binaryface @bs.com

♥ Monday, March 31, 2008

To remind myself of the happy things that went on today...

1) Peter gave me a chicken pie! I thought it was some normal chicken pie from a confectionery shop but oh my it's DON'S Chicken Pie! The super expensive one that has eggs inside! I was totally stunned like omg... so really a big thank you to Peter! =)

2) Justin Yap gave me a surprise! He just came up to me with a mouthpiece pouch and said, "Happy Birthday". That was something I really didn't expect... just very very very heartwarming =D! That got my mood to a super high (along with Peter, haha), yeah all these happened before lessons started...

Well, there was Lit lesson before recess so like I remembered indignantly telling Nicholas Tan and Xing Hao,

"I realized that I can be happy without Mark too."

Or at least, that was how I believed at that time. Then at recess...

Life is so weird. It gives you somethings that are very beautiful and nice and makes you feel happy... but it takes them away in an instant too, giving you an endless sorrow... Happiness is so transient...

Well, as usual, I saw Mark. Mark ignored me and he treated me like a stranger. He spoke to every single person (I'm not blowing matters up, by the way), except for me. Suddenly, I felt as though I was transparent. I was just standing just next to him but he really treated me as though I didn't exist. Needless to say, I got upset immediately.

So, since I forgot to bring the exercise book that I write my lyrics, I borrowed foolscap paper and started to pen stuff.

The first song that I've written that has two pages.
The first song that I've written that has a "program note".

I left it in the band room so I can't post it now (well like who cares actually).

And then, after that, when the band room was closed and we're heading back home, I made another saddening discovering via Raymond Gan.

He told me that the whole of 3F (Mark's class) and 3G knows that I like/liked Mark. I mean obviously this is super weird because I don't know anyone from either classes except for Mark and Lucas... and why would Mark tell everyone something awkward and shameful that involves himself?

So, Raymond Gan told me the truth. The truth is, Lucas spread that "information" in his own 3G and in thus got spread to 3F. Wow, now everyone in both classes know me... wow! I just hate it when such things happen. I didn't even ask for such horrible things but it just happened as if... it was meant to be like that.

The worst thing was it was Lucas who started everything. I didn't expect that, honestly. I'm just in total shock and moroseness. Well, I don't love Lucas so I don't know why I'm so affected by his actions.

Is it right to just blame Lucas for everything? The fact that Mark just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore... it can't be totally because of Lucas.

Because I know I am at fault too. Like 99.9% of it.

I shouldn't have loved Mark in the first place. I shouldn't have made it so obvious in the first place. In a way, that's Karma, I suppose.

I'm not pissed at all, I'm just upset... and I really hate myself at this point of time. I felt that I have brought shame upon Mark or something...

But in any case, if Mark really doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then why does he still use me? Why does he still say "hi" (when he's alone, and when I'm alone too)? Why?...

Such are questions which I can't answer myself.

I'm feeling so perplexed and confused now... and listening to Ayu's RAINBOW album, makes me feel a lot calmer since I get a lot of imagery and messages when I listen to it... so I think I should just type the album out and my feelings towards it...

Note: You can leave this blog now since I'm not expecting everyone to read the following lol.

"No rain, can't get the rainbow."
RAINBOW - ayumi hamasaki

I wonder what sort of an impression do those simple words give you, but to me, it means a lot. There are a lot of times when I feel that a certain thing is going to kill me, but in the end, everything turns out all right and... things just settle down somehow. Perhaps that's how life is, and it's only through experiencing pain and hardship that we can see the fruit of our labor. But Mark...

"I give you a box of dreams. An everlasting dream..."
everlasting dream - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, everlasting dream is simply a 1min+ interlude in the album but I think that line made a lot of sense. We all have our own dreams and are working towards our goal. People with goals succeed because they know where they are going. I think that's so true. Mark, I just want to protect your dream...

"We are meaningless unless we accept ourselves."
WE WISH - ayumi hamasaki

I wonder if there's a real 'us' that we all portray ourselves as. Someone really cool? A successful millionaire? Being with someone you really love? Who is it that we see in the mirror? So, perhaps it's because I'm gay that I can totally understand that quotation. Yes, we are nothing unless we decide to act as ourselves, instead of faking some other identity.

"Maybe I have heard enough people saying that they knew the value of something only after losing it."
Real me - ayumi hamasaki

And I'm sick of myself saying that too.

"I'll always protect you, so you never ever lose that which you have clutched close to your heart."
Free & Easy - ayumi hamasaki

Sometimes, what we view as our duty is not what really is our duty. Perhaps it's something more of a desire... to protect the ones whom we love. And we can only blame ourselves when we fail to protect anything at all. But what's with all the 'we's? I think I'm the only person who has such a twisted thinking.

"I've come to be able to smile, even when I feel no fun. I wonder if I have changed."
Heartplace - ayumi hamasaki

How true. Nowadays, I feel as though I'm smiling to be polite, and to make people leave me alone, rather than smiling because I'm really happy. Like today, when I just got sad and looked down in depression, people came to ask me if I was all right. Thank you for your concern but in such a time... I really want to be alone and think about things, and rushing to the toilet is too dramatic. So... have I changed?

"I honestly love you; I didn't have a little more courage."
Over - ayumi hamasaki

Ah, how do I explain this? I think the reason to why I love/loved Mark in the first place is because I feel that he is actually a very nice person... like very nice, but hidden behind an identity that is needed to fit in and be 'cool', and thus misunderstood by many. And because the more he bares he fangs, the more I see his heart... there's a desire to protect him from everything... I still believe in love...

"Whenever I'm sad, I have a habit of saying, 'I'm okay.'"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

With reference to Heartplace, I think that I do this a lot of times too. I told lies to a lot of people today (like Chang Jun), when they asked me if I was 'all right', I could only muster a trembling smile and say "I'm okay", because I'm not strong at all. I'm just that pathetic useless self; I've only learned to pretend to be strong.

"Love is not an illusion; Dreams will surely come true; There will be a ray of hope. Yes, if we believe so."
everywhere nowhere - ayumi hamasaki

I really wonder what is going through Ayu's mind when she writes songs... one moment she writes a song of moroseness and then suddenly she comes with something like this! All in the same album! Well, I guess that's how the RAINBOW concept came about, to tell us that life is a RAINBOW, holding true to the many concepts and symbolism that a RAINBOW gives us...

"If it's fine tomorrow, I will go to see you. Yes, I will be with you. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow."
July 1st - ayumi hamasaki

I just want to see Mark again, I just want to hear his voice again... I just want to go back to those days when we didn't know too much of each other... =|

"What are you thinking about now? What can I do for you?"
Dolls - ayumi hamasaki

Mark, I've always thought of how I can help you, I've always thought of how I can be less of a burden to you, but... I'm so useless, I can't do anything right... Even if here is the end of the world, I still wish to show you the continuation of the dream (also from Dolls)...
I think I finally understood why Ayu named this song 'Dolls'. Because Dolls are toys... used by people when they feel like playing... shelved when they don't feel like playing...
Has Mark been treating me like a Doll? When I think about those times when I just took my wallet out and lent him money (er-hem, he still owes me $0.60)... and whatever other times that I have done SOMETHING for him, he seems happy with me... but when I'm not needed... he cast me aside... like today...

"We travel this road to find happiness. Everyone is a traveler, carrying his own never-healing wounds. You see? You look good with a smile on your face."
Voyage - ayumi hamasaki

Mark, you look good with a smile on your face. I just want to hold your hands and feel that pulsating warmth that you give to everyone... I hate to travel on this road called "Life" alone... I really don't want to but still... to protect you...

