♥ Monday, July 30, 2007
29th July, 2007 was the much anticipated Marist Bands concert, realMusic.
I woke up at 5 30 and God, time flew past really fast and before I knew it, I'm blogging, on the day after the concert.
Anyway, did the usual stuff during concerts; moving instrument, etc. Everything went fine for me... until the concert started.
I started having this weird fuzzy tone which sucks. Obviously I wasn't happy at it and I immediately thought I'll screw the solo in In Times of Triumph.
Well, thank God I didn't.
I heard from people that the solo sounded quite nice =p With this, I can go on to do greater stuff. Yeah.
I surprised myself by not shedding a single tear on the concert. I predicted that I'll break down like crazy like last year but I didn't. Whether that signifies anything about what I feel about the Sec4s is up to everyone's opinions. I know the answer to that myself very well.
I'm numb to a life without you. I don't know why but it's been 14 days since we talked, save yesterday, so that'll be 13 days. Somehow, it doesn't hurt as much as it did on day 1. Am I numb to pain already? Perhaps I've already accustomed myself to a life without you. Whatever it is, I don't even know it myself; maybe I'll blurt out my inner-most feelings unconsciously, when I get wasted or something.
14 days ago, I felt like a part of Me was gone. 14 days later, I've regenerated that lost part of Me. It's surprising how quickly I adapt to this because I know I adapt very slowly and badly.
Anyway, my parents make me laugh sometimes. Coming home at almost 12 yesterday night, I told my mum that I played in a concert.
Her reply was, "You can play for a concert meh?" Laugh my ass off.
I understand it finally; I'll withdraw. The image of you and him together is really beautiful. Perhaps that's why I felt numb now. Maybe letting go is the real possession.
I only what I want to see, how can life be what I want it to be? I am really frozen now... I need to warm up!
Listened to music @ 9:01 PM
♥ Monday, July 23, 2007
I just watched last episode of the 9pm show on Channel 8 and I must say, it's really very nice!
I shan't elaborate too much about the episode cos I really can't summarize things properly.
Anyway, in one of the episodes, when Xin Yu and Xin Hui get their identities returned, Xin Yu said a whole lot of stuff that made me feel very enlightened.
So she was looking in the mirror, then she said, "Why do I feel so disheartened? It's inevitable."
Theory 1: It's useless to feel disheartened over inevitable things.
After that, she was with her sister then they showed some of her inner thoughts.
"Perhaps my Destiny with him has already ended."
Of course, she said other things too but I can't remember them now. Perhaps if they're uploaded on youtube, I can go watch them. Hahaha.
Anyway, the point is, I can't believe how stupid I am to feel so down over certain things. After all, they're inevitable. I mean I should have understood it myself ever since that time that, online relationships are not like those we make it in reality, it's more like pen pal that kind. So, there's like a very little chance for an online relationship to match up to a real one. So, maybe I was too naive, thinking that things will work out in the end. Thus, it's inevitable that one day, that online relationship will just cease to exist.
Therefore, why do I feel so disheartened? I mean, let nature take its own course (and for God's sake don't try too hard) and in time to come, I'll know what the ending is like. For now, I'll just continue being happy.
A smile people, a smile.
Speaking of smiles, had class photo-taking today. I must say, my cute poses in the informal shots must turn out great on next year's year book. I mean, hello?! I LOVE MYSELF! <3<3<3
Anyway, there's this word called "euphemism". Euphemism basically means speaking in a polite and nice manner.
For example, instead of saying, "Your solo sucks, (repeat please, SUCKS!)"
You can always say, "Your solo still has room for improvement."
For one, you won't look like an insensitive bastard, and then you'll protect the fragile hearts of people of the likes of me.
So, please go learn euphemism. Cos if you have not noticed it yet, you are an insensitive bastard, or rather, you just need to refine your words so that you'll sound more gentlemanly. Euphemism.
Well, August is approaching soon, and August will be a hot month for me. Like 5/5 for $$$, Love and Mood? Yeah!
If I were a blooming flower, I'll be by your side, and when I've seen you smile with my own eyes, I'll scatter my petals, alone.
Listened to music @ 10:07 PM
♥ Sunday, July 22, 2007
For those who watch the Pokemon Diamond & Pearl anime on youtube, the latest episode, 'Champion Shirona Appears!", omg it's just great to see Shirona on the anime, like finally.
