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♥ Sunday, August 31, 2008

"How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

---

Time passes by very quickly, and it's already the 31st of August. Today is the last day of summer. A strange, nostalgic feeling that makes me both happy and sad is overcoming me...

Everything was like the clouds in the sky. The clouds float through the sky, without leaving and trace of their memories behind. However, just for passing through the blue sky, even if it's just for once, should be enough.

I guess one stark difference is that while the clouds dissipitate into rain, and the rain that falls onto the earth will eventually become part of the sky as clouds again...

For me, everything has dissipitated into nothingness. And nothing cannot become something again. It's just like how when paper becomes ash, but ash cannot become paper. Something irreversible.

Summer will come again next year, but will you? Sometimes the memories are so precious that I don't wish to ever pass by the time.

Maybe I was lucky in the past, when I could have lost that person, that moment, that time, that memory... but still found it back.

Now, the saddening echoes in my heart remind me keenly, that I've lost it forever.

I've lost everything forever. I've lost everything between the two of us forever.

This may sound sad, but I don't know why, I don't feel as sad as how I thought I would be... or should be.

What does this mean?

Does this mean that everything doesn't mean anything to me? But I know it's not true...

I suppose, as I mentioned before, just being able to ride the blue sky, even if it's just for once, is enough.

It's really enough. Of course, I'm not saying that a longer time is bad, but oh well... if it has ended, then I shouldn't force it to continue.

The memories are enough for me to reminisce for the rest of my life.

No matter how sad it feels like to me now, I know I will be able to laugh at the times that I had with you some day.

Every story has an ending. But every ending is a new beginning. You will always be in my heart, and our moments will always be in my memories. But since you've moved on, then I shouldn't stay here and thus mislead others into thinking that you are at fault. I will move on too.

Like I always say...

I will start a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...

Somewhere in Japan, as the last day of the a-nation concerts comes to an end in a few hours' time, the fireworks will be set, and they will fill the sky.

Fireworks, beautiful and transient, just like you.

I remember the band camp.

I remember the embarrassing times when I would cry in front of you, and while you say, "Don't be emo".

I remember the times when I was by your side in the band room, and while you were playing the songs, I was watching your concentrating and serious profile.

I remember the moments when we would laugh at the stupid things, like the print on t-shirt. "X marks the spot."

I remember (oh my God...) playing soccer for the first time, and how you scolded me... and then apologized immediately.

I remember the two times when you unwrapped lollipops for me.

I remember that day when we were in the band room together, as I was with you, while you were reading FHM and eating.

I remember so many more things that I couldn't type everything out. I'm scared that I'll start shedding tears.

I remember this summer. I will always remember it.

Your dazzling smile, your gentle voice, your warm hands.

I remember how the sky looked like, and how the wind was blowing.

This year, the happiest thing was to be able to stay by your side.

---

"
How long
Have we spent time together ?

How far
Have we advanced together ?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see the smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

I want to show you a dream

I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might"

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

My exact thoughts and feelings now.

Listened to music @ 8:30 PM


"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up
Without looking back
Nor running away
Some day you will understand
That I have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki

---

My heart is bleeding. I made a decision a while ago. I made a tough decision. It felt as though everything was meaningless.

Did I make the right decision? I hope that I can understand it myself some day...

And suddenly, I feel like dying. I feel like ending everything. I feel like killing myself.

It was such a long since I've felt such a way... because I always thought myself as someone strong, and that if anything were to happen, I can take it in my stride, and continue walking.

But some day, I will get tired of walking too.

Some day, even if I were to persuade myself that it's all right to just end communications and whatever with you, there will be that time when I would miss you greatly, and asking myself why are things in their current state.

Somewhere, under this big sky... you are there too, being yourself.

Your happiness is more important than my happiness. I'd rather be suffering alone here than to be at where you are, appear in your sight, and make you unhappy.

Because if you are happy, I would be happy too. If you're unhappy, at least I wouldn't be at where you are to add on it.

And I think it's something heartbreaking.

Something like, hey, we have been through a lot, done so many things together, created a beautiful memory that is too dazzling that it pierces my eyes whenever I reminisce... why?

Something like, if you do hate me from the moment you know about it, then why were the past few months so happy?

Unless... it was just me being happy, while you were forcing myself.

But you didn't have to do all that.

Or rather, I can tell right, from your words and actions, how you felt at those times.

I could tell, from those times, that you were happy too, and that you didn't dislike me being by your side or anything...

It's like, the past was really very beautiful. Like, you couldn't be lying about them, or you couldn't be feeling forced to act out everything.

Even so, why?

I could say that I could be very happy right now, because I have the memories, but I know I'm lying.

I don't even know how you feel. I don't even know what your thoughts are. Please, even if you were to shout, please let me know your thoughts and feeling.

Please tell me how you felt during those times when I was by your side.

Please tell me how you felt at those moments. Please tell me how you felt at those various events and happenings.

Please tell me...

And then, while at some part of me, thinking and wishing that I could stay by your side again, another part of me thinks and wishes that you could tell me how you feel.

I feel so confused now... and again, the tears are falling. Just when I though I wouldn't be able to shed tears anymore, I just did. Why?

Supposing that two people were meant to walk in two separate paths, away from each other, then please tell me, why would they even cross each other's paths in the first place.

It's because everything didn't make sense, and that this contradicts with that, that I feel so upset.

Even if it's the truth, that you hate me, please tell it to me, instead of me guessing it to myself, or having to hear it from other people.

I don't know...

I don't understand what the point of meeting you was. I don't understand what the point of knowing you was. I don't understand what the point of missing you was. I don't understand what the point of loving you was.

If it started with something that I said, then it must have ended with something that I said, right?

And to continue walking is such a boring and detestable thing, that I wonder, why do I need to? Why couldn't I always stay at this place, and reminisce our days in the past?

Why did I bother to pretend to "walk forward", when I never was.

Because I only wanted to be your side, and be your friend. Because it happened before, I know that it isn't a big sin.

But now...

Time is cruel, and the present is created by this cruelty.

When can I look for a release? But I don't want to look for one. I want to always have you in my thoughts, until the day that I fall into an eternal sleep...

We have always gone through with everything we had, right? When I was standing by your side... and hanging on to you, because I had nothing else to hang on to in this world... what were you thinking? What were you feeling?

Something echoes in my heart... as if telling me that you didn't care. But I really don't want to think that way. Or... I don't know. I'm in a state of confusion.

Sometimes, when I put quotes up on the beginning and end of the posts, I wonder if people took them in their most direct meaning.

Because they shouldn't.

Or rather, whatever quotes I put up, I may not have done anything in it, or not all of it, but the feeling that the quote gives me is what I am feeling, which is why I use it. So maybe I wasn't crying, though the quote would have put it.

---

"We walked hand in hand
We laughed and cried over the trivial things"
untitled ~for her~ - ayumi hamasaki

...

"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at that time
But that time is not now

I remember I've always drawn down
The curtain in an awkward way

Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have maybe gone on a long trip
With the most important person

If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight

As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say good-bye

And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you

Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being human is joyful
Is it all right if I think so?

And I walk on
And you walk on, too
With light shining
On our two separated paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 12:00 AM

♥ Saturday, August 30, 2008

"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we come to want too much?
Though it should just be enough that we were close"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

---

History doesn't lie, and because of that, we know that the past was all true and real. That's the feeling that I have now.

For how long more do I need to carry this painful feeling in my heart? Recently, I have found that I couldn't cry anymore... something like your tears have totally dried up or something.

Maybe it's because I couldn't be sad anymore, maybe it's because something is gone. I don't know.

