binaryface @bs.com

♥ Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"I heartily hope that you will not be
A victim of this sad age
I sing this song today just as I pray
So that my dearest wish may reach you"
ANGEL'S SONG - ayumi hamasaki


I made them promise me that they would always be nice to you, and to not make you feel sad.

Because I am so useless myself, I can't even protect you with my own hands... I feel really pathetic but, what else can I do?

I vowed not to return to main band anymore but Miss Lee made an announcement for all band members to meet at the band room...

It was like I keep wondering why do such things happen.

I really don't want to go back to main band, I really don't want you to see me anymore, I really don't want to make you feel unhappy...

So I just said no and left the band room.

And I felt such pain and heartbreak as I went home... and strangely, the journey home today seems to be so much longer and boring...

And when I went home, things are just perfect. I saw my brother at home and the usual insults and kao pei-ing starts and really, I wish I was dead then.

Ever since Monday, I have been feeling unwell, have been having bad days... and that usual warmth from you could never come again.

Were those days lies? Was nothing real? Maybe they were, or so I thought.

But Miss Tan said it so perfectly today, when she was talking about rapport and human relationships...

"We shared so many months together, how can you not feel anything?"

And I thought, yes it suits me very well too.

Of course, being the sane and realistic person that I am, I don't mean feelings as in romantic love.

But not even as a friend?

Because I held that belief, I believed that there was no way you could have faked and acted out everything... it's just humanly impossible...

I don't think anyone has to such extents to deal with someone they abhor.

So, once again, your feelings are a mystery, though I already have an answer inside.

I mean, you talked with Xing Hao today, commenting on his hair, and then I saw you talking to him again at the band room.

And you hugged Justin Yap in the band room too.

I know that you will never hug me. Let's be really realistic here.

Am I jealous? Maybe I am. But as always, I know that your actions are grounded. I am really not the coolest, or the nicest, or the pro-est senior... perhaps it doesn't matter, but still you don't have to remember me or the past few months if you don't want to.

I mean you probably don't want to.


Even if I am your most hated person, even if you hate me now and ever since I don't know when, even if you wish I didn't exist, even if you won't treat me like how you treat other people, even if I am really just nothing to you...

I will continue to pray for your happiness, and to always wish that you will be happy.

And the best way I can make my wishes come true is to disappear from your sight.

After all, I can always remember the past. They are really beautiful.

Even if I can say now that you probably don't bother about me anymore, I can say with pride that in the past, perhaps things were a little different.

Just for that, I feel contented.

Also, at least you are still nice and sociable to other people. Even if it's not towards me, at least to others. Isn't that what's most important? That you remain as yourself - a very friendly and nice person, always and always? As long as you have the freedom to be yourself, I don't mind if I can be with you or not.

For you to protect that dream, I couldn't be with you.


"Surely, that day
The two of us touched love"
HEAVEN - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:36 PM

♥ Tuesday, July 29, 2008

"My love for you is the last forever to me"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki


I thought today would be okay. I thought every day would be okay. I really foolishly thought that everything would be fine as long as I think it's fine, and just be happy about the simplest things.

But... where are the simple things?

After the bad cough and flu last week, this week, a new disease has manifested in my body.

During the Physics GEP today, I had a bad stomachache and it really isn't the sort where you rush to the toilet to clear your bowels.

It was that sort of stomachache that felt like so painful, and you wonder if you had food poisoning or if you had some appendix problem.

It was so painful... and I already had a bad headache ever since the previous night...

Then on my home, I remembered I was clutching my tummy and wishing that the pain would go away...

Despite all these physical pain, the most painful pain that lingered... was the heartache.

It was like this very empty feeling in your chest and you feel cold and shivery... because you are lonely and afraid...

Three formidable pains, all inside me. I almost felt like crying.

Anyway, I staggered home and rested and eventually the stomachache went away but the headache is still here, and no the heartache will never fade away...

