♥ Friday, October 31, 2008
"Reality is a traitor;
It's easy to misjudge things
So with your own eyes
Ascertain the value of this place
With your own standards"
evolution - ayumi hamasaki
"I wonder why it is so difficult
For people to walk the path that their heart lays out for them
Even though I should have always known
I adverted my eyes from the reality
I denied the truth"
GREEN - ayumi hamasaki
...
I slacked the whole day today oh gosh. And I went to watch High School Musical 3: Senior Year with Nic Tan, Justin and James Onggo, and Hwee Young. Um the movie is really nice but I don't think Zac Efron is as hot as what everyone seems to think.
Ashley Tisdale on the other hand... hahaha!
Well, I'm still ill. I finally got my hands on Panadol FLU MAX and more Strepsils so I hope I will get well soon.
Next week is the LAST week of O' Levels! It may seem like an easy week for everyone, but it's not one for me, because I have like 4 papers next week...
So this is the schedule for my papers next week:
Mon: SS
Wed: Higher Chinese
Thur: Geog Paper 2
Fri: Lit
And actually, two Tuesdays is Science MCQ but never mind.
So, yeah. Then I'll be liberated omg finally.
La la la la...
...
"From the moment those feelings overflowed
Before our fingers ever touched
I became aware of this love
At the moment the wind changes
Before I can see my loved one
I wonder if I should say how I feel"
GREEN - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:14 PM
♥ Thursday, October 30, 2008
"I remember I went to sleep late that night feeling uneasy
And had a very sad dream
The phone started to ring in the morning, breaking the silence
And the premonition became a reality
Leaving an unfading scar on my heart
You became a star by yourself"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki
...
Today, I took one of my rare naps. I just felt exhausted and fell asleep. And I had a dream; a nightmare in the daytime...
I dreamed of you. I saw you, and I seemed to have found the courage to speak to you again. I said something to you, and you ignored me. Somehow, I asked you why you were ignoring me.
You said, "Ever since I know that you are gay... you should know that I hate you now".
I followed you around... asking why, over and over again.
You tried to push me away, so as to get rid of me.
I don't know what happened, but I started asking you, "What wrong have I done that you have to do this to me?"
You said something, but I couldn't hear you. So I asked, "What?!"
Before I could hear you... I woke up.
Why? Why did I have such a dream?
Is this really going to happen? I feel so... uneasy ever since I have woken up. Maybe this dream is going to be a reality...
But it is already a reality, isn't it? I mean, that you hate me, or something like that. Something like not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore.
I guess so.
Sometimes it feels like it's fated to be able to meet everyone, and to make friends with everyone.
Because we were able to meet, it's fated. At least, that's what I think.
The less I meet you, the better it's going to be. Just go on and forget about me like how you wanted, and be happier. You will be.
Even though it's the opposite for me...
...
I'm not feeling well. The flu is still on, and I couldn't find Panadol FLU MAX ... And Strepsils isn't helping much. I feel this gross sensation in my throat... no phlegm, no cough, just a weird sensation. I feel like there's a fever going on too... I've taken 4 Panadol pills today and I just don't feel any better...
Today's E-Maths Paper 2 was so-so. The questions were much easier than I thought they would be. The only question I honestly didn't know was the stupid Circles question, but thank God the whole question is only 6 marks!
Tomorrow is Bio so I can stay at home to rest, I hope.
By the way, Cristiano Ronaldo got like the FIFPro World Player of the Year 2008... whatever that is. I suppose it's some MVP thing... every sport has something like that. I don't know... I only know that Cristiano Ronaldo visits prostitutes (Wayne Rooney too)
and that he is like half-naked in his 2009 Calendar.
...
"The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"
fated - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:28 PM
♥ Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"I gave up, thinking that this voice couldn't reach you
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki
...
I don't know if the reason to why we're not talking to each other is because you don't say anything to me, or if it's because I don't say anything to you.
While a part of me was thinking, "Maybe you wanted to talk to me too, and just like me, you're waiting for me to say something to you.", the reality just speaks so correctly, "He still blocked you in MSN..."
So perhaps this should be a yardstick. Until that day when you unblock me, I'll talk to you. If not, there's no point in persisting in something that I know of the results too well.
I finished my paper and left towards the bus stop. I saw the band. I saw you. I know I just walked past you without saying anything to you. It's not because I didn't want to talk to you, I mean I really want to, but it's because... I don't know if I should. If I hate someone, I wouldn't want that person to talk to me, so... yeah.
But even so, I was still so happy to see you, even if it's just that one second. I don't care if people are saying that you're attending band for the sake of CCA points, or whatever warped reasons they can come up with. Even if it's true, at least you're trying. At least you're putting in effort. And just that alone makes me feel so touched. You always, never fail to reassure the faith I have in you.
If I never had a reason for loving you in the past, then perhaps I've got a couple with me now. I love your sense of responsibility, I love that you're trying.
---
Physics today! I thought I did very badly but um well, apparently I've only gotten two questions wrong, so yeah. Haha!
Tomorrow is E-Maths Paper 2 omg! Pray for me!
---
WARNING: The following section contains a section that shows tremendous disrespect to old people (but I don't care!).
If there's another kind of old people that I hate besides those that are so egoistic and think it's their right to cut queues and jay-walk while there are still cars coming towards them, then it's got to be the perverted old men.
