binaryface @bs.com

♥ Thursday, January 31, 2008

Today was a bad day.

I don't know if I said this before, but my class is a notorious class. Maybe you have heard of teachers bitching about certain things in that place they call the Staff Room. Rest assured, their hot topic for this whole week was no doubt, 4I.

Let's start with Monday.

On Monday, a group of people ordered MacDonalds delivery during Physics Practical.

Of course, it just is an act of ordering fast food... how wrong could it be?

Not when the whole world knows that you need to use a handphone to call Macs. And you're a student in a school which doesn't allow you to use handphones. And you're using what you're not supposed to. It's like having sex when you're underage.

So, something happened (in which I know what but I shan't disclose it here) and the teachers know about it. I heard people slammed DK's door in his face or something. I think that's pathetic. It's like you're fighting a war you can't win (great I know the talk on determination and whatsoever but still...).

So, those people who ordered Macs were suspended from class for a day (yes one day is too short... I know...). You might think it's nothing but they lost out on lessons. Sad.

You might think we have learned to stay out of trouble after last year and this Macs thingy. But hey. We don't learn. I'm including 'we' although I didn't do anything because I'll explain the reason later on.

So on Wednesday was Chem Practical. After a nice suan by Ms. Jazilah (one day only ah? - to the suspension), we just did our practical. As always, people played around. But NO ONE knew it would reach this stage.

This classmate, let's call him A. Oh by the way, we were doing experiments to test for gases, so concentrated Hydrochloric Acid was involved. Anyway, A stole a sample of concentrated HCl and concentrated H2SO4.

Now, I didn't know that until after recess when A took the acids out. He wanted to mix them together. Well, according to my lousy Chem knowledge, when two acids are mixed together, nothing's supposed to happen; as in no reaction, no product whatever.

But still, I told A, "You're not wearing goggles. You're not wearing gloves. If anything happens, it's none of our business."

Maybe it's cos of that last line, he just went ahead and did it.

There was effervescence and smoke. Everyone freaked out and scampered around like mice. Then I don't know what happened after that.

So, something happened (once again, I know what happened but I shan't disclose it here). And DK knows about it. This morning, there was a loud commotion and Ms. Jen Goh was shouting at A.

She doesn't sound angry, she doesn't sound aggressive.

She sounded sad, she sounded like she was guilty. Like she was guilty for not teaching A anything? I don't know.

Mr. Chew LH witnessed everything cos it's his lesson anyway.

So A said we saw him taking the acids, and we got sort-of-scolded by Ms. Jen Goh.

But we didn't. A later said that we saw him take it out of his bag in class.

We still scolded cos we 'lacked moral courage to stand up for what is right'. I can't disagree.

I said that thing to A when he took the acids out. But he didn't listen to me and stop. It reflects like how my juniors and peers in my section don't listen to me too. I am really... useless.

So anyway, teacher after teacher came to our class and talked about this thing.

We later went as a class to DK's office after recess.

History repeated itself and we were barred from our class before school starts, and we were to report to him before and after recess.

Needless to say, it was pathetic.

It was like we're some animals and we couldn't stop barking/meowing/making noises and shitting everywhere that the humans need to whack us to make us stfu. How unfortunately.

Am I filled with too much emotion? My eyes pricked with a single drop of tear when Mr. Chew LH was speaking to us after Ms. Jen Goh left the class.

A was wrong. But you see, A couldn't have done what he did if it wasn't for our support.

Yes, we supported him. Indirectly.

I didn't tell him, "A, go for it! Mix the acids" or "A, quick quick go order Macs now!!!" (yes he was involved in both cases)... but I didn't slap him. I didn't report him. I only said that pathetic line (please refer to above to read what).

We supported A, indirectly.

Sometimes, I feel our class is misunderstood.

Take people like Zen for instance. He's not a complete bastard who wants to kill people. He's really not. He's just... mildly retarded, perhaps. Whatever it is, I know that he isn't a bad person.

Neither is anyone from my class, regardless of how much I hate anyone of them.