I can't cry anymore. Somehow, it feels like the sky is crying for me. It's raining almost every day... and my heart sinks every time it rains. I still remember that time on the Higher Chinese paper when he walked past and suddenly the rain stopped...

Whatever it is, though I couldn't cry anymore... my heart is bleeding. Whenever I sense something that reminds me of the past... I get sad. It's like my memories with him are like some vault, where there's a lot of stuff inside... and sometimes the slightest thing can remind me of the memories... it feels nostalgic and sad.

Everything that happened was so beautiful that it's sad. Yeah, sad because it's beautiful. I feel like I can cry while reminiscing my days with him, but I can't cry. The sky does that for me instead.

Oh well.

I read my chat log with him yesterday night and... it brought back so much memories...

I want to touch him, but I can't. I want to appear in sight of him, but I shouldn't. I know all that but I can't stop the longing and morose in my heart...

Allow me to reminisce everything while I continue to pretend in front of everyone else.

Tell me your feelings... you can even shout. But only if you would want to in the first place...

---

"I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven someday"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:33 PM

♥ Friday, August 29, 2008

"How am I looked
In your eyes from where you are?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki

---

Yesterday was my Higher Chinese paper and as usual, it was easy. I don't know why, but all the papers so far are like so easy... and I have a bad feeling about this. It's not me doing badly in the end... but something else.

September holidays... I'll be studying. Mostly for E-Maths and Physics.

Summer is ending in two days' time...

Besides smiling, no matter how false it is, I can't do anything else. I can't think of putting another mask to deceive people, because being happy is the best lie. Whether you're truly happy or not, happiness is still the best lie. It makes people believe that you are okay with everything and they won't label you an 'emo' (which is so irritating by the way)...

Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're sad or not. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you have anyone to pour your sorrows to or not.

Because, sometimes, when you do too much of that, you make other people feel bored and irritated of you. I am sad and shocked to know that some people whom I talk to about certain things actually dislike it. I mean, maybe they were being tactful when they didn't tell me... but since I know about it, then I should respect their feelings and not mention about that certain thing to them anymore.

Even if the whole world doesn't want to listen to me, I can always have myself as a confidant. Even if no one remembers, or rather, because they don't know, I can always reminisce to myself. In this way, I won't forget, and everything will still be okay at the end of the day.

I used to interpret Ayu's songs in a very simple and superficial manner...

For example, one of her songs, part of Me, was something that I discovered a new side/meaning of today.

If you read the lyrics... oh wait, no one who reads my blog reads Ayu's amazing lyrics. Okay, never mind. The title of the song can obviously tell you what the gist of the song is.

part of Me, is basically about how two people are connected in such a close manner that even though their "bodies are far apart", their "hearts are just next to each other".

I used to think of it as like that.

Rather, I think there's three different types of thinking for part of Me.

1. The song is positive and happy, and about the strong love and connection between two people.

2. The song is sad and depressing. You know how he feels, but does he know how you feel?...

3. The song is full of morose. You think you know he feels, but do you really? At the end of the day, you wish that he could tell how he feels... and that is your greatest wish...

I used to always think it as 1. Last week, it changed to 2. Today, it's 3.

I finally understand what part of Me is about. I think I know how you feel, but I don't. Even if we aren't supposed to be friends, even if you hate me now, I wish to know how you feel... from the start to the end.

If you honestly hate me, I would know what to do. I'm not that sort of people whom you see on TV dramas where the lover ends up killing the person they so called "loved a lot"... or end up destroying their lovers' lives through their REAL beloved and what have you.

I'm not that sort of person, so even if you were to tell me the truth, which is that you hate me, at least you would have reassured my thoughts for the past month.

I think... with so many things going on, and so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm changing, in a way.

I have begun to finally see what Ayu was trying to say in her Secret album.

This what she said:

"
But it's not a secret in the sense that "I'm about to disclose something you didn't know!" Instead, it could be about "me" in my daily life, or it could be about you… Everyone keeps secrets; there is not one person on this planet who does not have at least one secret, nor is there a person who can tell others everything about him or herself. Even when you try to understand others (or to have a mutual understanding with others), there is always a "you" that only you know about. I have aspects that only certain people know about and aspects that everyone knows about. That's what I call a secret. And in this sense, there are secrets incorporated into this album."

Even so, I want to know you. But hey, dreams will always be dreams. I know my clear way between a dream and reality.

I tried to make you know how I feel so much, that I forgot about knowing how you feel.

Your embarrassment, the disgrace that you felt, the unhappiness and wrath that you felt towards me... I finally understood.

Maybe it made me sadder, maybe it opened my thoughts up.

"While the music video for the song leads non-Japanese speakers to believe the song is about Hamasaki's estranged relationship with her now deceased father, the lyrics of the song seem to tell of a girl who believes the last miracle of her life was loving her ex-lover. Now she stands out in the cold, in the snow, waiting for the day when they'll be together again. She holds on tightly to the thought of him coming back, as if it had never been proven hopeless because was her very first miracle was being able to meet him in the first place."

And that's how I feel now.

Faith, hope... even if people were to tell me that I'm being stupid, I don't mind. I just want to wait, until that day...

Perhaps we have created and shared a strong bond in the past, but that was in the past. The present is that you hate me, and that bond now strays in my memories. But I'll still wait, because I love you.

If it's what you want, then I won't try to be near you anymore.

Even though there were and will still be nights when I feel estranged and lost... missing the sort of feeling that I had when I was with you, or wonder why things are like that... everything will be okay. Or at least, that was how you made me feel.

The momentum of my faith will never waver.

---

"I sometimes wonder

If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born

Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling

I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect

Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts

Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry any more
I won't leave you alone

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling

I'll protect you forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you

I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:37 PM

♥ Wednesday, August 27, 2008

"Maybe I have heard enough of people saying
That they knew the value of something
Only after losing it"
Real me - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today was SS and I felt that the paper was so easy! I mean... I actually did the paper without fretting too much, and with great ease... Hmm, the papers so far have been relatively easy! Here's that same wish to the rest of the papers!

Anyway, it started to rain a little during the paper... and after that the rain got heavier and heavier. I'm happy that the sky knows of my sadness.

Well, today is another new complain! I wonder if you have ever went to the 28 bus stop to wait for the bus when the primary school is released too. Well, besides the annoying and vulgar little brats screaming their lungs out at the bus stop, there lies a greater problem: the freaking cars by their parents.

Usually, the primary school kids' parents park their bloody cars on the road next to the bus stop... all over the place. It looks disgustingly messy in the first place... and it creates serious traffic congestion. I have seen 158 stop at the bus stop for a full 15 minutes waiting for the selfish parents to move their lazy asses away from the bus stop road that's MEANT and BUILT for buses to move.

I think they're so selfish, and it's getting on my nerves. It makes the bus unable to move, and the cars block the road. Yeah, yeah we know you're freaking rich, getting your son phones and all that at 7 years old, and hearing the scream 'FUCK YOU!!!' and 'CHEE-BAI!!!" at the bus stop is SO DAMN FUN too!

Anyway, though it causes a lot of inconvenience, I generally just don't bother.

But today... ha, no way man.

As I said, it was raining, like torrents of rain. I was so pissed that I got drenched and the freaking shelters have freaking HOLES on them so rainwater was practically dripping everywhere too.

