binaryface @bs.com

♥ Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Ok, I'm gonna rant.

Firstly, what is it with my family? I mean, it's totally screwed up like everything. My brother is the worst shit to ever exist on the surface on this earth, ever. HE SUCKS!!! Asking obvious questions and telling me to do stuff that have no concern to me whatsoever, like what the hell? And like, I mean yeah he "banned" me from all sorts of sound coming from my computer, like whatever, fine I use earphones, but did he just have to come up all the time and irritate me? I mean he's like what, 19? And showing such immaturity, oh God.

Life sucks as well. All these things going through, I mean it really is horrible and not fun at all. My mind is confused. Oh well, what to do. Obstacles are just for us to step on to get up.

Band hasn't been going well for me either. I am a shit player who really can't play. I disgust the ears of those who heard me. I wasted my seniors' time, I wasted Mr Chiang's time. I don't even know what I'm doing in band. I'm stagnant if not deproving. I practice and I try hard, but the results just aren't coming at all and it's killing me. I'm starting to feel that all this enthusiasm I had are all just a facade, I feel fake and like a hypocrite. This sucks so bad.

Studies are like neutral for now. I have confidence for my humans but my maths and science are just... forget it. I got a 12.5/40 for my E-Maths Common Test. It's bloody E-Maths, and my maximum marks cap for A-Maths is 3. 3/40, not 3/5. Don't get it twisted. I suck in maths.

And that precious JEWEL... oh well whatever.

All I know is I'm breaking inside and it really is a wrong thing to let people see my vulnerability.

Listened to music @ 9:36 PM

♥ Wednesday, February 21, 2007

While watching America's Next Top Model (ANTM) Cycle 4 on youtube, it just dawned on me so much on life.

Take Naima, the winner for example. Throughout the competition she mentioned that she hated her life and she appeared to have a shell around her, like fading off, cos she was afraid of returning back to her old life, where she was a rebel and all that. Towards the end, she opened so much more and she realised, what's the past IS the past, leave it and move on.

Kahlen (oh my favourite girl), reminded me so much of myself. She wasn't confident in any of the challenges, be it dancing, acting or runway. It's like she didn't believe much about herself. She became stronger towards the end, and clinched a 2nd place.

Many people sterotype ANTM as a show where it's just real dumb, nothing is as exciting as WWE, I suppose. I beg to differ. ANTM taught me alot about life and the girls in there are just awe-inspiring. The obstacles they got through, it was just a big WOW.

Seriously, ANTM is a more educational show than WWE. Throwing chairs and almost killing people doesn't register anything good to me.

People should stop sterotyping already. Start by trying to know that thing you don't like first before laying a judgement, ladies!

Do YOU know ME well enough to lay a judgement?

If not I think you should bloody well shut up and actually try to know me more or something.

Oh well. Whatever.

Oh by the way, to those spammers at the tagboard. I think I'd let you guys have fun. After all, my TRUE friends would know who is the real me tagging over there. Being able to entertain you is my greatest honor.

Listened to music @ 8:22 PM

♥ Monday, February 19, 2007

I've decided.

Though I may love you like how I always do, I do realise that you won't be there anymore. So, I'd need to get up myself after every fall.

Drawing inspiration from my name's WOMEN by Ayumi Hamasaki, I realised why I'm being an idiot. Now, I don't see how being all I-need-you-to-survive is helping at all. I still love you, just that I'm not going to die without you.

"I like glittering things and pretty things
As much as before
But being cool and being tough
Have become more important lately"

Don't expect me to be crawling after each fall.

'You see? Times have changed so much
But why do I still hear such words as
"Tears are women's weapons"?'

Never will I use them again.

"We don't cry easily
We are not always coquettish
We are not dolls
Who are only dressed-up

We have our weak sides
We are not always smiling
Don't forget
That we don't exist to be convenient for you

Don't be fooled by my smiles. Thinking that I'm your object of mockery is pure stupidity.

"Though it's certain
I have a pain in my chest on some nights"

You don't expect me to be tough all day long, do you?

"It might be true
The more one experiences sufferings
The more he can be tender and strong"

Hurl your insults at me, I only turn out to be the gentlest and strongest person at the end of the day.

"Do you think you have controlled everything
With a knowing look?
We are not dolls
Who are only dreaming"

Don't underestimate me, betitling me just makes you look more like a moron.

"Do you think you have cheated us well
With a satisfied look?
Do remember
That we are not such simple beings"

You think I'm laughing at your immature jokes, but seriously I'm just laughing at you.

To the spammers at my tagboard, I know who you are. Seriously I think your friends whom I don't really know are much better than you.

Is it even worth it, wasting your time on me? You're better off doing more constructive things.

I don't care how much you hate me, I don't care what you think about what I feel about you. Isn't it obvious? I'm not that low to bother.