Remember the paedophile encounter? I kind of realized that he's the only paedophile I've seen. There's one in MSHS and gosh he's a teacher!
This freaking perverted old man keeps acting so crazily when he sees me, advising me to change my name for the most stupid reasons, and... gosh. Doing tons of traumatic stuff to me. And he insults other people too! Like LOL @ saying Nic Tan eats opium cos he's so skinny.
Like seriously, screw off man. I don't know why a dirty old man like him is allowed to stay in a school to teach!
And he's none other than, Han Lao Bei. Yuck, super gross.
---
"I feel that the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"
fated - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:34 PM
♥ Tuesday, October 28, 2008
"We can realize more now
We can see more now
We can forgive some day
We can laugh some day"
Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki
---
Today, thoughts were going through my mind like the rain that surged through the sky...
We can't judge people by their outer appearances, because everyone hides their true selves with masks.
I guess that's where we're both a little alike - we're always misunderstood by others.
Watching you being cool is like believing that I'm immune to pain, like what everyone else is thinking, ha, when would such days end?
I remember in the past, when I wondered why I existed... you just stood there saying nothing and giving me happiness.
Sometimes I wish that this year's summer would always repeat itself, that way, I can always be by your side...
I miss you. I miss you, so badly. I want to see you, I just want to see you. And then we can be like how we were, being next to each other, exchanging simple words and thoughts. I never thought such days would be any way bad.
If I can once again meet the still-smiling face of yours shown that day, then I'll never leave you. I'll never thought of leaving and not bothering you ever again...
People look at memorials of their memories because they don't want to forget the precious memories that were left on their minds. Like them, I read our chat logs, I touched the bottle, I held the watch. Because I don't want to forget.
Still remembering the many words you said at those days... I can only run forward.
They say that I'm persistent and obsessed, but I don't think they understand, and it's okay, even if they don't understand. If it were so easy to let go and forget something, then how important can that thing be?
Meanwhile...
I think I'm falling ill. My throat feels swollen and it hurts to even swallow anything. I need Strepsils, I guess. And I have a runny nose too, argh, stupid flu.
---
"If I met us at that time somewhere
I'll them not to feel uneasy about the future"
Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki
Yes, because your future doesn't have me.
---
I was asked to post this by someone else, and this message is for someone else.
你，一点也不忍人爱。说什么朋友。
我，只不过是你消遣的玩具。
分手。。。我不会这么容易让你的。
我。是个双面人。你想分。只能由我先出口。
你怎样的对我。十倍奉还 。
我们之间已没有任何关爱了。
我对你，只有恨。
再见了。
迎接我这个新的朋友吧。
Listened to music @ 9:41 PM
♥ Sunday, October 26, 2008
"Your knowing talk
Gives me a headache"
(don't) Leave me alone - ayumi hamasaki
---
So like you went to your army camp and 'suffered' for a couple of days and returned. I was so happy to know that you weren't enjoying yourself there, because I hate you so much.
Seriously, if your purpose of coming home is to create trouble for me, and disrupt my life, then please, gtfo. Leave me alone.
I can't stand it when you expect me to start the washing machine for you, and then expect me to hang your clothes for you, just because you're going out.
Who are you? Why should I do it for you? Am I your dog? Do you own me? Am I your slave? Sickening.
"You just do whatever I tell you to do and shut up. You have no rights."
And you have every rights in the world? Ha, give me a break.
I can't stand people who think that they are so up there, and that everyone owes them their lives or something. I can't stand domineering egoists who think about themselves, and only themselves.
Just get back to your army camp and die there.
I hate to do things for other people, because I'm so selfish. I really dislike doing things and running errands for other people, especially if they make it appear as if I owe them something. I don't know anyone anything. Screw off if you're thinking like that.
Just... feeling pissed over something. Argh.
...
"I'm looking at the stained sky
So that my tears will not fall
Why can't humans live
As they wish?
I need neither a weak heart preventing me from crying
Nor a strength without tears
I try to look for a shooting star
Upon which to cast my wish on
But I cannot find one
As day is coming so fast
There is not a day
On which I recall you
For I have never for a moment
Forgotten you
Every time I feel sad
I habitually say, 'I'm all right'
Something had ceased to be that day
And I
Can't even find a shooting star
However long I pray
I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender
Just in my memory
There is not a day
On which I recall you
For I have never for a moment
Forgotten you
I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender
Just in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
The summer is over. Fireworks come up to the sky, and disappear after a short while. The beauty and color they give in their transience, will never be forgotten, just like you.
Listened to music @ 10:03 PM
♥ Friday, October 24, 2008
"Our new journey will start this summer
I faintly sense uneasiness in the distance
Let's go to find the way again
To that place we are dreaming of"
glitter - ayumi hamasaki
...
Let's go to find the way again, so that we can each have our own separate paths to take. People come and go in our lives, and some people leave footprints in our memories.
Rather than lament about the loss of things, let's celebrate and feel happy about the memories that were created.
Since we cannot continue on a same journey anymore, then we have to find our way, and walk our own separate paths.
I am hopeful. I am happy!
Humans, searching for what they can't see...
People have an innate ability to adapt and find new ways to get out of a bad situation that they are in.
Yes, still believe in love!