Then, when 28 came... despite my initial joy, I realized what was going on. 28 stopped at like right in the middle of the road, just next to the green fence thingy. Wow, so now we have to WALK there in THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY TORRENTIAL RAIN and get freaking drenched just because those freaking rich parents park their freaking cars at the road. Wow, man. Pure wow-ness. I was so pissed... and had to get drenched in their rain just to board a bus to go home. The worst thing was, there were so many people trying to board the bus, there was this crowd forming outside the bus and then while waiting to get up... more drenching. This seriously sucks. And those parents are so stuck up and lazy and fucked up, they couldn't be bothered to drive away so that the bus can stop at the BUS STOP (note: NOT rich parents' car stop) and allow oh-so-poor people like me to board the bus with minimal drenching. Screwed up rich people. No wonder why Marists who are from the primary school are mostly so immature, arrogant, retarded and irritating. Now, I know why.

Anyway, reached Toa Payoh interchange and ate Burger King with Xing Hao, Prime, Jack, Zhan Hao and Chong You. Ha.

Then, I purposely sat under the air-con so that the cold air was blowing right at me. I want to get ill, so that I can complain about this screwed up arrangement of the road.

I wanted to complain to SBS but hey, it's not SBS's fault. It's... the rich parents.

Argh, thinking about this gets my blood boiling.

Tomorrow is Higher Chinese. I believe I can do this pretty well, right? Haha.

I've been too busy thinking of the sad feelings that I forgot the true happiness that lies behind... the secrets.

---

"
I remember I went to sleep late that night feeling uneasy
And had a very sad dream
The phone started to ring in the morning, breaking the silence
And the premonition became a reality
Leaving an unfading scar on my heart
You became a star by yourself

Good-bye, you have gone to the place where we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of the eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I had certainly been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

The sorrow I had thought to be endless came to an end
The season has changed, I feel bitterly cold
I will never forget that first day of summer
The sky kept on weeping instead of me this year
I feel as if I were living in the continuation of the dream
And I can't even cry now

Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of the parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we had spent together
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Why did you do it this way
Leaving memories only to the very end?

Good-bye, you have gone to the place where we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of the eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I had certainly been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Please tell me this is only the story of the continuing dream
And that I'm not yet awake"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki

If I were to feel sad now... sigh, I have nothing to say.

Listened to music @ 8:23 PM

♥ Tuesday, August 26, 2008

"If your mind is about to be controlled
By the things reflected in your eyes
Listen to the voice in your heart"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki

---

Today is another day.

Today was the start of Prelim 2.

Today was English paper.

I felt like I owned the paper! Honestly... I think it's really easy. The free writing, I wrote 'Shopping', so I just copied whatever I wrote for Prelim 1 (cos the topic then was 'Fashion') into this essay, and changed names and changed scenarios, etc.

The situational writing... I feel a little iffy on this one. I think I did okay, but maybe I wrote too short... I don't know... but I hope did all right.

Comprehension and summary. Ha, this was like really unexpected. The passage was so similar to last year's SA2 passage that I got stunned... it's about malaria and quinine again. So, I mean I think the questions were relatively easy... except for the vocabulary where it was kind of difficult. Everything else was easy.

Tomorrow is Social Studies. I'm really scared! I haven't studied enough of SS yet... omg seeing most of the sec4s offline makes me wonder what the hell am I doing here.

Okay, exams aside, something exciting happened today! At the bus stop, 28 came... and all of us were like wondering why it looked so different. The bus was white... different-looking. Upon boarding, we realized that Great Eastern was celebrating its 100th Anniversary so... FREE RIDE! As in, literally! No need to pay money at all! They blocked out the ez-link card reader and the coin box thing. Really a free ride. Oh my God, so exciting can... it's my first time taking a legal free ride on a SBS bus!

Then, when I alighted... it started to rain. I walked through the rain, laughing. Maybe I was a little insane but, it doesn't really matter, since no one was there.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT love David Villa and/or Saw in a romantic way! I don't know if I did anything controversial to arouse such a thinking, but I really don't love them! I was only really in love with just one person... And oh, thanks "leunamme"... whoever you are.

---

"If you are afraid of changes
Watch me from a distance
Whether or not I may do something
I'm talked about behind my back
Let it be"
alterna - ayumi hamasaki

~~~

"Do you believe in fate?
A momentary encounter
That is enough to change everything
Before and after that moment?"

I believe in fate. And it's because of fate that I could meet you, and know you... and love you. Come to think about it, this is not some love at first sight thing where it's lust in disguise. I have known you for almost three years, only to realize that feeling nine months ago... Infatuation? Lust? I don't know how do people come up with that conclusion when it really isn't any of those superficial feelings... it's really not...

"We notice it the moment our eyes meet
We are certain of it and can feel it the moment we touch
But we always go weak in the knees
At such a moment"

It was always like, 'I have a lot of things to say to you', but in the end... I couldn't say anything. On those days when I was next to you, maybe words weren't necessary. When we casually displayed our habits, we only laughed, because I only need your smile.

"The wind strokes my cheeks gently, making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

An illusion? Is it an illusion? It felt real at that time, but sometimes I'm forced to believe that it's all false. But when I felt the wind blowing...

"I've been thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I've been thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is
You see? No one else but you"

And once again, you don't know how I feel, and I don't know how you feel. If we did, what would happen? I remember the days when I was next to a person who showed me warmth and treated me with tenderness, and...

"Where does this road lead do
And how long and far is it?
Even if I were to imagine
I couldn't find an answer"

Some questions are not meant to be answered; some things are not meant to be explained. But why do I feel such a need to know? Whatever it is, the only answer I can be sure of is, this road... won't have you anymore...

"I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"

The more I pretend to be all right and smile, the more I find myself shedding tears at night... and wishing for dawn to come soon, so that I can pretend once again. What else can I do?

I don't want to make you upset or feel bad, so I couldn't cry. I don't want you to know that I need you, so I couldn't cry.

"I shouted your name in tears
If this were a dream, I wish I wouldn't wake up
Ah, the person before my eyes was
You see? No one but you"

Allow me to stay in that summer for eternity... I really want to be by your side again. Either you decide to talk to me again, or I'll go back in time and make those days last. Either way, it's impossible.

"
The wind strokes my cheeks gently, making me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

And you stroked my hair, making me feel cared for...

"If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I love you"

If only I had deserved your kindness, if only I had been smarter and less selfish. If only...

"I gave up, thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"

Now, even if we were to see each other, and could stand next to each other, we behave like strangers. Why does it so hurt so much? Maybe it's because I know it wasn't like that, and probably shouldn't be like that. Do you feel the same way too? How are you feeling? What are you thinking?

...

"We started to walk calmly and determinedly
With the same scar in our hearts
With our backs to each other
Without looking back"

We are doing that perfectly now, right? Why do we need to pretend not to know each other?

"I used to believe that
I have found one unchanging thing
But I felt that it was changing
And so I took a step back
And another step back
So as not to be hurt"

And so, I can only run away, and pray that I won't see you, so that I wouldn't get hurt by the obvious impending ignores from you... Will it work that way? Are you feeling the same way?

"I wanted to say 'Thank you'
I couldn't say 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

Maybe I shall be born to myself again some day
And start a journey to seek for you"

I'm very grateful to everything that has happened. The memories, the feelings, the warmth, the tenderness, everything... no one else could have given me those things, and so I cherish them forever.

"One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
The gentle wind just like you
Blew by me"

Ever since that day, everything has changed. I couldn't see things in that same color anymore, and everything is a monochrome. If I could find the colors back, if I could find you back...

"I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel that it is my biggest lie
And the truth

Maybe I shall be born to myself again some day
And start a journey to seek for you"

The closest I ever got to saying was 'Daisuki da yo'. Isn't it better this way? That I don't behave so overtly mushy? But still, not matter how much "better" it appears to be, it doesn't make any difference in the end...

"
I wanted to say 'Thank you'
I couldn't say 'Thank you'
Because it's like 'Good-bye forever'
And too sad

I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel that it is my biggest lie
And the truth

Even if I'm born again to someone else
I'll start a journey to seek for you"

Waiting for you has become a part of my life. Waiting for you to appear again, and smile at me and speak your casual words like how you used to...

Why did you leave? Why don't you want me anymore? Why did you want to stay in the first place? Why did you care?

... I'll start a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...

If we could be the friends that we were back then, maybe... just maybe...

fated, but not destined.

fated...

Together When...

Listened to music @ 8:30 PM

♥ Monday, August 25, 2008

"One thing I've realized is
This road will continue as before

Whatever wind may be blowing at us
Under the sky of whatever color
I hope you will smile"
Replace - ayumi hamasaki

---

All along, I couldn't find something to whine about the implement of coupons or cash-card system in the school canteen. Today, I have finally found something to complain about.

Firstly, our school is high-tech enough to get a lot of vending machines that...

1) Spoil frequently
2) Enjoy giving out carbonated water
3) Enjoy eating your money
4) Enjoy jamming stuff; giving "missing" straws
5) Use coins. OR cash-card.

So, that means if you don't have a cash-card, you need to use coins. Sounds simple? No.

The retarded coupon system ever since February disallows us to use cash to make payments at the school canteen stalls. We can only use cash-cards (because we are oh so high-tech) or buy their coupons.

Some trivia about the coupons and the coupon vendors.

1) The coupons are inconvenient. I fear losing them.
2) The vendors refuse to change money with you.
3) You need to queue twice, i.e. for the coupon, AND for the food.
4) Hordes of people cut their queue in the coupon, which is obviously irritating.

Now, you may ask, why not get a cash-card?

Hello?! I'm not a car driver. Why do I need a cash-card? If I get one, it's only used for my school. Sorry, but the hawker centers around my house are too "low-tech" to use cash-cards. So, I use cash for 99.9% of my purchases.

Today, I happen to have no coins at all, so I have to buy coupons worth $2.50 TWICE because

1) As I've mentioned, the coupon vendors refuse to change money with you so you can't get coins.
2) I want to buy $1.50 coupons but the canteen food is SO overpriced that $1.50 is... insufficient.

I have nothing left to say about this stupid system. If we're that high-tech, then explain why I barely used i-Mac labs/Com labs in my 4 years. Or explain why the Com labs are still equipped with shitty coms that are fat and slow. If we are that apple crazy then just slash the com labs out.

Sigh.

Prelims start tomorrow... feeling the pressure, definitely. I have confidence in my English and language competency skills, but oh well... I always screw up my Comprehension and summary.

Anyway...

I thought that things have died down when no one looked at me, or talked about me during recess. I heaved a sigh of relief. I felt happy.

But when, they saw me... sigh. Why can't things just die down... I don't think I've done anything to stimulate the situation in any way... So, why?...

Keep on walking forward, right?

So many thoughts running through... so much I want to say, but I can't find the words to, I really can't. Our Secrets. I'm thinking that now. Please tell me you remember too.
---

"We have our weak sides
We are not always smiling
Don't forget
That we don't exist for your convenience"
my name's WOMEN - ayumi hamasaki