And just when I thought everything was fine already, suddenly I had this queasy feeling in my stomach, like I felt so bloated that I lost my appetite for dinner... and really like vomiting. I tried but nothing came out so I just sat here, blogging, enduring pain from everywhere...

And I really wonder, why can't people leave me alone?

Wherever I go in school, people either start laughing, or they starting shouting someone's name... or they start hitting and touching me.

I'm really, really, really sick and tired.

The only times when I remembered myself being left alone was when I cried.

Must I actually cry to make people shut the fuck up? I think that's really pathetic...

Really, I just want people to leave me alone, to just stop doing all that stupid callings, to stop all that beatings.

I am already suffering from so much pain, I don't need anymore?

And once again, I thought of killing myself, or slashing my wrists.

You see, I guess I am a very ultimate kind of hypocrite. Because I never practise what I preach.

I remember telling other people who have relationship problems that they must leave that person and start life afresh.

I remember telling Hendrik that suicide is wrong and that there are many more beautiful things in life to live for.

I remember telling other people to stay cheerful and happy.

But what about me?

I can't do anything that I told others to do. I can't stay happy, I can't forget about him, I can't live without him.

I can't live without him.

It's like ever since I know about the truth, I get a bad cough and flu last week, and this week I am burdened with all these ailments.

Really, what excuse can I make for this wave of pain?

Right now, I am only remembering and holding on to the many many beautiful memories with him in the past to continue walking.

I mean, is there anything else that can keep me alive?

I wish so much for him to talk to me again, but...

I am only looking at him from somewhere far away...

I can only blame myself, right?


"My love for you is my last courage"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki

Crying... I can only do that.

Listened to music @ 7:40 PM

♥ Monday, July 28, 2008

"The sky that I saw was beautiful
If only I could be strong and move forward
Just like you"
walking proud - ayumi hamasaki


After searching, I have found it. I have the found the answer.

No matter how sad and painful that answer is, it's still reality. And I still have to accept it.

The fact that you hate me. A lot.

I mean, I always thought that perhaps you don't hate me, and you have some sort of another kind of feeling that even I don't know of... and it brought me some hope.

But, I guess I was too naive.

I still remember how I used to be so obstinate and refuse to believe anything that anyone else says about you, especially when they tell me that you really hate me. I would say that I would only believe what you told me.

I guess, I was always wrong.

You have never liked me as a friend. You have always hated me to the core.

You didn't tell me that you hate me, but I know it because two different people told me the same thing relating to a particular situation. Surely, they wouldn't be lying.

The irony is that, after I know that you hate me, people suddenly start coming up to me to tell me that you don't hate me, that you care about me...

A part of me tells me to believe those words; I know I'll be happy.

But... no matter how I believe them, and deceive myself, the fact that you hate me still remains a reality. And I realized that I can never run away from reality no matter how hard I try, because it never fails to manifest itself in front of my eyes.

Just like today, when you ignored me on all three times that we met each other.

It's like, when I see other people actually saying hi to you, and they do stupid stuff like hugging you... I ask myself, "Why can't I do that?"

And I start to wonder why do you ignore me like you don't even know me at all...

Before I get pulled back to the facts. Reality check: you hate me a lot.

So you're not supposed to be nice to me or to talk to me.

I realized that... and withdraw my feelings yet again.

And then on the bus, I tried to join in the conversation, so that you would talk to me. And I failed horribly. I mean you just flat out ignored me.

And once again, it just shows that you hate me. Not forgetting with concrete evidence from the fact that you blocked me from MSN.

But, if you hated me from the start, then what do all those happy moments mean? Were they all lies? Did you make them by accident?

Maybe I should be angry. Maybe I should hate you too for those happy moments that are just fabricated lies.

But strangely, I don't feel hatred or wrath. I feel a sense of resentment. Towards myself.

Perhaps none of this would have happened if I hadn't been so useless.

If I could be more smart, and prevented you from getting humiliated by everyone...

I mean, everyone must have thought that you are a very cool person, playing soccer and being the person that you are.

But because of me... I wonder if... people think of you as someone laughable and uncool now, just like myself.

