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♥ Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Suddenly it brings back so many memories...

I'm listening to this Ayu song that I just downloaded... it's a B-side to one of her singles back in 2003...

I never knew how nice it was.

When I heard it, everything about it. From the Japanese flute to the Japanese drums to Ayu's voice...

It's so nostalgic.

It's too nostalgic.

During that 6min of the song, memories suddenly started coming back as I read the translated lyrics and heard the song... and then I started tearing... for?

Was it the loss of those days?
Or the happiness of once owning them?

I don't know. I'll never know.

People always give sound advice to situations like mine. They tell me to find someone, they tell me to forget, they tell me to...

But. Sometimes I wonder if they had considered my feelings.

I don't want to forget, I don't want to find someone else.

I just want him.

Do you get it? I only want him and no one else. So don't tell me to forget everything and find someone.

Because those memories are too precious. Too precious.

I just found out something saddening.

Someone told me that he said that he doesn't like me.

That was a month ago.

When I heard that, so many questions were running through my mind.

"What about now?"
"Is this for real?"
"Why?"

...

Then I realized, why shouldn't he dislike me?

There are too many undesirable things about me that make me so hate-able.

... But from that day until now, I can't deny that we have done beautiful things together.

I can't deny that he has shown me warmth.

So, what does this mean? Inside my heart, I was wishing heartily that he has already forgotten and forgiven what I've done before... and decided to start over.

Yes, that was my wish.

But I still don't know.

Suddenly, all that happy and cheery theories that I've came up to make myself happy seem to feel so useless and empty. Suddenly, I felt so depressed.

That desire from weeks ago started coming back...

That desire for him to come up to me and tell me what and how he feels.

That desire to run away again.

Somehow, it felt a little different today.

There was this bitter pain with nostalgia attached to this moroseness.

Those memories... those fated encounters... were they all fake?

I've come to a stage where I don't even know what I want.

I only know that I want him. Very badly.

I'm getting the suspicion that he has blocked me from MSN again. When can I stop being so paranoid.

Or rather, when I can stop being so sensitive to the Truth?

Tragedy, tragedy, tragedy.

I think I'll look back 10 years later and laugh at my pathetic-ness now.

But for now, those memories are overflowing.

I remember the summer festivals I had often been to
Where we held fast each other's hand not to be separated

Everything was shining, nothing to fear
And I was pursuing nothing but the beautiful dreams

The passing wind is so soft somehow
That tears are running down my cheeks

Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day
There was something I lost while I was growing up
But see, I have my dearest person now

The passing wind was so soft somehow
I will love you at this time tomorrow

Please treasure time, not to regret later, as it's irreplaceable
Please don't forget, however much we pray later, we can never get back this time

theme of a-nation 03' - ayumi hamasaki

P.S: Physics is screwed. First obvious sign of Fail for the Prelims.
Listened to music @ 9:26 PM

♥ Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm so screwed.

I was trying to study Physics just now at the library and then at home... but I hate Physics so much that my mind just wandered to other stuff!

I kept thinking about him again! While studying! I cannot to do that if not I'll fail my Prelims...

Let's just recap some things from Physics...

SI Units of...

Length = M (meter)
Mass = g (gram)
Time = s (seconds)
Pressure = Pa (pasca)
Moments = Nm (newton meter)
Force = N (newton)
Velocity/Acceleration = m/s2
Speed = km/h
... I think that's all?

Moments of a force = fxd where F = Force and D = perpendicular distance from the pivot to the force.

Pressure = F/A where F = Force and A = area

Average Speed = total distance traveled/total time taken

Displacement = distance traveled with respect to starting point

Velocity = acceleration with direction (or something like that...)

Acceleration = can't remember. Ah shit.

What else What else???

oh yeah

Force = ma where m = mass and a = acceleration

...

I'm so screwed!

Physics tomorrow... DIE!

The Judgment Day is tomorrow.

a random song... I love the lyrics so much! Reminds me so much of him!

How long
Have we spent time together?

How far
Have we advanced together?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see your smile

I feel your love
So warm and strong
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, you, MY ALL. I love everything about you.

I love your dazzling smile. I love your warm hands. I love your gentle voice. I love your droopy eyes.

I love you.

I want to show you a dream...
I want to protect you...
I want to see your smile...

I want you.

I really love you, MY ALL.
Listened to music @ 9:04 PM

♥ Monday, April 28, 2008

Lalala I'm a sweet tooth.

I love sweet things! I love lollipop, candy, cakes, ice-cream and cum! All these sweet food make me so happy! Maybe that's why I'm so fat... =|

Anyway, this is a completely random post but um nevermind... I really love sweet food.

I love...

Strawberry Ice-cream
Cheesecake
Cookies from Subway
Lollipops
Soft & Chewy CANDY


OMG I just love all those.

You can give me a tub of ice-cream and I'll definitely finish it, but if you give me like 10 packets of french fries... Bahhh I'll at most eat one.

Because I am not that into salty food. I'm serious!

I'm a sweet tooth.

But most importantly, I love him much more than sweet food.

I love him so much, I keep thinking about him whenever I'm not studying...

And I just think about all the wonderful things that we have done together... and it makes my heart flutter!

I love him!
I love him!
I love him!

I love MY ALL.

Mark, I really love you so much.
Listened to music @ 9:47 PM

♥ Sunday, April 27, 2008

I have fit snuggly into my new perception of thinking positively and what not and... I really can't be bored... if not my mind will just wander and I'll think of stupid things, I think.

You know, I was just wondering today... what if whatever theories and happy guidelines I've made for myself were all... false?

Like I'm really afraid that I've been deluding myself all these while and... that the truth is always so obviously in front of me just that I've been lying to myself and trying to make myself happy... when things are just never happy...

I'm so afraid and so terrified of such things; I guess at the end of the day, I'll never feel safe until he reassures me himself.

"but until that Day..., I'll..."

And then I'd always think of that. Well what's the answer to that? I told myself, "Well, until that Day... I'll just think positively and be happy!'

And then I'm scared again that I'll know the truth in some other ways before that day comes.

I'm just really afraid.

Please, tell me now, reassure me now.

"I'm still here and have been searching as before for a place I can fit in. I heartily wish this feeling could reach you at least. I want nothing else."
Secret - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 9:31 PM

♥ Saturday, April 26, 2008

I don't understand why I find it so hard to keep my promises.

I promised to be passive, I promised not to be so affected by him.

Yesterday... I felt a lot of times when my heart sank because of him.

I mean that is wrong... because I'm sounding like it's his fault when he has done nothing and everything stemmed from my thinkings.

I don't want people to be bad to him, I don't want people to dislike him. Therefore, I have to refrain myself.

During Sports Day yesterday, as I mentioned, there were a few times when I got very upset. When we went back to school, I remembered I was still being very emo and unhappy. Well, Justin Yap and Chang Jun were giving out gifts to the teachers and everyone was laughing and cheering, and I was the only one who had that black face. Maybe Xing Hao too.

Then I just thought.

What for?

I don't need to feel unhappy over minute things as such, I don't need to make myself depressed for reasons that are inexistent.

I have a choice. I can choose to be happy and well perhaps pretend to be all right to a certain extent, or just be sad and repel everyone.

Yes, if being happy can attract you to speak to me, I really wouldn't mind doing that.

but until that Day..., I guess I'll just be happy for myself at the very least.

Went for lunch with Gabriel Kang, Justin Louis Onggo, Clement Pak and Ray Er after school. Before I left the school, I remembered looking at him playing soccer before I realized that it's going to be another month or so before I can see him again.

At least in real life, that is.

Anyway, eating with the afforementioned people was a fun experience, it's something very different every time when I eat with different bunch of people.

People are so amazing sometimes, aren't they?

...

My love is growing more surely and bigger with each day, I hope this month that I won't get to see him will make things better...
Listened to music @ 10:05 PM

♥ Thursday, April 24, 2008

"The most beautiful thing about Life is that you always learn something new from each day."
- Chong Jun Xiang

Not the most aboriginal saying but still, I think that is just too applicable.

I think I have learned something extremely important and enlightening today.

He tried to trip me today while I walked past his class. You know, if it was in the past I would look away and fee depressed for the rest of the day. But today was different, I sort of laughed and hit him back.

And I felt happy after that.

Because...

I think...

I have been thinking too much into things, and overreacting, and being over-sensitive. Thinking back on how I get upset over him, I found many of them were actually avoidable... and stemmed from my mind.

Why couldn't I have thought it this way?