~~~



Listened to music @ 8:30 PM

♥ Sunday, August 24, 2008

"If the unsetting sun became more like you
Turn your un-freedom to freedom and overcome common sense
Feels like you wanna believe in yourself; you have gotten lost on paths
But hiding in your chest is... a secret paradise"
PARADISE - CAVE

---

If there will ever be a day when no one in the worlds wants to believe you, I will always be here. I believe in you, and it's my duty to make you really happy.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, the best thing I can do is to stay away from you. Have I done it correctly? I think I have. At least, that's what I think.

Oh well, no time to think of unhappy and negative things as such. I want to think of you laughing and being happy, because that makes me happy too.

Anyway, Jack wants me to a questionnaire! So I'll do it. I'm supposed to state 20 things about myself!

1. I love MY ALL.

2. MY ALL is also known as horsegrams. Have fun guessing!

3. I love Pink.

4. I hate orange, red, yellow, gray and brown.

5. I love AYU aka ayumi hamasaki aka the Goddess of Music.

6. I also like Koda Kumi, Ai Otsuka, Leah Dizon, Yuna Ito.

7. I also enjoy listening to random songs from Animes. So far, I have got songs from Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh and Gundam. They have nice anime songs?

8. I like Pokemon! As in the games and anime.

9. I hate to be accussed.

10. I hate it when people try to force their ideas on me.

11. I hate boybands.

12. I hate people who say that they hate gays and hate backstabbers when they enjoy gossiping and spreading rumors like true blue girls and backstabbers.

13. I hate old people who behave as if the world revolves around them just because they're old. Get a life man.

14. I hate rap, metallica... eew.

15. I hate humid weather.

16. I love desserts.

17. I love Marks & Spencer's! My future home will be revolved around it, I swear.

18. I don't get wavered by the words of other people, I mean the non-constructive comments.

19. I don't mind getting bitched about, but I don't like it when the gossip involves someone else other than me.

20. My biggest dream is to be able to stay by MY ALL's side and protect him with everything that I have, even if he doesn't love me the way I do. Just being friends will suffice!

And that's all.

...

I want to be by your side. I want to be there to see your dazzling smile. I want to be that person who makes you happy. Have I done it before? I don't know. Nothing is resolved in the end... I feel so empty and upset...

"
Far far away, like every other night,
This feeling of "wanting to meet you, yet being unable to" lingers somewhere in my mind
Am I thinking amiss?
Starry sky, do you also think so?

Whenever I find a jellyfish or shooting star,
your name floats into my mind
No matter how imperfect you are
I like you so much

I wonder if you can call this love?
Whenever I try to forget you, I end up loving you even more
Is my wish to be together,
really unattainable?

Whenever I can't find a jellyfish or shooting star
It's as though I'd forget your words
If there was just one thing that I could strongly believe in
then could I simply stay in love with you?

Whenever I find that jellyfish or shooting star,
your name floats into my mind
It doesn’t matter how imperfect you are
I can’t help but love you"
Kurage, Nagareboshi (Jellyfish, Shooting Star) - Ai Otsuka

I feel like that now. Seriously.

「どんなイヤナとこも知ってるのに
あなたの事こんなに好きだよ」


Listened to music @ 8:32 PM

♥ Saturday, August 23, 2008

"The season that I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good
Like one who can hardly resign himself"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

...

I'm one who can hardly resign myself? I don't know.

These days, it feels like everything was empty but I'm trying to make them appear full. Perhaps it did help to a certain extent - I laughed a few times here and here...

But in the end, when I'm alone at night and thinking over certain things, I am still left with this empty shell.

All emotions, happiness, pain, sadness.. I don't know how I perceive them now.

I wonder what is the point of thinking of so much to write when all I want is so direct and simple.

I want you to know; I want you to understand. Know my pain and sadness, understand my reasons.

But you won't. I thought in the past that it was because I didn't try, but I did; I sent an e-mail. No reply... nothing... nothing...

Why? I ask myself what is it that I did that make you detest me so much? Is it because your friends make stupid comments when they see me? I don't know why it appears as though I want all these... I really don't; I want peace and quiet too.

It pains me to know that you rather blame me... than to... forget it. I don't wish to create excuses.

What else do I need to do...

"How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki

False things... spending every day smiling and laughing for the sake of them. For the sake of appearing strong, for the sake of shutting people's mouths up, whether it's their consoles, or their insults.

I only had the truest things when I was with you. The smiles, the laughs, the tears, the joy... everything that I felt when I was with you were the truest to me. Without you being by my side, or knowing that although you are somewhere far away, you're always next to me... I'm empty. Always empty.

