♥ Monday, June 30, 2008
There are a lot of questions running through my mind now, with thoughts and constant remembrance of other people's words... I can't think much of anything myself.
I don't know what to do now.
This post was meant to be talking something that I felt today. But when I read the tags left by various people on the tagboard, I wondered if it was still all right to post what I wanted to post.
Okay I think I shall just go with it.
You would say hi to everyone else when you are with your friends, but when it's me, I don't understand why you have to treat me as something transparent.
Today's Lit lesson made me think of a lot of things... how being dispensable and unimportant will mean certain things and people's actions towards you will show it.
What is it that I want to find?
I feel used by my family and most other people already. Somehow, I suppose I wanted to find someone who won't treat me like that, someone whom I can depend on.
I mean am I that embarrassing? If I am, then how? You always treat me as a stranger whenever we're not alone and it makes me feel upset that you appeared that you don't want other people to know that you know me or something.
You never tell me how you feel and how you think; everything about your thoughts and feelings, I have to know from other people. Sometimes I really just want you to tell me how you feel... at least I would know what to do at that point of time.
Every time you ignore me when I'm so close to you, I feel heartbroken and upset and I try to mask all that feelings away with a usual laugh or I do something else to preoccupy myself.
Maybe these feelings are self-inflicted.
I have stopped doing a lot of things to you that I have done in the past. I don't understand what must I stop now to change anything.
Because I feel that I still love you, I want to stay around you so that whenever you need help, I would be able to do something. I don't ask for you to show me anything or to treat me specially... I just wish that you wouldn't ignore me most of the time...
That was what I wanted to post today.
I don't know if those thinkings were wrong of myself, where it turned out that I am actually just being selfish. I have such a feeling...
Anyway, Spain won Germany 1-0 in the EURO finals. Spain won! I heard Torres scored that winning goal but who cares, I think Torres looks ugly and thus I have no interest in him.
I only like Spain because of...
David Villa (hot)
Cesc Fabergas (cute)
Goal keepr (sexy)
Okay I'm being very superficial but I really think those three guys look so nice.
"In a world where you are my first and I am your last, how am I seen in your eyes?"
Listened to music @ 3:37 PM
♥ Friday, June 27, 2008
"The lonely heart always seeks for the reasons
The restless mind always seeks for the outlets"
kiss o' kill - ayumi hamasaki
Yesterday was the dreaded PE lessons and as usual, we took height and weight.
I grew one cm taller, from 173cm to 174cm!
I lost two kg!
Yes, I'm serious. The reading was Xkg in late April, when we were taking weight for the health check thingy.
Yesterday, the reading was X-2kg. I finally lost weight. =D
School has been okay I guess, just certain things bothering me.
I wish people would stop teasing him whenever I walk past him. It's bugging me.
I wish Mr Kwok would just STFU for one day and let us start lessons at 8am for once.
Today was the Youth Day celebrations and my heart went through a roller coaster ride.
I don't really wish to elaborate on too many things... because it's so obvious to whom I'm referring to if I list every single detail down.
The only thing I can say is, I feel glad to be able to stay by your side. Even when I'm looking at you from somewhere far away where you can't see me, I feel happy too. Even though I'm most probably last in your world, you are always first in my world, and I will do everything that I can to make you happy.
"I wish you will be able to do what you love every day. I wish to be able to see you doing what you every day, because you are most like yourself at those times."
I don't know if it's just me overthinking but I always feel that you treat me as a stranger whenever you're with your friends, or when I'm with my friends. Someone told me that when you do that, it probably means you don't want to let other people know about whatever you're hiding.
Maybe it's because I'm an embarrassment to you...
But at least you still say hi when we're alone. =)
Sometimes, the ordinary days feel the most extraordinary.
I am just happy to be by your side, and to do things for you whenever you ask to. I have never felt such a strong sense of obligation to be with someone before.