Why do I like her, the most in fact, out of every single champion throughout the games/animes?
1) She is a WOMAN!
2) She wears black... sexy.
3) She is an ass to beat in the game.
4) She looks hot, from an objective point of view.
5) Those hair thingys on her hair are just.... kawaii!
6) Her hair is so long, it goes all the way from her head to her lower back.
7) She owns a Lucario. No, that doesn't appeal to me but we all know it appeals to those young boys who worship Lucario.
8) She owns a PINK Gastrodon. It's PINK for Zeus' sake!
9) She owns a Milotic. <3<3<3
10) She owns a Roserade. <3>
Shirona just rocks can?
Anyway, today is the 23rd, which means that the concert is a mere 6 days from now! Yes this is very exciting because I'm playing for the Alumni this time round and Nicholas Tan and Hui Xiong as well, so basically I'm very happy for them as well.
Today during HCL, I did something which I'll only tell if you ask me, or if I've already told you that is.
Anyway, I realized that by centralizing music and studies, I actually forget about other things. Time seems to by faster when I'm in band, or having lessons. Hopefully, this'll happen like for a long long time, because I don't plan in going back into thinking about those other things. What I wish is that, by the time I finally stop and take a break, I would have totally forgotten about those other things. In such a way, I believe that I'll able to breakaway *finally!* from those memories that bind.
Listened to music @ 10:16 PM
♥ Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Haha, I changed my font color! It's a big jump from the usual pink/purple. Today's starting color is my 4th favorite color, sky blue. In case you were wondering, my favorite 7 colors are...
4) Sky Blue
I'm getting giddy look at all these colors.
Well, everything I do has a purpose, so what's the purpose of changing my font color? I'm doing this for Lit project so this should be nice.
As time surges on, people and feelings change. Do we change for the better, or for the worse? Do we forgive and forget those whom we hate? Do we stop loving the people whom we swore to love forever? Have we lost our roots?
We always ask ourselves questions, while struggling amidst our own contradictions. We may say "I forgive you", but do we forget? No, we don't, because we bear grudges.
Perhaps we claim that we love someone but do we really love that someone? Maybe we love for the sake of loving, or perhaps because we're bored. However, sometimes, that feeling is so strong; we're certain we are truly in love. Or are we?
With a gain comes a loss. The law of equilibrium trade is in life everywhere. In a choice for your benefit and my relationship with you, the former is the best for you. Insisting on the latter is selfish and thus won't justify anything about friends or lovers.
By the way, if you've noticed, the previous paragraph has nothing to do with the lit project. So I'm not talking about it anymore.
Anyway, we're all in search of someone to be with forever. Sometimes, even if it feels so right but if you are a burden to him. and you really love him, then just let go. It definitely beats dragging him, stopping in what he's doing.
Are we always sad? Humans are such forgetful creatures...
With the memories, I'm happy enough. Besides, I believe there's something else out there for me to love. Like music, or trumpets.
Whatever it is, letting go is easier said than done. I don't expect myself to be completely not in love with you come tomorrow morning, nor do I expect myself to accomplish it so quickly. It takes time, maybe I'll even fail along the way. However, I'll persevere, because I know what's meant to be and what's not. It's wrong and selfish to insist things on my own way when I know it obviously brings harm to my dearest(s).
Listened to music @ 10:12 PM
♥ Monday, July 16, 2007
6 days since I last blogged. That's not too long...
Anyway, had 'O' Level Listening Comprehension in Chinese today. The TVs in the classrooms are freaking scammers. They said the paper will be until 16 30. In the end? We got released one hour earlier!
Anyway, I think I did pretty well in it... Just a hunch.
Campus Superstar today was just... omg.
The judges were like so strict for once and people get 12, 13, 15 etc out of 30. Zeus!
However, Shawn Tok managed to score a 25/30 so I'm betting that he'll get through the revival round and earn his rightful place in the top 10.
The girls... were a disappointment. Hui Xian ruined, let me repeat, RUINED, Angela's C Major. Wtf? The way she sang it is just... so rough and heavy! Just omg it's so horrendous and she got like 18.5/30? OMG. The girl after her, Elaine, sang 1000000000000 times better than her fked up version of C Major... and Elaine got the same score as Hui Xian? Uh... talk about different tastes and perceptions.