Perhaps you'd need more time to get out of your immature shell. Until then, enjoy your time tagging while I enjoy deleting them. I'm not restricting you from tagging. Just that I'll delete as soon as I see them. =)

Besides, tagging here might just improve your English, not. Your confined vocab consisting of whore, fuck, bitch, bastard, penis, cum, asshole, gay, fag, shit, some other words, like cunt and those Hokkien, or whatever languages those are, just don't register in my head. You're better off brushing your vocab first before tagging here.

There are alot of things I could just have said too. Like *beady eyes*. But do you think I'm that low? I'd choose to look at your good sides, thank you very much.

You might think I'm seriously affected, but I am not. I was, and I am not. The old way of insulting someone to make him suffer doesn't work on me. Exercise your brain for something new, please.

With that, the best advice. Just get off and shut up.

Listened to music @ 12:28 PM

♥ Saturday, February 17, 2007

CNY is here again. Last year's CNY was really great because of someone... it seriously was one of the best moments I had. To that someone, I thank you for everything, even though the present is not what I wanted, these memories in my head will make me survive.

This year... I won't be happy in CNY when normally people are. Missing too much may be a pain but with you in my memory, I am not hurt as much.

If I were a flower in its blooming moment, I will bloom beside you. And when I've finally seen you smile with my own eyes, I'll wither quietly...

Your smile is really beautiful and gentle. I can't forget it.

These moments will be with me... until the day I die.

Listened to music @ 12:46 PM

♥ Monday, February 12, 2007

Seriously, I am lousy at adapting to new lifestyles. I just can't get used to not talking to you, not feeling that warmth from you. Suddenly, everything feels so cold, things just come to a drastic stop. I feel time has stopped but yet I feel it's passing on so fast, to that day when it's the final farewell.

However, it is my fault at the end of the day. I've never decided to harbour hatred towards you.

Maybe we did so to protect love.

School today is quite OK. Sometimes I wonder if having Mr Koh Yiew Kiat or Mr Ng Chor Yam will help my maths more since they are regarded as the more pro Maths teachers. However, somehow I feel that I am enjoying maths lessons more with Marianne. Haha. Yes, that 2 periods was nice as always, you just get the vibe that you can ask her for queries.

Then double Higher Chinese. LOL, we're on a topic about self-control. Xing Han was like saying "身体的欲望" and I was like, "Isn't that SEX DRIVE?!" Thus, I spammed "性欲" and he was like saying that as HCL students we should use higher class chinese. I like Xing Han, so I rolled my eyes behind him. 性欲 means 性欲... what's there to change it?...

Then he went to talk about the laws of Singapore being made in the point of a man. He also said he felt unfair on why when men have sex with girls below 16 (he said 14 and someone said we would all have sex if that was the legal age), the man will be charged, in spite of the girl's willingness. However, if otherwise, the woman will be free of charge! LOL. Then he told us a story about a china man who went to Japan for 10 days for business and his wife, left alone, had sex with their 15 year old neighbour to erm get rid of her 性欲. Then when the husband came back, she still did not stop her affair with that neighbour. It was only found out when she was preggers and the doctor told her husband to sign some stuff cos of an infection during her abortion. Haha. 性欲 can be so dangerous at times.

Then English... ah Miss Tan told us about Mr Lau...

Mr Lau met with an accident.

Another's school's scouts' structure fell onto his face and there were fractures on his skulls and internal bleeding and he was like in critical condition but thank God he is in a stablilised condition now. Mr Lau is a very nice teacher and in spite of what other people said about Geog lessons, they seemed fun with him. I hope you recover soon Mr Lau.

All right then it was RME blah that.

Speaking of RME, we were given food rationales cards that was like in war. My class had 32 people so there were only 16 cards. Mr Chia took the first card and asked me, "Do you need one?" Like OMG, that is like so insulting, is he trying to say that I have no control over my 食欲? Hmph. Well I told him, "I DON'T NEED one." I went to the library during recess instead.

My class was so naive too. Many rushed to grab a card, thinking that we're gonna get abalone or some delicacy. True to my expectations, the food was sweet potato. Well sweet potato rocks but they didn't bother to even peel the skin off. Yuck. Anyway, the thing that made me pissed came; my class grabbed the sweet potatoes and threw them all around the classroom. African children are starving now, HELLO!? It just makes me sick.

Friday, we will have lessons till 10 40 before it's recess then the CNY Celebration. School ends around 1. WHY OH WHY!? I have P.E. from 9 20 to 10 40. Now there's NO escaping this horrid subject even though there are nice teachers there!

Listened to music @ 7:58 PM

♥ Friday, February 09, 2007

Had the re-audition today... and I failed again.

Thus I had come up with the equation:

(I failed)² = I am an utter failure as a trumpeter.