A, for example, has improved a lot this year. He sits just behind me and I know it. Even Ms. Png was impressed with his attitude towards studies... Ms. Tan LH too! So... I think he just did what he did, because he didn't know (I really don't think he would think all the way to skin allergies and acid vapor). Young and reckless, I would say. God I sound like I'm 50.

But perhaps the thing I was most disturbed about is that A didn't take into consideration of Ms. Jazilah.

She canceled our Chem remedial today. Maybe she has given up on us. You could see her face. It was full of morose. It was full of guilt. It was full of disappointment. And I heard that she cried. She was implicated because of us. She's like a farmer who needs to look after 32 chickens who can't take of them ourselves. Obviously, we can't expect to do it perfectly but still she was scolded by the superiors (I think). I just feel so... guilty towards her.

Another thing I'm sad is that A didn't think of us. We can't have lab anymore now, because of what he did. I would say it's forgive-able to not think of skin allergies and acid vapor but to not think of the class? Too much.

All in all... I don't think my class is incorrigible. Misunderstood, perhaps. Fallen down along this road, perhaps.

I'm not leaving them alone. Though I don't know what I can do now but still...

So, to express my thoughts even better, a song. This time to the class, 4I.

Long, long ago, in the far-off
past, this world was born.

In the ever-repeating history,
we have inherited life.

But from here, the only way
I can tell you this is by
singing this song.

Remember, just one more time
the form this world should have.
And please, don't forget,
please, please don't forget.

Surely no one was hoping for
any of those terrible things.

Hold the flowers to your heart,
and pray that they may some day bloom.

From here, the only way
I can tell you this is by
singing this song;

I'll be happy if you'd lend me
your ear, even just for a little bit.

Remember, just one more time
how we were born, crying, into this world.
Your dreams and hopes for tomorrow
are all in this world.

From here, the only way
I can tell you this is by
singing this song;

I'll be happy if you'd lend me
your ear, even just for a little bit.

Remember, just one more time
the form this world should have.
And please, don't forget,
please, please don't forget.

- 'A Song is born', Ayumi Hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:39 PM

♥ Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Sec3 exco was announced today. It's a good thing to see that you, as an old senior can finally like take a step back... I think it doesn't really matter if you're in the exco or whatever... just seeing the juniors leading the band... it's sort of a happy thing. =)

BUT. We can NEVER have the best of both worlds. While (perhaps) the new exco rejoices and wonders about their new posts,...

And the worst thing is, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW IT FELT. Cos I'm not in the exco either.

I still remember that day, I was so emo and sarcastic! But now, I just seemed emotionless to this whole exco thing... like it doesn't bother me anymore. Perhaps, at this point of time, I've truly fallen in love with band as a CCA, and band as an institute of education and music.

For that person... I hope you wouldn't feel so pessimistic about band. Yes, band gives us a lot of CCA points, but to say that you're staying only for that... I don't believe you.

Yes, I'm assuming now. I don't believe you.

I don't believe that you'd stay in band for the sole reason of CCA points... if anything, I believe that you stayed for everything EXCEPT for CCA points.

Are you saying that you don't care about those friends whom you have made (Yours truly excluded)? Are you saying that they are nothing to you? Are you saying that...?

You see? I refuse to believe that you are such a selfish person.

Please understand that this is not the End of the World. If anything, I'd like to see that I'd be by your side for always... though it doesn't matter to you...

Really, I'd be your side.

Although I wish so much now to initiate a conversation with you... to just let you speak about what you're feeling... you wouldn't want too anyway. Because it's me. I feel so... useless seeing myself being useless.

I don't wish to say this, but I'm afraid that I've fallen in love with THAT PERSON. It's not true, is it? It just can't be... it just can't be...

Just for you... this song.

Your heart began to be scorched
And there was a smell of it
It was the end of your dream
And the beginning of everything

What you adored looked beautiful to you
It became even brighter because you couldn't reach it

The broken pieces of your dream
Pierce my heart
Leaving a pain
That I should never forget

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll scatter my petals alone, quietly

How was the scenery you saw
When you were pushed into an abyss of despair?

Your naked heart is wandering
Having nowhere to go
And it is setting thorns around
For fear of being touched

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly over to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll scatter my petals alone, quietly

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly over to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If I could flow the wind
I would flow beside you
If I could shine like a moon
I would keep shining on you

I'll be anything
If it can stop you from being seized from fear...