When can I have back those true emotions? Or do I need to always depend on my memories? How am I seen in your eyes? Who am I to you?...

Questions left forever unanswered; pain left forever unhealed; tears left forever running; happiness left forever in my memories...

Maybe if someday you would surprise me by suddenly saying hi, or your usual greeting, I could have found back the real emotions.

But for now, I can only pretend. I want to pretend.

If you perceive me as being happy, then I have succeeded.

Anyway, a song pops up in my mind now. The lyrics look very happy... but I don't know why, I felt sad when I listened to it.

I felt depressed.

Like, our little synchronized movements sometimes... and the many many many things... like as though we were born as one before this life. Is this what the song was trying to convey?

I can only shed tears until that day...

...

"I sometimes wonder
If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born

Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling

I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect

Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts

Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry anymore
I won't leave you alone

Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling

I'll protect your forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you

I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki

......

"Because we desire the same happiness, we keep the same wound in our hearts..."

I need to make myself happy. So a picture for ME to be happy.




David Villa. He holds a special place in my memories because of something that happened. Always, always, it's something to do with you.

Listened to music @ 2:10 AM

♥ Thursday, August 21, 2008

"I pretended to be ready for the negative feelings
That would come after makeshift pleasures
I end up escaping from reality"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki

---

And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.

If I were to start wondering now, I know it wouldn't have happened.

(To be continued later on...)

Prelims starts next Tuesday! Feeling the stress...

Anyway, I wrote this sentence on the Maths test paper which I failed: "MATHS R GIRLS".

Well honestly, they're equally incomprehensible. At least to most boys.

But I've gotten my set of practice questions, and I'll work on it super hard, especially when I know I can ask Miss Png for help. ;)

What else... today was a day of many lasts. Last Chem practical, last Maths lesson, last PE lesson.

What? Last PE lesson? You don't know how euphoric I am over this.

Well, my days in this school are getting numbered. It feels happy and sad.

My only fears now are Maths, Physics and Social Studies. The rest are basically nail-able, since I know where I should work on already. I really want to get like lesser than 20 for my L1R5 this Prelims...

Oh well.

---

"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up without looking back or running away
Someday you will understand
That I just have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki

...

"Raising my head up, smiling a little
Looking up at the sky just for a while
Walking after being tired of running
In that way
"Am I ready?"

If I feel I need you
And you need me too
It seems we need no special reason
Don't you feel a daily life like this is not so bad?"
independent - ayumi hamasaki

And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.

If I were to start wondering now, then surely...

Suddenly, at those places, I felt empty again.

Maybe it was the gentle wind, maybe it was the people around me, maybe it was that feeling of nostalgia.

I can only look forward, and walk, right?

Because if I were to mop around... it's something that isn't me. It's not me to be standing around and asking myself why would such a thing happen. Since it's the truth, then I must accept it.

Though I would always wonder and seek for an answer, the answer would never be known, because I couldn't ask you.

I keep telling other people about how long it has been, over these few months, and everything that I have felt.

It's something like you always knew it was there, and you enjoyed while it was there, but you didn't know it would go away so soon... Like you wish it could have stayed a little longer, and the more you wish, the harder you try, the more you screw things up, the more it becomes shorter.

Perhaps that was what really happened.

We haven't seen each other for the past two days. I think it's something happy, because you wouldn't get to see me. If I couldn't see you now, maybe there's always the past to look at.

So I always go to the places that we have been together, and remember the words you said, the things you did, and the sky that day...

It cheers me up, somehow. So that I never lose hope that one day, things will be better.

~~~

"If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to that sea
The pain with the tears shed yesterday are changing
Into tenderness

If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to see you
Yes, I long to be with you
Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow"
July 1st - ayumi hamasaki

Summer ends on the 31st August. And I imagined that on that day, nothing would have changed. I will still be reminiscing as I am now, you will still be as who you are.

So, because it would be the same, I take that every day is the last day of summer, and I look back, at this summer.

And it unfolds naturally, like a story. A summer story. Perhaps it was a dream, and I was seeing illusions. Perhaps I was sleeping far too long.

I think July was a beautiful month. That's like the crux of summer, isn't it? And July 1st seems to be telling that beautiful story. Like how I always look forward to tomorrow, because I could see you again. Like how I stood next to you, and felt marveled by the many iotas and nuances. Like how happy it felt, when I could see you and be by your side. Like how exciting it was, to be able to be near you.

July...

And independent reminds me of June, where I didn't see you much, but when I did, I felt fun too. Like how I remembered what you did on that day in June... and the moths before that, and I felt so happy and uplifting... and I know I would be ready for such feelings. Such feelings of sheer happiness.

But as a season, summer ends too, and too quickly. Next summer, what would I feel? Would you still be in my mind? Would I have found someone else? I don't know, and because of that, I don't want to think about it.

Sometime from the end of the July to the present, I know things were ending. From the moment I felt guilty about always staying by your side... and how wrong everything appeared to be. I knew I had to distant myself from you. And you helped too, by expressing how much you didn't want to see me. It made things easier, no matter how painful it initially felt.

And now, I walk and reminisce. I would always remember the time we had, and everything. Our little secrets.

Like fireworks, this summer was transient. Like fireworks, you came and went, all too soon. Like fireworks, everything about you is so dazzling and stunning. Like fireworks, the end is near, or already here. Like fireworks, I feel sad when thinking about it. Like fireworks, I remember this summer.

Just like what Ayu said, she wanted to have a song to describe the bittersweet feeling of the ending of summer, so she wrote and sang HANABI (fireworks). That's the end too.

Bittersweet. How else could I describe my feelings?

June, July, August. independent, July 1st, HANABI. Summer. You. Memories...

...

"I'm looking up at the blurred sky
So that the tears will not fall

Why can't humans live
As they wish?

I need neither a weak heart preventing me from crying
Nor a strength without tears

I try to find a shooting star
Upon which to cast my wish

But I cannot find one
As day is dawning so fast

There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you

Every time I feel sadness
I habitually say, "I'm all right"

Something had ceased
To be on that day

And I can't even find a star
However long I pray

I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory

There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you


I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:59 PM

♥ Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"In this world, we have to slow down because we don't know everything
This way, we can continue down a cleared path"
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

---

I realized that my previous post was emo! I don't want to be seen in such a way, or to be reminded from other people about things that I don't want to hear.

I will just say that I am contented to have had certain things, and certain secrets.

Well, nothing much has been going on these days, just that I failed my maths test and I'm so worried for maths... omg.

Okay, so since I'm so boring and have nothing interesting to talk. I will post more pictures.

The first set are photos from Ayu's ASIA TOUR 2008 ~10th ANNIVERSARY~, and the second set are scans from Leah Dizon's latest album, Communication!!!, which was released... today!

Enjoy!