"I will always be by your side, though I can do nothing else."
Close to you - ayumi hamasaki

I am so useless and stupid.

*independent and + are excluded cos they are too happy.

... I'm sorry for being so Ayu crazy... and mentioning Mark in almost every quotation but that's what my mind is filled with now... I'm a goner.

Listened to music @ 9:52 PM

♥ Sunday, March 30, 2008

Yay today's my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

Peter is going to give me a chicken pie tomorrow omg I'm so touched!~

Anyway, to celebrate my birthday, I went to watch The Leap Years (yes, yes...) today by myself.

It's like one month since the movie was released but honestly I didn't have time to watch it before. And I don't like watching romance movies with too many people because it's almost confirmed that I'll cry at some point of time and I don't want people to be O.o at me.

Anyway, I DID cry lol, at the part when the letter that Jeremy wrote to Li-Ann was narrated...

Ah- tomorrow is another day then the birthday won't be too grand anymore. Perhaps it is because it is so short that Birthdays are treated with a lot of care and just a very big thing lol.

Well this post is going to be short since there's nothing much to talk about anyway... Bye~

Listened to music @ 9:58 PM

♥ Saturday, March 29, 2008

Band was from 09 00 to 17 00 today.

I don't know why, but the Percussion section seems to be getting themselves into a new scandal every band practice.

... It puzzles me but when I see them getting scolded, I feel kind of sad.

It's not really about Mark or anything but something else.

I think that they were all born to soar, so why are they contended with crawling?

Giving up easily and being nonchalant... I don't think this is the Mark/Lucas/Saw/Jia Wei that God had in mind when He created them. They really could do so much more, if they believed.

What's stopping them? Temptations? Appearance sake?

I don't think it's worth to be humiliated just to get all those.

Imagine having someone need to tell you to take your bag and go home because you just sneak out of the band room like that... it's very humiliating.

If the Percussions are actually okay with that (well obviously not, since they either had a black face or an embarrassed face when they came back...), then it means they're okay with people lowering their worth. Isn't that sad?

I don't care if I'm going to sound like a naive idiot but I sincerely believe that the Percussions are not bad people by nature. Well, no one is actually. Perhaps they are misunderstood, or got lost somewhere there... whatever it is, someone has to pull them back. I hope that person will appear soon.

Because sometimes, it's not just about band, it's about life. Are you guys going to sneak out of your office because you feel like it? You'll get sacked, which isn't worth it. Do you see why Xing Hao was so pissed... perhaps to you all it was like nothing wrong, but really, we care. We know it's going to affect you guys in the long run, so before it's implemented... We...

Mark and Lucas. You two are not Grade 7 Piano for NOTHING. I mean, no one is perfect so obviously no one expects you to be the perfect member or whatever but... to what extent are you showing your musicality? Playing the same percussion instruments over and over again... I'll be bored too. Perhaps that's why you want to do something different during band to find excitement. But you could have fun playing different parts for different songs... if you actually bother to work hard. It's like you have wasted your parents' money on getting piano teachers and paying for you piano exams.

Surely, no one was hoping for these horrible things. So, no one is stopping you from anything... but yourself.

People are like glass windows. We shine when the sun is out but we only show what kind of people we are in the night, when we shine from the light within.

Yes, I believe that you are like that too. I think many other people have believed too. But have you?

^^ I sound like some important person giving some lecture but honestly I'm just a small, helpless person. Actually, I sort of doubt that the Percussions would bother... since they're so nonchalant in just about almost everything... but still... these are my thoughts, so... Well this blog is made to private anyway so how many people actually read this? Lol.

Supposing life is a momentary dream
It would be like a flower
Even if destined to fall
It is all the more precious for its transience

What I lost somewhere once
What I left somewhere on that day
Now I go on a journey
With what is left in my hands

What are you thinking about now?
What can I do for you?

Maybe it is valuable as it has no forms
Maybe it is cruel and beautiful

Whether it rains or it blows
On the glowing day or on the silent night
Even if here is the end of the world
I wish to show you the continuation of the dream

I will grow a beautiful flower
And offer it to you
I will grow a beautiful flower
And offer it to you

What are you thinking about now?
What can I do for you?

I will grow a beautiful flower
And offer it to you
I will grow a beautiful flower
And offer it to you

I will sing a song
And sing by your side
I will sing a song
And sing by your side

Dolls - ayumi hamasaki

What are you thinking about now? "I hate you."
What can I do for you? "Get out of my sight."

Listened to music @ 10:07 PM

♥ Friday, March 28, 2008

Today was band again.

Why did I go and find websites with manuscript paper and download and print them?
Why did I spend another hour darkening the manuscript cos it's fade due to my printer ink almost diminishing?

The Percussion section was punished by Mr Chiang on Wednesday cos they lost a score and they were punished to hand write Wilson's Suite score like 4 times each for every part I think.

In the end, Hui Xiong did almost everything.

Jia Wei, Saw, Wy Ton, Kevin and Nicholas Soo all did too but they gave up like less than half way through.

And I was just thinking, "Poor Hui Xiong."

Perhaps it is only after he passes out that the Percussion will realize that they have dumped all their work on him... Then the only way to learn would to be hurt first, I guess.

Mark treated me nicely on Tuesday. Mark treated me badly on Wednesday. Mark treated me nicely on Thursday. Mark treated me badly on Friday. Do you see a pattern? Perhaps I'm reading too much and when my expectations of Saturday go up... I'll be even more disappointed.

To be honest, I'm quite sick of this Doll treatment. But still... why?

I have too many questions of which answers only I can answer myself.

I don't know why, but after reading the tags left by many people on the tagboard... I felt a sense or rebirth.

In hindsight... I'm not that sad. I'm not that pathetic.

Yes, I'm thinking about people who committed suicide, people who killed others because they just couldn't take it... people who went berserk... people who have no food to eat... people who have no money... people who endure extreme family and school abuse... people who are born with no legs/handicapped... I'm really not that sad. If anything, my sadness is NOTHING compared to moroseness of those people.

I have been too selfish and focusing on my so called sadness... I have to like stop.

But of course, I'm not such a strong person to get through everything by myself... there'll still be times when perhaps I'll be alone on a rainy day (like today) and be very upset... but um okay I can't forget all sadness completely right.

It's a big thank you to my friends who have been encouraging me during this period of time... without you guys, perhaps I would still be struggling in the abyss of despair and perhaps might have already taken my life.

This Mark incident was the first time in my life that I considered suicide... which was very selfish and immature.

But I woke up from it already, thanks to a lot of people... Let's list them down.

Not in any particular order:
Chien Teng
Sean Kwek
Clement Pak
Hui Xiong
Nicholas Tan
Xing Hao
Hendrik (er lol)
The Onggos
Justin Yap
Chang Jun

Looking at these friends, well that's a lot of people. So what I said was right, I'M NOT THAT SAD ACTUALLY.

So Ayu has in a way (I'm finding excuses~) managed to have a song that describes my feelings. Here it goes!

Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's weak self, tomorrow's strong self.
If it's you, who are you showing it to? If it's me, who should I show it to?

Time is sometimes a cruel thing,
but the present is made by that cruelty.

Unceasingly searching for someone, an instant of release
soon triumphs over the visiting fear.