- 'Moments', Ayumi Hamasaki

Don't give up! =D

Listened to music @ 10:34 PM

♥ Saturday, January 26, 2008

Life is getting better?

Perhaps it isn't.

Whatever it is, will you stay beside me... and protect me from whatever I may be afraid of?

I am proud to announce that after the Trombones section... my dear Trumpet section will be another section filled with PURE primary school band members. That will happen when I pass out, of course.

Sometimes I feel so extra in my section. Haha.

Anyway, today was the day when the sec1s came. Er why was the announcement for it in Chinese? LOL.

So anyway, we played games.

One game, Whacko... get hit 3 times and you get a penalty.

I did 3 penalties.

So it was... the Trauma dance, hug with Ren Bin and hug with Raymond Gan.

It was just fun... very fun.

As I said in the previous post, I think I've come to a stage in life where I don't need very perfect and beautiful things to make me happy... ironically, it is the small things in life now that I take extra notice... and thus be happy easier.

So anyway, I got the comments that Fredy had written during the audition thing.

Obviously, I'm not going to type everything out... or even anything out.

I'll just say that I'm quite happy with what I got. Because as I said, it's better than what I thought I'd be getting. There are so many suggestions in the comments given by Chien Teng and Fredy, it's not funny. Meaning, I will take them into practice.

You and me--our walking paces,
the vistas we've seen,
and all our experiences
are all different.

For instance,
where I felt despair,
you find
a beautiful flower.

You're here, and I'm here.
That's all. That's everything.

From today, yesterday is
a memory;
From today, tomorrow is
an unknown light.

If desire and chance meet,
I'll jump in
without hesitation,
with no problem.

For instance,
where I felt despair,
you find
a beautiful flower.

You're here, and I'm here.
Forever, to the ends of the earth.

You're here, and I'm here.
That's all. That's everything.

Flower garden - Ayumi Hamasaki

Listened to music @ 10:36 PM

♥ Friday, January 25, 2008

Why am I blogging?

Hmm okay so we went to watch the previous batch get their O Level results which was just SUPER LAME cos we only get to stay for the talks and wtf we need to go back just when they get their results???

Never mind, so after that was the release of Chinese.

I got a.


Omg. A B3 basically means I'll need to drop HCl and take express Chinese. I am going to appeal. I'll try to and even if I can't... I'll just accept it.

Well, next! The happier side of life! Haha.

It was announced that I got a 34.5 for my audition. It's upon 100 by the way. Yes it's a terrible F9 but still... I'm elated for this.

I remembered that last year, there was an audition for SYF too. I think I got like 20 or something over 100 for that audition. Needless to say, it was pathetic.

But this time, I got 34.5! Fine I failed but still... it's an improvement after all.

Perhaps I've come to a stage in life where I don't need dramatic and big things to make me happy, and the smallest improvement or whatsoever can make me on cloud nine.

Okay now for a wonderful quote from the ever wondrous Ayumi Hamasaki.

"I don't have any dreams. How do I say it? I myself am a dream."
- Ayumi Hamasaki

I just love her.

Listened to music @ 10:27 PM

♥ Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I have been thinking of someone lately... though I know I should stop (I'm not talking about Mark, for those who are thinking that way)... So I've found one song that describes my feelings now. It's a sad song but somehow I know I'm not sad. It's a complicated thing but whatever. =D

The summer has come again and again since then
But why am I looking back upon the past again
Tracing the footprints?

I remember everything, even now
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget but I don't want to forget

Did I choose the right way?
But I keenly understand that there is no answer
Whomever I may ask it to

Please tell me someday that you are happy
And smile

I gently lock my memories away
Leaving them to be beautiful

This feeling, this feeling, goes up into the sky
And be dispersed beautifully like fireworks

HANABI ~ episode II ~ - Ayumi Hamasaki

So... things won't be that bad after all. Heck, perhaps I just won't live with that sort of love for now. I mean love comes in many other forms... I don't really need this form for now.

Listened to music @ 7:14 PM

♥ Friday, January 18, 2008

There's too much drama going on now.

I repeat, there's too much drama going on now.