"He was just playing."

I think I know why.

Because I wanted him to treat me as well as how I think I have been treating him. Because I was selfish and wanted him to treat me specially... because I am just so disgustingly evil and selfish...

Why couldn't I have thought it this way?

"He could be referring to someone else."

I think I know why.

Because I wanted to believe that there's only Me in his world and that besides Me, there's no one else. Yes, he has no life besides me... I only realized today how wrong and selfish that thinking is...

I never knew I was so selfish (well I'm an Aries/Arian...)...

Maybe I owe this lesson to Ayu again... it's been a long time since I've read her lyrics but I just read the lyrics to her Secret album and then I felt that every song in there was calling out to me in a way... I learned, again. If I had chosen to commit suicide on that day, I would never have learned this precious lesson today. That's why I worded that quote.

Because I've learned this lesson, I felt so much happier today. I felt so much more energetic today...

I think Justin Yap was right.

"**** doesn't give you marks."

I failed my E-Maths Test on Graphical Solutions and Maths in Practical Solution. To me, those 2 were the easiest topics on E-Maths but omg I failed the test!

Because I was thinking about him and getting upset one day before the test.

But um, it's not his fault.

You see? I could have well avoided having those thoughts if I had learned to be less selfish.

Thank you, Justin Yap, for telling me that, that woke me up too.

I'm going to think less about him and focus on the more important things. Which is Studies.

But since I'm already talking about him, let's do this.

This part from now on is going to be full of quotes from Ayu again. Exit now if you hate reading my posts that's like that... though you'll miss an understanding of me. Well, maybe it isn't very important to you, but hey, this is a blog after all. Blog = online diary. In a way, it's for me to read 10 years later and laugh and my stupidity and immaturity. So go on, laugh at me.

the Secret quotes.

"I'll show you my secret you don't yet know."
Not yet - ayumi hamasaki

Well, what's my secret? I'll show you maybe... but Not yet (well there must be a reason to why the song is called Not yet)... I don't think I have one now anyway... Maybe it's because I'm without a Secret to keep, that's why I feel kind of happy right now.

"Hey, that person thinks he knows everything about me just after we smiled and talked a little together. A big mistake."
until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki

Wow, you can't believe how this quote is screaming out to me now. It just is so true.
To put in in a cliched manner, it's something like
"If you stay around more, you'd know something more about me."
Cliched, but undeniably true.
What's your first impression of me? What do you think when you saw me? Well you can't just judge based on your eyes, because our eyes are Liars. Talk to me, listen to my screaming heart, and you'll know, only if you decided to stay... I think you've begun to do that, slowly but surely...

"There is no point in comparing yourself with someone else because everyone has one's own measure."
Startin' - ayumi hamasaki

I compare myself with other people... too often and too much. I compare myself with so many different kinds of people... I compare myself with Lucas, I compare myself with Chang Jun, I compare myself with Justin Yap, I compare myself with Xing Hao, I compare myself with Hui Xiong, I compare myself with Nicholas Tan... yes, you can guess in what aspect already, if you know me well enough, or perhaps I'm just too vague.

But at the end of the day... all the people are just too different. Perhaps it is because of the fact that I am myself that leads to my depressing comparisons...

I am just going to compare with one person next time. Myself. I am going to compare myself with my past self... and come up with my own evaluation. Yes, that IS the right way.

"To live is too keep on choosing with our own hands."
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki

Miss Tan has told my class before about making choices. I know they are right messages and what have you, but I've never realized the power of making your own choices.

You see, I was always controlled by him - my mood is controlled by what he does to me, and it happened only because I allowed myself to. I don't have to hate him to achieve a state of not getting affected, it's just something that I want. If I wish hard enough, I would get it.

After all, you are only given a wish when you have the power to make it happen. This is my wish, therefore I have the power to make it happen. =)

I have made a choice today. To not be over-sensitive, to not overreact, to not think too deeply. Nicholas Tan said he's a Humans person and thus he thinks very deep and can come up with many possibilities to a situation.

I am a Humans person too. So what? Does that give me the right to make myself depressed over my own selfish thoughts and desires? ... Yes, it's in this hand.

I made a decision. I will NEVER EVER regret my decisions.

"The season that I was with you was the most dazzling one. Everything we saw was full of brilliance. I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good like one who can hardly resign oneself."
It was - ayumi hamasaki

Wow, wow, wow. Kudos to Ayu for writing that. Because that's what I'm doing now, because that's what I've always been doing... I can't have anything more to comment! I think the quote itself speaks the loudest... please read it and analyze and understand... because that's how I feel...

"If you come across great sorrow, I wish you will share it with me. I'll be able to do anything for the smile; my precious treasure, my precious treasure."
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki

When someone I know has a problem, I always wait for that person to come and tell me of his troubles. I hate asking that person if he has any problem, because what's the point of probing if that person doesn't want to tell you (which was why he didn't tell you in the first place...) at all? Yes, I'll wait for that day when you'll tell me readily that you are sad, because I sense it...

"I wonder if I'm so stupid, just waiting for the time passage, believing that I'll be forgiven some day."
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

Well, how about thinking it as, I don't need to be forgiven, for all my crimes I think I've committed are just an expansion of my selfish thoughts?

Indeed, it is true.

"I terribly made one mistake after another, but I've lived so as not to regret my deeds."
Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki

The quote speaks for itself.

I didn't regret anything that I did with you, honestly.

"For we know our desires are never satisfied completely."
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki

I was never satisfied with anything that he has done. No matter how nice he treats me, I would lament the times when he treated me coldly.

Heh, turns out that "coldly" is merely something that I've defined with my own standards... After realizing more, I discovered that he has never treated me coldly. I discovered that things aren't as bad as it is. I discovered that it was just my thinkings.

Right now, my desires are satisfied. Right now...

"I murmured, 'The sun is too bright,' and camouflaged the tears welling up."
BLUE BIRD - ayumi hamasaki

I wonder how many times has it been that I shed tears as if I was laughing... Well, I guess my tears will be more like tears of joy from now on. Yes, it will be.

Finally, two songs that I feel that are too beautiful to be used as only quotes. I want everyone to read them and feel marveled...

Don't be sad, if you close your eyes
You see? I'm always close to you

The lonely heart always sought for the reasons
The restless mind always sought for the outlets

Carry your thought to me, even if you are far
Shout to me, even if you are near

The more you pretend to be strong, I see your weakness
The more you bare your fangs, I see your pain
Because you shed tears as if you were laughing
And laugh as if you were crying

However much our bodies may wander
Our hearts always come close together in the end

Let me hear about your past
Tell me about your future

You can be yourself, I'll accept you
You don't have to be afraid, because I know you
Who shed tears as if you were laughing
And laugh as if you were crying

The more you pretend to be strong, I see your weakness
The more you bare your fangs, I see your pain
You can be yourself, I'll accept you
You don't have to be afraid, because I know you
We shed tears as if we were laughing
And laugh as if we were crying

kiss o' kill - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, you. As long as you open yourself up to me, I'll be there. I will always be there.

I turned my eyes away from the girls I passed by
Because they looked dazzling to me
They had the free wings like an innocent child

Even if I search for a light place over the darkness
Spreading the only wing left for me
I can't reach the truth alone

How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late

Even when I get tired of flying, I don't even have courage to rest my wing
If I could have a wish come true
Take me away from here, please

* I'm still here and have been searching as before
For a place I can fit in
I heartily wish
This feeling could reach you at least
I want nothing else

How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things

* (repeat)

Secret - ayumi hamasaki

Because no matter how much I can want to be happy, I will always have doubts. That stupid desire to let you know how I feel... and many many more... I'm trying to get rid of them! Just give me more time, okay?

But until that Day... I'll still... I'll still...

Keep everything as a Secret.
Listened to music @ 10:20 PM

♥ Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Okay my phone got confiscated by DK... please don't try to contact me until the June holidays!

---

How should we put it? I guess I'm numb, in a way.

He spoke to me today and asked me about something... that moment of sheer happiness... yes I felt it but somehow it felt so... common and like I've felt a lot of times before that it doesn't sweep me off my feet anymore.

He ignored me for the rest of the day... that moment of depression... yes I felt it but I kind of expected it. In a way, perhaps I'm embracing myself already for whatever he can do on me... and as such, I become numb.

... What I've feared the most becomes the truth: Becoming numb...

Do you know what's so bad about feeling numb? It just means that the hurt is so deep and great that you have gotten used to it and you just can't feel it anymore... that's really pathetic and it's a state where I hate to be in.