"Let me hear about your past
Tell me about your future"
kiss o' kill - ayumi hamasaki
Anyway, Spain won (well owned, rather) Russia with 3-0 yesterday night/this morning. Yay? I love Spain to hell because of David Villa. David Villa is so freaking hot! If he didn't exist, I would have fallen in love with David Villa when I first saw him.
I love you.
True love is not about possessing the person you love, but rather to want that person to be happy.
To like is to love a little, to love is to like deeply. To like is to enjoy his company, to love is to cry for him often.
Love that is not reciprocated... if it's regarded as a false love, then it's a little unfair, isn't it?
I only know that I love you so much and I am falling deeper and deeper in love with you every day.
I see your smile, so dear and dazzling, I'm living every day to see the smile. This is the purpose of my life; it is the meaning of my life.
I love seeing you playing soccer. Although I couldn't show any expression today because there were people around, I was supporting you in my heart. Please always continue to do what you love... please always be yourself... because I really love you for who you are.
"I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I want to go on protecting you
With all of my might"
MY ALL - ayumi hamsaki
Listened to music @ 3:01 PM
♥ Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I came home yesterday at 10 30pm and my mother asked me what I'm planning to do for O' Levels.
Well, I don't really know myself actually. July is just such a busy month with competitions and what have you... I'm definitely coming home at about 10 30pm on Mondays and Wednesdays in July...
Alumni practice yesterday was well interesting. I was late, which is something rare, I mean I'm not a late person... just that I thought alumni started at 7 30pm but it started at 7 00pm. Oops. Anyway, I finally got to see (and hear) Loo Kit, and he looks super familiar. I feel like I've seen him somewhere before but I just can't remember anything right now.
Anyway, sitting next to Loo Kit during full band was like some gift from God. I mean his tone is super beautiful and it sounds so full and warm! That's definitely some tone that I would love to produce! =p
I got a little discouraged during certain parts of the practice (as always)... but somehow yesterday was different. I just thought that I should practice even more since there were so many parts that I'm not very familiar with yet.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Loo Kit was a really nice person too, like he followed me to the dark and creepy cupboards to take scores. Well I mean I really needed light anyway. I just love people who are pro and nice at the same time.
Back at school...
Oh my God. Just what the hell is wrong with the school's management.
First day at school and I get the stupid news that the canteen is going 'cashless' from next week onwards. Which means that everyone is forced to buy a cash card in order to make purchases from the canteen, otherwise you would need to get coupons. Like utter crap. I mean oh gosh so now Maris Stella is going to be 'upgraded' into a high-class school by using cashless payments? Yah right.
Second day at school, which is today, was WORSE. I was told my hair is 'long' and 'touching the ears' and I needed to head to the amateur barber waiting to chop my 'long' hair off in the Shaw Hall. As I made way to the hall, people were like saying that I still 'have a slope' and were like omg-ing at this atrocity of the school.
What was worse was that I needed to pay $5 to the barber to get my hair cut in a horrendous manner. And at the hall, more than half of the people there had totally ACCEPTABLE hair lah. I mean I saw bald people there? And I saw Saw too like wtf I think his hair is shorter than mine? What's wrong with the teachers man.
Anyway, I ended up wasting $5 as the barber amateurishly cut my hair. I mean omg lor when he finished cutting, he only switched the hairdryer on for like one second? How to blow away all the hair bits? And like the style he cut was SO WRONG... I look like some idiot and now I need to waste another $10 to get my hair done PROPERLY at a saloon.
I mean the barber is a nice person but his skills are...
Everyone, even myself know that this is wrong. I know this is wrong too. I know that he'll never like me in that way, I really do. Please, I beg everyone to stop telling me how wrong it is; I know it very well too.
But I can't stop.
I am falling deeper and deeper in love with him every day. As each day passes, I am falling deeper into this bottomless pit. I can't stop it.
Like today, I just saw him during recess and then I start missing him after recess already. I want so badly to see his dazzling smile... and everything else about him.