I know it's my fault. It has always been.

But still, even if all the fun times were lies, I can only linger in them, and live in the past. Because if not... I couldn't be happy anymore.

I know there are still times when I wished so strongly that you could still be nice to me, that you could still see me and say hi, that you could be nice to me like in the past...

But reality is just too cruel.

I'm not someone important to you. I'm nothing to you.

If it's so, then I'm sure you would be happier now.

I am a useless burden to you.

But, since I know that you hate me, I can give more. I don't have any more reservations now, and I don't have to try to guess anymore.

Because, the truth is so stark - you abhor me.

So, I can just continue giving, in a way that you wouldn't know, if not you'll just be unhappy all over again.

Love is not a partnership. Love is giving; just giving more and more and more... when you have given everything... that is Love.

I really believe that way.

Wow, why am I still hoping that you don't hate me?


It's the blatant truth. Accept it.

I'm still grateful that I have these memories to keep with me. Though I'm trying very hard now to appear happy in front of you... it's very hard but I can do it.

Now that I am not going to ever return to main band... that thought gives you the thrills, right? Well, no big surprise, since you hate me so much.

But I still want to see you. And I will do so, seeing from somewhere far away...

Maybe (oh wow the delusions) you just don't know anything; you just don't know the sort of impact you have on me; you just don't know that your words and actions are so important to me.

But they are not anymore. For I know that you truly hate me.

So, the delusion is invalid.

I can only move on slowly, while you stay happy, or I suppose even happier than before.

That day was far away, beautiful, and I will cherish it.

Just for that, I have the strength to walk on.

It's because of you. That I could have such days.


"So I walk on
You'll go too, won't you?
With light shining
On our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki

Everything is over... and done with. I wish you could always be happy...

Listened to music @ 3:37 PM

♥ Sunday, July 27, 2008

"I leave this song here
Instead of saying good-bye
I hope you will walk on without giving up
Till the time we can meet again"
Replace - ayumi hamasaki


I won't be sad anymore.

Every day, I get to know of new things, and to realize old things. Honestly, I still believe that perhaps you would be able to remember me and our days and laugh at the fun in them.

But even if you don't, I guess it's okay too.

Because I have never expected you to do anything.

Do you hate me? You care about me? Really, I don't know. It's like different people around me have such different opinions about this whole incident, that... hey, who am I supposed to listen? Except to listen to everything that everyone said and come up with my own conclusion, with support from your words and actions. It's painful and confusing but heck it.

So you will continue on with your life, without me interfering anymore, while I will continue on with my life too, perhaps occasionally asking questions about you.

I won't cry that it was over, but rather, I think I will smile that it happened.


26th July, 2008.

Maris Stella Alumni Symphonic Band has made History again.

I am so proud to announce that we are the TOP BAND of the Open Division of the Singapore International Band Festival (SIBF), beating the Assumption College Lampang Symphonic Band from Thailand, Tom Lee Hong Kong Youth Neowinds Orchestra from Hong Kong and Anglo-Chinese School Independent Symphonic Band!!!

This whole month of July has been so hectic and busy that I feel asleep on the bus to school every morning (something I have never done before)!!!

Anyway, I remember reaching the school at um 2pm and started to slack and lame around first before starting the practice.

Mr. Lin came and rehearsed Air with us, and I could tell he was kind of apprehensive about Air because I mean we only sightread that piece like the previous night? And he also mentioned something about our disappointing attitude and discipline... which was kind of depressing but oh well.

Then had one hour of sectionals where I finally cleared section S & T of Hymn to the Sun!

Then had full band with Mr. Chiang and then there was dinner and off we go!

Ever since I know that we are into the Finals, I always thought that we would definitely get the 4th place because the other bands were really just that good.

So at the Esplanade, when we were at the Lobby getting our passes and all... the nostalgia ran through my whole body and immediately I just remembered everything that happened on the 15th April all over again.

So, it was just a little sad.