And yes, the environment is always giving me signs of how I feel... it rained after band today, and surprisingly, though I feel empty and depressed, I didn't cry at all.

I felt as though the sky was weeping instead of me.

Somehow, I want to be close to you. I want to just be somewhere near you... and I don't know why...

Someone told me yesterday,

"What's the point of loving when it's going to turn to hate?"

... Do I hate him? I don't know. I think exasperated is the best word. I love him, as in I really mean it, and I'm more or less sure that this is love and not lust (simply I've never really fantasized about him... see how can that be lust?)... but sometimes he does things that confuse me... things that make me feel hurt... and obviously it's just going to be my fault.

I am not stupid person. None of my friends, or people whom I know are. That's why, we all know that having a pointless love is indeed pointless and unworthy of putting everything inside...

But. That's all theory.

It's when you really fall in love that you know that all these theories simply negate themselves when it comes to the real thing.

I know that I should stop loving him. I know that I should just forget my feelings towards him.

But...

When I see his dazzling smile, when I felt his warm hands, when I heard his gentle voice... I can't bring myself to forget anything...

In my mind, all I want is to have those for eternity...

I know I'm being very selfish, but who can really understand unless they're having an exact same relationship with me now?

It is very easy to tell me to stop, to forget, to stop contradicting myself.

Put yourself in my shoes, you think you can just do all that?

It's something right yet wrong... something stems down to my fault... something that can't be explained just like that.

I promised to be passive yesterday but...

When I heard about something about his friend and him, I got worried.
When he told me about something else, I got worried.
When Mr. Chiang was having that pissed off face at his actions, I only shook my head and wished nothing bad would happen.

... That is not being passive, I'm very well aware of that.

I'm really not making sense, am I?

I waited with him and other people after they were done with soccer... I don't know why I did that, I think it's a waste of time and very desperate and pathetic but...

I want to see him, even if it's just for one more second.

Let's paraphrase something from Xing Hao's blog...

"Don't deny my existence."

I mean, I don't think he does, since he still talks to me. But sometimes I kind of feel... nevermind, I'm going to talk gibberish again.

But well, there's always more than one way to interpret a sentence... if you know me, I'm sure you know why I chose that quote... I'm sure you did.

"I tried to smile weakly in front of other people, because smiling is polite and doesn't dampen other people's moods... I tried to turn away from you when I see you, I tried to escape to somewhere else... like how I went all the way to the cupboard during recess today, just to avoid seeing you... But... why? You suddenly just come up to me and make me feel that what I did for the past few hours was all wrong... Please tell me something..."
Listened to music @ 9:12 PM

♥ Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Today is a shitty day. Today is a very shitty day.

Let's start with 'family'.

Okay, my sister has an attitude problem and she often yells at me and often takes a knife to threaten me. Seems normal. Okay perhaps it is normal in my 'family' but today something "new" happened.

Well my mom and my sis got extreme PMS and they started shouting at each other... and then it suddenly became my fault. Yes, I got screamed at again... I just felt it's so unfair. Come on this house (note: NOT home) is totally UNsuitable for studying... it's not conducive, it's not quiet... it's not somewhere where you can feel comfortable about studying. That's why I NEVER study at home. But yes, my mom being whatever that she is, refuses to believe me.

Who is it that has her form teacher calling up to complain?
Who is it that has her tuition teacher complaining?

Me? I'm sorry but I dare to say that I am an extremely good student who pays 101% attention in class. Face it, Mr. Chia has NEVER EVER called up my parents... nor do any other teachers. If my mom were to call him now, I BET he would praise me instead of saying something bad, I AM THAT GOOD.

But my 'family' was never convinced. Just like how they were never convinced that I can perform in concerts, just like how they were never convinced that I can be a SL (well at least that is true... I'm a very lousy SL), just like how they were never convinced that I can be a musician next time (well yah, I SUCK LIKE SUPER SHIT RIGHT)..., just like how they are ALWAYS convinced that I WILL FAIL MY FUCKING O'LEVELS.

I'm just sick and tired. I'm just really exhausted. When can I be emancipated?

On top of that, it's the wonderful Maris Stella with great Marists and that perfect him.

...

Why?

How is it that I can be so transparent to you... and I just don't get it.

You talk to them, Justin Yap and Chang Jun, and I'm just the background extra... you don't EVER pay any NOTICE to me at all. What am I? Garbage? Rubbish? Nothing?

I don't exist for your convenience.

I want to do so many things for you, whatever you said that you need, I'll try my best to do it.

You need money for whatever reasons, I'll be there to loan you some.
You want lollipops or anything, I'll be there to take them for you... just to see you smile.

You said when you saw me in the toilet,

"Oh shit, Jun Xiang is peeing. I don't feel safe!"

You think it's a funny statement. My heart had a big slash at that time.

You spoke to Chang Jun outside the toilet and I became transparent.

You think it's normal and fun. My heart was gushing out blood at that time.

You pointed to me to your classmate while I was speaking to Miss Lee.

You think it's all right. My mind was filled with a million questions.

You treat me warmly one day, and then treat me like shit the next.

You think it's right and deserving. I feel used.

You be yourself...

You think it's fine. I think it's extraordinary.

...

I'm really tired of everything.

If you're reading my blog.

I didn't go to the Primary School Canteen to see you. I just went there to eat.
I didn't go to your corridor to see you. My class was switched with 3I.

I'm not stalking you. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

I'm just so exhausted now. Do you even know how much I care and how many tears I've shed because of you? I mean, I can do everything just for you but the way you treat me...

I think everything is a big irony.

I look at how nice you are to other people... I look at how nice you treat my peers... I feel so outcasted by you.

So many people tell me that you suck. So many people ask me what do I see in you.

You know what I tell them?

"I feel a need to protect him... because I feel that somehow he must be hurt by how people insult him... and all the more because he faces everything with a smile that I'm worried. The more he bares he fangs, the more I see his fear."

...

Do you even care at all?

Why do I give so much of myself to this?

... I feel as though you should be ashamed of yourself for treating me like that.

But who am I? Just a NOBODY, at least to you.

Perhaps what Nicholas Tan said was true.

"He just came up to you, ask for money, and when he has used you, he just walks away."

Please tell me that is false. ... Please.

I can't believe that you can ever make use of me. I never believed that, you know?

I never believed in anything that other people say.

They say I'm stubborn, but I don't care.

I only know that my heart tells me there is something more going on behind you, but I don't know what. I cannot believe what they say. I can't.

I am broken, destroyed and worn out.
Listened to music @ 9:45 PM

♥ Monday, April 21, 2008

Why is every day getting from bad to worse?

... The trip to school was horrible.

"Together When..." was playing and he just appeared in my mind... I thought of what we did on the 15th April... and I started crying. Not as in those dramatic crying but I felt my eyes getting warm... and tears just dropping down my face... very slowly...

Because of that, I got a flu for the rest of the day.

... I tried to avoid seeing him by getting the Band Room key from Mrs Tey to get my USB cable and to just stone there... But when I went out to buy something, I saw him.

When I went back to class, I saw him near my corridor.

The more I don't want to see him, the more I see him... is this fated?

I don't like to make my life seem as though it's controlled by fate but sometimes, it's things like this that just make me feel very weird and off-guard...

Then during lunch, Chang Jun asked me to follow him to the Primary School Canteen for lunch... I just followed out of curiosity... and omg I saw him and his friends there. And then they were like diaoing me... and keep looking at my direction... what crime have I committed? I'm now super worried that he's pissed off with me because he thinks that I am stalking him... I'm not!

The worst thing is Christopher tore his leg tissue so my classroom's gonna be switched with 3I... which is on the same level and corridor as his class! What if he thinks that I'm trying to stalk him again?

... I'm worried... I'm scared of being misunderstood...

I don't want to see him, I don't want to feel upset and hurt... I just want to be with myself for a while...

Am I still in love with him? I don't know, my mind is in a whirl...

...
Listened to music @ 9:23 PM

♥ Sunday, April 20, 2008

I am sad now.

The morose is settling in... bit by bit with each second. I... tried to delude myself with distractions and also by doing something which I hate doing when I feel upset - listening to happy songs. The worst thing was, whilst listening to these so called happy songs, I felt even more depressed because

1) Memories of him just kept coming back and I felt sadder that those were just transient moments.
2) Some of these happy songs are actually depressing, in terms of deep analysis.