The joy that he gives me when I am with him; the euphoria that he gives me when he treats me so nicely... they own every other happiness that I have felt. I'm serious.
When I handed him the multipurpose court key on Saturday and saw his delighted face... I felt so happy that he is happy too. I want to do things for him, so that he can be happy.
I understand that he doesn't want his friends and my friends that he will acknowledge me or something... I know that. It's like some secret thing and I would gladly keep this secret as a secret.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I see your smile, so dear and dazzling... I'm living every day to see the smile; that is the purpose of my life.
I love you... more and more.
I love you.
"If I give up now, it would be rude to the tears that I've shed at those times, wouldn't it?"
Listened to music @ 3:16 PM
♥ Thursday, June 19, 2008
They always say, 'try harder', and that's what I always tell myself too. If today is a bad day, then there's always tomorrow; if something goes wrong now, somehow things will work out in the end.
Do you know how childish and stupid those thinkings are? I was really childish and stupid.
And I think I have woken up.
I feel like I am a crow and everyone else in the alumni band are phoenixes and the whole band is basically a phoenix nest/habitat.
Maybe there were times when this crow could fly as gracefully and high as these phoenixes but... at the end of the day a crow is still a crow. A crow will never magically transform into a phoenix. A crow will never belong in a phoenix nest. A crow just won't be able to do it.
I feel that I never really felt a sense of belonging in the alumni band. It was always like I'm so extra person that just popped up from nowhere... no value. I know there are and there will be people inside who will despise me anyway, and I know who they all are.
It's like I don't understand why I'm putting myself under such sufferings.
Garrett told me last week that he thought I would join alumni because it was fun.
And I realized something.
Probably most of the people in the alumni are in it because it's fun; people like Garrett.
Do I feel any fun in alumni?
Every time when I know that, 'oh there's alumni practice today'... the first thought that runs through my mind isn't, 'I'm so excited!', neither is it, 'I can't wait for it!'...
Rather, it is thoughts like
"Am I going to be alone now?"
"Am I going to get scolded again?"
"Am I going to feel like a burden again?"
"Am I going to feel upset again?"
I can't find any fun in a place that I really want to be in. I guess I am right. A crow will never be a phoenix. A crow will never fit into a phoenix nest, no matter how hard the crow wishes and tries.
They say, 'if you believe, then surely it will work out', I thought so too, trying time after time, wishing naively that somehow, it will work out.
I never knew how stupid that thinking is.
I used to think that Mark brings me the greatest pain and whenever he treats me like a stranger, I would think that that is the worst pain. But I was wrong. I think feeling so useless and unbelonging and undeserving in alumni after every single practice is really The worst pain.
It's time to give up?
In the past, it was, "Should I fight? Or raise the white flag? I'm not going to run away like a victim."
Now... it is, "If this world was split into winners and losers, I want to be a loser, I always am a loser."
I have lost everything. Suddenly there's no will to continue and grit my teeth like how I used to. I feel so lost and weak now... in a place that definitely won't have a place for me.
I mean, what is the purpose of making myself feel so upset? Won't just giving up... and quitting be so simple and direct?
Ah, that is what I am going to do.
I have decided to quit alumni after all the competitions. Well, actually I should quit now, just to relieve the pain from myself, and the troubles from other people. But I won't. And it's not because of what big responsibilities or whatever... I'm not such a nice and noble person... neither will my departure have any impact on anyone or anything whatsoever... it's just that I know they will kick me out of the competitions anyway. So might as well stay until they decide to kick me out.
"Yes, I go. Whatever unreasonable place may be waiting for me... I must accept myself; that I'll just have to remain as myself."
I'm just not a music person. It's really pointless to make yourself stay in something that you just will never be able to accomplish. It's like flying without any wings... loving without any giving...
Just a few more weeks and all the competitions will be over. Then I can quit and not come back to alumni for the rest of my life. Although I know this Saturday's practice, or the next Wednesday, or the next Saturday... whatever it is, that I may be alone again, that I will get scolded again, that I will feel useless again... at least I know it's only for a few more weeks.