As I don't even notice the flowers shaking before my feet,
I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Yesterday's healed wounds and today's deeply opened wounds.
If it's you, who are you showing it to? If it's me, who should I show it to?

The sanity and insanity that I was given and are mine only,
Both exist together without negating the other.

Futile things, spilled things, and useless things...
I'll choose with confidence, so I am of myself.

Because I have always defined happiness with my own standards.

Today's happy face, today's sad face.
Even if yesterday's healed wounds have opened today,
If it's you, who can you show it to? If it's me, I want to show it to that person.

Trauma - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 10:26 PM

♥ Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Yesterday was a very bad day indeed but thanks to tags left by chien and Karen and Clement (no Hendrik doesn't count...), I felt much x 1000 better about yesterday.

But as yesterday's wrath leaves, today's moroseness settled in...

Had band just now and it was just kind of sad.

I don't know why but I have this feeling that all the juniors hate me or something.

Ren Zhong hates me because he can't depend on me for anything, because I really suck. My section hates me because in their eyes, I don't deserve to be SL in the first place so yah...

Lucas hates me because he thinks I'm gay. Nicholas Chew hates me for some reason I can't put into words.

Mark hates me because... of me.

It's only 20 days before I am left to concentrate on my studies and leave band aside but... I can't seem to make a clean escape...

Sometimes, they say certain things which makes me think a lot. Things that are insignificant to everyone else...

Like when Lucas said, "Who cares?" when I casually made a remark that my birthday is this Sunday... it just got me into thinking about this post now. As in, he probably didn't think too much about what he said, and other people too, but it just got me into thinking about a lot of things.

About how I've failed horribly as a SL, about how I've failed horribly as a senior, about how I've failed horribly as a person...

I think I'm on better terms with seniors but I think it's really... not so nice to just keep bonding with one group of people. Perhaps I'm too distant from the juniors that when I try to take the first step, everything just starts to fall apart...

And also, I thought of Mark's different treatment towards me yesterday and today and... they are really 180 degrees of difference. I mean, okay maybe I shouldn't be too affected by Mark because I don't love him anymore, but what Lucas said also made an impact on me... I mean perhaps it's because of Justin Mai or some other personal reason of his (maybe his right shoulder's injury?) but still... I was thinking...

Why do I do so much?
Why do I care so much?
Why do I fear so much?
Why do I love so much?

Yes, ideas for a new writing, and I've thought of a title already. And that is going to be the opening stanza.

When ordinary words fail to express a feeling, then perhaps through literature, I can do it better...

But for now, an Ayu song that got me into more thinking as I was listening to it on the way home...

*My eyes met yours again, we talked a little
My heart throbbed and I hid my feelings behind a smile
As I was afraid I might not be able to go back to the times
When I had not known you

The wind has already gotten cold
Laughing voices fill the air with white breath
It may be because of the winter
That I feel like crying for nothing

I remember that night when we first met even now

* (repeat)

We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout

My love grew when we couldn't meet
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you
I found I couldn't go back to the times
When I had not known you

Please don't smile with such sorrowful eyes
As if you were about to be broken and disappear
What can I do, my dear?

My love grew when we couldn't meet
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you
I find I can't go back to the times
When I didn't know you

Why sometimes I can't say honestly?
Why sometimes I can't be tender?
Why sometimes we hurt each other?
Why sometimes we check each other?
Why sometimes my heart aches so much
Why always my heart goes out to you?
I can't think of anyone but you
I can't think of anyone but you

Because of You - ayumi hamasaki

The last stanza is totally broken English but um - at least they tried their best to translate it. ^^

... Good-bye.

Listened to music @ 11:20 PM

♥ Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Today wasn't a good day. Had many lessons of double period (is this sentence structure right???) and there was a health check up during HCL. Anyway it's so funny cos the nurse wanted to take Chang Jun's height but he was too tall so like they needed to extend the measurement thingy... it's funny. Then after that I had to take my height and weight. =|

Luckily no INSENSITIVE people in my class were there to make things awkward. Oh and I realized that my height isn't 175cm lol it's 173cm!

Anyway, lessons ended at 13 20. In the past, I used to have to stay back for A Maths and have lessons end at 3. But I don't have to now (guess why)! =D But I didn't go for Sectionals cos... I was really tired (yeah excuses but I can't be going there EVERY DAY right lol)...

Anyway, so I was at the bus stop waiting for 28 when the TRAGEDY happened.

Disclaimer: The following sections of this post contain crude insults, explicits and self-blaming. If by any chance, you are offended by either of the mentioned 3 things, then please at this time now, exit this place. If not, =)

So, while waiting for 28, Mark came up to me and tapped/hit my arm and said 'hi'. Okay, faced with such a surreal situation, I could only come up with a stunned face and be bewildered for the next 5 seconds. Then, I decided that it was rude not to say 'hi' back, so I went up to Mark and was about to open my mouth when...

Justin Mai, Wen Jie, Kai Sheng and Jonas appeared at the bus stop. No offence to anyone else, since they didn't do anything malicious except for ONE bloody bastard.

So, Justin Mai went to touch me like what the fuck no one told you to do anything to me. Just fuck off and leave me alone like isn't it obvious that you're being a fucking hypocrite filled with shit lies in class already.

Anyway, I told Justin Mai to 'get away' and he said,

"Wah lau Mark Lee here then you act until like that."

What the fuck?

That's a retarded statement. How did YOU know that I was saying that because of Mark. I can't even express my blatant dislike towards you? Asshole.

Anyway, Mark left to the next bus stop (I think) after that cos I think he feels the whole situation was way too awkward and who knows what Justin Mai is going to ask Mark later on. In a way, I was glad that he left but argh! I could have spoken to him in the privacy of the two of us as two normal people with a platonic relationship but Justin Mai just ruined EVERYTHING! I hate him to the core!

Then on 28, he was like putting his hand on my shoulder and playing with my hair. All the more I'm offended like what the fuck he's so bloody insensitive. Can't he bloody tell that I'm pissed??? I even walked off to the other end of the bus stop after Mark left JUST to show him that I wasn't happy already.

Insensitive morons who can't get messages. And they flare up when people confront them about their insensitivity. Such people (Justin Mai, my brother) are just... making people's lives miserable.

I should made my blog private ages ago. Why only now? I mean in the first place, I had to make my blog private because Justin Mai was reading it and spreading my posts to the whole class, such that people like Zen keep irritating me with it.

By the way, A BIG THANKS to Yu Qi (another insensitive bastard who happens to be Justin Mai's minion) for telling Xing Lao Shi that I "played soccer for Mark", seriously just fuck off and die. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Anyway, but it was all too late. He already knew that I lovED (love in his fucked up eyes) Mark and refused to stop talking about it. What the fuck man.

And because of his untimely appearance and insensitive statement, I was left to worry for the whole afternoon about Mark's reaction and what's going to happen etc. Fuck you, Justin Mai, I so fucking hate you for being so freaking insensitive and just so bastardly. Fuck off, leave me alone. I don't need your false sympathy.

I wonder if that play on Monday got any message through your thick, numb skull? Perhaps it's all a JOKE to you, since you're so fucking insensitive to start off with.

Do you need to wait until one of your victims, like me or Leonard to commit suicide or something before you realize that no matter how much you try to deny, YOU ARE A BULLY AND A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

At least, NOW my blog is made to private lets fuckers of the likes of Justin Mai read it. I really don't mind if anyone reads my blog, but to spread it around and make fun of the contents... not acceptable anymore.