~~~











~~~

Yeah.

Okay, until the next time when I have found an inspiration to talk about.

See you!

---

"Is it because I've become strong
That I can be without tears
Or...?"
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:55 PM

♥ Monday, August 18, 2008

"I've never actually understood
And I've been pretending to understand everything"
Fly high - ayumi hamasaki

---

Disclaimer: My oral exam and Jia Wei's birthday is NOT today, but TOMORROW, Tuesday! The blur me mixed the days up and I thought 19th August was today... ha...

Okay, now that that's done, let's talk!

Okay, so today was quite an okay day... I mean every day appears to be an "okay day" here, right? Maybe they really aren't, but I can't say the truth, can I?

Anyway, Mondays are really boring, maybe except for Lit lessons. Besides... I have one free period after recess, and then it's RME, which is still free period. So basically, I only have "real" lessons before recess.

Okay, so anyway, I was at home, on the sofa, watching the National Day Rally. Or was it the speech? Hmm... Anyway, it was kind of funny, like you don't expect PM Lee to be able to crack jokes, but he can, much better than a certain equally aged teacher in this school.

Ah, Prelims is 7 days away, and O' Levels are drawing near too. My heart is beating quicker, and it makes me feel happy and sad. You know, I'm quite excited for the exams, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the thrill of the completion of it, maybe it's... there's no other reason!

Time is running out, yet I seem to be wasting my time on something. Is it a waste of time? Everyone says it is, but I still don't think so.

...

Sigh. Today, I was still ill, and it got a little more serious. And the pain on my back kind of got intensified, so I couldn't walk after morning assembly.

And I realized that the pain worsens when I sit on stools/backless chairs, so Physics practical was... absolute hell. Then it was English, in which it was still painful, so I couldn't concentrate on anything.

Then, it was Lit. I don't know why but I just started reminiscing then. Reminiscing on the days that I spent together with him, and what he did, and how I felt, and how blessed I was at that time.

And the more I thought of that, the better I felt. Then at the end of the two periods, I felt much better. Maybe it's the sun, maybe it's because I really need him.

Then, during recess, it happened again. The usual, irritating, daily mockings by people whom I honestly DON'T EVEN know. What's their problem? I can't tell for sure, but I just felt them as immature beings.

Maybe this is karma, because I gossip a lot too, but I don't mind of the karma is directed to just me alone, but I really hate it when it starts affecting other people too, it makes me feel guilty and upset and I...

After school, I saw him again. This was the what, 2nd time seeing him today?

Anyway, we boarded the same bus, and we were standing between one small, petite sec1. He looked at his front, I looked at my front, which was his back. And then the bus just kept moving... until he alighted.

Maybe if it was some time in the far away summer, we could have said something. Maybe we could have laughed, like how we used to. But, perhaps it's something I did, perhaps it's something they said, things changed, like how they always do, and I...

I started thinking again, over the past few days. Fated? Foolishness? I don't even know what's going on. For the first time ever, out of the seven people whom I have fallen in love with, this one, I am the most confused about.

I couldn't reach a definite answer, but I didn't want to continue guessing, because it brought hope, and pain... So I pretended that I have found an answer, and lived in such a way.

The truth? The truth is him. I have always thought of it like that. Whatever he says, whatever he does, they are all the truth... and I take them as the truth. If he's nice to me, then the truth is that he doesn't mind being friends with me. I suppose such a truth has happened before...

If he ignores me, and pretends not to know me, then the truth is that he hates me and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. That is what's going on, and that is the truth now. No one knows for sure if the truth will change, but it will, because it has, but there's not much time left and... everything... could they be too late?

Obviously, you need a reason to hate someone and I'm not stupid, so I know the reason(s). It's boring and repetitive to say them out again, so I won't. I understand the reason(s), and I respect his decision.

But I don't have the courage to embrace my seemingly noble thinking. I'm too timid to really think that way, so I pretended to think that way.

I'm too afraid to forget and be alone again, so I pretended to be fine and continue walking, while the old scar in my heart continues hurting each night when I'm alone...

I'm too selfish to let go, so I pretended that I did.

Maybe all that I really want now is for people to stop talking.

But still, even though the present remains as cruel as it is, the past was beautiful.

Our history was briilliant, and it's the only thing that I look forward to each day.

I wake up to a new day, not looking forward to the future, but embracing the fond memories of the past, and living on them. That must be how I should be living.

I keep saying, "He was really nice to me." Honestly, I have never really stated examples, right? But this is not some Lit/Geog exam; I don't have to state examples.

I don't care if you (as in the reader) think that I'm exaggerating and lying, I only know that I'm not.

Why do I need to state what he has done? I mean, I just grin, laugh, and smile when I think back of the days, and it's so embarrassing to write them down... So, I just keep them in my heart, and my memories would always play back those moments for me to reminiscence. In this world, only the two of us know what happened at those times.

Honestly, it could be just me, as in it's just me alone remembering, because to be realistic, I doubt he remembers; I doubt he even cares. Of course, it takes a great deal of emotion to actually do those things in my opinion, so perhaps he didn't forget. But it's not like he has told straight in the face that he still remembers, so...

I could only stay, and protect these memories alone. I don't care if people think I'm stupid and naive, because I have thought of myself as such too, but it doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters anymore.

Even if he would to pretend not to know me today, tomorrow, and forever, that is the truth. But I can't deny that the past was another truth too.

Because of that, I can accept the current truth, because I had the past truth.

No matter what happens, my days with him are never-fading.

I can only say that I'm prouder than anyone else that the days I spent with him weren't lies.

So, I walk on. I will still continue to smile, because I don't want to face the reality if I were to cry. Of course he wouldn't care if I'm smiling, crying or showing a poker face; more less if I died, but still, just in case, I don't want him to feel sorry for me.

If there is to be a day when he would forgive me, it shouldn't be because he wants to sympathize me, it should be because he really wants to.

Smiling, being happy. I'm a master at faking such positive emotions. I always will be, until that day...

---

"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated- ayumi hamasaki



Listened to music @ 9:32 PM

♥ Sunday, August 17, 2008

I honestly wonder how do people still manage to blog when they're ill... I'm seriously ill now, and horribly drained of energy...

But before I go on ranting about that, how was my previous post on provocative, sexy Japanese girls? If you like it, please tag at the tagboard so that I would know what to do next time!

Okay anyway, I am currently suffering and down with a sore throat, flu and cough. These three combined only means one thing - hell.

For one, they block my ears. So currently, my left ear feels blocked, like there's this invisible force blocking it... urgh terrible. My nose is leaking mucus too, and my throat is feeling dry and painful.

Actually, I'm okay with being ill, I mean it doesn't mean anything to me, but guess what's going on tomorrow?

I'm taking my O' Levels English Oral Examination tomorrow, 19th August, 2008. Talk about coincidence. It's like the illness didn't come earlier or later, it HAD to come this weekend. Argh!

But I mean since I'm destined to fall ill now, then all the more I must score 35 and above over 40 for my Oral tomorrow. I'm one to go against adversities. So, wish me luck? I'm really scared that the phlegm will disrupt my Reading Aloud... or I will need to start blowing my nose during the examination... I'm worried and apprehensive. I hate being ill at the wrong time.

I hate bad things happening at the wrong time. It's always like that... =.="

Okay, let's hope that my illness will be gone tomorrow, if not I'll have to grit my teeth and come for school... so I will most likely see a doctor on Tuesday and not attend school...

Right now, I'm drinking HONEY and sucking on Strepsils.

...

Oh yeah, tomorrow is Jia Wei's birthday. Happy Birthday, Jia Wei!

Life is good. Without the irritating illness currently, of course.


Listened to music @ 9:27 PM

♥ Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I made this post for men. If you're a girl and get offended and seeing HOT & SEXY photos of women (whoo-hoo!), please exit now until you find out that there's a new post!