Then, we went into the holding room with the Hong Kong band, and behold, the holding room was the room where the waterbottle drama happened... nostalgia, all over again.

So much so that I could only walk out of the room and linger around the corridor...

Thankfully, I had Garrett, Jia Wei and Saw to talk to get rid of that negative feeling.

So gradually, that nostalgia faded away as I reminded myself that I should be happy and grateful for everything that happened. I'm here for a competition! Not to emo over things that I shouldn't emo over!

And then, as if to reward me for such a thinking, the interesting things started happening...

We took the cargo lift with our instruments to go into the tuning room. Then the lift was jam-packed with tons of people and I was so apprehensive of entering... that when I did, this helper girl started laughing and I mean it was kind of embarrassing, I suppose...

And then we tuned and all that, and it was our turn to compete.

While waiting at the backstage and all, I managed to listen to ACS(I)'s playing and omg I was so stunned... cos they really sounded so good and my thought of us getting 4th was like reaffirmed.

But oh well, heck it, I thought, I should just playing as per normal.

Sunshine Breeze March was pretty good, I think it gave the audience a happy and poppy start to our performance.

Then it was Chosen. When Douglas went on with his solo, I seriously thought that he improved so much from Thursday... however, this song had minor screw ups here and there but who cares? We are still TOP BAND!!!

Then it was my favorite song from this list, Air from the Celtic Folk Song Suite. It was like we let the audience listen to this very gentle and dreamy song... reminds me of fairies, waterfalls, rainbows and nostalgia...

Finally, it was Hymn to the Sun the last song. Suddenly, the Hymn was like our GREATEST HIT thing or something because I really remember playing this song so often...

Okay after we were done, we went back to the holding room, where that same girl in the left was opening the door for us, and then when she saw me, she was like, "xing ku ni men le!!!" in her super dolly-girlish voice which I thought was so cute! So anyway I just laughed and thanked her.

Then, Xing Hao was like saying that he wanted to take a photo with her so I just tagged along. And after he was done, the girl was like asking me if I want to take photos too... like do I have a jealous face? Cos I HONESTLY am not jealous, seeing as how I will never be interested.

But anyway, I just took photos for the fun of it and I did something pretty bad but trust me it wasn't intentional! If you want to know, just ask me cos it's too embarrassing to put it here.

Then after that, Xing Hao said he wanted her number... so I made a deal/dare with him and ha, you'll know more soon.

So when went to the choir gallery to listen for the results, I saw her again and I told her, 'my friend wants your number' and omg Xing Hao asked for her number!

Then she ran to where he sat later on and passed him his phone which made everyone go like "oooo"!

Okay, back to SIBF.

Everyone was so scared and when the emcee was about to announce the fourth place, I was like expecting him to say, 'Maris...' but NO! The fourth place was like the Thailand band and then I was so happy cos that means we are third!

Then the third band was announced... I was expecting the emcee to say, "Maris..." but NO! He said the HK band and everyone was like WTFOMGBBQ?! at our amazing feat of 2nd place...

But somehow I was hoping for top band, so I was like squeezing Nic Wu's hands... and when the emcee announced 2nd, I really could envision him saying 'Maris...' but NO! He said ACS(I) which means that...


I remembered we all started jumping and screaming... and I bet there are people who thought we were ACS(I) in which it's so weird to why we're screaming...


And we sang the school song and the emcee was like giving that impatient body language but HECK IT!

I heard that Jia Wei and Saw and some others were like screaming and running around the holding room area and the security guard scolded them... lol.

So, with highness and happiness... Xing Hao hugged Evelyn! Xing Hao, you are a THREE-TIMER.

And honestly, doing all that with her doesn't prove me anything cos I took a photo with Evelyn too but does it mean I'm straight? No, I'm still gay!

So HA you are still a Three-timer.

Anyway, on our back to school, we saw the Assumption College and they were so friendly! They kept saying that we played very well and did that thumbs-up things... thank you!

Then, on the bus, we saw them again!

Then I did this sawadikap thing to one of the girls and she did it back to me. Oh yeah.