A few more weeks... and the pain will be relieved.
The alumni band with just Chong Jun Xiang alone in the trumpet section and the alumni band with no one in the trumpet section makes no difference. Maybe the latter would make the band sound better after all. What's there to be afraid of when I know there are better musicians who are still in the alumni? Nothing.
I guess I sort of learned that music is a cruel rat race and you must be good to stay in the game. For someone as useless and musically retarded as me, it's pointless to want to stay... when I will just get hurt at the end of the day.
"Even when I get tired of flying, I don't even have the courage to rest my wing. If I could have a wish come true, take me away from here, please. I'm still here and have been searching as before for a place to fit in."
Listened to music @ 10:23 AM
♥ Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Yesterday was the Band Dinner and I'm very glad that I attended it.
I met Xing Hao at Toa Payoh first before we headed to Yio Chu Kang but we got like stopped by this girl half-way and she was like asking us to donate $10 to her for some thing. Xing Hao why did you give her $10 like lmao.
Anyway, at Yio Chu Kang, we waited for more people to come and I was very happy to see a lot of peers. Haha. Anyway, Xing Hao stayed to wait for more people while I went off with Joseph and a lot of other people to Lucas' house first.
We got lost (obviously)... I mean what the hell who knew that 825 was like a mini bus. Anyway we reached Lucas' house eventually and yah people were playing pool or mahjong. And this guy was setting up an X-Box too.
Then like just slacked around doing nothing actually. Then wanted to get food but there were like so many people that I couldn't be bothered to get anything. I helped to marinate the stingray which was disgusting. Anyway, I heard that Nicholas Chew cut his finger cos the knife fell off the table and he caught it with his bare hands. I hope his finger heals soon.
Then, I went into the KTV room to watch people sing which was just hilarious and I sang one song in falsetto which actually sounded horrendous. Ha.
Then, I wanted to play mahjong but the guard kept complaining that residents said that we are playing with money? I mean that's so retarded. Then everyone was like screaming and making noises and the guard kept giving that weird face.
Anyway I felt so weird about the BBQ pit cos we only had like one station with two little pits for 40+ people to use... I mean we should have like at least three stations then will have enough mah. In the end everyone didn't get to eat a lot of food either.
But anyway the fire ran out and the remaining chicken wings were like stir-fried by Mark (or at least that was what he said) and well it tasted nicer than those on the BBQ pit lah.
Then I left with Fredy, Zhen Cheng, Jia Wei, Fabian and Hui Xiong to MacDonalds. But obviously Hui Xiong and Fabian won't go *hint hint* so it was just the four of us. Then ate finish and went home... and I just slept already... so exhausted.
Sometimes I feel that he treats me like a maid. He only asks me to take food for him or to take photos for him. I really don't mind doing all these things but I just wish he could be a little warmer to him. But I'm still happy because he remembered something about me... I mean it's so weird that I'm thinking about such things right.
But anyway I really believe that he just doesn't know what sort of an impact everything that he does will have on me.
I just want to do things for him... always and always.
Listened to music @ 1:03 PM
♥ Friday, June 13, 2008
"So 184.108.40.206 one by one
1.2 STEP you in this way
I want to know you well"
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki
There are a lot of issues in our lives where we can't make a decision ourselves. Therefore, we often decide based on other people's opinions and their stories.
But... if we allow others to decide for us, no matter what the outcome of the decision is, we will come to regret it.
I think that's really true.
Two different people told me two totally different sides of an incident. I asked myself, "What should I do now? Who should I believe?"
I really thought about this for like half a day before I finally knew what to do.
I will believe in him.
I believe what I see and what he does to me. The unhappy moments were when he dislikes me and the happy moments were when things were better.
I guess sometimes things aren't that deep after all. I love to analyze every single thing and find out the hidden nuance inside everything but this time... it feels different.
It feels like I should perceive things in a different manner... and just look at things as they are.