All right, gentlemen. A sneak preview of the pictures in today's post.



Okay, maybe these aren't too hot for you, because you have seen better ones on the net, but spare a thought for the guys who are still pure.

I will post the pictures based on my personal rating of sexiness, so bear with the first few, because they are not sexy.



Okay this is alan, a Tibetan-turned-Japanese singer on the cover for her latest single, Kaze no Tegami (Letter of the Wind). Personally, I think alan is super cute but I don't think she's the type of girl that men drool over. But still, cute girls are beautiful too!



Okay, this one here is called Yuna Ito and she looks like Miss Png in this photo but you can disagree with me. Anyway, I think she's really pretty but too bad she doesn't have any HOT & SEXY photos... so make do with this?

http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/Tiiko416/611px-otsuka_love_jam.jpg

Yay now we're at Ai Otsuka, who is in the middle of the list! Okay Ai-chin squeezes 'cute' at every photo of her and she may not be curvy and sexy but she's really cute! A lot of Japanese guys really like her and so should you!

More pictures of Ai Otsuka:
http://www.jmignited.com/rapictures/otsuka02.jpg


http://i4.tinypic.com/2804fag.jpg

~


http://www.wtnrradio.com/kumi.jpghttp://www.wtnrradio.com/images/kumi.gif

Koda Kumi is notoriously known as a slut to many haters, but beyond the slutty get-up, she sings really well. But I know no one really cares about this because most if not all readers of the blog don't listen to the fantastic J-Pop music.

So yeah, I'm sure she's HOT & SEXY so enjoy more of Koda Kumi!



http://amaiwana.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/f.jpg

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/9805/blackcherrycdjx5.jpg

http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/2477/ku3bp7.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/b/b3/kodainkingdom.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/c/cb/kodainbest3.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/8/87/kodainblackcherry.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/e/e3/KodaKumisecondsession.jpg


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http://wiki.theppn.org/images/e/e9/Leah_VanillaProm.jpg

Leah Dizon was from the USA before she moved to Japan to start singing. Initially I just thought she was really hot and had decent songs but I discovered recently that she did porn in the USA so goggle her name if you want to see them? I know you can. =D

Anyway, she has a lot of super raunchy photos and I think this is the climax of the photo section... so maybe it's going to disappoint you again, because you have seen much more but oh well, I know I have bad taste.

More photos of Leah Dizon:

http://wiki.theppn.org/images/7/7c/Softlycd.jpg



http://wiki.theppn.org/images/4/48/Leah_Petite_Amie.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/7/75/Leah_CommuProm.jpg




Okay I wish could post more photos of Leah Dizon but I really don't dare... lol, I mean the rest of the photos I have of her are about the same kind as the last one so... I mean if you want to view then please go this website and you can even download the photos in the website! Good luck and have fun with Leah Dizon.

~

http://wiki.theppn.org/images/3/37/Mirrorle_World_%28CD%2BDVD_Depend_on_you_limited_ver.%29.jpg

Finally, I have reached the end of the list.

Introducing the Queen, ayumi hamasaki.

Ayu is perfect in every way and I don't care if you think she's ugly or uglier than Leah Dizon. She will always be the best and the sexiest my eyes!

Go Ayu!!!


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/f/f0/Acompletecddvdlarger.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/6/63/ABalladsPromo.jpg


http://wiki.theppn.org/images/8/8b/Ayu2005_2.jpg






And I'm done.

Somehow, I don't think people would like all the photos that I've posted, but if they don't, at least I do. =)

---

"I stopped somehow
I felt like I heard your voice
Though I knew you couldn't be there
I continued searching for you"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

...

Today, I saw you and you saw me. You raised your eyebrows/eyes at me when you saw me. Honestly I don't know what that means but I think it really doesn't matter anymore.

In the past, I would think of what you are trying to tell me, and come up with different speculations. But now, I just sigh and say, 'oh well'.

Because I know everything now. There is nothing left to guess, I suppose. The truth stays as stark as it always has been, and the only thing I could do at that time was to keep on walking forward.

Anyway, the IPPT exercise was on today, and it happened during Chinese.

I remember going back to class VERY slowly and then when I was at the classroom... the Express Chinese people have not returned from the com lab so it's like the HCL people and Mr. Chia waited outside at the corridor... oh gosh, imagine if it was a REAL chemical attack!

Anyway, they returned eventually and then we "proceeded" with the exercise. No one was really doing anything in particular, but in the end most of us just went to help. Of course, I sat there and do nothing. Haha, I mean people weren't really helping; they were using masking tape to wrap people up and all that....

Then after that time-wasting exercise, the supposedly double Chem became a single period... I rather have double Chem?

Then blah blah blah. Oh after recess was double English and then I really felt sleeping and I remembered dozing off a few times... but anyway I think Miss Tan realized that the class was like a sea of zombies so she showed us this powerpoint presentation of toilets around the world.

So, it's a bunch of photos of toilets from around the world. Florence, Florida, New York, Germany, Vatican City, Paris, China, etc.

And then there was this "special" toilet that Miss Tan said she forgot to censor or something. So it's called "Sink for Her".

And it's a tap that's shaped like a penis with the two knobs looking testicles. Haha. So cool right. Creativity in other countries.

Okay then endured double HCL and went home.

Ah Prelim 2 and O' Levels are drawing near each day... I'm scared too?

---

"I felt like I found a profile like yours
Far across the road
But I didn't stop anymore
I looked forward and kept walking"
It was - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 9:37 PM

♥ Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"One day
When I happened to be puzzled a little
By a new and unfamiliar view
Which I must have chosen
A gentle wind just like you
Blew by me"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

...

La la la...

Today was very cold, and very windy. But I mean the morning was super humid but besides that, today was really cold and windy. Why is there wind today? Why does it feel so nostalgic? I don't know...

Anyway, GEP was cancelled cos James Peh was on MC so yeah can go home early.

And Mr. Chia come to school today in his army uniform which was just LOL. Seriously, it's ownage.

Um, the express Chinese O' Levels results were released today and only two people in my class got an A. Congratulations to Jonathan and Christopher! The rest must work hard and don't give up! I need to work hard on my HCL too. Haha.

Uh, English was four periods, but it was pretty interesting. Will be quoting some stuff from it today, but I won't credit anything so er, yah.

And then, today is just boring and mundane. Like every day.

---

One thing I've come to realize is that whatever may happen, we must keep going on.

I wish that you could understand too, and ignore everything that they say. But if you can't or don't want to, I can't do anything either.

I know that I really don't care about they say but... I know you still do. Maybe it's because they're your friends, maybe it's because you need a reason to hate me... Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anymore, at least to me.

Whatever decision you make, I'll support you, even if it means that you will still and always hate me...

When they start shouting, "Marks & Spencer's!", I walked past them, thinking to myself, "such immature acts are expected"... what were you thinking at that time? Ha, it doesn't really matter, right?

I still feel that tinge of sorrow when you walk past me and ignore me... but hey I guess you do that to almost every other senior too. I'm just normal, maybe hated, like the rest, while some seniors are perhaps more respected to you... haha. Normal... even if I felt that we did so many things together, oh well. Life's such.

I said I would be happy, but it's really hard. I mean, at least I'm still happy when I'm with other people. But... the past scar never heals, but I can't escape the future I can't refuse...

After all, there are the memories. Even if they're all a sham, at least you bothered to act/lie to me. I mean you really could have just not bothered, but you did. That makes me a little happy.

If they're not a sham, then at least I know that the days we spent together were not lies. And I'm proud of that.

We can only keep going forward, right?

I still love you. A lot.

I still remember how you... never mind I don't want people to know. It's like our little secret, right? Even if you don't remember, or choose to forget... haha...

Well, I know I can move forward. I wonder what sort of a movement is this, where I'm moving forward physically, though I still love you...

Maybe I'm not moving forward at all, but it's the best I can do.

In my sad times, I will think of you and our memories, and embrace them.