Overall, I just hope that Shawn Tok and Elaine get through the revival round. Which I'll find out at 23 30!
Anyway, some food for thought.
From next week onwards, I'll just center my life like what Mr Chiang told me, Trumpets and studies. The rest... save MSN and that something/one else, will be left behind for the time being.
That means I'll be doing my homework, pay more attention in class (well I always have been!), slack less in studies.
Also, pushing myself in terms of music... I'm still not happy with my current status now.
Well, hopefully I'll get promoted to Sec4... and at least get to choice to choose between JC or Poly, even though I'll never select JC.
Anyway, I seem to have a new revelation for this one every week... so here it goes.
I realized that it's hard for the both of us to actually converse in the real life. Somehow, if I wasn't who I am, perhaps things will be different. However, it's too late to regret about that. Our only means of communication is through electric wires. It looks pathetic but seriously, I'm happy enough that I'm at least acquainted to you.
For now, I just want to protect you, that is, stopping people from doing things that'll be potential disaster to you. To how I know what they want to do to you is of course, up to my own resourcefulness.
Even if we're not "supposed to be", I believe that it's still my duty to protect you, as you're my friend, which means I do that to all my other friends as well.
Listened to music @ 10:15 PM
♥ Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sometimes my thoughts are naive. Sometimes I think too simple, sometimes I think too complicated.
Right now, I'm facing something. Something which I don't know how to combat.
My feelings and thoughts towards are so complicated that I ask myself if I am actually just making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I?
Anyway, has everyone heard of the myth of Pandora?
Long ago, the Gods gave Pandora a box and instructed her NEVER to open it, no matter what. Curiosity got the better of her and she opened the box. All the bad things that we have in this world came out of the box. Sickness;wrath;hatred;loneliness;sadism (lol).
However, one good (or so the myth states) thing came out of the box as well. Hope.
From this myth, we can infer 3 things.
1) Curiosity is spelled as that. It's not curiousity. Something which I always misspelled in the past.
2) Well, listen to God's instructions.
1) is pretty straightforward.
For point 2, Pandora obviously defied the Gods (that being Zeus, Hera and those I think) and well she screwed everyone up! The point is, listen to instructions.
Like my dear class for example, who never does point 2. In the end, we always get ourselves in deep shit.
Point 3 is what I wish to talk about.
Hope. Is it good? Is it bad? Or both? What is your opinion?
I used to think that Hope is always good because when you have hope, things go better. That is until I read an article about Pandora's box. It is said that Hope may not necessarily be a good thing, since Hope gives people false hope as well.
False hope. I give myself that and I receive that as well. Sometimes the pain of false hope can be so horrendous that it beats getting a sore throat.
Therefore, I believe now that Hope is good and bad.
But that doesn't mean that I'm pessimistic. To be realistic and not so naive about the world... it's something I need to be. Face it, is false hope existent? Obviously it is. However, I can't deny the fact that hope has saved me sometimes as well.
In conclusion, Hope, to me, is good and bad.
Whatever it is, something that I really want.
People, please stop taking me as some plushie. For one, none of you are people whom I want to be touched. Next, it's annoying the shit out of me. Lastly, I just ABHOR it.
Before I go off, I'm going to get a resolution for this week. If I accomplish, it'll be permanent.
Listened to music @ 10:34 PM
♥ Monday, July 09, 2007
I'm in love with the taste of love! It's actually a song but I really like it.
Anyway, notice how I'm actually using purple instead of pink? Yeah, this is going to be a very happy post.
Life is a journey. I'm standing in a spot, wondering where to move on to next. I was tied down by love, hatred, wrath and laziness.
I am going to move on. I know I'll falter, I know I'll fall but I know my friends (and myself) will always be by my side. With that knowledge, I'm able to move on without worries.
For those who watch the 9pm on Channel 8, you may have noticed the lyrics of the opening. They are inspirational (at least to me) and I'd like to quote some of them, with my translation. Haha.
Perfection is a goal but who can really achieve it? In this world, who's to say who's better than whom? Self-confidence is the key in the end; only you can make yourself smile!
Yeah. I can't depend on my friends 24/7 to be happy because they might have their down days as well. I'd be selfish if I expect them to make me happy even at those circumstances, wouldn't I?