---
Today's E-Maths Paper 1 was much easier than I expected. A lot of very basic questions, and I think I can pass! Although 16 marks are already confirmed to be deducted, I'm still quite happy.
Next week is Physics and E-Maths Paper 2. Both papers are killers, and to-die-for. I'm really worried and afraid. I have to rely on the weekends and Deepavaali!
---
"You see? I think I know for certain
The reason of your smile and the meaning of your words"
glitter - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:21 PM
♥ Thursday, October 23, 2008
"We go on this journey to be happy
You see? A smile suits you very well"
Voyage - ayumi hamasaki
...
I have just been thinking...
When I see you these days, no matter how rare and transient they are, you always look so happy, and doing whatever you're doing with your friends.
I think, you won't be so happy if you were talking to me.
People say that I'm obsessed with you, but I really think that I'm in love with you. I guess I'll stop acting like an idiot whenever I don't get to see you.
Because it doesn't make any difference anymore - whether we meet or not. I'll just see you for one second, and then we won't talk anyways.
I'm guilty of speaking; you hate me too much to speak.
Even if I were to get the chance to be able to be physically close to you like in the past, we can't have that same sort of emotional closeness anymore. I can't. You can't. We can't.
Sometimes I wonder, at the end of so many months, isn't it too much of a pity that we have to be strangers, all over again?
I can't find any answer to this...
I'm really confused now.
I have to "let go", right?
Like, am I doing that already? I mean, by not seeing you anymore, by not talking to you anymore...
I know I will never know why you hate; I will never know about your feelings in the past; I will never know anything... fated...
In the past, you would see me, and say your way of "hi", and then you will ask me about something, or talk to me.
In the past, I feel that we could be friends, and even that made me so happy.
In the past, when you see me looking upset or crying, you would say something.
Ah, even if the present is so cruel and undesirable, I have the past to look back to, while still moving on in a world where I miss you every night. I can smile, because I have my past.
And my past has you.
---
Today was Geography, and the paper is so easy! I really memorized a lot of things, and it feels so good to know what you're answering. But still, I have this weird 'I'm gonna screw up' feeling... I don't know why... bad feeling...
Tomorrow is E-Maths paper 1! I'm so scared of it... I hate Maths...
...
"It would be nice if
We could throw away everything
But what is most important;
Reality is just cruel
Whenever I close my eyes
You're there, smiling
Ah, I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep
Are all people sad?
They are forgetful creatures...
For whom you should love;
For whom who gives love:
Give it your all
Ah, when we met
We were so awkward
We've taken the long road;
We've hurt each other along the way
Ah, I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep
Ah, when we met
We were so awkward
We've taken the long road
But we've finally arrived"
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki
I can't stop the overflowing tears from missing the past.
Listened to music @ 11:11 PM
♥ Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen so asleep, so exhausted-looking
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but I know"
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki
...
I used to think that my fate with you was never-ending, because we always saw each other, almost every day, in the past. But now, it seems as though our fate has run out or something. I don't see you anymore. I can't even remember when the last time I saw you was.
But everyone else seemed to be seeing you almost every day... I really want to see you. Even if it's from somewhere far away...
You didn't come to school today, so I think you've fallen ill. I have prayed, and I will pray for you again. I want you to get well. No time to get sick! I'm already out of your sight so you have no excuse to be unwell! Hahaha!
But still...
To be unable to see you, I took that as my punishment for ruining you. Whenever I get hit by people whom think that I'm immune to pain, and that I'm suffering a physical pain, I took that as my punishment for humiliating you.
It's all my fault, and every unfortunate thing that happened to me is the result of my selfishness. My punishment.
When I lost my way, and the mark is too far, I was muttering to myself, "Such is life..."...
I may strongly dislike a lot of things that happened to me, occasionally asking, "why?" and shedding tears that only I want to see, I can only realize that such is life. Life's like that. I won't be sad because of such a thinking.
Ah, the memories are overflowing. There's something magical about our memories, about our past. I somehow seem to remember something "new" every day, laughing at the sudden realization that such a thing had happened before.
Today, I remembered that you snore in your sleep, just like me! Hahaha, your snores sound so adorable, I wish I could hear them every day...
I will always have a smile on my face, and I will always try to be as happy as I can be. Because you told me before, "I don't like emo people."
---
Ah, today was English! Honestly, I think both papers were super easy, but I'm very worried about my Paper 1.
You know, the Section One of the Paper 1, the word range is 350 to 500 words, right? Guess how many words I wrote? I wrote 961 words! Like, it's almost double the maximum recommended words! My friends told me that they won't deduct marks for exceeding the word limit, just that I might have more grammar mistakes. I hope I won't get any!
After the whole English paper, which was about 7pm, I wanted to go to the toilet, so I went to the one at the basketball court. And guess what. The door was locked, there were voices inside. And there was a super strong stench of cigarette smoke. Obviously, some people were smoking in the toilet. It stinks.
I don't get smokers. In fact, I hate them! A packet of cigarettes cost about $11... I mean that's a lot of money! You can save so much money if you don't smoke! And they're like what, underage people? Where the hell do they get their money from to buy cigarettes?!
...
"Ah - I hope your smiling face
Is with me until the day
I fall into an eternal sleep"
Dearest - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:08 PM
♥ Monday, October 20, 2008
"I wanted to say 'I love you'
I couldn't say 'I love you'
But I feel it was my biggest lie
And the truth"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki
My biggest lie and truth...