Jack, I pray that you will be fine and everything will be over...

Xing Hao, smile! I can't possibly make you smile because I don't have such an ability but still... frowning uses more muscles on your face! SMILY!

Okay, now for school matters...

School so far has been pretty awesome for me. Besides PE which has always been retarded, I'm actually falling in love with everything else.

BUT, my class still never changes...

Is this common? That you find litter everywhere in the classroom, and teachers scolding us is something expected? I don't know but it's exasperating sometimes.

Miss Tan. 90% of the class hates/dislikes her because of a weird reason. But when you think about it... she really doesn't deserve it. She's a great EL teacher and the skills she has taught us... I doubt any of you BOTHER to listen to them an apply and thus score better.

Mr Chia. OMG. For the love of God, stop bullying him! Mr Chia may not be the greatest in teaching Physics but you know you're gonna complain if Jen Goh comes in as our Physics teacher instead. So? Pitting yourselves against him during lessons isn't doing any one of us good. I can only say that I'm lucky to sit right in front so that I can still ask him questions and listen to him.

Miss Jazillah. Yes, Miss Aida's gone but it's not like we got *insert name of a Chem teacher whom I dislike*. Miss Jazillah is well a good teacher as well. Perhaps you know that, but you aren't showing that.

Maybe you wrote that you want to get an A1 for Chem; perhaps you said that you would pay attention in class in the My Thoughts essay... and so? Actions speak louder than words. Sleeping, talking... how do they justify your desires?

Maybe you study secretly at home. Fine.

But spare a thought for others.

I still say that I'm lucky to sit right at the front. I'm lucky.


Top 20 Quotes

It was the top 10 quotes last time but come on 10 is absolutely TOO LITTLE to express my thoughts.

"Being sad is the same as giving up."
Naturally - Ayumi Hamasaki

"We are free but too free. We can go everywhere and can go nowhere."
everywhere nowhere - Ayumi Hamasaki

"You see? To talk about love or dream is not uncool at all."
INSPIRE - Ayumi Hamasaki

"You can't get beautiful things just by being beautiful."
Beautiful Day - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Fight to win yourself."
Daybreak - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Remember that even when you feel crushed by the weight of the world, there's someone out there who loves you."
Daybreak - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Surely, no one was hoping for any of those horrible things."
A Song is born - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Because I have always defined happiness with my own standards."
Trauma - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Are all people sad? They are forgetful creatures..."
Dearest - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Let's go together, because nothing is as fearful as giving up."
Pride - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Accept the answer, even if it's different from your ideal."
Startin' - Ayumi Hamasaki

"If you want to interrupt me, feel free to your heart's content with words or whatever. I don't waver with such things."
1 LOVE - Ayumi Hamasaki

"If you only look, you will never get it. If you only look, it will never be yours."
Catcher In The Light - Ayumi Hamasaki

"We are meaningless unless we accept ourselves."
WE WISH - Ayumi Hamasaki

"I terribly made one mistake after another, but I've lived so as not to regret my deeds."
Born To Be... - Ayumi Hamasaki

"We are Beautiful Fighters!"
Beautiful Fighters - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Don't laugh so weakly with a resigned look, as if to say 'Such is life...'."
About You - Ayumi Hamasaki

"What can I tell you? I'm just a small and helpless person. That's all I'll say for now because sometimes words are completely powerless."
no more words - Ayumi Hamasaki

"Freedom in the right hand; Love in the left. We'll walk on, embracing both, and stumbling from time to time."
UNITE! - Ayumi Hamasaki

"People are short-lived... but they are strong."
UNITE! - Ayumi Hamasaki

If you have managed to read all the quotes... maybe you'll know that the world isn't such a sad place after all... =D

Listened to music @ 10:21 PM

♥ Thursday, January 17, 2008

Yesterday was the initially much dreaded auditions. I remembering sleeping very late the night before, as my mind projected different scenarios of passing or failing the audition.

The day went by surprisingly fast... it was as though it was some cool effect that my brain is doing.

Finally, it was band. Time crawled as slow as a snail during band! My section was the very last one to go for the audition, so the waiting time is just omg. Of course, I spent MOST of my time going through the scales and practicing my choice piece, though there were times where I did other (stupid) things.