... Does he hate me? This question... I've asked myself this question a lot of times today. And always, I come up with my own answer - "yes".

The truth is, I don't really know either.

I only know that, sometimes I think he really detests me.

I think, today, I've finally found what I wanted.

I want to know how he feels. I want to know what he is doing. I just want to be with him.

...

"You see? I think I know for certain the reason of your smile and the meaning of your words."
glitter - ayumi hamasaki

Yes. You are smiling because of something that has never to do with me, and I truly understand what you mean when you say certain things...

"I murmured, 'the Sun is too bright' and camouflaged the tears welling up."
BLUE BIRD- ayumi hamasaki

I know Ayu wrote that line in sheer happiness but I'm thinking it as... I know you hate emo people, and I don't want you to hate me, although you most probably already do...

"'Where are you, what are you doing around this time?' Right after I thought of such things, even for just a moment, I wanted you to remember me."
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki

"But your smile has taught me that we are now in the closest place to forever."
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

No... your smile has taught me that you're much better off without me...

"We ran through the road to the sea screaming with laughter innocently in the far away summer days."
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

Because such a thing has never happened, it was only my disillusion.

"The short summer is starting now, how many memories can I make with you?"
Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki

Yes, 15th April 2008 was that short summer... it was so transient and beautiful... It was.

I just couldn't stop thinking about whatever that we have done on the 15th April. It was just too surreal, too dream-like, too fake... it just didn't feel like reality.

Maybe he did all that just to make our final moments together something sweet and beautiful... but doesn't he know that the fact that he's totally ignoring me and seemingly detesting me is making me feel extremely terrible?

I feel that I have done so much, although I have done nothing.
I feel that my heart is now broken because I gave all of it to him.

My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you...
I can't think of anyone but you...
Because of You...

...

='(
Listened to music @ 9:20 PM

♥ Saturday, April 19, 2008

This is going to be a sad post.

But before I actually talk about the depressing things, let's just talk about the happy things, which is only one.

My juniors bought my presents! Nicholas Chew got me a Baby Piglet lmao it looks damn cute! Thanks! I heard that Ren Zhong got me some mouse and Yi Kai got me a bear! OMG man I NEVER expected all these... a big pleasant surprise! Haha, THANK YOU ARIGATOU!!!

Now, for the core of the post...

I'm confused now. I'm really confused now. I keep asking people for their opinions but I end up not believing them... I can't even think properly now. I only know that I am feeling upset now.

He basically treated me like a stranger again for the whole day today. I'm retarded. I went to cry with my back facing them while they were playing soccer. While I was crying, I was wondering...

"Why do I even shed tears for him?"

That's when I realized that this is the umpteenth time that I've shed tears because of him.

... Why do I give so much of myself to him? When he doesn't even care? See? I'm not deluding myself, I know and understand the truth, that he hates and abhors me and he doesn't care about me.

I asked Zhen Cheng today about this thing and he just said the same thing as Chang Jun and many other people... which is that Mark is playing with/using me.

Somehow, I wasn't convinced.

Because, unless he tells me personally that he's playing with me only, I'll never believe what other people say.

I'm so naive and stupid right? But I can't help the way that I feel...

Call me jealous or whatever but I hate it when people tell me how upset they are because of another person whom they care deeply.

Because I dare to bet with you that I am indeed suffering one of the worst emotional pains now. I don't care if I'm sounding selfish, I can't make myself consider about other people anymore.

Let's take Nicholas Tan for example. He often tells me of his troubles with a certain someone and how he feels that this someone is making use of him for academic purposes and all that...

But today. They just studied together at the study area for five hours! I mean hello? Isn't it good enough that he gets to spend time together with that someone? Me? I can't even get it.

I'm so sick and tired of trying to be happy to make other people happy. Yes, when I cry, I have to have my back facing other people so that they can't see it.

I'm so sick and tired of just being considerate. I want to be selfish, even if it's only for a day. I want to shout to him how much pain and sadness I am feeling right now because of the way he treats him. I want to be evil and snatch him away and make him mine.

But, reality is so cruel.

Those moments... especially those on 15th April kept replaying in my memory and it's like I can get so upset sometimes while thinking about them because it only reminds me even more strongly of the way that he's treating me now.

But. I don't think he's doing anything scheming, because he never would. Why would he do all those beautiful things to me... why? Can someone answer me?

Can someone help me go up to him and tell him how upset I am now.

Can someone just... relieve me from this pain?

Tuesday, 15th April, 2008 was but a sweet and transient illusion. All good things have to come an end, or so it seems. I'm now just forced to accept this harsh reality of him wanting us to be strangers again.

Can I adapt to this again? I've always had, no matter how difficult it had been, haven't I?

...

Please just tell me in my face that you abhor me. Stop bring my mood up and down with your little nuances that speak a billion words to me. If you really want to treat me nicely, then please always do so. If you want to be cold and cruel to me, then please always do so. Don't give me that freaking pattern that I can't take anymore...

Please just tell me that you truly hate me to the core...

"However many time the seasons may pass, our days are endless."
Listened to music @ 10:37 PM

♥ Friday, April 18, 2008

Today is a Beautiful Day! I'm in a good mood now but this post will be over soon cos I've nothing to talk about LOL. Just know that I'm on cloud nine now! HAHA!
Listened to music @ 8:38 PM

♥ Thursday, April 17, 2008

I can't take it anymore. Or rather, I can't take them anymore. Sorry, this is just a mini rant on upsetting things...

1. Sec3s (who are not from band)
Omg, I have enough of you scrutinizing me! I don't care for whatever notorious reasons you know me... can you stop staring at me like I'm some criminal (it's not like I don't feel like one already...)??!! It's just getting on my nerves... Whenever you just gather together and begin looking in my direction and then snigger like little girls, you are talking about me. Aren't you very manly or whatsoever? Then please stop gossiping and finally be a REAL man and just stfu and gtfo.

2. Him...
He treated me like a stranger today. On Tuesday, we did so many things together, it was like Heaven to me... but today? I mean, is this a joke or something? How can he treat me like this? Am I really that unimportant, unlike other people? I always thought that I would be doing the right thing by trying my best to protecting him and keeping him away from fear but... is it even right?

Is there some sort of purpose to him doing anything to me? I used to just ignore what other people say about him... I never believed that he's making use of me, because I just don't find anything in me that he can make use of. Then Chang Jun said that he's using me for ENTERTAINMENT.

I don't know. I'll still say he's not making use of me. I'll still say that I'm just overreacting. I'll just say that... it's a misunderstanding... I'll still give myself excuses...

I hate it when he does this playing thing to me. I can do everything for me... just don't play with my feelings because believe it or not I am one of the weakest persons in this world and I analyze and think about every single thing you do and come up with my own conclusions.

Every time you start to treat me like a stranger, I'd ask myself, "Then why did he XXX/YYY/ZZZ in the first place?"

Yes. Why would he treat me so nicely if he wanted to you know treat me like a stranger? It just seems like he has some ulterior motive but um, things can't be THAT complicated. I'm just overreacting and over-analyzing.

But still my heart fell down a bottomless pit today when he just saw me and did/said nothing... and he did other things with the other Sec4s, suddenly I felt that I was invisible to his eyes.

The stupidest thing was I actually left everyone and went to the toilet to secretly cry.

I'm just very exhausted... I don't know if I can still take this... I don't know anything at all now...

It seems as though Tuesday was some transient illusion to test me...

I'm too tired now.

Let's just give up.
Listened to music @ 9:54 PM

♥ Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Okay that lame post this afternoon about the concert was shit cos I wasn't concentrating.

Now, this is the real one.

I shall skip every single mundane crap about moving stuff and taking buses since all these confirmed are EVERYWHERE on everyone else's blogs.

Esplanade:
Man, Esplanade is f***ing (why do I need to censor this?)... Okay, the Esplanade is FUCKING cool all right, everything is so glam and what have you... the back stage's like a labyrinth... hard to navigate! Basically, there were FOUR freaking levels for the whole performing team to use...

B1 was for CO and eating.

L1 was tuning room and concert hall.

L2 was the Band's dressing room.

L3 was um can't remember.

Okay, wait, my memory sucks badly so my information is definitely wrong... I'm not sure if there're 4 levels, I'm not sure if the concert hall was on L1... I can't remember a lot of things.

Okay, then let's talk about things that I can actually remember.