---
It's a hell of a day in the neighbourhood.
If you know where that slogan is from, good for you. If not, well, I would still be revealing it later on anyways.
Ah, today was Chemistry! I felt that I really studied for this, so everything should be well. But the paper itself was quite a shocker. The topics tested were very little. I think the paper only tested Metals, Organic Chemistry, Speed of Reaction, Bonding, Fuels, Chemistry Analysis/Salts... and the basic science stuff.
I think the paper was very easy, although I did a question in Section B that was among hot debate after the paper.
The question was like, "Describe how you would obtain crystals of sodium sulphate from a solution of sodium carbonate and an acid." Or something like that.
Some people said you need to do titration, some people said you didn't have to. I didn't mention titration. Maybe I'm right, perhaps I'm wrong. Does it matter? The paper is already over, and if I get it wrong, so be it.
~
I was thinking, why did we have to be at the state that we are in, especially when we were far from this state in the past, I think. But I guess it's my fault... I can't do anything to make it up for me, for you.
I wrote to you before, "Give me a chance, give yourself a chance, give us a chance."
Would you? Have you? Oh well...
...
Desperate Housewives 4 is starting tonight at Channel 5 at 10pm! Omg! I want to watch it, seriously! I LOVE Desperate Housewives!!!
Oh yeah, it's a hell of a day in the neighbourhood. By the way, I noticed they up-sized the boobs of the two ugliest women... Hmm.
And guess which housewife I adore the most?
I love Bree/Marcia Cross! <3 No one will be forgiven if you say she's ugly or anything... she's so... so... HOT!, even at the age of 46!
Okay lah, actually, I like Garbrielle/Eva Longoria. Unfortunately for her, she married a fugly basketballer.
Okay, since we're at photo spamming again, I like Jessica Alba too! And Megan Fox, and Anne Hathaway, and Resse Witherspoon, and Carrie Underwood, and...
Never mind. I will never let you know where I get these piccies from!
=p! Hahaha!
---
"How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:25 PM
♥ Friday, October 17, 2008
I don't know why my mood fluctuates so greatlye today. It has been raining so heavily every afternoon...
A sudden impulse urged me to read my July archives in my blog. I started crying as I read the archives.
I always liked July, especially in this year, because so many memories were created in July. So many beautiful memories. Memories that are so precious.
I got so excited over the little things that happen, and felt so happy then. Even when you just talked to me, or something small and simple like that, I felt happy. It made my day. That was July.
Now? I don't even have a chance to see you. Even if I do, so what? You won't talk to me anymore. You hate me.
Where were the little things that made me happy? Where have they gone? Can I go to that place that they gone to, so that I can be happy again?
I want to go back in time, so badly.
I want to return to those times when we were...
Please...
I can only look back in hindsight now, and relieve the memories now. I'm really happy and grateful to have these memories.
If it's not okay with you, then let's not talk ever again. Let's not see each other again. It was supposed to be that, if someone is okay with you to see him tomorrow, and be with him, it means that this person is okay to have you in his life.
Not anymore.
The past, the past, the past.
I want to revisit them again.
I don't understand. What wrong have I done? I think I know. Am I right?
I sound so cynical, so upset, but there's an overflowing rush of feelings, the feeling of nostalgia, the feeling of happiness to have memories with someone, the feeling of loving someone.
There was more joy than sorrow in the days that I spent together with you. So... thank you.
I know no one will read the lyrics I post but, who cares. They are still for me to read, and cry over. No one will ever understand the meaning, the beauty, and the truth behind this song. No one will understand how I feel.
"How long
Have we spent time together?
How far
Have we advanced together?
The sparkling crystals
We have left behind
Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect
Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone
I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and everlasting dream
This is my wish
I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might
Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret
We have always fought it out
With all our might
Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone
I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see your smile
I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses
I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and everlasting dream
This is my wish
I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might"
MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki
I always said this song is nice, this lyrics are beautiful. I only appreciated the true beauty of it all, when I experienced what the song experienced.
Listened to music @ 11:59 PM
♥ Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"Your knowing talk
Gives me a headache
Until when are you going to
Continue acting?
You can't tell a lie
Behind your eyes
Your pitying glance
Makes me nauseous"
(don't) Leave me alone - ayumi hamasaki
---
I'm reading again and again, the lame tags posted by the spammer(s), and I just found it so hilarious. Like, they don't even know how to spell the names that they are impersonating, nor do they know how to emulate their writing style. Hilarious.
I think it's fine to insult me, do whatever you want, I'm past caring. But I just can't stand it when you use other people's names and tag insulting things about themselves... I can't stand it.
I can't stand your knowing talk. I can't stand your pitying glance. I can't stand your stupidity.
I kind of realized that it takes a lot of skill and knowledge to be an impersonator. Like, some people are simply too stupid to do that properly.
Haha, haters.
---
Tomorrow, is Science Practical! I'm so freaked out but... oh well. I can do this, can't I? Yay!
You know, sometimes, I feel sad. I mean I feel very often, about this, about that, about him, about you, about myself.
But, everyone has to get over his sad moments, because the world continues spinning. So, what should you do? Hmm...
Don't cry. Don't feel upset...
SMILE!