Anyway, went back to school and camwhored and just went crazy.

Wanted to eat with the others but was so tired and it was so late (like 12 45...) so I just went home.

And here I am.

What I want:
1) my photo with Evelyn!
2) photos taken at the band room!

I want to thank...

1) Mr. Chiang for really everything. Oh by the way, congratulations for your triple joy this year!

2) Mr. Lin for all the tuning issues and the BALL theory... I think we really did that ball thing!

3) Fredy. Because I love you. No I'm kidding, it's because you're Fredy.

4) Loo Kit, Ronny and Clement. I wouldn't know of a lot of things if not for you guys! Thank you!

5) Everyone else. We made that miracle, together.

So, yeah, 26th July, 2008. Unforgettable day.

And uh-uh-uh, we got the $10k!



"I wanted to say 'I love you'
But I couldn't say 'I love you'
I felt that it was my biggest lie
And the truth"
Together When... - ayumi hamasaki

I have never said, "I love you" to you before... maybe except for the other time when I said, "daisukidayo" but heck you don't know what it meant.

Perhaps it was good this way.

Listened to music @ 8:25 PM

♥ Friday, July 25, 2008

"We ran through the road to the sea
Screaming with laughter innocently
In the far away summer days"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki


This summer was the most beautiful summer that I ever had. By summer, I'm taking all the months that are considered summer in different countries, and have personally decided summer to be between May and July.

Yes, I felt that I had a lot of fun this summer. It makes me so exhilarated whenever I remember the happy and unhappy times that I had with him during these few months.

Because this summer was too beautiful, I don't wish to ruin it by being sad because it was over, or because I realized something else.

So, I wish to be happy and grateful for this summer, and all the events and memories that I have with him.

Even if these days might have been all lies, even if at the end of everything, he still hates me so much, even if I couldn't get to see him anymore...

At least I know what we did, and how happy we were, or at least I was.

Because of that, I don't think I can bring myself to be sad anymore. It's time to celebrate the beautiful memories of this summer!

And I will always love you until that day when my feelings fade away. And I will always be somewhere near you, though I hope you wouldn't know. And I will look at you from somewhere far, far away, and I hope you would never notice.

I know that you would be so much happier now. No one will be there to 'block' your view, no one will be there to make others speculate and humiliate you.

You really don't have to put up with anymore of these anymore.

This Saturday will be the start of my total disappearance from main band. Finally I can wake up at 9am on Saturday mornings!

But all of you can think that I'm very sad or emo but really, I'm not. Perhaps I might sometimes be but still, I know I'm happy to have the memories.

The memories with him.

This summer may have ended, but my love for you, and the memories from this summer, will not end.


"Today was very sad, and even if I were to cry tomorrow, someday the time will come that I can laugh and remember the times we had together."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki


Anyway, this week has just been hectic! Except for Tuesday, I have been returning at 10-12pm/am this whole week!

SIBF semi-finals was held yesterday and Maris Stella Alumni got its first silver. Sounds disappointing? Well sort of, since we're just 0.87% from a Gold.

But we're one of the Top 4 bands of the Open division, which means that we're into the Finals tomorrow! And again, finally, after tomorrow, I can take a good rest and study.

I think we have really shown everyone that we're on par with the overseas band.

Busy, busy, busy!

I hope I don't fall sick after all these because I really need to study.

And we're going to the Esplanade for the Finals! Ah, the Esplanade, the place of fond memories on the 15th April...

I'm really happy at everything!

Life's good!

Listened to music @ 1:07 PM

♥ Thursday, July 24, 2008

"I remember everything even till now
Your voice calling my name, your casual habits
I want to forget, but I don't want to forget"
HANABI ~episode II~ - ayumi hamasaki


I walked along the corridor that had you in it, and you happened to walk out of your classroom just as I approached it.

You saw me and you called my name, and said yo. Suddenly, it feels like I have seen that somewhere, so far away, and I realized that it's happening right before my eyes.