Dressing Room:
One word: LOVE Like omg everyone had a personal table with a mirror and two drawers... and it's like those singers/actors use that kind of dressing table lor... two long rows of light bulbs on the sides of the mirror... and the Alumni's dressing room is 1000x cooler, I distinctively saw a sink in there wtf man.

Also, the toilets are like hotel standards can. Except there's no lock. And I think they're prejudiced against handicapped people or something... cos the handicapped toilet that I used to bathe had no shampoo and soap in it and I heard there's shampoo and soap in the Dressing Room's toilet... Hmm...

I shared the row with the Percussion and wtf they are like so lucky. When we're tuning, they were slacking with lights switched off... playing songs and other stuff lmao. And Jia Wei tried to scare me but I didn't scream! Like lmao who the hell was the one who screamed lah, confirm NOT me okay.

Preparation:
I remembered yawning and almost sleeping during the Spring Festival Overture rehearsal. Nope, it's not because the song sucks (though I don't really like it...), it's not because of any external reasons/excuses, but myself, because I only slept for 2 hours...

Hmm, well preparation was always a mundane thing right... I mean what else to say... nothing.

Before the show:
Everyone looked kind of nervous... but I wasn't, and I don't know. I gave good-luck embraces to Xing Hao and Shawn Teo and Justin Yap (Nicholas Chew "politely" declined...)... the light backstage made my brown hair white. I'm fretting at that time because of that...

Show-time!:
Lol, yes everyone went up on stage and the show was good to start. Couldn't see anyone (actually I don't know how anyone can see that the Circle 3 was empty or whatever... what the hell? I must be blind.)... The performance started!

Rolling Thunder:
Ugh the piece that I hate the most out of the performance (because I can't play it!), I wonder what sort of an impression it made to the AUDIENCE cos Rolling Thunder is fucking fast and it started the show with a BANG! I screwed up, a lot, though.

Rumble on the High Plains:
One of the pieces that I was anticipating since I wanted to see Lucas and Saw's movements during their dual... it wasn't funny as compared to the rehearsals, which is a good thing, but then it looked kind of mundane... well if I were one of them, I guess I would just be normal too...

Wilson's Suite:
Xing Hao looked so solemn during the solo... The stage crew took my freaking umbrella backstage so I freaking couldn't open it up during In a Gentle Rain and be emo. Hmph.

Noah's Ark:
Congratulations and Good Job to... (this is a long list...)
Nicholas Chew, Sean Teh, Justin Yap, Shawn Teo and Terrence (alumni oboist) for their solos during this song.

Especially Nic Chew man, he sounded really decent and God-like (as in distant) during the solo... if it was me... ahhahaha I would have totally screwed up and mispitched since I suckkk like shit (it is of little wonder to why I'm not playing the solo then.)!

Hymn to the Sun:
Another piece I was anticipating since this song is a MASTERPIECE IMO and there's the singing too... Turned to be very nice to me lah... Haha.

- encore -
Coral Sea:
The AUDIENCE cheered when the Sec1s took their lightsticks! I took mine out and we're all like waving to Coral Sea. I SAW SOME PEOPLE FROM THE AUDIENCE TAKING OUT THEIR HANDPHONES AND WAVING ALONG TOO! LOL!

ABBA Gold:
Yay to the Dancers lol! Everyone was like so high and I love my Trumpet Bow pose at the end!!!

Then it was slacking time and combined with CO for springs.

And then mundane crap and ate at Serangoon Macs with Jia Wei, Raymond Gan and Nic Soo, then took a cab home... and slept.

...

Now, for the thanks part.

Thanks to:

my Trumpet section ... I failed horribly as a senior and a SL but still, you guys could have been so much evil to me considering the fact that I am an extra in so many ways...

the Percussion section ... Um. It's weird why I'm thanking Percussion... perhaps it's because they have something that I don't have with my section... which is a sort of closeness I guess...

ALL MY PEERS: Yes, every single one of you! Especially to Xing Hao, Nicholas Tan, Hui Xiong (sorry that I couldn't comfort you when you were emo yesterday... he was like there!), Shawn Teo, Justin Yap, Sean Teh and um okay no more already.

To some Juniors: the Onggos, Hendrik, Clement Pak... and juniors from Trumpet and Percussion section ^^

And of course, not forgetting the old(er) People!

Thank you, Mr. Chiang for your 3 years of guidance and teachings!
Thank you, Mrs Tey for everything! Including your $50!!!
Thank you, Ms Lee for telling me how **** is a low-down Bloke. You have just made like him even more! Okay, jokes aside, thanks for being there.
Thank you, Mr Wu for supporting us all the way!!!

I would like to thank certain members of the Alumni too...

Clement and Ryan for their teachings
Zhen Cheng for encouragements
Sean Kwek for your introduction to O2 Jam...
Fredy for your um we all know.
Chien Teng for teaching me before...

Yes, it's a long list of thanks but if I don't say them... then I would regret it.