Therefore, I should be more independent and make myself smile!
Anyway, I'd like to talk about self-confidence in this post.
For a long long time, I've always been convinced that I am well not good at anything, thus resulting a low self-esteem and low self-confidence.
People have talked to me and tried to boost my self-confidence up but I was still convinced that I... suck.
I watch inspirational TV shows, listen to inspirational songs and read inspirational books but I was like still so defeatist.
Then the recent events took a toll on me.
For those who watch Jia You! Jin Shun!, in today's episode, Jin Shun was undergoing a test about dying hair. A few episodes back, she was practising like mad. Today, she was one of the 2 who passed the test.
My point is, she practised very hard. And she got the desired results, a pass in her test. Many a time I give myself excuses so that I don't have to practise but in the end, I'm just killing myself.
I guess I know what that means. I should be practising more in my trumpet! If I have a goal, it's not going to be done if I just have a goal. For those who actually googled for trumpet (like me), you'll come across a website about trumpet playing. Anyway, there's a section called Goals. Upon skimming through the page, I came across this equation.
Goals = Wishes + Work
I have a goal. (Please don't laugh) I am going to work in the SSO, as a musician.
My wish would be copying the sentence above and changing am going to want.
Well that was so easy wasn't it? I just stated my goal and wish. But the work part is not that going to be that easy. Therefore, I'll strive my best and accomplish my goal. By the way, that is my ultimate goal for now. Of course there are other goals that must be accomplished before that one. I'm going to apply the same theory in those goals.
Someday, I will be a musician. Watch me.
Anyway, just something to add on to self-confidence, I'd like to highlight a Pokemon from the new Pokemon games.
People, this is Cherrim. No worries, they're both the same Pokemon.
Anyway, the purple, closed Cherrim is the 'Normal' Cherrim. Meaning, this is what Cherrim looks like usually. (in the games, it's totally different in the anime)
Now, if you use the Sunny Day move, Cherrim will transform into her 'Sunny' mode. The pink one, where she's all opened up and smiling. With this mode, she gets powered up as well.
Well, you must be wondering how does a Cherrim have anything to do with self-confidence?
Do you want to be the Cherrim who's closed up, afraid to face the world, or the Cherrim who's opened up, smiling with pure bliss? It really boils down to self-confidence, doesn't it?
I will be the Pink Cherrim, all the time. Ready to face the world with the new strength that I have given myself.
Perhaps by now, most people would think that I did all these all by myself. But my motivation and strength doesn't come from myself.
To those who tried to make me feel more confident about myself, your words were never forgotten, neither were they of zero value. To be honest, it's thinking of you and how you have made a name for yourself that made me realize the importance of self-confidence.
I just want to say, even if I'm that bloody insignificant in your life, you play a major role in my life. Thank you.
Listened to music @ 11:15 PM
♥ Friday, July 06, 2007
In life, we always come in contact with different people, emotions and events. One of them that made the biggest impact on me was love. Lovers, love, falling in love. People, emotions and events. I feel as if I've matured a little after each time I fall in love.
Different kinds of people whom I've fallen in love with, different kinds of love I've felt and under different circumstances. Whatever it is, I always end up the most crestfallen and upset about it.
That'll change, however.
Well, for one I'm sick of being near to someone I love and then getting scared all of a sudden. I hate that feeling, I'm sick and tired of it. If I don't love anyone in the first place, perhaps I'd never feel that in the first place?
Next, be it erotic love or romantic love or whatever love it is, I know I love wholeheartedly. And I'm sick of realizing that I'm just draining my life out each time I do that. I'm sick of that desperation for a reciprocal feeling. Sick and tired.
These few days, I've been thinking about my 3 years in Maris Stella. I thought about people I've come in contact with and what sort of a person I had been. I do understand that I am really annoying and hypocritical.
People call me stuff like "kind soul" but I think they don't really know me yet. I know I'm annoying, I know I'm a compulsive liar, I know I'm a hypocrite and I know I'm hate-able.
I don't and will never ask for forgiveness from those who hate me. Because I know I deserve every single ounce of their hatred. Although hate is a toxic, killing us slowly while we're totally in the dark out it; even if hate is totally removed from emotions, I don't expect them to be actually talking to me again. Because I know it's not their fault but mine.