Justin Mai, your hypocrisy towards teachers like Miss Tan is fucking disgusting. Your antics to prank call classmates is fucking retarded. If you DARE, just go ask us ourselves for our number and birth dates. STOP asking your fucking minion to do your job, cos we know already, asshole.

Oh my God, I can't wait to graduate from this school and be away from homophobes who happen to be insensitive like Justin Mai. Though the world is full of such people, facing one less is a blessing.

Listened to music @ 10:11 PM

♥ Monday, March 24, 2008

Today, during Hall Assembly, there was a play on bullying.

I think the play was really spot on about the cases of bullying and what have you... it's sad to see people bullying because they needed to satisfy a part of themselves.

You are a free bird, while I am just a nobody who ties you down. It is good that you are ever free but I... The happier I try to be, the sadder I feel when I am alone. Do I need to be in the company of people to laugh? That's just pathetic and sad and really not something I want to be... It drizzled tonight and I felt sad...

*junxiang, you're such an idiot! Please STOP thinking about HIM anymore!!!*

Listened to music @ 10:52 PM

♥ Saturday, March 22, 2008

If anything, band saves me from everything.

Today was the much await session with Dr. Goh (can't remember his full name). He's supposedly a renowned choir teacher (or something like that) so he was hired to teach us on how to sing in Hymn to the Sun.

And I heard he charges $150 per hour. Ouch. And we all know who really pays for that in the end...

Anyway, basically in the Chorus section of Hymn, there are four parts - soprano, alto, tenor and bass.

Obviously, I want to sing soprano.

And there were people who wondered if I actually forced myself to be in soprano. =.=

Anyway, Dr. Goh said that there is to be a re-arrangement of the singing parts, so there was a one-on-one "audition" for you to find out your vocal range, and thus be in a certain group.

I went in, and he asked me,

"Which part were you singing before?"
"*Soh, La, Ti, Do plays* IN THE FREAKING HIGH OCTAVE. Okay sing that."
"O.o attempts to sing in falsetto (and was pretty accurate...)"
"Okay, 1st."

Like omg can, I didn't expect that I could get into soprano by using FALSETTO too. But in any case, I am now still soprano for the chorus for Hymn. Just what I want.

Had alumni later on. Then I heard that Xing Hao is going to Bugis to get stuff for the April concert... So we tagged along.

We = me, Chang Jun, Dwayne, Jia Wei and Justin Yap.

And um if we were to take a bus together it'd be okay but no...


I used to think Fredy, Albert and Chien Teng all "squeezing" into the back of Mr Chiang's car was bad but... today omg.

While, I took the front seat (to save everyone... =p) the rest all really SQUEEZED into the back. What the hell man. I feel really sad for them but lol perhaps we all shouldn't be inside in the first place anyway, since Xing Hao actually wanted to go alone...

Which was what he did.

After having dinner at Food Junction. It was like good-bye already. Like omg. Xing Hao just walked to Bugis street to research on the stuff while the rest just... went home. Hmm... I'd rather want to eat with Fredy then.

Anyway, took a long and tiring MRT ride back home.

Justin Yap was meeting Wei Qi too so yah we just got off together. She asked me to accompany them to Macs but I declined. I'm too tired, I can't be a LIGHT BULB, and Wei Qi said she wants to talk about Mark zzz... the ultimate reason to why I declined...

Today is the first day that I'm trying to put my theory to practical.

Though there were times when I failed, like how super cute he looked when he was singing... but in any case I just told myself that I needed to let go so yah... managed to talk very very very little about him today. Congratulations? Perhaps it is too soon to speak...

Listened to music @ 9:47 PM

♥ Friday, March 21, 2008

I have changed my blogskin! The focus is now fireworks... I'll explain why later.

Anyway, today is Good Friday so it's a holiday... I woke up at 12pm omg. This is one of the rare times when I wake up after 10am... haha.

I did a lot of thinking today... and perhaps I have come to my final decision.


To Mark...

I don't know how to remove any impressions that I have given you. I don't know how to reverse anything in the first place. I mean, it is my fault that the two of us are in such a situation.

Whenever you turn your head and walk in an opposite direction because you saw me... my heart sank. It's something that I can't really explain... I'm sure you know how I feel too. When I found out that you have blocked me from MSN, my first thought was, "Well, why am I not surprised?"

I know I bug you a lot on MSN, so I guess your decision was right too. In this way, I wouldn't have any chance to communicate with you...

If there's anything that has more power than love, then it'd be the power of Good-Bye.

Because you know that when you let go, there's always a feeling that holds you back... something that stops you from doing the RIGHT thing. And I have been having that feeling... for four months already. It is time to do the right thing and to make the right decision.

The reason to why I changed my blogskin to fireworks is because...

Fireworks are a momentary beauty, forlorn and nostalgic. Mark, just like you, fireworks captivate me a lot.

But once they fly up to the sky... they dissipate to nothingness. Perhaps that is what I should do to my feelings towards you too.

Perhaps I had this theory to fireworks with inspiration from Ayu (as always?)... she knows what I mean. Haha.

Anyway, I have decided to let you go forever. No more bugging, no more pestering. I wonder what would happen to us now?

Obviously, deciding to let go doesn't equate to not talking to you, or talking to your section mates. If anything, I want to socialize with everyone =D.

Because you are such a carefree and simple person... I can't allow myself to burden you any further.

Let this be the final farewell to my memories. If anything, I really really really want to be friends with you, just like everyone else.

The summer has come again and again since then
But why am I looking back upon the past again
Tracing the footprints?

I remember everything even now
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget, and I don't want to forget

Did I choose the right way?
But I keenly understand there is no answer
Whomever I may ask it to

Please tell me some day that you are happy
And smile

I gently lock the memories away
Leaving them to be beautiful

This feeling, this feeling, go up into the sky
And be dispersed beautifully like a firework

HANABI ~episode II~ - ayumi hamasaki

Yeah, that should be what I have to do (forgive the bad sentence structure =P)

This stanza strikes me the most.

This feeling, this feeling, go up into the sky
And be dispersed beautifully like a firework"

That's right.

I still remember band camp last year.
I still remember how you laugh.
I still remember how you cute you are.
I still remember how free you always look.
I still remember how your hands felt like.
I still remember... a lot of things.

But as from today, I'll try to forget all of them. Every single one of them.

Farewell, Mark.

Listened to music @ 10:29 PM

♥ Thursday, March 20, 2008

Life is too complicated sometimes for us to full comprehend it.

I am listening to the whole of Ayu's I am... album now. In case if you don't know, the I am... days (2001) was Ayu's supposingly darkest period of her life. As in, she was really confused and lost at the time.

And the songs that came out from I am... were full of faith and hope... as if she was using her songs as prayers and to display what she really wanted: Love, Faith.

Today is Maundy Thursday and tomorrow would be Good Friday and Sunday is Easter Sunday.

We had this mass thing going on today and... a lot of thoughts were going through my mind.

At that time, the lyrics of the songs in the I am... album kept repeating in my mind and I just felt very happy yet sad. It's like suddenly I'm filled with hope but at the same time, I'm reminding myself of the current situation. Yes, a very weird feeling.

The I am... quote

"Despite my faults, will I be forgiven? Please tell me."
I am... - ayumi hamasaki

Will I be forgiven? I keenly remember that prayer...
"Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us."
I have already forgiven Nicholas Koh and whoever else! I'm not even angry with anyone anymore... well except for myself. Do I need to forgive myself too before I can be forgiven? Please tell me...