Listened to music @ 8:33 PM
♥ Monday, October 13, 2008
"I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As your smile is only so tender in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
...
People said that the feeling of not knowing what to do is so real and painful... I couldn't agree more.
Perhaps when reality has settled in, pain is suddenly felt. If it's not something important, there won't be pain. Or so it seems.
You know, something miraculous happened today. It's about a story between two people, and how one of them told the other one to wait for him, because he's coming.
I thought that there's no way that person will come, or to fufill his promise, because it has always been like that.
And he came, for him. Just as he said he would.
I thought he would never come.
Have I lost faith in miracles?
It seems that I'm so resigned in my fate, and reality, that nothing appears or has the potential to be a miracle to me anymore.
Even when something that you do appears to be a new miracle for the both of us, I can't see it anymore.
Maybe it's because I don't dare to delude myself anymore, for the heartaches that comes with the truth afterward is just too much to bear.
I can go on thinking that we're back to normal now, because you said hi, because you said this, because you did that.
The truth still stays as blatant as it ever was.
The fact that you blocked me from MSN; I'm sorry if I sound petty, but I suppose that's a pretty solid sign that you still hate me.
I'm resigned to my fate.
I just took it as a duty to shoulder the blame, because it is just my fault. If I didn't do this, if I didn't say that, perhaps we wouldn't be like how we are now.
Is it so? I don't know. I don't want to know. It's too late, I think.
Right now, if you're with the person you love the most, and if she can make you so happy, then I think that's the best way out too.
I'm once again reminded of the fact that the days I spent with you... are probably just days that were created because I was selfish and manipulative.
If I really love you, then I should stop bothering you, right?...
I don't know what to do come band camp. Maybe I shouldn't even go. I don't know...
I feel like I was trying to make the two of us closer, when we weren't even close in the first place. Once again, I forced you to do things that you don't want to do. But, don't all relationships, be it friendship or love, start with two people not knowing each other at all?
It's time to stop giving excuses.
I have lost the power to believe in miracles. It feels like I'm doing something that is not myself, which is to resign to my fate. I feel like fighting on, I feel like persisting, I feel like hanging on. But I guess, I'm only fighting against myself in the end.
Can I blame your friends? Can I blame misunderstandings. I can't. I can only blame myself; it's my fault.
Be it fake or not, I will keep these memories inside me, and walk on, just like how I've always been. Like Elaine in 'Evening Under Frangipani', my life will just be a lie.
You, somewhere out there, please always be happy.
---
These few days have been going on fine for me, I've been studying! I went to school to study some Lit and to consult Mr Wu (was supposed to be Miss Png but somethings cropped up) on some Maths questions.
I saw so many sec4s and it just makes me feel that I'm putting in such pittance of an effort, as compared to them. Just like how I've really put in a pittance of love to you.
---
The person who tagged you is?
- Jack
Your relationship with him is?
- Friends
Your 5 impressions of him?
1) Friendly
2) Potential paedophile target, I think (look, Xing Han is kind of smitten over you)
3) Piano-natic
4) Good taste (since you like JEWEL =])
5) Black? Oops.
The most memorable thing he has done for you?
- Hmm... hmm... hmm... I think, lending me money.
If he becomes your lover, you will?
- Eew. I will go die.
If he becomes your lover, the thing he has to improve on would be?
- Like I seriously don't care and this HAS TO BE the last question on being potential lovers.
If he becomes your enemy, you will?
- Probably respect his decision, but I sure hope that we won't become enemies.
What thing you want to tell him now is?
- Best of luck for O' Levels!
Your overall impression of him is?
- Black. No, I mean, fun.
How do you think people will feel around you?
- Squeezed? Because I'm so fat OMG I'm kidding.
I think they will feel... I don't know? Everyone feels differently around me, even though I'm sure he hates it whenever I'm around him.
The characteristics you love about yourself are?
- Nothing.
On the contrary, characteristics you hate about yourself are?
- I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate myself for forcing you. I hate myself for being myself.
The most ideal person you want to be is?
- Your lover. But realistically, a rich person. With no tummy, and no moobs.
For people who care and love you, anything to say to them?
- Thank you, but I don't suppose I'm worthy of any concern. I jinx and curse and am a burden to people who are nice to me, seriously.
Pass this quiz to 10 people to know how they feel.
1) Chien Teng
2) Nicholas Tan
3) Justin Onggo
4) Joseph Ng
5) Xing Hao
6) Jia Wei
7) Zhen Cheng
8) Fredy
9) Chang Jun
10) Shaun Ho
Disclaimer: I bet like all of them won't be doing this time-taking quiz, because ... yeah.
Who is No. 6 having a relationship with?
- I don't know.
Is No. 9 a male or a female?
- Male (and Jack omg you said only appearance is a male WTF man!)
If No. 7 and No. 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
- No?
What is No. 2 studying?
- His freaking (omg!) 10 subjects. And perhaps learning to be cold-hearted.
When was the last time you had a chat with No. 3?
- Saturday? Oh wait I think it's Friday. Yeah, Friday.
What kind of music does No. 8 like?
- AYU! And Band, I guess. And that Tohoshinki like so MIROTIC.
Does No. 1 have any siblings?
- A brother (is this considered as infringment of privacy?)
Will you woo No. 3?
- two words. NEVER EVER
How about No. 7?
- two words. NO WAY.
Is No. 4 single?