Also, even if other people ask you to treat someone better, you wouldn't be treat that person nicely to such an extent. Moreover he treats me nicely when usually not many people are around so what's there to prove?
Sometimes I feel that I think too much.
I believe in him. I don't even think this is deluding myself or whatever. Certain things have happened and I can't look at them as being lies because it doesn't feel like anything like a lie at that moment, at the thoughts of it afterwards.
Therefore, I am happy again.
"'Where are you, what are you doing around this time?'
Right after I thought of such things
Even for just a moment,
I wanted you to remember me"
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:01 AM
♥ Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Because it was too sudden, I couldn't accept it.
I wish someone would say, 'It's a lie', and laugh with a mischievous look.
In the past, whenever people write on their blogs or tell me that life sucks, I would always be one of the people who would disagree with them. Though there were times when I was in a state of depression and felt very lost, I didn't really have that 'Life sucks' mindset... because I always thought that life was beautiful, and that you could always learn something new from it every day.
Perhaps I was just naive.
It's only because my perception of life is as such that whenever I face things I dislike, such as quarreling with my family or feeling useless in the Alumni band that I decide to press on and just live on. Because I always thought that besides the friends who would always be there for me (thank you very much guys), there would still be someone special who would also be by my side.
I honestly thought that way.
He gives me the hot and cold treatment, and it leaves me frustrated and confused. How wonderful it is for me to know yesterday that while the cold is true, the hot was merely... merely actions done by pressure from other people.
When I heard of that news yesterday, I tried to laugh, I tried to brush it aside, I tried to do other things.
But they only worked while the sun was in the sky.
Then, on my bed... I just started thinking about things.
Memories... memories... they keep reappearing in my mind, and then I just saw whatever things that he has done, be it good or bad.
The good things happen only because of the pressure given by other people? That seems so... dramatic and fake that I don't want to believe it. I mean of course I don't want to believe it.
A part of me says, 'I trust him', but that's just saying. I can't go on saying, 'I trust him', without knowing anything.
Without knowing anything from him.
I still believed that I would only accept it if it came from his mouth. Until that day, I won't believe anything else that other people said.
Sometimes, that belief seems so invalid...
Why would Fredy lie to me? Why should Fredy lie to me? It's only because I understand the answers that I feel afraid... apprehensive... and upset.
Because I doubt Fredy would lie to me anyway. So what Fredy said HAS TO BE the truth.
Doesn't that contradict what I said earlier on, by trusting him.
I still trust him. But I'm afraid that that trust roots from the denial that the good things aren't really good things.
Our various encounters... and everything that happened... I thought he was in a bad mood, or I did something wrong, or he was just doing it for fun when all the bad things happened.
When the good things happened, I thought that he really meant it, and at the very least I know he doesn't hate me.
Now, it appears that the good things happened because other people told him to be nicer to me. Does that mean that the good things are all false?
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretend that they were the truth... it's just... just so excessively empty...
Suddenly, I feel like no one wants me anymore. Not saying that he wanted me before but just for those moments when I really felt pampered by him... they always made my day and made me feel euphoric. Sometimes he can treat me really nicely... too bad they were all lies...
I might have known too early; the terrible rebound after happiness.
So maybe my uneasiness was right after all. That week of euphoria and joy... who would have guessed that the terrible rebound after happiness was actually knowing that all the fun times were lies?
All of a sudden, cutting myself seems nice... all of a sudden, destroying myself seems nice...
Or maybe I should just go die. Even the one person whom I thought... all lies...
I can't even tell if I'm angry or upset. I guess I'm more heartbroken. Heartbroken to know that the happy moments were lies.
If you forget that you have fallen in love with someone, surely you would be able to fall in love with someone else.
Should I do that?
I don't think I should. I don't even know what to do now.
That desire for him to tell me everything comes back again...
I thought my June holidays would be perfect because of that beautiful first week... How naive...
If I were to say that I believe in you, what would you do to make myself feel right about that decision?