I was emo for a while I must say.

But something inside tells me, for what am I sulking?

The reason why I failed again is simply because I'm not practicing enough. Perhaps experience and talent plays a part but hard work is defenitely the deciding factor.

Thus I decided that I have to be strong, so that I won't fall to life's even greater obstacles.

If I believe, I can.

As Mr Kwok said, am I the one with high level of hope, moderate level of hope or just little/no hope at all?

To succeed, I must have a high level of hope.

I can do it again on Wednesday!

Anyway, ever had something that reminds you of someone close to you?

I certainly have one.

It's a jewel. Why a jewel? It's because that certain someone's name is a jewel and I shan't reveal more.

That jewel cheered me up again.

Just thinking of the beautiful moments. They may be gone forever but still I hold them closely to my heart and I feel so fuzzy all over.

That makes me think of Ayumi Hamasaki's JEWEL. It's a nice ballad and the lyrcis are in the ultimate form of simplicity and so beauitful at the same time. I might post the lyrics at the bottom of the post.

Allow me to digress once again, but how many times have you claimed you hate someone but in actual fact, you really don't?

I have. Countless times to be excat.

I tell people, "I HATE XXX XXX!" However, I don't. In fact, more often than not, I respect XXX XXX and admire XXX XXX's honesty and wackiness. Ha I am a weird person... weird weird weird.

However, all that I think is just what I think. No matter what happens, XXX XXX's opinion of me will never change and XXX XXX shall hate me till the day he dies but I don't care. I still respect XXX XXX. I still admire XXX XXX. I still *love* XXX XXX.

Please don't take love as a big deal. Love is big and diverse. Love isn't just about sex and boys and girls.

Love is about care and concern over someone. That is my defenition of love. I love whoever that I care for. That includes those cute dogs and cats.

Well back to the first topic, I shall be a Beautiful Fighter and get over this hurdle. My dreams will still be there so long as I believe in them. A Beautiful Fighter is resiliant and never gives up, a Beautiful Fighter doesn't think negative. I shall be a Beautiful Fighter.

Well anyway (again!), I was appointed by Mr Chiang to coach the new sec ones in my section. I had two 'virgins'. One picked up pretty fast. The other, I'll work more on him. The two PRC scholars are good trumpeters too. Haha.

Speaking of coaching and all that, when Miss Tan scolded some of my classmates yesterday, she said something so awe-inspiring.

"I am not that kind of teacher who just says 'Those who are interested come to the front and those who are not just stay at the back and do your own things.' As long as you are in my class, under my lessons, you are worthy of my teaching."

I will treat my juniors this way.

Junior abuse is out of my league too. So heave a sigh of relief guys.

Under the grey and square sky
Is filled with all kinds of desires today
But I don't lose sight of the light among them
And can walk, looking forward
Because you always show me
That there remains a purity even in a corner of this city

Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen asleep, so exhausted
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but me knows

One day when the sunlight poured and the wind blew gently
As if it were nothing special
I felt alone that something was changing in me
Slowly, firmly and surely

Though I wasn't sad at all, tears fell down
Because your feelings sank painfully into
The scar in the depth of my heart
And changed it into tenderness

If you come across deep sorrow
I wish you will share it with me
I'll be able to do anything for the smile
My precious treasure
My precious treasure

JEWEL Ayumi Hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:58 PM

♥ Sunday, February 04, 2007

Had an audition for entries into SYF yesterday... and I failed.

But... there's still one more slot for my section and I'll give my all on Wednesday.

Practiced from 11 30 - 13 30 this morning... two hours of hardcore. Wanted to practice again from 19 00 - 21 00 but that bloody project superstar... it's the finals and my brother so wanted to watch it and he's a fucker anyways so yah I couldn't practice! ;_;

Also, I've decided that I am going to practice AT LEAST 2 hours every day where 2 hours was my maximum last time... I am going to push the max hours to 4 hours. Yes I am desperate to be the best.

I don't wish to be an extra on the 11th when we go to LaSell SIA for our exchange with Philwinds.

F.Y.I, Philwinds is like so prestigious. God they are so cool and Mr Chiang is inside there too! And like the 3rd trumpeters there will judge the 3rd trumpeters here so if I ever get to play... well I'll get judged by them! And Mr Chiang said he'll choose like 20+ of us to join Philwinds to play WHAV. HOW COOL IS THAT!?

It's just really a nice thing that we get to have exchange programmes with wonderful bands like Philwinds. There's really Mr Chiang to thank for this.


I also realised that some things are just really not meant to be. And trying so hard to salvage everything - why? When all that comes out in the end... is just pain and tears. There really is no point. Loving someone means to cause less trouble for him, to make him just... have an easier life.
I'm not going to be so obstinate anymore.

Listened to music @ 9:26 PM