"Oh, I'll remember not to take for granted the things that I think I'll always have..."

~~~

Talking about nothing at all,
We acted in a moment and displayed our habits.
Though I don't have to remind myself not to forget,
From somewhere within me, fully...
wow oh oh oh oh no no no no
I remember YOU and ME

SO 1.2.3.4, one by one
1.2 STEP you, in this way
I want to know you well

SO 1.2.3.4, one by one
1.2. STEP you, in this way
No one can stop me now

wow wow so wow wow
oh wow wow so wow wow

1.2.3.4 YOU and ME?

"Where are you, what are you doing around this time?"
Right after I thought such things,
Even for just a moment,
I wanted you to remember me.
wow oh oh oh oh no no no no
I wished for YOU and ME

SO 1.2.3.4, for a while
1.2 STEP you, sometime soon
I am becoming greedy

1.2.3.4, for a while
1.2 STEP you, sometime soon
Will I begin to want only your smile?

wow wow so wow wow
oh wow wow so wow wow

The gap between idealism and reality
Is so very cutting
And as we cannot cut them off, they are opening up.
oh yeah yeah yeah

In this place, will we give up?
Or will we persevere and do our very best?
oh yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah

SO 1.2.3.4 YOU and ME?

SO 1.2.3.4, one by one
1.2 STEP you, in this way
I want to know you well

SO 1.2.3.4, one by one
1.2. STEP you, in this way
No one can stop me now

SO 1.2.3.4, for a while
1.2 STEP you, sometime soon
I am becoming greedy

1.2.3.4, for a while
1.2 STEP you, sometime soon
Will I begin to want only your smile?

wow wow so wow wow
oh wow wow so wow wow
wow wow so wow wow
oh wow wow so wow wow

1.2.3.4 YOU and ME?

STEP you - ayumi hamasaki

This song is for him omg.

STEP you, ****
Listened to music @ 9:58 PM

♥

This post is not happy, it is not sad either. I wanted it to be just a factual blog post but um, I guess it'll be a post filled with a lot of emotions.

15th April, 2008.

I slept at 3am and got up at 5am to get everything ready.

Then, I headed to school with people staring at me for carrying big bags.

Reached the band room...

Took the bus...

Reached the Esplanade...

Load stuff...

Prepare.

Yes, the mundane stuff.

But, the backstage of the Esplanade is most probably the coolest thing of all. The dressing room is the LOVE. Everyone has the individual tables with a Mirror omfg man. Compared to VCH, Esplanade is like the yum.

Anyway, that whole place is so damn big man that I got lost a few times (I have a horrible sense of direction.)...

... I really can't type anymore. My mind is just full of him that I forgot about everything.

Okay anyway the concert was really funny that I don't feel anything, like I'm not nervous or anything compared to the past years; it just felt very "expected" to me... what the hell... I'm complaining about the concert? I suck...

Thanks to Clement for that trumpet it's really cute and I Heart it and thanks to Raymond Gan for the OREO and the Twisties; I've eaten the Twisties but I can't bear to eat the OREO!

By the way, I used a hair coloring wax that Sean bought haha.... yes my hair turned brown! Cool!

... I think I'm getting closer to him each day. Though it's not going as fast as how it is with other people... at least we're on better terms =)

... Memories are meant to be forgotten. If they aren't, then explain why they have the function of being forgotten? I don't think this is a sad statement cos bad memories that are forgotten are good. I don't really think it's right to keep saying that you'll miss certain people and that you are being sad or whatever shit because... in approx. 6 months time, that nostalgic feeling will just disappear...

But still, because of that, all the more are those moments treasured.

I want to be with you now.

Anyway, some 'announcement' to everyone: I'm going back to band every Saturday until NBC (I'm not playing for WASBE)... in which I'll take a 5 month hiatus and come back as an alumni in December.

I don't miss anyone now because I'm still going to see them for the next 3 months =.=

...

The lollipop that you opened for me was the sweetest one that I've ever eaten.

What should I do? I feel that I'm falling deeper in love with him as each day passes... I'm screwed.

I want to see him again... I want to see him again... omg I'm really so screwed.
Listened to music @ 5:27 PM

♥ Saturday, April 12, 2008

Is today a Beautiful Day?
Is today a sad day?

I couldn't find the answer.

I couldn't find the right words to describe how I feel. I've written and deleted many posts here again and again... but I think I've got it this time. I've found the right words.

I couldn't come a judgment, therefore today is a day of mixed feelings.

Let's just talk about the happy things first.

Today marks the first and last breakfast that I had with people whom I NEVER communicated with in the past.

Mark, Lucas, Saw, Jia Wei and Dwayne lol.

Yes, we ate together.

I feel that I am a different person with different people. Like I think there are many sides to me but they only come out when I'm with different people.

With my peers, I'm like someone older yet younger than them I think. Sometimes I think I show my weakest side to them...

With seniors like Fredy, I'm like some tamed animal; not as wild as I think I am...

With juniors like Lois, I'm just a very lol person who spams shit and does retarded stuff (like humping the tuba and the bass drum =D)

With juniors like Mark, I use the word 'fuck'! Omg I don't really use that word very often but um...

With friends like Nicholas Tan/Hui Xiong, I transform into a auntie and bitch/gossip like crazy.

With myself... I am a deluding bastard who comes up with weird theories that no one understands.

You see? There are a lot of sides to me...

Anyway, they were all late as usual, to think I reached the meeting point 10min before the actual time.

In any case, we ate and talked about disgusting food. I'm just appalled that Lucas ate lizards and those kind of gross stuff before! Talk about eew.

And I discovered a common like between the two of us... omg!

After that, I realized that Jia Wei needed to buy the gong string that he was SUPPOSED to buy WEEKS AGO. And the time was like 8 45. We could have been irresponsible bastards and forgo the string and be punctual for band.

But we made another decision.

We scouted around Serangoon central to search for a tailor shop and there was one but their Chinese sucks so much (I don't meant to be an elitist but it's TRUE) that the uncle misunderstood their question and we walked one big round.

It was then that I remembered that the other time when I bought the Marimba string, I bought at a tailor shop so OBVIOUSLY strings can be bought there. So we went back there again... and I posed the question. And we got the string! Yay!

But as a result, we reached band at 9 25 and Miss Lee was soooooooooooooooooooo freaking pissed with us lah! Wrath got into her head that she accused of eating MacDonalds. Wrath is bad.

Anyway, she pumped us 50 which is like the BIGGEST number of pumps that I have EVER done in my 4 years as a Bandit.

But even so, I never regretted my breakfast today. It was the most beautiful and wonderful breakfast that I have ever had in my 16 years, with all seriousness.

Now for the bad things...

I just want to sum it up in one sentence.

"When horses go for a race, they wear a mask so that they cannot see who their opponents are. Why bother about what other people say? Just do your thing and go for it."

It sounds happy, but a sad thing happened which got me sad and I just got this line from a movie on Channel 5.

Yay.

3 more days! Esplanade is now my favorite um... never mind.
Listened to music @ 10:18 PM

♥ Friday, April 11, 2008

Today is a Beautiful Day.

Let me repeat! Today is a Beautiful Day.

... All together now! Today is a Beautiful Day!!!

Ahahaha just ask me on MSN/in real life if you want to know why... cos I don't want to blog it. Haha, I can't stop smiling like a spastic retard... I'm just so happy!

Anyway, four more days!!! We have to really work hard, which reminds me that I was so off form today during sectionals that Nicholas Chew was stunned at the shit playing of my Rumble on the High Plains. Wtf like I'm disgusted at myself too. What the is wrong with my playing today!

Anyway, we once again practised the moves for ABBA Gold and Coral Sea and oh man were they cool. The dancers were major lol and I think the concert would be FLAWLESS! And during Rumble on the High Plains, Lucas and Saw are going to have their Beng-style SHOWDOWN which is like lol. The expression on Saw's face when he is "fighting" Lucas is like so freaking funny lah. Really think that the percussion section is a very very very interesting section...

Which reminds me (again) that I'm so envious of the Percussion section! They can like study during full band when Mr. Chiang is doing something else cos they can't be seen! Like Hui Xiong has been studying for the past few weeks lor. Grr.

Well one worry for today is to fret about how to make them be punctual for band tomorrow...

I love the way he smiles.
I love the way he calls my name.
I love the way how fate works.
I love the way he shows his concern.
I love the way that he's so retarded.
I love the way he looks when he daydreams.
I love the way he plays soccer.
I love the way he just shuts himself off when he can't find the right words to explain himself.
I love the way he always shows that he has hope.
I love the way he never fails to make me feel that he's not hopeless.
I love his smile.
I love his eyes.
I love his...
I love his everything.
I love him.
Listened to music @ 10:04 PM

♥ Thursday, April 10, 2008

Well the coldness lingered on to today. Call me stupid or whatever, I don't think he's making use of me... there's like nothing useful about me that's to be used! The most heart-wrenching thing is probably pondering over why he treats me hot and cold.

Now, for other things.

Something happened at home just now and I was wondering, "Am I immune?"

immune... not only to how cold and disgusting my family is... but also to many many many other things...

Yes, I got an unreasonable shelling AGAIN just now.

Please consider the following lines.

"Is it because I've become strong that I can be without tears or...?"

What's the first impression that this quote gives you? Hope? Strength?

For me... it was despair.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic now but I really don't think that the quote is inspirational at all.

It simply means, I've become so numb to pain that I don't cry anymore.

Isn't that a sad thing?

Immunity seems so good but... it really just means that you've suffered a lot... a lot.

Oh well, what random rants.

Five more days to the concert! Here's to everyone's good health. And my health is fallingggggg... thanks to Zen! (FYI he licked my water bottle... and he has a cough! YUCK!)

Anyway, I wonder if I'm immune to his treatment towards me... but seeing at how my mood is really fluctuating... I guess not...
Listened to music @ 9:44 PM

♥ Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I was taught how transient happiness really is today.

I was sooo blissed and euphoric during school today but everything collapsed bit by bit during band...

Yet, my good mood and my moroseness were all caused by the same person. Yes, the person whose name has 45 definitions in the dictionary.

