day break from school. Zeus! Then it's CA2. =.= Oh well. I can't fail it if not I'll be banned from Alumni so that only means one thing --- work hard!

I leaned on Justin Mai's shoulder today during SS AND English... oh well what can I say... it's a great feeling when you lean on someone else's shoulder.

Anyway (lol the 3rd time I'm using anyway... make that the 4th), I feel like I'm falling ill too. Experiencing some feeling at the back of my throat which spells a sore throat. Why is everyone falling ill? Fortunately the concert's over already.

By the way, I realized that it's a happy thing to read other people's blog. Like reading about their tragic lives and all that... just makes me feel like I'm nothing compared to them. Getting emo over non-existent stuff and all that... compared to theirs. My happiness was taken for granted.

Which brings me to another point. There was this advertisement on a Channel U show and then they highlighted this quotation from this girl. So it goes like this,

“你嘴边一直挂着‘死’这个字，难道你觉得你现在活着是理所当然的吗？”

Which translates to, "You keep mentioning death, do you take your living for granted?"

Well, my dear people, life is precious. So... hold onto it well.
Listened to music @ 10:46 PM

♥ Wednesday, August 01, 2007

In life, we often put too much notice on the little things that make our lives miserable and overlook the bigger picture --- our own perception.

Recently I've chosen to poison my own life with paranoid thoughts and treating myself like I'm some low-class person. Thinking about non-existent things and emotions that get me all worked up, jealous, depressed... is it worth it? I realized only now that I've wasted too much time on such things.

I shall agree; I was jealous; I centralized my life around you; I tried too hard... was, I repeat, was. Which means it won't happen again. I will only try too hard on one thing, that is breaking the musical potential I have.

While looking for someone, I overlooked myself; that I am just as special too.

Therefore, it's good-bye assumptions and foolishness and hello good life!

Anyway, I shall be satisfied by the little things in life, even if they seem like nothing COMPARED to others. The key word? Compare. I compared too much in the past; which is why I get jealous so often and so intensively.

So, even if it's just that little something; I'll cherish it.

And I just want to quote a few lines from Madonna's X-Static Process. And no offense to fellow Christians/Catholics.

 Jesus Christ will you look at me?
Don't know who I'm supposed to be
Don't really know (someone say) if I should give a damn when you're around
I don't know who I am

I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you
But in the process I forgot that I was special too
I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you
But in the process I forgot
That I was just as good as you
Listened to music @ 11:19 PM