Blah blah blah, five hours had passed. My turn was coming. I remembered Cleon telling me that I don't have to be nervous and afraid of the audition and Nicholas Tan said Fredy was freaking friendly towards the Sec4s! So it was a relief... my shortest relief in my life so far. While reading through the clarinettists' comments sheet and them relating the audition... my heart started to beat fast again. Maybe it wasn't that friendly after all?

In any case, my turn just came. It was quite sudden but heck it. I remembered my two strategies for the audition.

1) Don't look at the judges. Especially Fredy.

2) Play the scales VERY slowly.

I did 1) but I didn't 2). Omg what was going through my mind when I rushed through the scales.

"What's the next note?.... SHIT! I forgot!"

Also, I screwed up the scales big time with my stupidity. Yes I transposed MY dearest A sharp (or was it A flat) Major Scale to the CONCERT and I played the CONCERT key one. OMG! Felt like slapping myself when I realized that.

Another stupid thing was I totally forgot to breathe correctly and using my diaphragm (aren't those supposed to be an instinct?)... Stupid...

On the choice piece, Pirates (oh please that certainly isn't a cheapskate song, for all you who think so)... I screwed up in the high notes and yah... overdid a lot of things that Leslie was telling me the day before.

But, surprisingly, Fredy didn't say that my bar 56 was wrong! Perhaps it was but he didn't say it. So it'll be in the comment sheet (which I presume to be uber long) on Saturday.

Then the omg thing happened at the end when Fredy gave that concluding statement.

"Overall, bad rhythm, bad articulation, (did he say bad intonation as well? can't remember). But your tone, can hear something out of it."

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I don't know this is the how many times Fredy had said something positive about me... though it's certain it's less than five.

That was how it ended.

Obviously, I failed, needless to say. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT... to myself, I did better than what I would expect. I expected myself to get stuck at playing and all that... but I didn't. Half a thumb up for myself! =D If there's going to be a re-audition, I'm gonna add a third strategy.

3) Do not be afraid! The judges are not beasts!

That's right! Haha.

And oh oh I read the comments that Chien Teng wrote and I wondered why he and Fredy (Mr. Chiang) hear us playing and write comments at the same time... extraordinary. The exercises on the top was not new to me but it's certain I'll actually DO them this time round... *BIG slaps to Cleon for calling the exercises "useless"*

Someday before I pass out, I'll be able to blend with Wang Liang and Yang Chin and Bernard and Thomas Ang and Terence and the various chinamen.

So that's about it for the dreaded audition day. I mean the initially dreaded audition day. I'll know what to do next time (but please don't scare me with the scales... I got freaked out when I heard C double flat and double octaves!)!!!

I think band has actually made me realize the essence of working hard. "Little by little" seems to apply the best in band when one cannot expect to be a pro overnight. It might be late but it's better than never (for me). Someday...

By the way, motto for 2008: Leave *insert person's name* alone, but don't leave him/her/it alone.

"If I throw it out and turn back, it's rude to the tears I've shed at that time, isn't it?"
- until that Day..., Ayumi Hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:03 PM

♥ Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Disclaimer: I'm merely taking about fifteen minutes to blog this. The reason why I'm blogging is because... certain things have been going through my head and I'm kind of 'depressed', in a sense, during these few days. I decided that I can only post lyrics and perhaps a few (useless) words of mine.

Listen closely, because I'll keep screaming until you understand:
I've been here, here, here forever.

What is at the end of these half-tiresome
days that are chased by time?

Is it funny to you that I'm rushing
through life? Go ahead and laugh.

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name.
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.
Help me; if you don't, I don't think I can make it.
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.

I entrust my body to the flow of time.
Where will I wash ashore?

Despite my faults, will I be forgiven?
Please tell me.

Please understand, that's not what I'm saying.
Please notice, this isn't what I want.
Please let me go, I don't want to go there.
I've been searching for just one word.

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name.
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.
Help me; if you don't, I don't think I can make it.
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.

Please understand, that's not what I'm saying.
Please notice, this isn't what I want.
Please let me go, I don't want to go there.
I've been searching for just one word.

