♥ Monday, April 30, 2007
All right. I had another quarrel with my brother just now.
This time, I really felt like dying.
He is a bloody fucking hypocrite. In case you don't know, he acts like an angel infront of friends and teachers and is the fucking bastard in the house.
"I quitted band. So what? At least I'm still in the prefectorial board. I still get my CCA points! You're just stupid and have no common sense. Whole day only know how to suck up to your seniors, and in the end, what are you? You are still a recruit! You're not in the exco; you're not the SL, you're just stupid and useless! *After showing him the band blog* Oh you're just the SL because you are a Sec3. But of course your ASL is OBVIOUSLY much better than you, and he'll take over soon! I'm sure everybody in the band despises you."
That was the breaking point. I know I've not been a really nice person and I know almost everybody in the band hates me at this point. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be less hateable and things like that come up. I mean how can I disagree anything with what he said? I know Nicholas Chew, as the ASL, has much better playing skills than me. Up till now, I still don't know why I'm the SL. Has my brother proved the point?
He also said "You can't even play a song!" I can, OK? I can, I can, I can! But no one would know, and I know I'm still that weak and lousy trumpeter. So many times, I tell myself, "Yes, I'm good!" But it's always things like those that make me face the truth.
I'm finding it so hard now not to give up, to improve, to change. I need help. I need help. God please help me, I'm really lost now.
I also said he's a hypocrite cos he acts like an angel infront of his friends and teachers but his whole family knows very well that he's a bloody bastard. Guess what was his reply to that?
"I am a hypocrite, so? At least I'm a hypocrite with sense. I know what to do to get my gains and benefits. I don't suck up to my seniors to only end up as a nobody in the band. I'm in the prefectorial board and I am better than you. You are just fat and useless."
After bringing up some old matter, he slapped me before saying, "Oh please don't bring up about XXX*. I'm talking about how fat and useless you are. Don't try to make things better for you."
* If you want to know what XXX is, ask me on MSN. Oh ya he also said this.
"Do you think I care? You can tell the whole world about XXX but so? You can tell even tell my friends; they'll just laugh (prolly means his friends are fuckers like him too)! If I earn 5K each month, do I care? I still get my gains!"
And all these while, Mr Kwok's words kept surfacing up.. like "You may pass your exams but if you can't pass the test of Honesty, you'll end up being a dishonest person."
That's what I feel like now. Like how that bloody fucker is just a hypocrite no matter what. He sucks. Big time.
I mean, when I look at people whom I thought were all out to bring me down; like Ken. It just dawned on me that what they say is always something I can learn from. In the end, I take it that they're trying to help me. I can't feel that from my brother. I know he insults me for the sake of it.
I don't know what do now. Give up? Or prove to him that I'm not what he says?
I don't know; I don't have the strength anymore.
Somebody, please help me.
Listened to music @ 5:43 PM
♥ Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sometimes, I get jealous over the slightlest things.
It's amusing really, how I just lose control over my emotions last time.
Yes in the past I used to so called "act cry", meaning I would look like I'm crying.
What do I do that for? Seek attention? Or am I just really sad?
And yes, yes, I could be posing some people, being emo and all that. I'm sorry but I'm just not in the best of moods for the past 2 months.
Anyway, it's confusing. I've received feedback about myself that I'm too act emo. Yes I appreciate it, which is why I've made plans to change.
Of course, I'll NEVER EVER show my emotions infront of people anymore. Yes, wrath, sorrow and joy. I'll just keep everything to me. Because whatever I do, I end up crying in the end anyways. And that appears as acting emo. Don't get it twisted, this is NOT a complain or rebuke to those feedbacks.
Anyway, ah at most I'll just cry when I'm alone. I mean how difficult can it be to stick a smile onto my face all the time? Like kind of easy actually. I can do it.
Ha, I guess I'm still figuring out what this and that is.
Sometimes, I fall deeper into this bottomless hole and I end up just being. Wretched.
Sometimes, I just tell myself, "I don't have to prove anything to anybody."
I don't have to prove that I don't act emo.
I don't have to prove that I am not pathetic.
I don't have to prove to ANYONE that I am not THIS and not THAT.
Now I'm in a dilema. I don't really know how I should think now. I mean, sticking a smile should work.
Ah, who really cares anyway. At the end of the day, it's myself that I'm gaining inspiration from.