Today, during recess, he asked me if I would like to have breakfast with him and some other band juniors on Saturday morning. Naturally, I was very high and I just kept thinking how surreal the whole thing was... well it is surreal after all...

Then, he dissuaded Lucas to skip band today for Sports Day and he still stressed on how there's only 6 days left and all... he really... he really has never failed to make me feel very hopeful...

But.

Everything started collapsing during band.

I wonder if the feng shui in the canteen is good or what, but he only speaks to me in the canteen.... and nowhere else...

So, we didn't speak a single word at all during band. Like not even a single word...

It was worse after band when I watched him play soccer and we were all walking towards the bus stop together. Once again, we didn't speak a single word... trying not to be a spoilsport... I faked my usual smile and talked to other people, which only made me feel worse.

Then, at the bus stop, if I followed to where he went, he would walk away in another direction. Sometimes, I find this so weird and contradictory. He... asks me if I want breakfast but he... does such things? It gets me confused and thinking about stupid things.

I can't remember me smiling truthfully a lot of times. Most of the time, I'm just faking it to be not labeled as an "emo", or to be polite... or because he doesn't like emo people, and I want to be someone he likes...

But in times like just now, I really can't bring myself to fake a smile. I'm so tired that I can't even appear stoic. My lips can't go up, they can't stay straight, they can only droop down in despair.

... Everyone tells me that he is a very easy-going person who will just talk to anyone and be nice to everyone. But... he treats me so hot and cold that I don't even know if he hates me... What does he take me as? Who am I to him? Does he hate me? I keenly understand that no one else but him knows the answers to these questions... I'm so useless...

He treats everyone so nicely but to me... no, I refuse to believe that he's making use of me or whatever. He really is not that evil... not like other people. He is simple and pure... appearing ever so surreal in my complicated and sad life.

Happiness, love and life are transient like flowers. It is because they are all destined to fall someday that makes them even more pursued and treasured.

I really don't expect him to love me back or whatever but to treat me like everyone else... is that too much to ask for?

He is not making use of me.

On what basis should he?

He's treating me hot and cold by accident.

Why would he do that on purpose?

I have the real answers to these questions...

People who listen to happy songs when they're sad are just in self denial. They are escaping from the blatant reality displayed in front of them.

Why must we fake a smile? Why must we consider about people getting emo because we are? Why must we think about other people? Why can't we think about ourselves? Why can't we just be sad if we are?

Listening to a whole list of depressing songs... I have decided to blog The Truth.

Mark is making use of me. He only talks to me when he wants something from me, like borrowing money.

Mark treats me hot and cold on purpose. He only treats me nicely when he feels like it, but most of the time, I'm nothing to him. I have no purpose to him. I am nothing to him.

Mark hates me. Mark hates me. Mark hates me.

He just treats me like a Doll... playing with me when he feels like it...

Six more days and he'll be happier...

Six more days. Just six more days.

How many more memories can we make in this short period of time?

I just feel like resting for a long time now... I'm really very tired.

I just want him to talk to me.
I just want him to treat normally.

If I could, should we trash it out? Haha, I keenly understand that he wouldn't care...

Can someone tell him how upset I am because of him? No one would, and oh wait, he wouldn't care...

He wouldn't care. He would never care.

Because I am nothing to him. I am useless. I am a burden.
Listened to music @ 8:57 PM

♥ Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Ah...

I wonder where has that cheerful part of Me disappeared to...

I don't feel happy at this point of time and I don't know why. I just feel kind of alone and all... perhaps my ghost friend is now next to me.

Why am I still here? I just recalled that I was supposed to die on Sunday but I got saved by people who care and...

I don't think I can just consider anything as immature and stupid as suicide again so I'll just be upset today.

I didn't see him today. Well no one whom I asked did, maybe he didn't come to school. Well, since I didn't see him, I should be feeling normal but no...

I am feeling depressed.

Don't ask me why, I just thought about a lot of things and like I really don't understand a lot of things about him.

In one of my talkin' 2 myself sessions today, it went like that

"Does Mark hate me?"
"Of course he does. He blocked me from MSN and he enjoys insulting me."
"Oh really? But there are so many times when he was so nice to me too..."
"What do you think the intentions behind those actions were?"
"I really don't know..."
"See? Mark is just that insensitive bastard that everyone else says he is... stop deluding yourself!"
"But... Mark wouldn't be like that if I didn't exist. Like he doesn't have to be bad if he doesn't know me..."
"If he's really such a nice person, he wouldn't even do anything bad thing. You do so many stuff for him... he doesn't appreciate any of them!"
"It's not that he doesn't appreciate... he doesn't know..."
"Assuming that he knows... so what? He talked to you yesterday only to borrow money from you, because he knows you would have no qualms about doing anything for him..."
"I'm just glad to be of use to him..."
"You bought a water bottle for him and you needed to get others to lie to him so that he could accept it... isn't that pathetic? What about those times when you worry about him for everything and he just told you to 'Fuck off'?"
"..."
"Shut up. Mark is just misunderstood."

And to keep my alter-ego off, I just do other things.

The thing is... while talking to myself... I realized how much Mark doesn't care at all.

I mean, does he care about me? Everyone says that he's a very easy-going person... he'll just talk to almost anyone... it's something very innocent to me but still... he doesn't bother about me you know.

Like... I wonder if I am asking for too much. You know, just for him to treat me like anyone else... I just wish for that...

And I actually wonder if he knows how I feel. There are so many times when I think that I should talk to him, as in, really just pour my heart out to him but... I couldn't bring myself to.

I'm just a dastard who can't do anything, as usual.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

7 more days to his happiness.
Listened to music @ 8:48 PM

♥ Monday, April 07, 2008

I'm bored so I'll list some things about me.

1. I am gay.
2. I love Pink.
3. My favorite instruments are: Trumpet, Cello, Flute, Marimba and to a certain extent, Piano.
4. I am musically declined (to be more English... I am not musically inclined...)
5. I am always misunderstood.
6. My favorite weather feature is the RAINBOW.
7. I love Ayu!
8. I hate the humid weather in Singapore. But I love it when the wind blows.
9. My favorite season is Summer.
10. I am sooo going to pierce my ears.
11. I want to dye my hair! Just tell me what cool color I should get.
12. Even so, I am not a bad boy! I'm gay for God's sake!
13. I HATE CREEPY CRAWLIES.
14. I think butterflies and moths deserved to be respected.
15. um.

Okay that's 15 thingssssss about me. Okay end of the boring post.

Maybe not...

I've just realized that I'm feeling extra happy today because of him... sometimes I think I'm very stupid to allow my mood to be controlled by him... I mean is this right? To allow someone to control your everything, like you're a Marionette?

... I feel that I am a metronome. While he is that musician who changes the tempo of the metronome to whatever he wants.

I'm feeling very tired to catch up with his moods... he treats me nice when he feels like it... he treats me like nothing when he feels like it... what am I in the end?

Monday: Tempo - 100 BpM

What will tomorrow be? By the way, the slower the tempo, the better since I won't be so tired.

Don't treat me like a Doll...
Listened to music @ 9:52 PM

♥

8 more days to the concert... oh man I can't wait; the concert's gonna be sooooooooo super duper fun!!!

Anyway, today is a Beautiful Day and I shall elaborate...

Mark borrowed money from me! That got me so high cos at least I am still of some use to him... And I don't get some people's mindset. How can you just call us a 'couple' because we are talking? ... The world MUST be rid of such immature people... sigh.

Had band today... slacked for the last 45 minutes of sectionals to chat with people...

8 more days... omg!
Listened to music @ 8:18 PM

♥ Saturday, April 05, 2008

Life is... depressing and hopeless.

I don't know why but I feel like ending everything now... Listening to Ayu's new song... "Life"... makes me think about a lot of things... and I feel so depressed now...

Today was a bad day. Is it worse than yesterday? I don't know.

Somehow, Mr. Chiang knows about the incident yesterday... he spoke to Mark, Lucas and Raymond Gan... I don't like minor things getting blown up.

And my fear was realized today. I broke down during lunch. I lost all appetite... I couldn't bring myself to do anything anymore...

Mark asked me 5 times today why I'm so emo. He said he doesn't like emo people.

Why does he ask that? Why does he care? If he really meant it... then why did he block me from MSN and do those stupid things?

...

The end is near. 10 more days. Perhaps even less, supposing that I die a few hours later.

But still, although I feel suicidal, I must thank the people whom were always by my side.

Besides from the usual people I wish to thank (you know who you are)... I don't think I'll thank them lah. They take up a lot of space! Haha.

Rather, I want to thank my peers. I never knew you guys cared so much... I really didn't...

Shawn Teo
Albert
Joseph
Xing Hao
Justin Yap
Chang Jun
Nicholas Tan
Hui Xiong
Fabian

... I really didn't expect such a warmth...

But still, my heart is still broken and irreversible... I'm really sorry for being unable to be strong... I've never been, I've only learned to pretend to be strong for all these years... I want to give up now. I have to... it's really just tiring. I feel so dizzy now... I think it's a sign... I'm going soon...

Mark, if you read this (well the chances are so low but still....)... I want you to know that I was not upset with you. I am upset with myself for being so useless that I can only be your joke... Now that I have decided to go... I think you will surely be happier. You always show concern towards me but end up negating all of them with other things you do to me... I don't know why you're doing all these but ah... I'm too tired to think anymore.

Sometimes, I wish you would know how I feel, but knowing how much you wouldn't care...

It was so sudden