"Oh, by the time we sleep the deep sleep, how many precious words would we have exchanged?"
Connected - ayumi hamasaki

I am actually a very quiet person. There are many times when I see someone familiar at a bus stop for example, and I think, "oh Shit."

Because while I listen to the great Ayu's songs... my mind is thinking of many things... usually to the context of the song... but it's just that I really want to think about such matters and come to some sort of a conclusion.

So, how many precious words have I exchanged? Perhaps none, since I'm only 16... and words are pretty powerless in the first place (you would see that later).

"People are short lived, but they are strong."
UNITE! - ayumi hamasaki

Isn't that the most optimistic thing ever? Life is really so transient. There are many times when I think that I could be dead in the next minute... But before that, what would be the last thing that I'll think of?

Whenever I feel like committing suicide, this thought will surface in my mind...

"Can I die now? I still have regrets that I am not over with... I still have not done a lot of things that I want to do yet..."

And the ultimate question:

"I don't want to go to Hell as a fat person." Okay I'm kidding.

"Reality is a traitor; it's easy to misjudge things."
evolution - ayumi hamasaki

Isn't this so true? Like appearance and reality, life isn't what it appears to be. Like someone who is smiling and laughing all the time (like me) can't be too normal in the first place cos Life would NEVER be always happy. I'm afraid that this sad fact is something that we all have to embrace. So... the more someone smiles... there's a higher chance that he could be deeply hurt inside. It is up to you to decide.

"In gathering, displaying and viewing only beautiful things, and seeing beautiful dreams, I was only lamenting reality."
Naturally - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, like the people in the Gold 90.5 FM advertisements, perhaps I too, am deluding myself. I tried too hard to push you away from reality that you appear in my dreams instead... And I dreamt of us leaving each other forever... are dreams the opposite of reality? Because I have been having nightmares about you...

"If you'll laugh for me, even just a little, then there's still a reason for me to live."
NEVER EVER - ayumi hamasaki

I really like how the quote and song title just contradict each other... well I have nothing to say about this. Doesn't the quote just shout out my feelings now?

"I loved your face that seemed to tell the future."
still alone - ayumi hamasaki

You always look so dreamy and hopeful... inside you, despite whatever that other people say, must be something that is full of dreams and faith... something that makes you unique...

"Things aren't random; perhaps everything is inevitable."
Daybreak - ayumi hamsaki

Certainly, the fact that I got to meet you under this sky... having a chance to protect you... I couldn't have planned that, no one could, perhaps except for God.

"Beginnings come at random, but endings always have a reason."
M - ayumi hamasaki

By the way, M stands MARIA not Mark (well how would Ayu and Mark have anything to do with each other...?).

Anyway, doesn't M contradict Daybreak?

... I don't really know why I loved you. I don't really know why I started calling your name during band camp. But I know why you shun me and turn in another direction when I see you now.

It is all my fault.

"Surely no one was hoping for any of these terrible things."
a song is born - ayumi hamasaki

I wasn't, were you?

"Are all people sad?... They are forgetful creatures..."
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki

While lamenting your blatant abhor towards me, I never for once have forgotten the happy times that I spent with you... I don't think that I will ever be sad forever...

"If this world was split into winners and losers, I'd rather be a loser. I would always want to be a loser."
no more words - ayumi hamasaki

What's the point of winning when there isn't anyone to share my joy with?

Perhaps, the poorest man is the wealthiest.

Really, having fame, money and power is nothing if at the end, you realize that you were alone all the while...

"If you are left with no wings, I still have one wing left. So... together... together..."
Endless sorrow - ayumi hamasaki

I wonder if there is someone out there in this world for everyone to protect... at this time, I just want to protect you but no one knows what the future holds... It's saddening to know that ultimately, you'll just be a passing memory...

"For instance, where I felt despair, you find a beautiful flower."
flower garden - ayumi hamasaki

We are too different. Oh well.

I doubt anyone bothers to read this boring post... anyway I had so much fun playing the Marimba today!

Listened to music @ 9:44 PM

♥ Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Today is a bad day.

Oh wait let's rephrase this: today is a horrible today.

Actually, that's good enough.


Um yes something happened after 'band'.

It has something to do with a letter. And the word 'sick'. Does that sound familiar? Maybe Mark only uses 'sick' to me, since it's such an... insulting word.

(Ah, yes I feel more freedom now that this blog is restricted...)

Anyway, Mark said I'm 'sick' because I wrote that letter to him two weeks ago.

And on impulse, I tore the letter up in front of Mark and ran away. Yes, I ran away, unable to face reality as always.

And then I reached the bus stop. And I started crying, I mean weeping really without control. Clement was beside me... so it's pretty comforting that there is still someone there...

While crying, I saw Dion, Quinten and Zen. I saw them while I was crying. That's a very bad thing right, especially since I keep saying 'no' whenever Zen asks me if I'm emo (for sarcastic reasons of course). So I did this dramatic thing, which is to run away (again) to the next bus stop. But I saw Quinten and Zen take off in a taxi and Dion got on 28, so I decided to walk back. But well lol Clement followed me haha, he doesn't feel like going home at that time too...

And so I cried and cried for a long time (long if 3 28s passing by is long to you...) and um Raymond Gan happened to pass by and he thought I was crying because the letter was in the band room (well I'm not sad over that) and he asked me something which actually made me think a lot.

"Do you want me to tell you the truth or would you rather me to tell you a lie?"

Sigh. The truth is ever so depressing and hard to face up to. While the lies are so comforting and disillusioning...

But still, which one is more beneficial to us?

To recognize only the lies and lead a delusional life


To know the truth and give up before it's too late?

As always, weird people like me want to know the truth but we'll never give up.

So... I thought of dying... and I just did on Saturday!

But as always, because of one person who told me something comforting, I ended up writing 8 songs to heal myself. And I feel better now but nevertheless I am still upset.

Well, James Onggo passed by too and then I stopped crying after he left...

Mark, if you ever read my blog, can you please understand something? This message goes for anyone who thinks that I am lying by saying that I don't love Mark anymore.

I don't want you to love me. Because it is not going to happen! I understand that you actually like a girl now (please tell me if this false) so... naturally I am hoping that it'll be a happy ending for the two of you.

I just want to be your friend. Like not some toy that you play around... calling me a 'friend' when you feel like it (and thus making my day) and then calling me 'sick' when you feel like it (and thus resulting in the tradegy today)....

I mean, I really want you to treat me normally, as a friend like really. As cheesy as how the bloody letter sounds, I mean every word that I said there.

"Give me a chance. Give yourself a chance. Give us a chance."

It's cheesy but oh well perhaps you don't care at all.

I mean, you probably don't know how I spoke of you in front of Cheryl, Miss Aida, and whoever else who has a wrong perception of you. I mean, maybe you don't care but are you sure you are feeling totally fine with it?

I lied to protect ourselves. I can't afford my classmates to come looking for you and telling you nonsense... I can't afford for them to anything stupid. That's why I have to lie.

I just wrote a prayer for you on Monday... I hope it comes true.

I asked Miss Aida today, "How is Mark?"

And she said, "I don't like Mark. He irritates me."

And she went to compare Mark to Thomas Ang and James Onggo! Like er-hem, they're of different leagues please. Lol lor.

Ah I don't know why a post meant to discuss my sad afternoon turned into a post just talking about Mark.

Perhaps I should stop here now. Haha.