In the end, the sun will still rise. In the end, the world will still spin. In the end, the people around me will still continue with what they're doing. I know I'm not a good enough person/friend that will make people be in that "I can't live without you" state.
Ah, there's no one I can talk to. Ah, I'm depressed again I suppose. But uh, remember? PUT ON A SMILE! =D Yeah!
Where's my angel in disguise? Ah, I guess I shouldn't look for one anymore.
After all, don't need to look at the ordinary, right?
This is my beauiful life.
La bella vita.
Listened to music @ 8:08 PM
♥ Friday, April 20, 2007
Ha. Had Sports Day today.
As usual, uploaded instruments, chairs and stands.
Reached Augang ( sp?) Stadium, unloaded, blah blah.
And so we started to playing.
I must say, Rainbow Breeze March is a nice song! It er is, cute? Haha, I really like it.
And being a trumpeter, a fanfare is one of its roles.
And so we played a fanfare today.
Wow, it's so military!
But I still like it. Haha.
Then followed Fredy and gang to J8.
And the funniest thing came.
We wanted to go to the arcade but Xing Hao, Hui Xiong, Nicholas Wu and I are in Maris trousers! We were like forbidden to enter.
Ren Xian suggested that he rush home to grab pants. Of course he can't get any for me.
Xing Hao was in some elastic band pants anyways. So...
He wore Ren Xian's pants while I wore his.
Hui Xiong managed to fit into the pants but Nick and Xink can't!
Thus, they didn't BUCKLE and ZIP their pants. They just used the band tee to cover up that "exposed" part. Yes that magical triangle. Ah Xink is wise to think of this.
Yeah so everything went well and to those who were wondering, yes I FITTED INTO XINK'S PANTS!
Yeah, played one round of Percussion Master and my points were pathetic haha.
I am now the SL of the Trumpet section in MSSB. Nicholas is my ASL!
Listened to music @ 10:52 PM
♥ Friday, April 13, 2007
How freaking fast time flies!
Just a while ago I remembered saying that SYF was 7 days.
NOW IT'S OVER!!!
And Maris Stella Symphonic Band was awarded a... GOLD!!!
Yes it's soooooooo SURREAL OMG!
Anyway, here is the story of it all...
Got up at 6am... too excited for everything. Had breakfast and went to band.
Hui Xiong and I had a VERY random encounter with Ms Koh Siang Cheng in the morning. Haha.
Hui Xiong and I : Stoning
Ms Koh : *upon seeing us* Where is the rest of the band?
I : Oh they haven't come yet.
Ms Koh : Then your instruments leh?
I : Oh in the band room lor.
Ms Koh : Then why you all still here?
I : *reaches out hand* We wanted you to wish us good luck!
Ms Koh * =.= face; reaches out hand and shakes mine*
I : Yeah we were waiting for you lor.
Ms Koh : Ya, very funny.
I : HAHAHAHA
Yeah and I shook Sir, Ms Diana Sim, Mr Bronson Chan... um oh Mr Ragun (is that how you spell it...?), omg I can't remember! Oh yes, oh yes when we were boarding the bus... we saw Mr Denis Koh! Yeah!
I : MR KOH!!!!
Mr Koh : Eh hi!
I : Can you shake my hand and wish me good luck for SYF?
Mr Koh : Eee don't want!
Well before that DK incident... we ran through the songs, Mr Lin tuned us.
And yes my famous whip dance. Whee.
Well on the way there all of us were excited I believe.
At SCH... it was just too SURREAL!
Had 10 minutes of tuning and I was kind of surprised Mr Chiang wanted to run through Sunrise and the last part of WHAV. Ha.
Well... all the waiting... I shook hands with some band mates, we were all excited and nervous.
Then it came. Our turn.
Sitted down, looking at Mr Chiang, that whole background just looked... SURREAL!
I can't actually believe that this IS it.
I actually thought it was just another exchange HAHA!
Haha so we played and...
In Sunrise... I really thought it was Over. I mean it wasn't our best to me.
But I guessed WHAV saved everything. Yeah of course.
And so we waited...
Blah blah blah.
Then we went in for the results...
At Band 95 Westwood Sec, I was gripping onto Alvin and Randolph's hands... yes we were very nervous.
Soon my whole row were holding hands already.
Band 97... Monfort Sec, I was too nervous and excited to even hear what they got.
"Band 98 Maris Stella..."