I am... Ayumi Hamasaki

I said to myself "I'm OK"
And showed my usual smile
I didn't feel in desperation
But in a kind of defiance

I hid my trembling hand
Because their sympathy was so hollow

I don't get warmed
By the half-hearted and artificial warmth
I rather want them to shut their eyes
Until I break into pieces without a trace

I don't want to hear nor speak
The fine words any longer
The pain will be getting worse
So I just accept it

The air is awfully clear
The calm before a storm

What do those people really want to know
With seemingly kindness
Hiding a sharp knife of curiosity
Behind their gentle looking eyes?

What do you really want?
What do you really wish?
Where do you really aim for?
And with whom?

It's the first and the last time
For you to live just as yourself
You should draw your own way
After spreading a big map

(miss)understood - Ayumi Hamasaki

I am... (miss)understood.

I don't know why but that's all I can think of to describe myself. In the past, it was "I am cute!", "I rock!" etc etc... words of self-praise; words that don't hold any meaning at all. If by saying such things gather dislike to me... then why does saying something that makes myself look pathetic seem to gain understanding?

Perhaps you might think that I'm bullshitting now, perhaps you might think this isn't something that I'd say, perhaps you might think that I'm not being serious at all now, perhaps you might think that all I'm capable of is to be a burden and annoyance to others (which is actually true)... I don't care anymore. Leave me alone, if you wish, but please. Don't stay by my side, pretending to be my friend and all that when in the end, where were you when I needed you the most? Note that the 'you' doesn't refer to one person, but really, a group of people. A LARGE group of people.

I understand that it's not easy to be a friend. You want others to see you as a nice friend, someone whom you can confide to, someone perfect? But I understand that no one is perfect, therefore... a perfect friend doesn't exist. Similarly, I'm not a perfect friend or person either. I know that I make mistakes a lot of times, and I'm very grateful to friends whom have forgiven me again and again for my mistakes...

If there could be just one person now to be beside me, and he would listen to what I'm saying... I wouldn't mind if all he said was "mm-hmm" or "oh". At least I know he's listening. Because this is unlike in school when my mouth opened to utter a word, I get cut off already. Thus, building things deep into my heart... is that supposed to be right?

A few months ago, I've not shaken off that side of me that still shows unhappiness and whatever. I aspire to be someone who will smile all the time... but showing a smile that isn't a smile... what's the point?

With every word I say... with every thing I do... does their true meaning hold any value, when what they mean is just what all of you perceive. My chance to explain, oh forget it, I don't have one. Rationales, reasons... are they just excuses to you? So why are all of you giving me rationales?

I'm so sick and tired now... of facing people every day; people who are hypocrites and treating me as 2nd fiddle. Now, now, now, what qualities do I have that make others not treat me as 2nd fiddle and whatever? None? Oh yeah. If it's so... then just leave me alone and don't even bother about me. Faking it... it makes me sick.

I miss going online already. Part and parcel of life? Haha.

*I don't care anymore about what anyone thinks about what I wrote. May they be bullshit or whatever to you... it doesn't affect me anymore. Even if I shall be misunderstood, I hope there is at least one person in this world who wouldn't... wherever you may be.*

I am... (miss)understood

Listened to music @ 9:05 PM

♥ Tuesday, January 08, 2008

You must be wondering why I am blogging now, when I shouldn't even be using the com. But the thing is... I've received a shocking news while I was flipping through the papers when I came back from the school... I'm in total shock now but still I was inspired... inspired by the strength of this extraordinary woman.

I've known this singer for about one year only but I am certain that she is my favorite singer, my favorite entertainer... my inspiration.

I remember I was watching this music video (MV) of a singer (whom I've totally forgotten who...) and while reading the comments left by other viewers, many compared said singer to another singer... calling her a copycat etc. Recalling that Fredy is a fan of this singer, I asked him about her. Naturally, I was introduced to her. While watching and hearing my very first song from her, ourselves, I was instantly impressed by the abstract and beauty of the MV and the vocals, lyrics and style of the song. I was then sent links of more MVs from this singer... and I was hooked.

That was in late 2006.