- No.
What is the surname of No. 5?
- Ngiam
What is a hobby of No. 10?
- Kao-pei-ing me.
Do No. 5 and No. 9 get along well?
- I suppose so?
Where is No. 2 studying at?
- MSHS, and soon to be, HCJC.
Talk about something for No. 1.
- Do this quiz, PLEASE!
Have you tried developing feelings for No. 8?
- Wtf? No way, like never ever, omg!
Where does No. 9 live?
- Ang Mo Kio
What color does No. 4 like?
- I don't know. Omg. Tell me!
Are No. 1 and No. 5 best friends?
- I am not too sure myself either.
Does No. 1 have any pets?
- A lot of fake dogs lying on his bed.
Is No. 7 the sexiest person on Earth?
- No.
What is No. 10 doing right now?
- How on earth would I know?
So remember, the Chosen Ones, Do the quiz! Lol.
---
"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at those times
But that was then and this is now
I remember I've always drawn the curtains
In an awkward way
Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have perhaps gone on a long journey
With the most important person
If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight
As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say, 'good-bye'
And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you
Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being humain is joyful
Is it all right that I think like that?
So I walk on
And you'll walk on too, right?
With light shining on
Our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:11 PM
♥ Wednesday, October 08, 2008
"Seized with several impulses, I'm lost in a maze with no exit
The sense of reality urges me suddenly to find the way out
But why can't I leave this place, so strangely?"
GAME - ayumi hamasaki
...
But why can't I leave you, so strangely? The nicer you are to me, the more difficult it will be for me to move on.
Because you were really so nice to me in the past, I always found it hard to just say, "Forget it" and walk, as if nothing had happened. I mean I can, but it'll obviously be a lie.
And then, it seems that reality has sunk into me, and I know what to do. Move on, right? I tried doing that, and I think I'm doing fine, without you anymore.
Why must you be nice to me again?
Why did you see me, and then raise your eyebrows and mouthed a "hi"? Why do you make me feel as if like everything is back to normal again? Why did you bother about me again?
You hate me, right? I know you do, and it just seems right and true from so many things that have been going on, like you blocking me from MSN.
Sometimes, you give the signs that are on both sides of the spectrum, and you leave me stuck in the middle, unable to do anything.
I wish I could go. I wish I could walk away, now. But I can't. I really can't. I don't know any answers; I don't know anything.
If it were me in the past, perhaps what you did today would make me really happy, and I would think that you see me as a friend.
But the me now... I can't do that anymore. The reality has finally sunk in, I suppose. Today you finally stopped un-bothering me. So?
I could only ask myself, "So?"
You still hate me. You still find me a burden. You still abhor me. You still block me from MSN.
You see? I can't delude myself anymore. I don't even know what to do. I'm even beginning to think that that "hi" you mouthed, and the eyebrows you raised, were probably for someone next to or behind me.
I don't dare think to that I have been forgiven, nor do I have the courage to suppose that everything is back to normal.
You will always hate me, because I am such a burden.
But still, when I saw you... it's just... a lot of thoughts coming from my mind, and I wish to tell you a lot of things. I wish to ask you how your A-Maths paper was, I wish to ask how you have been all these while, I wish to tell you that I was harassed by a paedophile yesterday. But...
I still worry about you. I still cringe and worry when someone took a photo of you getting punished in the hall during your A-Maths paper, I still get pissed when I heard that certain teachers were picking on you. I...
I want to make you happy by leaving too. I want to see you have the freedom and happiness that you had during this period of time when you didn't get to see me. So together, even if it's an act that must be for us and will be for us to be separated, let's just work towards that same goal - two separate paths.
It's too late to apologize to you...
...
"'The more you love me, the more my heart aches
I'm already so... about you'"
Liar - ayumi hamasaki
You feel that way now, don't you?
---
Today was the last day of school for me. Well, I think I can hear applause, since everyone hates me so much, it must be a good thing for me to just be gone. Especially you.
Well, the last few hours at school was basically a waste of time. From 8 to 10 was a big waste of time; just sitting around and doing nothing.
Some funny things happened obviously, like how Sean Tang's crackers and waterbombs were confiscated... And cam-whoring among a lot of people. I obviously am not going to take any photos as of yet because I feel so dead today. Note that the confusing incident happened at recess...
So yeah, then a lot of retarded things happened. Apparently water bombs were still in the class so people began throwing them around... like get a life. But anyway, they look they're having fun so whatever. I just feel apologetic to the guys from 3J cos they're taking their A-Maths paper...
Then it was recess.
Then after that, a special hall assembly. It was supposed to be 1 hour but it got dragged to 1.5 hours. A lot of O' Level procedures and such, and then there was this nostalgic video about Maris Stella, which was kind of upsetting...
And Stephene Tay bought a pen for all the sec4s. Each pen costs about $2+ cos it's a Pilot pen so for the whole cohort, it must have cost him like $600+! Omg. And just when you thought the pen was paid for via the miscellanous fee but I heard he payed for all the pens himself! Wow.
I also got the class photos and the graduation photo back, and omg. The graduation photo... I looked so photoshopped! They actually photoshopped everyone's face to remove the pimples, airbrush our faces, and also to lighten/even out the skin tone. Very fake and plastic indeed.