That's why I decided to be Narcissistic and love myself. Because I'm most annoying to people I love and I'll never get annoyed by myself. It's the best way I can think of to keep everyone happy.
Great, in the midst of this, this happened.
[[ Daniel Leachey ]] says (10:28 PM):
wadever bf, u r sooooo over
[[ Daniel Leachey ]] says (10:29 PM):
and now u speechless
bf = best friend, F.Y.I
Perhaps friendship really is that fragile. Breakable with just a little agitation. And I always hear people saying how when trust is broken, it can NEVER be reversed. And people don't change really. I don't know about that. Perhaps we do change with time.
As time surges forward, people, feelings and events change. Will we lose ourselves while we struggle in the midst of time and space?
I'm really tired now.
I'm really exhausted at the hustle of life. What I really want now is to be somewhere quiet and serene with him... Now that's a little unrealistic.
I must stop daydreaming. I've thought a lot; I've come to my senses.
I'll just continue on this journey, trying my best to stay strong. After all, more often than not, it's the strength within myself that pushes me forward. Maybe, someday, things will be better. Maybe, someday, I won't feel like crying anymore.
I still feel sour inside seeing other people so close with him. That is still unrealistic right? I mean what do I expect anyway?
He gets a new life in somewhere where I'm lost; he walks freely in a world without me.
People get better without me; I get better with myself.
Narcissim is really beneficial for me. I know that myself the best.
I'm addicted to the taste of love. And love comes from myself as I love myself. Apparently I can only satisfy what I need and want by myself. I am the greatest, I am the most perfect! Because I make myself the happiest.
I shan't try to pursue happiness with other people and thus being an annoyance. If we're destined to be friends; we will be. Maybe it won't really take too much effort from anyone of us. I mean, if you wish to make friends with somebody and destiny allows it, you'll take the initiative and you'll be reciprocated. Things go smoothly and nicely. I was deceived by destiny sometimes, when friendships started off so well but went rocky.
I understand what destiny really is now. It is when we make relationships with other and it goes smoothly, like destiny is telling us "There, he is your friend."
Sometimes, trying too hard to make things happen is destructive. You kill other people as well as yourself. Therefore, what for?
Let go. Two simple words. But so difficult to put into action. Sometimes I wish I can just let go of certain people, certain memories. Maybe it'll be the second best way after Narcissim to make myself happy.
Just like how wrath and hatred are toxics that kill us unknowingly, the persistence to hold onto certain memories are toxics as well; killing us unknowingly.
Maybe come tomorrow, I won't even know who you are anymore. Because I've forgotten you. Whether you're buried deep inside my heart or plain erased, you won't be coming up anytime soon, right?
Listened to music @ 10:08 PM
♥ Monday, July 02, 2007
To those whom I've said I'd do a translation on a song... I'm not going to do it anymore. Hahaha not going to allow myself to face humiliation on sub-par Chinese.
Which brings me to my point. On one of my random thoughts today, I realised that my O Level Chinese Oral is like on the 12th. That's pretty near actually. And then there's the listening comprehension later this month I think. Then the written papers around the end of the year.
Well if I was a sec4... perhaps I wouldn't be that bothered, since I'll most likely use English instead of chinese. But... that isn't the case, unfortunately.
I need to like score an A for this chinese o level. If I don't then it's bye-bye HCL and hello express chinese. The point is, since I've been taking HCL since like pri5... why not just continue with it? So I'll need to pull up my socks for this O Level and try not to screw it up big time. And er not to self, no love story in the compo! Yeah cos I wrote one in my SA1 and failed it. Oops.
Anyway, I officially claim 张韶涵 as my older sister. Hahaha. Well we have the same surname AND we are both equally cute! Makes sense? Yes.
I think listening to Chinese songs is really helpful if you wish to do better in Chinese. For one, it's more enjoyable since the songs that you like usually rock. Besides, some songs have fantastic literal expressions like 张韶涵's 真的. Like omg there is this line in the chorus that Fredy said means like something has happened and then reality strikes you; as if the sky has opened up. Cool right. I mean I'd definitely understand if it was in English... Hmm.
Well anyway with love out of the way I am able to concentrate fully on things that I should be concentrating on. The light is appearing. I'll be flying soon. Someday.
Listened to music @ 10:17 PM