In my happy times, I will think of you and our memories, and laugh with them.

Life will always be good like that. I will always smile like that.

---

"The gestures you casually show me
In our idle conversations
Even if I don't intend to remember
Some part within me...
whoa-whoa oh no no no no
Remember them well, you and me"
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki


"Hey yo"... what beautiful memories...


Listened to music @ 8:35 PM

♥ Sunday, August 10, 2008

"That day was long ago
Beautiful
And I'll always cherish it"
teens - ayumi hamasaki

---

Here's a recap of the weekend.

Saturday, National Day.

So, I woke up at 12 45pm omg it was really quite late for myself, because I know I'm like an early bird.

So anyway, I basically wasted my whole day watching TV! It's like I didn't even study at all... I feel so guilty now... well, I would really have to make all of these wasted time up in Hui Xiong's house for the next few weeks! ^^

Then, I watched the National Day Parade.

Well, I'm not exactly a patriot but watching the NDP did make me feel a little elated to be a Singaporean.

Even though every year is the same thing, with music interludes and a little 'drama' and then the Airplane shows and then the fireworks... it's still nice to see the little effects here and there.

The stage is a floating platform on Marina Bay, so it's like supposed to symbolize Singapore being surrounded by water. Quite cool if you ask me.

Anyway, let's just skip everything else because I felt them to be so mundane.

The most interesting part to me was the fireworks.

I really like watching fireworks.

They are beautiful as an work of art, and even more beautiful as literature symbolism.

The many colors coloring the black night sky, and the transience of their beauty, reminds me of summer, and summer reminds me of...

So anyway I just felt really happy and bittersweet watching the fireworks and... yeah, I ended up smiling, so I suppose it's a good thing.

Okay, so in the afternoon, I went to a saloon studio to cut my hair and I got suaned by the hairdresser!

She asked me, "Why your hair cut until so funny one ah? Got uneven sides lor."

To which I replied, "It was cut by the school barber."

Then she said, "Oh no wonder lah. But at least it's free lah hor."

And then I said, "No I have to pay $5."

Then she gave that omgwtf look and exclaimed, "Huh still must pay $5 ah? Then I rather you come to my saloon and cut, at least we can cut nicer lor." And she laughed.

Haha. Well she's right, though. The school barber sucks with a capital S and I bet they have no barber licscence so they're just some NS barber who only know how to shave heads... oh gosh why were they employed?

And the fact that we have to pay $5 as well... I really study in an illogical school.

Okay, so that concludes Saturday.

---

Sunday: Alumni celebration dinner at Sakura in Shaw Plaza.

Started the day normally before going to Marks & Spencer's in the afternoon.

I originally had $32 to spend but I ended up only having $17. Why? Read on.

Before I left the house, my sister, for don't know what stupid reason, ran up to me and pulled my right earpiece.

Then, I realized that because of what she did, no sound could come out of the right earpiece, and I thought it was spoilt.

So I got pissed and started shouting and when I told my father... somehow it became my fault. Never mind, it's expected and just screwed up. So I left with a ear phone that has a multfunctioned side... or so I thought...

So, I was walking at Toa Payoh and I saw this booth selling handphone accesorries, including earphones so I decided to take a look.

Then I saw this quite good one selling for $15 so I though it's okay to buy less Marks & Spencer's stuff for a earphone so I bought it.

But when I started using, something was wrong.

There was still no sound from the right side.

After checking around, I realized the reason for the malfunctioning was because the earjack of the phone has come loose. Because that stupid bitch pulled it.

Omg, I was so pissed at that time, like just felt like killing someone...

I wasted $15... omg!

And because of the fked up thing, I couldn't buy Marks & Spencer's blueberry oat cookies... argh. Bitch.

My phone's forever spoilt now... and I only bought it 5 months ago... =|.

Oh well, life's like that for me.

Anyway, I was suppposed to meet Zhen Cheng at Toa Payoh but since Marks & Spencer's was in Plaza Singapura, which was at Dhoby Gaut, I decided to meet Fredy instead at Boon Keng MRT station.

So I did, and off we went with Chien Teng, Hendrik, Sean and Saw.

So reached there blah blah blah and we started eating!

So anyway we just talked a lot and joked hell lot while eating.

And I played the Question & Answer game with Chien Teng and a few other people but oh well, it really didn't feel as fun as how I have heard of it... maybe it's because of me.

Anyway, later on, Xing Hao asked me if I know what Zhong Ji Mi Ma is. I said yes, and I decided that we should play.

And there's a forfeit to the game, so guess what it was?

We took the paper hotboat with some soup inside, mixed it with...

Wasabi w/ Soy sauce
Ice cream
Some other weird sauces.

Yeah, the penalty is to drink one spoon of that conconotion.

Then, we decided to 'evolve' the game to an elimination one, where the loser will be out of the game, until there's a winner.

So, in the end, it was down to Chang Jun and I and omg they raised the stakes! That one spoon of mixture was now tripled, and all the more I don't want to lose... But I did! Omg and I drank that little bowl of eew-ish conconotion! Argh!

Guzzled liquid down afterwards to get rid of that overriding wasabi taste...

And somehow, my stomach started hurting very badly afterwards.

So bad that I lied on Nicholas Wu's shoulder but I mean I don't understand why he kept pushing me away...

Anyway, it was so bad that I went to the toilet to vomit. Like I have not vommitted for a few years so... yah...

After that, I felt kind of better.

Then, the game evolved even more, where the penalty is no longer eating, but doing guai lan things to strangers, like wearing several watches and asking someone for the time. Nic Chew did just that, and that woman was like giving a super weird and funny face!

Then we went home, and I took 145 with a lot of people, in which we ended up in Toa Payoh bus interchange.

People left to their respective homes, and I walked to a bus stop with Saw and Raymond Gan.

I mean why is it always with Saw. The other time the Honors Band concert also the same lor. Ha... oh well.

So, went home and here I am.

And that concludes Sunday. Tomorrow is a school holiday so yay!

---

Anyway...

What do you call this feeling when...

You know that certain things are bound to happen, yet you can't stop them. You really wish to, but you just can't.

Maybe it's because things have reached such a stage where there's no point in explaning, so you just leave things alone... afraid to avaggarate anything...

Still, you wished that you could be left alone, and people would stop speculating about your life, and that person.

You wished that people will stop disturbing and teasing the two of you, so that at least even though you couldn't be together, there wouldn't be anything to increase the hatred.

You feel guilty, you feel like a burden, you feel like it's your fault, and you don't know what to do...

You tried to think of solutions, you tried to do something, you tried to talk so that you can make things clear, but nothing has changed, and perhaps the hatred has deepened...

You start to wonder if you have done the right thing, you start to wonder if it's your fault again.

You silently hope that the hatred was a lie, and that everything would be fine when you see that person again.

But because the reality wasn't what you wanted it to be, you ran away and shed tears alone.

It was like...

You want to touch him but you can't, you want to appear in sight of him but you shouldn't, you know all that, really... but still you couldn't stop yourself from crying.

You really want certain things, but you know you can never.

So you keep walking, with your head held high, and laughing and smiling at the little happy things that happened.

Even if you are sad, you won't be for long.

Because you remember the past memories, and can smile again.

Even if you feel sad that it was over, it won't be for long.

Because you remember the past memories, and realized they were not lies.

So you smiled that it happened.

---

Maybe, since the time before I was born,
I've been seeking something unchanging
I found it, lost it and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt someone

If you could have just one wish realized
If you could have just one wish realized
What would you pray?
What would you pray to this sky?

While I strongly wanted something,
I began to give up for some reason or other
I found it, let go of it, and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt myself

If there is something I can offer to you
If there is something I can offer to you
It's my firm, constant affection for you

If you show me just a little smile
It's not worthless that I'm still here, is it?

If you need me just a little
I can still be living here, can't I ?

If you could have just one wish realized
If you could have just one wish realized
What would you pray?

If there is something I can offer to you
If there is something I can offer to you
It's my firm, constant affection for you
Yes, it's my firm, constant affection for you
Here

NEVER EVER - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 11:21 PM