I looked back.
Mr Chiang was leaning forward, his hands were clasped together. I know he felt the same as us too.
Mr Wu, Ms Lee and Mrs Tey had stern looks on their faces.
Fredy looked very very very scared.
Yes we were all thinking...
"What will we get? COP? Bronze? Silver? Gold? or Gold with Honors?"
I gripped Alvin and Randolph's hands even tighter.
"Please, please, please! A Gold!" I prayed silently.
"Band 98, Maris Stella High...
That was it.
!!! It was so SURREAL!!!
MSSB jumped together!
WE DID IT!
At the peak of my jump, I cried.
The tears couldn't stop.
I just thought about 6 months of hard work, getting scolded, crying, laughing, everything.
And we got a Gold. It paid off.
It was an undescripable feeling.
It's just... SURREAL!
I remembered hugging Randolph too. To the point of crushing him I guess.
I looked back at Fredy and Mr Chiang. They were all smiles.
The Sec4s at the front were like crazy too.
WE DID IT!
And I continued crying for like 10 minutes I think. Or was it less? Please tell me if it was.
I looked like we got a COP or something.
I remembered Mr Lin and Fredy smiling at me.
Mrs Tey even said "Why you everything also cry one?"
It was like happiness, jubilant!
Then later I hugged Mr Chiang.
And he was like 'Very shiok right?'
INDEED IT WAS!
That feeling... was just SHIOK and SURREAL!!!
Um yeah then back at the band room, I posed a photo with Mr Chiang but uh...
WHY IS CLEON RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE!!!???
12th April, 2007. Maris Stella Symphonic Band --- GOLD for SYF 2007!!!
A day I'll NEVER forget.
Thanks to all those who have helped me along this road.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
And um want to hear how our Choice Piece, With Heart And Voice sounds like and how it was it that made us MSSB?
We're having a concert on the 29th July, 2007 17 30 hours (TBC).
Come to hear us, Maris Stella Symphonic Band. la Gold Band.
Listened to music @ 9:21 PM
♥ Thursday, April 05, 2007
Recently, I've learnt Lexcial Sets in English lessons.
Lexical Sets - variety of words relating to a common theme.
It's great. So I've come up with a Lexical Set for a sex essay.
That's all I can think of for now. How cool it will be, a sex essay.
7 more days to SYF! It's like really exciting!
You know, I really dread night time sometimes. I am so bored during night time that my mind goes wild and I think of things that'll make me cry and have sleepless nights. Because it always is horrible to know that in the past, you're probably chatting happily with a special someone. And it's not happening anymore now.
The worst way to miss someone is to be right next to him and knowing that you can't be with him.
Oh ya, Ayumi's songs always get me thinking. Even something that appears simplistic like fairyland is actually very complicated in my perception.
Then there's No way to say and forgiveness, which are my personal favourites, because they are so meaningful.
I mean life isn't about love and getting wasted because of him, I mean there's more to it most of the time.
Sometimes we make mistakes when we are lost;
Some of them are not big
But we are still remorseful and lonely
We start to walk emotionlessly
As if nothing had happened;
But I still remember
This never ending fight.
It must be because no matter whose love it is -
We keep protecting it
It must be because no matter whom it belongs to -
We really believe in it
Maybe, in order to protect love
Everyone wishes to believe in something;
But I only wanted to keep my love,
All serious sins,
All immoral things,
But I was holding on for my love...
Don't we feel this sometimes? The mistakes we make, we appear as if they are of no big deal but we feel the worst inside. Is this hypocrisy? Acting like someone else, in another mood infront of everybody else. Is it wrong? Is it right to really be honest? What if you hurt someone else? What if you get everyone worried? What if everything was bottled up and when you explode someday, it is unstoppable?
Is forgiveness really existent? To forgive someone of his mistakes, to give him another chance. What if he doens't appreciate it? What if he's still who he was? Won't you have wasted your time? That must be what is going through our minds when we are contemplating to forgive someone.
Some people forgive easily, some rarely do. Who is right and wrong? Is that feeling of being forgiven great? If so, then why do people keep repeating their mistakes?
To give an excuse everytime, using love and religion. Is that right? You want to be a professional musician because you want to. Not because of your love, right?
If so, then are you being selfish? How are you not selfess then?
The power of faith is so strong sometimes...
Listened to music @ 6:52 PM