Listened to music @ 9:49 PM

♥ Monday, March 17, 2008

I have decided to make this blog private because of some personal reasons.

I'm really okay with you or anyone reading this blog but do you have to tell everyone what I blogged? I mean read it for you own sake, not for gossips' sake.

You are acting so 'manly' and homophobic. But what you did today was just so typical of lame girls who enjoy poking their noses into everybody's business.

So, please. Stop contradicting yourself.

Anyway, my mind is as usual, confused. I just wrote 4 songs just now over a certain matter. I just feel that I've done you a lot of wrong and... okay I have to stop talking about him.

I wrote a prayer for him this morning. And a fasting thing too. As what Albert had said, fasting is also giving up something you want for someone else.

I gave my heart up for his freedom and happiness.

Okay, I really have to stop talking about him.

Listened to music @ 10:22 PM

♥ Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hi. Sorry for the emo post(s) yesterday night... I am so selfish. I only thought about my own suffering that I forgot about other people and the happy things that do go on in my life... so let's talk about that!

The metronome cum tuners came in yesterday during band. Then Mr Chiang was explaining the thing while I was looking for a chair. Then like when I finally found one and was ready to sit down, he took the metronome that he was holding and said that one was for me. I was like O.o and asked him if it's because he dropped it lol. Then he said it's mine because it's... PINK like omg it's so spontaneous and sudden... didn't expect that Mr Chiang would specially order a PINK one for me... I'm so touched *tears* T_T!!! Thank you, Mr Chiang! Now like all the people who feel indebted to him in a way or another, I am indebted to Mr Chiang too! Haha.

How long
Have we spent time together ?

How far
Have we advanced together ?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

* I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

** I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see the smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

* (repeat)
** (repeat)

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

... Sigh. MY ALL, you will always be in my heart. But from tomorrow onwards, I shall let the whole world know that I don't love you at all. Yes, it's going to be a lie for now but so what? As long as you will be ever free... I don't care at all. The only person who will know that I still love you like anything is just going to me, and maybe a few other people. But whatever it is, I am just going to work towards one goal now: to be your friend. It is hard but um, it can't be that hard. I can do it! That means that I will try not to treat you specially anymore and that... I will make you and all your friends and percussion members believe that I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

We started to walk calmly and determinedly
With the same scar in our hearts
With our backs to each other
Without looking back

We believed
We found out one unchanged thing
But we felt it was changing
And took a step back
Yet another step back afterwards
So as not to be hurt

* I wanted to say "Thank you"
I couldn't say "Thank you"
Because it's like "Good-bye for ever"
And too sad

** Maybe I shall be born again to myself some day
And start a journey to seek for you

One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
The gentle wind just like you
Blew by me

*** I wanted to say "I love you"
I couldn't say "I love you"
But I feel it was both my biggest lie
And the truth

** (repeat)

Even if I'm born again to someone else
I'll start a journey to seek for you

Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

I remember 2007's Band Camp. I remember the outing on Friday. I remember every single second that I spent with you... I remember everything...

R ight now, at this time, should be
K icked out from my life.


Tomorrow is another day, so I shall await for the next sunrise.

Listened to music @ 10:54 PM

♥ Saturday, March 15, 2008

Today is band day again! Woke up at the usual time and went for band. Had sectionals before the wonderful main band started. Well full band was so short today! Like we did the singing part for Hymn to the Sun and then Rolling Thunder and Rumble on the High Plains and it was like dismissal?

But anyway, I stayed for Alumni after that. We did Machu Pichu, Hymn to the Sun, Noah's Ark and Rolling Thunder in like er 2.5 hours? OMG.

And from the dismissal of main band to the start of Alumni... something happened, that made my heart went up and down and made my mind go to a blank.

Yes, I went to play soccer. Just for you, I played soccer for the first time in my 16 years as a human! And what did you say?

"Wah lau we got a suck goalkeeper."

Omg? I'm new and I know NUTS about soccer okay... Just broke my heart like that.

But anyway, I sent an SMS to him later on to apologize and he said it's okay anyway so yeah I guess.

And I totally love that 15 min we spent during sectionals with Jia Wei and Lucas and Saw... just to gossip about the teachers. Lol. It was so fun and beautiful. Because of you...

Why is it that whenever you break my heart.... you always do other things that make me think that you are a good person and you don't deserve all these misunderstandings that others give you?

Which brings me to my next point. Why do you always treat me like a joke? Letting the whole Percussion read the letter that I wrote to you... fine. Them making fun of it... fine.

Me worrying that you'll be pissed off while in actual fact you're just joining in the fun with them isn't fine at all. It's like I worried for nothing...

But why must I spend that 15min with you today to make me happy again? Why must Saw tell me something about you yesterday that just made me... like you even more?

Why? Why? Why?

If anyone can't control his emotions and decides to talk to THAT person... please don't ever mention that I fell in love with him for the intention of him loving back. I just need him to treat me with more warmth. That's all I ask for.

Anyway, some people are just plain immature. Jeremy that *(&**(&*&^*&^87 told HIM that I am going to "rape" him or whatever. Oh please, I am not that stupid right? I mean, what's this big fad about gays raping every single guy that they see? Go look at yourself in the mirror first, you'll be the LAST person I would ever WANT to 'rape'.

Oh well enough about the perplexing things. Jia Wei took all the food meant for the parents for the i-mac book thing! LOL and omg he just took all the hash browns and spring rolls out and dumbed all the remaining cakes away! Like what the hell lah.

I just hope... the days till I pass out on 15th April would be happy. =|

Listened to music @ 10:11 PM

♥ Friday, March 14, 2008

Today, I planned to watch Sky of Love by myself... but hey I saw Fredy and gang. Apparently, they were having some outing thing so lol I just joined lor. Quite a fruitful day I guess...

We went to eat at ichiban sushi for lunch then went to the arcade. After that, we watched 10, 000 BC and I must say... it's quite a good movie with a lot of lame stuff to joke about. Then we went to Fish&Co. where we met Justin Yap and Wei Qi. Haha Wei Qi said that Fredy has "beautiful eyes" that are like "Barbie Doll" and he is the "prettiest boy" she has ever seen. HAHA. Which reminds me, after we went out from Cathay, a group of girls walked past (allegedly) Fredy and then I heard them running off and saying, "I thought it was a girl leh!" Like major lol.


The Happy Things:
Eating and bonding with everyone there. And playing Para Para at the arcade. That was retarded but oh well.

The Sad Things:
The four writings of mine that I am going to post can't even fully describe half of the morose that I felt.



'Good-bye' I couldn't even say that clearly
I felt that I had given too much while you
Just stand there breaking my heart with your silence
I woke up in perspiration calling
Your name as though you were just there by my side

After the rain
I saw a rainbow in the sky
After you appeared
From the lights from the sky
A gentle wind like you blew past
Taking my smile away

I remember depending on you to stay
Alive and wishing that you would be happy
I am sometimes seized with too much fear because
Your beauty is too overwhelming
Memories are so nostalgic, aren't they?

The scars that I
Have left on your heart shall hurt but
While you grieve
My heart is bleeding
So much more but I hid it with
A fake smile

How is the future without you like?
Your words leave a pain that
I shall never forget...
Whatever that happens to you
Whatever mood you may be in
I'll always accept you...

After the rain
I saw a rainbow in the sky
After you appeared
From the lights from the sky
A gentle wind like you blew past
Taking my smile away

Written on the 10th of March, 2008.