The days we couldn't understand each other and parted, the days of tears, the days of smiling faces...
Whatever may happen and whatever mood you may be in, I'll always accept you.
So, even if some random person would to come up to me with a cheeky smile and say, 'It's a lie! Fredy was lying!'... I doubt I would be happier... because the random person isn't him.
Listened to music @ 9:53 AM
♥ Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Hello everybody, I'm unofficially back from a life of no-life!
I realized that since it's just the plug that's missing, I should buy one and well I did, so here I am. Yes applause for my stunning intelligence please. *clap clap*
Anyway, life has been really mundane lately. I guess that's one thing I abhor about holidays... it's just so boring. And I don't get to travel overseas too. Maybe I should sneak into someone's luggage and travel with him to another country!
Which reminds me that the Alumni band is going to Europe next year for WMC. Maybe that could be like my first big break towards another continent.
Whatever it is, perhaps you are wondering how I spent my days without the computer...
So I wake up from a range of 9am to 12pm, and then I...
1) Play Pokemon
2) Watch TV
4) Think about things
Note: Number 3 is false.
Anyway, I can't blog too... so I end up writing a diary. Guess what's the name of my diary? Haha.
My diary is now a pathetic A4 exercise book... but fret not, I will buy a glamorous diary soon.
Sometimes, writing a diary seems to be better than blogging. Because I write really really really discreet stuff in my diary... and I really mention people's name (in which I don't really do that on a blog) so in a way, it's kind of like more personal to me... and my diary has a name too. It's like I'm always talking to this person, which makes me happy.
Anyway, I'm currently feeling very stressed and upset over band.
I mean Alumni band.
There's like NBC and WASBE (it's called something else now) in July; so that's 2 competitions.
I hate competitions. Competitions make music like a rat race... and I don't know. I've always regarded music as something carefree, free & easy... something just really mellow and dreamy.
To be so stressed over music because of competitions makes me feel sad.
And it's worse because my skills are horrendous.
That means, I'm a really lousy player.
I'm really very lousy.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm actually cut out for such things. I mean my plan after O Levels is to get into the Audio Technology course in Singapore Poly but then... sometimes I feel that that goal is a little too far-fetched.
Maybe I'm just no a music person.
Oh well, what was to be a happy post turned out to be something sad!
But I guess that's what Life is all about.
After all, something very happy happened to me on the week of 25th May to 1st June... so maybe my feelings towards band now is the terrible rebound after happiness that I've experienced so often.
Ah, I guess one thing I look forward to now is the Band Dinner, which is at Lucas' house coming Monday. Well actually it's kind of sad cos Saw is not going haha. But whatever it is, I hope that it'll be something happy, which means that I hope he will be nice to me? Ha.
Listened to music @ 12:59 PM
♥ Wednesday, June 04, 2008
I'm blogging from my classroom's Mac now so please pray that I won't get caught. =p
Anyway, I'm sure most of you would have known my story; that is my parents have removed the plug from my computer, thus I really won't be able to use it until like November.
Anyway, I thought I would suffer from withdrawal symptoms but it seems that it's not as serious as I thought it would be. I think I'm suffering more from withdrawal symptoms of... ha.
Well, nothing much has been going on... just that I really want someone to just SLAP me now please... because last week was just too surreal. I mean wow I am like so happy over the many events that happened last week... was everything just a dream? I mean like whatever it is, I guess it's still real... so... I'm really euphoric!
But still, someone needs to just slap me again for another reason. I don't know what's wrong with me. Although there were a lot of happy things last week, enough to make my June holidays a PERFECT one but... I'm very afraid of the terrible rebound after happiness that I've experienced too many times. I sincerely hope that one week of euphoria wouldn't result in three, or even more weeks of depression.
Because things have always been like that...
I really want him to always treat me sweetly, but maybe it's because he doesn't always do that, that I felt those moments were really precious and beautiful.
Listened to music @ 7:54 AM