Then after that, I met Justin Onggo and Hwee Young at the canteen. We hung around for a while before Nicholas Tan came, then we took a taxi to Toa Payoh. In the end, we just stayed at Delifrance for 4 over hours, "studying". Okay actually we really wanted to study, but as usual, we all ended up chatting instead. Oops.
Then I went home at 6 30.
---
4 years in Maris Stella. Memories, bonds, feelings. I was never alone. You were never alone.
I remember I was always living a scandalous life in Maris Stella, and I'm not stupid, because I know people gossip about me, because of the kind of scandals that I get myself into.
I only remember my sec1 year being the most peaceful, when there was no scandal at all, and I felt really the most carefree then.
As the years went on, I just got myself into scandals after scandals, affecting not only myself, but for the people involved as well.
4 years later, and I'm into my 7th crush/love now. Sometimes I feel that I have ruined all their lives, because it is just so. But in the end, I don't really know how they feel, so it only feels right that I should take the blame myself.
But even so, I never walked alone during these 4 years, although I was actually physically usually alone.
I will never forget my peers, especially my classmates over the years, and the people in band. Juniors, seniors, peers. It was somehow really fun to be able to spend time with all these special people.
Also, are the teachers in Maris Stella, whom have cared and shown their very humane sides to use all these years.
Even though there are a lot of things that I dislike about Maris Stella, although there are a lot of things that I've regretted, at the end of this road, it only seems that I couldn't have regretted the muddy, wrong steps that I've always taken.
Thank you, to my peers, CCA members and teachers for all these memories. Although being the selfish person that I am, I know that there will be memories with certain people that will be closer to my heart than any other memory, I am still very grateful and happy to be able to share and create such memories with everyone. Thank you, once again.
---
"Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me"
HAPPY ENDING - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:32 PM
♥ Tuesday, October 07, 2008
I got attacked by a paedophile.
And it's not Han Lao Bei. And this is how the whole incident started...
So, after school, I saw Jack and Zhan Hao at the bus stop (wait I think they saw me... I was there first), and we took 28 together.
On the bus, they mentioned about eating lunch and they asked me to go along... I rejected them because I was kind of tired and I lost my appetite (don't ask why my appetite has been failing these days)...
Then I mean I was adamant about not going, and so were they about me going... In the end, we all got off the same stop at Toa Payoh, and they stopped at some coffee-shop while I went a little across the street to this provision shop to buy some stuff.
Then I was like walking into the instant noodles section, when this guy walked past me. This guy is an uncle. Definitely about 40+ years old, and he's wearing a pink shirt with white stripes. And he looks super formal and business-like (just never thought he would be a freaking paedophile).
Well, he smiled to me, and I smiled back. Because I wanted to courteous. Even though I don't even know him... Then he said hi to me, and I said hi back.
Then while I was looking at the instant noodles, I realized that that uncle had always been next to me. And when I noticed, he started talking.
*Following conversation contains several paraphrases as my mind obviously does not wish to recollect this traumatic incident*
U(ncle): Exams finish ah?
M(e): Yah
U: Oh, what exams you taking now?
M: O' Levels lor
U: Oh, then why you end school so early? (early, hello? It was 1pm!?)
M: I don't know, the timetable is like that
U: Oh, then how old are you?
M: 16
U: Do both your parents work?
M: Yah
U: Then where do you live? In this block?
M: Yeah (this is a lie...)
U: Oh, then you got any siblings? Or are you alone?
M: I have siblings
U: Oh, then where are they now? They are at home?
M: No, they're all working (couldn't be bothered to tell him the whole truth)
U: Oh, so they're all working. And you're alone at home all the time? No one takes care of you? (wtf do I look like I need taking care of when I'm 16?)
M: Yah
U: Oh... Then what do you do at home?
M: Study? O' Levels are coming soon what.
U: Then you don't play games? Don't play internet games? Don't use the internet?
M: Oh, I don't play games.
U: Oh, then good for you lah. You know now everyone uses internet to play games and they XXX (can't remember.)...
M: Yah
U: Yah, internet very dangerous. You got any virus before?
M: No (this is a lie too, but heck.)
U: Oh, must be careful ah, got one time I clicked on this link and I got a virus and my whole computer hanged, then after that got this wallpaper that is er pornography ah
M: O.O oh...
Note: The next part of the conversation is where the perverted paedophile reveals how fucking sick he is.
U: Then do you watch porn?
M: *laughs unwillingly*
U: What kind you prefer? Japanese? American?
M: I don't watch porn. (Hmm...)
U: You sure or not?
M: Yah...
U: Oh, now computer very dangerous, got all this pornography all around. Then your parents put the computer in your room?
M: It's in my hall.
U: Oh, so that's why you don't watch lah. (wtf.)
M: Er... yah.
U: Yah you know my nephew, P6 only and he watch porn already. And he said it's because his P5 friend also started watching already. Can you believe it? So young watch already? You sure you never watch before? You 14 years old (obviously he can't remember my age because he's more interested in finding out if I watch porn) and going through puberty you don't watch porn?
M: I really don't watch porn.
U: Oh... you know ah, I started watching when I was 13 years old. I found this video tape under my father's bed, then you know I curious, so just started watching. It's all American and it was very interesting.
M: Er... okay... Erm, okay I need to go home now... bye bye.