That I couldn’t take it in

And with a teasing look said “No way,”
Thinking “Someone laugh!”

Hey, what am I supposed to think?
Hey, what in the world can I do?

I thought for sure I’d just go on walking, laughing, breathing,
And carrying on with mindless conversations as always.

The city moved around again today,
As if nothing at all had ever happened.

Hey, what are you thinking?
Hey, how does it all look to you?

Yes, I’m sure you are both much stronger and softer than ever
Now that you know the meaning of things like pain and love.

Oh, I’ll remember once more that I shouldn’t take for granted
The things which I think I’ll always have.

You taught me that.

It’s miraculous.

Life - ayumi hamasaki

... Reading these lyrics, I think it's even easier for me to go now... Thank you once again for those people who have stood by me, but I really can't go on anymore... I just can't.

"Oh, I'll remember once more that I shouldn't take for granted, the things which I think I'll always have..."

Life... ah.
Listened to music @ 11:39 PM

♥ Friday, April 04, 2008

Today is one of the worst days in my life.

Today marks the third time that I felt total despair and depression due to band/band-personal affairs.

Today... is a day of moroseness.

School was actually fine... I think I am doing better in my DANGER subjects like Social Studies and Physics... I'm just scared of E-Maths now...

Wow, is that the first time in agessssss that I blogged about studies? A sad thing it's as short as two lines.

Then, there was band.

Everything started off all right and mundane... until the later part.

My Sec1 was super flat so I went to the band room to search for a tuner that can actually play notes. Before that, I kept going back to the band room to take various items, so I actually doodled on the white board.

So, that time when I was doodling, I saw Lucas drawing something on the white board.

A person, with normal proportions of face and limbs, but with a very very big stomach. Oh wait, big's an understatement, it's humongous. Needless to say, I know he was trying to suan me. So, whatever, I didn't take notice and I walked off.


When I went back to find the tuner, I saw a lot more people gathering around that "picture" of me on the white board.

I saw Lucas, Raymond Gan... and Mark.

My "stomach" was separated into many different segments... with words on each segment. I saw Jupiter, Hades, Fatty Acids, Powerpuff Girls and other stuff... I was angry. and sad. Mark even laughed and said, "Look at your puny dick! *and he points to a drawing of a dick on that human figure*"... and he started doing those disgusting things that people whom I do not regard as high-class do... touching me for the sake of insulting me...

I remember I was super unhappy and I literally stormed out of the room... I saw a stand blocking my way, and I knocked it off... talk about being refined.

I remember I became a fiend and shouted at my Sec1 about his slurs... and just before that Mark came out to ask me if I was crying. What the hell. Why does he care so much when he's always so... indifferent about me?

Anyway, he told Lucas to come out too and I got even more pissed cos they were laughing like mad (what's the big joke?)... I stormed to the toilet and I distinctively heard Mark laughing at me about my reaction...

In the toilet, while I was crying and talking to Fabian... I was thinking...

Why does this always happen?

Why is it that Mark and Lucas enjoy bringing my hopes high up and then smashing them at the very next moment? Why?

I'm really exhausted anymore. I doubt this has anything more to do with loving Mark... it's something about their pathetic states that make me feel upset. I just wish...

To add on to the wondrous unhappiness, the band was pumped 30 at the end for being bad. Another saddening thing about Mark again, shall not elaborate to be tactful.

Too many people cried today... three out of a whole band, on a day which is not even meant to be special... too many... too many...

You are just going to be indifferent... until that Day...

I'm sick and tired.
I'm feeling hopeless.
I'm feeling depressed.
Can I die now? Do I dare to die now?
Do you know who I feel? If you do... would you CARE?

By the way:
I made the blog public again because I'm sick of Zen asking me to invite him... okay just kidding... I just felt that I don't have to do this because I should let everyone know how I feel.
Listened to music @ 10:01 PM

♥ Thursday, April 03, 2008

He told me today, "Are you ashamed of yourself? Your whole section doesn't respect you."

But only because I was asking Hui Xiong if he's ashamed of himself for making his sectionals to slacktionals.

Yes, I am in the wrong.

I always will be, and what's more, he's right.

My section doesn't respect me. That's a fact I sort of knew since last year. All these while, I've been avoiding this "problem"... trying my best... which is all in vain. Well, it's just 12 more days and I'll be emancipated. I think... my section will overally improve a lot and be a lot happier too. I just know they would be.

The truth is, almost everyone (almost?!) will be happier without me. I can't believe myself what a burden I am. Sometimes I wonder what good I am...

I gossip. I bitch. I hate. I got my JUST DESERTS.

Oh, I finally got back my lyrics for Together Apart... already! I copied it into my exercise book so I can finally post it here for myself to read!

You looked at me with a reassuring smile
In that instant I felt a certain warmth
Growing surely and slowly in my heart
But I only knew later that
Your smile was for the person behind me

We crossed each other's paths on that faithful day
We walked together but we didn't know each other
There was a loud noise as if a mirror
Had just shattered but it was
Just my heart breaking under the silence

In a way, I think
I must be somewhat happy
To be next to you
But still...

(*)I wanted to embrace you
But I couldn't bring myself to
I wanted to escape to
Somewhere with you
But that was only my delusion
Our final good-bye was too sad
And I couldn't control my tears
I'm sorry for being so useless

(**)If I could be reborn as someone else
I would surely start a journey
To seek for you again...

We met and exchanged a few empty words
And then the silence took over with each day
I finally understood when you were
Laughing with them that I
Was only a mere stranger in your eyes

We walked away from each other with that scar
On our hearts on that day. The seasons passed by
And I was crying alone by myself on
The winter nights suffering
The worst pain in my broken and weak heart

In a way, I think
You must be very happy
To be far away
From me...

(***)I wanted to leave you but
I couldn't take that first big step
I wanted to return to
Those days but fate
Seems to be telling me otherwise
Our final good-bye was too sad
But I still remembered your smile
Thank you for being yourself

Repeat (**)
Repeat (*)
Repeat (***)

Everyone walks to find someone else
I must have walked on to find you
To be with you again...

- Together Apart...

Program Notes:
Mark, when I stood next to you, I felt that I was so happy and sad. You spoke to everyone... but me. Why am I so stupid and useless? I am such a burden... I am so useless... I can't do anything... I hate myself... I wish to do something for you but... I suck so much... If I could have a wish, I wish that you'd treat me with that warmth you show to everyone else...

We are together, yet apart...

Raymond Gan finds the first stanza very funny... really meh?

Ah, my life is a mess now. Nothing else.
Listened to music @ 10:34 PM

♥ Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I'm feeling vexed and perplexed now.

I think I really suck... and can do nothing good at all. Like, I don't think I've blogged about this, but my sister threatens me with the knife whenever I ask her to stop using the com and pass it to me. I think it's kind of funny cos I want to die too but I don't dare to. Weird?

Mark is making me feel funny again... sometimes I think he really hates me but sometimes I think things are not that bad... Actually I wonder how he would react if someone were to tell him my feelings and thoughts... I mean he's most probably going to laugh it off and treat it as a joke... that's how he is right.

I hate this March-April period. I feel the most stress and pressure and I feel like they can break anytime... What if I were to have a major breakdown like last year? Please don't be surprised... because it's meant to happen.

I just want to escape... to you.

The way you look when you ask me about what I'm saying...
The way you call my name and ask for a plaster (sorry I didn't have one!)...
The way you exude such an endless freedom...
The way you never fail to care about someone... when no one else believes it...
The way you speak to Justin Yap today...
The way you always bring my hopes high... then smash it the next second/day...

Despite all the wrongs that people think you have, you have the Right Heart. Because of that, you can do everything and anything... as long as you want to... as long as you believe...
Listened to music @ 10:48 PM

♥ Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Omg, I need to think less about things, I guess. I mean, argh I'm confused now... today was a very happy day because of him but then... =|

Haha, I got very happy because of him, but just now, he suddenly unblocked me from MSN, to show me his devastating personal message... which made me feel so troubled...

"i will kill you myself stop pissing me off...lets mind our business..."

if you talk to him, I'm sure you'll know who types full stops with leaving a space after that...sigh.

I think it's all for me. He specially unblocked me from MSN to show me this message! I think I'm so pathetic right now...

All those excuses about having to see him if not I'll die... they have to stop. Things always don't appear the way they do, don't they? Appearance and Reality... ah...

Am I sad? I don't know, but I know I'm tearing now...

Do you remember the first day we met even now?
You looked abashed, hanging your head
And turning your eyes away

I wonder when such a manner became so dear to me
It makes me feel a little nostalgic
Don't you feel so?

Many seasons have passed by
With quick steps since then

(*) When the white snow colors the city
Let me stay by your side
Though I may bother you
Again and again

We talked overnight about our future and the moments
I felt they were so dazzling
And precious

Tears welled up in my eyes
When I thought it would be nice
That I could forgive my past some day

(**) When the white snow melts
And the city becomes vivid and colorful
I like to keep you closest
To my heart

The days we couldn't understand each other and parted
The days of tears, the days of smiling faces
Whatever may happen and whatever mood you may be in
I'll always accept you

(*) repeat
(**) repeat

CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

The bolded parts of the song hold the most truth to me... I think, I have to stop seeing you, to be happy, so that we can both be happy.

Because I can't do anything useful for you, I can only disappear and be non-existent in your life, to do something useful...

I suck, really.

You see? I finally understand your words.
Listened to music @ 9:55 PM