CAROUSEL ~episode II~

Sometimes I wonder to myself
How long will it be before
You accept me?

I promised to protect you
At the cost of everything
But in the end it was I
Who hurt you the most... why?

Why am I so powerless and stupid?
I can't even protect the hand that
I once surely held

Falling in love with someone
Doesn't mean to possess him
If at the expense of your smile
You sacrificed his smile...
How would you ever be happy?
I've learned that... too late

I would be so fierce towards
People who have hurt you
But in the end you chose them
Over me... why?

Why am I so fragile and useless?
I can't even save your heart from your
Casual manners

When you have seen him in smiles
Because you gave him up
Naturally you would be smiling too
You sacrificed yourself
Without letting him know...
That, is true love

Falling in love with someone
Doesn't mean to possess him
If at the expense of your smile
You sacrificed his smile...
How would you ever be happy?
I've learned that... too late

When you have seen him in smiles
Because you gave him up
Naturally you would be smiling too
You sacrificed yourself
Without letting him know...
That, is true love

I have sometimes wondered
How long would it be before
You accept me?

Written on the 11th March, 2008.


CAROUSEL ~overture~

Fireworks are a momentary beauty -
Nostalgic and forlorn
Just like you
They mesmerize me with their
Immense beauty

I want to forget but I can't forget
It appears that the more
I wish to
Forget the more it clings onto
My memories...

I might have known too soon
The terrible rebound after happiness

If one day
You would to leave me behind
I won't cry
Because I know you wouldn't
Want to see me in morose
Because of you
That's why I'm laughing now

Supposing that words can distort what we mean
And cause misunderstandings
Then I wish
That I would lose my voice and
Give you freedom

Why can't humans live as
They wish? Perhaps we desire too much...

I am sad and feel hopeless
I have a
Habit of saying "I'm okay."
The smile you saw at that time
Was a big lie
That's why I'm crying now

Please tell me that
You're truly happy
With your usual smile
In this way
I would have left
Without regrets

If one day
You would to leave me behind
I won't cry
Because I know you wouldn't
Want to see me in morose
Because of you
That's why I'm laughing now

I am sad and feel hopeless
I have a
Habit of saying "I'm okay."
The smile you saw at that time
Was a big lie
That's why I'm crying now

A gentle wind like you blew past
After you had left.
I faked a feeble smile
Putting on a bold front.
I am back to you
After a long ride.

Written on the 11th of March, 2008.



How nice would it be
If we could keep
Our most precious
Treasures with us
And throw away the rest...
But reality is so cruel...

It is just as well
Since I will still
By your side...

Let's go to that place together
Where all of your scars and wounds
Will heal and disappear
If only you would believe me...
If only you would walk with me...

Humans are such that
We keep wanting
Despite all that
We had with us
And we lost sight of
Our Dearest along the way...

What can you do to
The person who loves
You the most?

Let's go to that place together
Where all of your tears and fears
Will fade and disappear
Do you see the rising sun?
That is the tomorrow there...

Let's go to that place together
Where I can be with you until
The end of time...

Let's go to that place together
Where all of your scars and wounds
Will heal and disappear
If only you would believe me...
If only you would walk with me...

Let's go to that place together
Where all of your tears and fears
Will fade and disappear
Do you see the rising sun?
That is the tomorrow there...

Let's go to that place together
Where all of your scars and wounds
Will heal and disappear
You have believed me...
You have walked with me...
Do you see that rainbow?
Ah - it has been tiring
We took the long way
And finally got to there...

Written on the 13th of March, 2008.


All words by me. All writings for M. If you have a melody to sing to all these four writings, please let me know haha. If you find that they suck, please tell me. If you like them, please tell me. If you think they're too sad... well I've not written a happy song for a month already.

Listened to music @ 11:30 PM

Hi I'm just feeling very sad now so... don't read this if you want to have a Beautiful Day.




Listened to music @ 1:10 AM

♥ Thursday, March 13, 2008

My mind is in a spectrum of thoughts; my heart is in a spectrum of emotions...

Anyway, how can anyone actually post anything after band?! I'm too tired to even do anything after band... oh gosh. I am lethargic!

Well, there as band on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. 9am to 5pm.

I cried during lunch on Tuesday. Don't ever ask me why. Just know that I lost my appetite during lunch and some people actually know that I cried! But luckily X doesn't know... if not I'll be in deep trouble.

Also on that same day, after band, I know of something very horrible related to X. Luckily, I didn't hear any latest news, which means good news.

Today I bought a handphone from some 2nd phone shop. I must say I am pleased cos the phone is pink (I LOVE PINK!) and yeah.

Okay I know my post is very short but I feel so perplexed that I don't know what to blog in the first place so yeah.

Listened to music @ 10:26 PM

Listened to music @ 10:10 PM

♥ Monday, March 10, 2008

Do you think I am happy? Or do you think that I am sad? Or perhaps I am neither? Whatever it is... you will be the judge to my feelings for this complicated day after I blog first.

So anyway, woke up blah blah went for band and had for the first time... efficient sectionals! Thanks to Xing Hao of course lol. Then the SLs were told to separate the section into Group A and Group B... where A are people who can play Noah's Ark and Hymn to the Sun and B can't. Well... it is really cruel but at least B people have chances! Work hard! (I need too... there's a certain piece that everyone is expected to know how to play that I know nuts of...)

The 20 Quotes for Today.

"What excuse should I make for this wave of pain?"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

"Why am I so powerless and stupid? I can't even protect the hand I once surely held."
criminal - ayumi hamasaki

"Trust me my love, you'll always live within me so I'll never say good-bye to you."
HEAVEN - ayumi hamasaki

"Surely, on that day, the two of us touched love."
HEAVEN - ayumi hamasaki

"A flash of light shone on us, as if to celebrate the way that we were going on."
rainy day - ayumi hamasaki

"It was a cold day; I kept on waiting just for you in the hard rain."
rainy day - ayumi hamasaki

"I might have known too early - the terrible rebound after happiness."
Liar - ayumi hamasaki

"Let me stay by your side, though I may bother you again and again."
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

"Whatever may happen and whatever mood you may be in, I'll always accept you."
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

"I want to see you, I want to see you, your smiling face in my memory is just too kind."
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

"Beginnings come at random but endings always have a reason."
M - ayumi hamasaki

"Whenever I close my eyes, you're there, smiling."
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki

"Are all people sad? They are forgetful creatures..."
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki

"Even though you'll never be perfect, you shine in your imperfection."
TO BE - ayumi hamasaki

"Your face is more beautiful when you're sad."
YOU - ayumi hamasaki

If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I loved you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki

I feel the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"
fated - ayumi hamasaki

Do you believe in fate --
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life
Before that?"
fated - ayumi hamasaki

"I wanted to say "Thank you"

I couldn't say "Thank you"
Because it's like "Good-bye for ever"
And too sad"
Together When.... - ayumi hamasaki

"I wanted to say "I love you"

I couldn't say "I love you"
But I feel it was both my biggest lie
And the truth"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

My apologies if the last few quotes look fugly cos um yeah I just copied and pasted from the website... too tired to type everything out.

Listened to music @ 9:51 PM

♥ Sunday, March 09, 2008

Today is really tiring day. Went out with Chang Jun, Albert, Justin Yap and Wei Qi to BandWorld to purchase stuff.

I actually wanted to buy Vincent Bach's MEGATONE mouthpiece but they're sold out of it. So like, I was recommended another brand which is supposedly better... so i bought it. And it cost a hefty $145 but thankfully the auntie charged me $9 less... Haha.