U: Oh okay
Okay, then as I walk out of the provision shop, HE FOLLOWED ME OUT, like I could hear his footsteps, and at the entrance he still said bye again and shook my hand. Wtf?!
And I ran back to the coffeeshop and thankfully Jack and Zhan Hao were still there... omg. I was fortunate to be able to be with them for a while... And then I went home, SO SUPER SCARED that that paedophile would be shadowing me or whatever...
I mean, what's his problem? Why me? I'm so fat and ugly, and I'm selfish, and I'm only capable of robbing people's happiness away... I'm not worth to be his paedophile target.
I hate paedophiles, officially. Like I think they're damn sick. Last time, I wouldn't really care if you're a paedophile, but now... omg better stay away from me. I have a phobia of paedophiles now. Just like how so many of you are homophobic.
I'm scared. I'm traumatized. At that time, I wish that I could see you, so that I wouldn't be so afraid...
Anyway, screw that paedophile. I'm NEVER EVER going to step into that provision shop lest I get targeted again. I HATE HIM!
Gosh, today was actually a fun day, and I wanted to post about all the happy things, like the sex workshop with Mr Kwok, and the gift from Mrs Tan-Chin but... I'm too scared now. I guess, I'll just leave now.
Listened to music @ 10:02 PM
♥ Thursday, October 02, 2008
"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki
"I felt like I found a profile like yours
Far across the road
But I didn't stop anymore
I looked forward and kept walking"
It was - ayumi hamasaki
"I nodded and said to myself, 'It's okay'
Because I'm just so strong"
monochrome - ayumi hamasaki
"Today was very sad
And even if I were to be weeping tomorrow
The day will come when I can say
'There were such days' and smile"
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki
"Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to love you
Even if we can never meet again...
La la la la...
I will never forget"
LOVE ~Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki
"How many times have I sought for something
Found and lost it
Since that time?"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki
"I have sometimes hesitated to be by your side
Being afraid of hurting someone
I learned incorrectly somewhere
The meaning of true tenderness
I will stop caring so much about what others say"
Trust - ayumi hamasaki
"Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of this parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we spent together
Just once, even if it were to be a lie"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki
--------
So, I won't bother you anymore and you'll continue ignoring me. This must be right.
Even if I were to dislike such an ending, I can't do anything now, except to regret and immerse in the overwhelming guilt.
If I were to see you tomorrow, then we should just behave like how you have always wanted to. I hope you'll be happy in this way.
Because the world always throws things that I hate and do not wish to face every day, I was blessed and given your tenderness and the memories...
I think it's pointless to complain to anyone, or to ask questions like, 'Why did you leave me?' or 'Why do you hate me?' or 'Why must such things happen?' because the truth is pretty obvious, isn't it? But of course I think I'll break this promise, so yeah I'll try my best.
Ah, I had it, and lost it. I tried to get it back, but I only made things worse. Now, I'm resigned to my fate.
I realized that I have all along been forcing you to do things that you don't want to do... and it's all my fault. Well, at least you don't have anything to upset you now.
Everything will be fine, because I'm just so strong.
---
2nd October, 1978. A person was born. This person was born to inspire people with her lyrics, her songs, her life, and her music.
Hamasaki Ayumi.
Happy Birthday, Ayu! Today is Ayu's 30th birthday as well as her 10th anniversary in the music industry. I meant 10th anniversary as in this year is the 10th anniversary.
Yeah, 2007 was a horrible year for Ayu... she broke up with her boyfriend, her best friend committed suicide, and she lost the hearing of the left ear.
But still, she stayed strong and continued to be that awe-inspiring person that she has always been, and has since, in 2008, released 2 remix albums, a 10th Anniversary single, a 10th Anniversary Asia tour, and recently, a all singles compilation, A COMPLETE.
Ayu has helped me through many difficult times in my life, and you can tell that a lot of my thinkings are influenced by her thoughts as shown in her lyrics. Her spirit and determination throughout these 10 years have been very inspiring, and I'm sure it's everyone's wish to emulate this magnificient spirit of Ayu.
So, I wish that Ayu would continue with whatever she's doing, and always produce that heartfelt and real music that she has always been doing. Whatever may happen, I'll always be Ayu's fan!
Words can't express the admiration, respect and graditude I have towards Ayu. I remember there were those rare moments when I would feel like dying, and always, Ayu (and of course my friends) were always there, so I never gave up.
I love Ayu!
43 singles. 9 albums. 1 mini-album. 10 years. ayumi hamasaki. Empress of J-Pop.
Happy Birthday, once again!
--------
"This short summer will come to an end
I'll be with you at the moment too
As I know
Nothing is as nice as the ordinary days"
Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki
"If I feel that I need you
And you need me too
It seems that we need no special reason
Don't you feel that a life like this is not bad?"
independent - ayumi hamasaki
"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki
"We will shine more brightly this summer
We certainly feel our heartbeats of excitement
Wherever we may go in the future
Please just make the most of the present"
glitter - ayumi hamasaki
"Let's go across the blue sky
Looking down on the white sand beach
No need to have a serious talk
I need nothing except your smile"
BLUE BIRD - ayumi hamasaki
"Life is transient
But people are strong"
UNITE! - ayumi hamasaki
"So I walk on
You'll walk on too, right?
With light shining on
Our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki
"The sparkling crystals
We have left behind
Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect"
MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:26 PM