After that, a few weeks after the release of her album, Secret, I finally bought album. I enjoyed all the songs in the album and was touched by the lyrics. The MVs of certain songs made me smile too. I knew it at that time - this singer will be and is going to be my idol. Indeed she will be.

Till now, I only have A BALLADS, MY STORY, (miss)understood, Secret, A BEST 2 ~Black~ and A BEST 2 ~White~. In all honestly, this 'collection' of mine is really NOTHING compared to many other fans around the world. Fredy, for one, has almost all her singles and all her albums. I still feel a little ashamed listening to songs from her that were downloaded...

From there, I moved onto her live performances, her concerts and her countdown lives. To be honest, her concerts are the best I've ever seen, and it's on par with Madonna's concerts, if not better. Everything just seems to flow... I love how the concert is everlasting while it was lasting. Her costumes were breath-taking, her vocals were wondrous... it was as if everything was perfect.

But now, this news... that this singer is officially deaf on her left ear after visiting a doctor last year... I'm left speechless. But remembering her words in her message... "From here on, I'm going to keep running forward like this~~~!" Yes, we will run together; all your fans and the ones who truly love you... TOGETHER! Hahaha!

This greatest singer and performer... Ayumi Hamasaki.

Yes, Ayu, you are not upset over your problem, so why should we? We will show you that smile, so that you will have that smile too. You wish us to have that everlasting dream... we wish that you will have it too. Kudos to you for deciding to continue performing... until your right ear fails you too... I am touched but I shan't cry. Because although crying isn't a sign of weakness, but I know you would want me, all of us, to laugh with you. So we shall laugh. Haha.

2007 hasn't been a good year for both of us. The death of your bestest friend, the break-up with Tomoya, it was painful. The pain of the absence of a close friend and someone you love... I understand how that feels. But do you know that during those months of depression I had in 2007, it was your lyrics that pulled me through? Being sad, but not knowing why... I didn't like that feeling. But your lyrics helped to convert these feelings of mine into words, into music, into something I comprehend. Because of you, I survived.

I remember smiling and laughing to the fond memories as I listen to songs like HONEY and BLUE BIRD. I remember crying and feeling cold while listening to CAROLS, HANABI and many many many more... I remembering crying AND smiling to songs like Who... & Together When...

With these tears and smile, it was as if I was taught life's most important lessons...

Ayu, I learned the true meaning of love, the thing we all want, something that we can't really find but we know it's there... I learned many things; I learned to be strong... your lyrics taught me that.

Even if I shall fail the audition on the 16th January, I won't give up. Because I remember from until that Day...,

"If I give up now, I'd be rude to the tears I've shed before, isn't it?"

Yes, I will respect those tears... I won't give up; I won't feel sad, because I can always work harder!

Remember that line from WE WISH?

"We are useless unless we accept ourselves."

Perhaps that's what you're trying to show us; accept ourselves... Accepting that your left ear has gone deaf, it's a very courageous thing to do, isn't it? Moreover, my failure will just be a minor one; a stepping stone for myself to get stronger. I must be strong and accept myself... and then I'll be better.

Just like that I've read from your lyrics to know that you've changed from a cynical 20 year old woman who does not believe in love from your A Song For XX days to a mature woman who does believe in love now... ever since your RAINBOW days... I believe I've changed. Perhaps it was a bad thing... but it's not too late to reverse it, is it not?

Because of your faith, I have faith in myself too... 2007 was a bad year indeed... but 2008 will be better; because we accept ourselves.

Ayu, to your 10th Anniversary, TOGETHER~~~!!!!

So, we will be smiley... facing the sky.

I am proud to know this singer, I am proud to know Ayu. I am proud to be myself.

Once again, as you wrote in AUDIENCE...

"If one of you yells 'YES!' then I'll get in line and yell 'YES!' as well."

Since you initiated the YES!, we'll get in line with you and yell YES! too! Hahaha.

Yes, Ayu, GANBARU~!

We will take that big step... for TOMORROW!

Disclaimer: I am not the greatest fan of Ayu but I know for certain to myself that I posted this post as a reflection of my thoughts towards Ayu and my reaction towards her news. No one reads this blog anyways, so it's definitely okay.


Listened to music @ 9:02 PM