Schilke: the Symphony Series.

It's such a nice name for a mouthpiece! Haha.

Anyway just spent time afterwards eating dessert and walking around and going to the arcade (and embarrassing myself by playing Para-Para)... came home at about 21 30.

Ah, when I wake up at 6 30 tomorrow, it'll be 3 days of band! 9am to 5pm... 8 hours! It's a lot when you think of it but hey, it's in preparation for the Esplanade concert on the 15th April... and so happy to hear that Zhen Cheng can play for it due to Blocked Leave (whatever that is...)! Haha.

Tomorrow's band will be a very important one... seeing as certain things are going to happen. Pray for me! Haha.

* We walked hand in hand
We laughed and cried over trivial things

We were innocent and bright in those days

** If I could have just a wish come true now
I want to see you again

You decided that day
That you would walk all alone
On the endless road
Over that cloud to the sky

Leaving here so many things
I want to tell of and talk about

We walked without holding hands
We quarreled over trivial things and got stubborn

Even the stupid quarrels are my sweet memories now

** (repeat)

Supposing everyone goes on the endless road
Over that cloud to the sky
Sooner or later
Be sure to wait for me

And then, we will talk away
With our countless memories

Can you see me from your place ?
Are you watching over me ?

Though this may be a common expression
You stay alive
Always as you are
In my heart

However many times the seasons may pass
Our days are fadeless

* (repeat)

untitled ~for her~ - ayumi hamasaki

Ayu wrote this song when her best friend died. Like her, the person whom I think of when listening to this song is really special.

Listened to music @ 11:15 PM

♥ Saturday, March 08, 2008

If life 'sucks' because of studies and family and maybe love, then I think that band is the ultimate de-stresser!

So, as expected, there was band today. Woke up at 5 45 as always and headed for band. Apparently the NPCC and NCC are having some camp thing and yes, we all said they were sadistic. Well they are, don't blame us! lol.

Okay anyway had sectionals and I am so happy to see that my sec1 is showing enthusiasm towards the trumpet and band! There's hope after all! Haha.

Which reminds me...

I am going to pass out like after the 15th April. I will miss a lot of people from there...


"Even so, everything eventually, at someday, has to end..."
M - ayumi hamasaki

So I guess, I have to leave the band as a member after all... but obviously I'll return to see the people whom I want to see and all that...

Prayers that I won't break down on the 15th!

After band, went to Serangoon's Macs with um Jia Wei, Lucas, Nicholas Wu, James Onggo and Ren Bin.

I don't know if it's just me or what but I think maybe I'm too focussed on one group of people in band for the past few years. As in, it's like my class where there are 4 cliques and I don't belong in any, I'm like the um O type blood lol... I just talk to everyone from all cliques.

So, same goes for Band. Having lunch with these juniors is like another world... you know they just spit vulgarities that I think I said the f-word a few more times with them! It's very interesting... I want to go out with them more lol

Anyway, guess what retarded thing I did at Macs? I knocked a packet of fries off the table and $2.85 flew away just like that (heartbroken)... And in the table next to us, there was this family. So like they were looking at me when I knocked the fries off... and then at the same time I was telling Jia Wei, "don't pierce your ear!" like... and the two of us happened to be um. horizontally inclined and we're eating almost the same thing, and we're wearing the same Blue band tee and PE shorts so it's like... that must be why that family was looking at us.

After that, went home. And napped for almost 2 hours... I'm so tired!

Anyway, Maris Stella Symphonic Band is proud to announce that on the 15th April (Tuesday), at 19 30 hours to celebrate Maris Stella High School (yay for Mr Kwok's brainwashing!) 50th Anniversary at the ESPLANADE!

omg, did you see it? IT'S THE ESPLANADE WHAT THE HELL!!!

Anyway, stall seats are at $15 and $20. Circle seats are not confirmed yet. Oh, please, it's the Esplanade, the tix HAVE to be of a high price!

And... a moment of reflection...

I feel like Ayu in her I am... days... I'm really lost... I'm really confused... I want to find hope and faith in this world... and these kind of things. I'M CONFUSED!

Listened to music @ 10:29 PM

♥ Friday, March 07, 2008

Hi, this post will be sad one.

I feel like I'm dying... it's so horrible that I shudder when I have to smile for the sake of smiling...

Oh well, there has to be someone out there who is worse than me... So, in a way, maybe I shouldn't have to feel such despair but still...

the power of APPEARANCE and REALITY. If you believe I'm displaying this... then perhaps you have seen what's under everyone's smiles... but of course I'm just going to stay misunderstood to so many other people.

And. I write to save myself. Not to let other people read them (if you have noticed, I have stopped posting any lyrics that I've written on my blog anymore...). So, don't you think it's so freaking rude that you just take the book that I write lyrics on when I was away in another class. And really that's big shit but I guess it's okay. But you still had to write your own stuff in it? I'm not saying that your lyrics suck because they rhyme and it's really cute actually... but what the hell? It is MY BOOK after all. You just took it without permission and wrote songs with explicit titles and suggestive lyrics! I'm okay with that but not with them on MY BOOK!

And. Don't snatch my book away from me like that. If you want to read it, just ask? And the worst thing was I wrote people's names on some songs and you just let the person read it? And the worst thing is you let that person read something that I DIDN'T WRITE?! (it was the one that my classmates wrote... they wrote two.) WHAT THE HELL. I am like misunderstood by him now?

would I ever name a song

"fuck ****"???

Use your brains. I'm not that fucking explicit. I'm really unhappy but at least you redeemed yourself with something else. And to those people who read my book while I was away and wrote your own thing in it... I'm really pissed.

And I've not forgiven that SLUT yet. I'm still pissed.

Yes, I am laughing now am I? Haha. But I'm really not laughing. That goes the same to me outside too.

I am laughing and smiling because it is polite. And I hate people labeling me as 'emo'. Honestly... check the meaning of an emo?

I'm just upset and all over in place with my emotions... It's so f***ed up...

Your gaze is so very tender as you stare at me
Over there, on that little flimsy chair
With a gentle, happy face
She agreed, smiling

While some kind of a loud noise was building in my mind
It was as though it was collapsing
Unable to move, I just kept standing there

"Why isn't it me?" I asked.
But it's not some kind of a foolish example
You were there as I had never seen you before
As I can only, only feel from far far away
How on earth can I express this emotion?

From time to time, the sorrow in your eyes
Would show me the reason, so...

That which can be given to you ---
I can't give it; no one can
Is it only that one person who is so understanding that can?

When do you first miss her?
About that time, I realized the truth.
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretended that they were the truth
It's just, just so excessively empty
This feeling... is it known as 'love'?

"Why isn't it me?" I asked.
But it's not some kind of a foolish example
You were there as I had never seen you before
Did you feel it from far away?

When do you first miss her?
About that time, I realized the truth.
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretended that they were the truth
It's just, just so excessively empty
This feeling is certainly known as 'love', isn't it?

is this LOVE? - ayumi hamasaki

This is what Ayu said about 'is this LOVE?' during her ARENA TOUR 2006 -(miss)understood-...

(as quoted from Ayu...):
On the other hand, "is this LOVE?" illustrates how, when in front of the person she likes, she finds that, actually, she cannot be honest at all. Often, she finds that she says things which she doesn't mean, trying to act like a tough girl.

I feel like that now. Sigh.

Listened to music @ 10:14 PM