And then I started to infer what you have done, and I told myself that there must be a reason to why you are so fluctuating to me, so erratic to me.

I started to wonder that perhaps it was a mistake that I have done...

Because I don't know how you feel, your every word and action towards me is so important, because it helps me to know how you feel.

In front of me, you are nice to me sometimes, and sometimes I am like the normal person.

Behind me, you said that it was better without me around.

Which is the truth? Which is the lie? Even I am confused now.

But still, the answer is so obvious right?

At least now I'm not going back to main band anymore; I hope that helps to make you be happier.

I know I am a bother, always sticking next to you, and always there, though I was never needed.

Perhaps I am an eyesore to you, perhaps you really find me irritating.

Whatever it is, I don't have a chance to be your burden anymore. I have made a decision not to go to main band anymore, and initially it was because I wanted to study and to save you from humiliation from others.

Now, it's more like because I just wanted to stay away from you so that you can be happy. Really happy.

Even now, as I look back and think of the days that we spent together, they feel so real. But in reality, I know it too well, that they are mere lies.

But even so, still I am grateful that you bothered to lie to me, and thus you give me these beautiful memories.

After you blocked me from MSN.

I really am...


"I remember I went to sleep late that night feeling uneasy
And had a very sad dream
The phone started to ring in the morning, breaking the silence
And the premonition became a reality
Leaving an unfading scar on my heart
You became a star by yourself

Good-bye, you have gone to the place we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of this eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I certainly had been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

The sorrow that I thought to be endless has come to an end
The season has changed; I feel bitterly cold
I will never forget that first day of summer
The sky kept on weeping instead of me this year
I feel as if I were living in the continuation of the dream
And I can't even cry now

Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of this parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we spent together
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Why did you do it this way -
Leaving memories to the very end?

Good-bye, you have gone to the place we can never meet again
I can't accept the coldness of this eternal parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That I certainly had been loved by you
Only once, even if it had been a lie

Please tell me that this is only the story of the continuing dream
And that I'm not yet awake"

Memorial address- ayumi hamasaki

A song that shows how I feel now.

Listened to music @ 12:23 AM

♥ Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"I miss you so much
I don't want to be away from you
I miss you so much
I will always love you"
Daisuki da yo (I really love you) - Ai Otsuka


Because I remembered I said, "Daisuki da yo" to him once and he didn't know what it meant...

I remembered that Fredy told me on Sunday night that he asked where I was, because he thought that I followed the whole bunch of them to KFC.

I don't know why, but I felt a sense of happiness when I heard that. Perhaps as how Fredy said it, it's the first time he had actually asked where I was.


Because I was so selfish and paranoid, I thought Fredy lied to me so that I could be happy. So I decided to ask Justin Yap this morning if he really said that.

And Justin said yes.

And he said that there's a later part to it.

And I was stunned for a second, before I insisted that Justin tell me what it is.

I remember telling Justin that I was ready for any answer, because I already had one in my mind.

And Justin asked me what answer I had in my mind.

And I answered that he must have said something about things being better because of that (my absence).

And Justin nodded his head.

Suddenly, it felt like time stopped. I thought I had convinced myself of an answer, the answer that was the truth, and had told myself to smile and not to be affected by it.

But it was so wrong. My thoughts were so wrong.

I can't bring myself to accept that answer. I really wanted something else. I really do.

And I lost all my appetite. And I pushed my plate of food that's like half-eaten away and lied on the canteen table.

I just thought of certain things of the past, and then tears started falling. Like I felt I was bawling for the first time in many months.

I didn't understand. I couldn't accept. So I just cried... and cried.

It was not because of the fact that I couldn't see him anymore that made me sad. It was the fact that after all these months, he still abhorred me as much... that really made me feel depressed.

I really don't want to cry. And it was ever so embarrassing to cry at the canteen before morning assembly (thank goodness it's not during recess!)...

I felt so lost at that point of time. I only know that nothing is going to stop so somehow I have to attend morning assembly.

And with a tissue paper in my hand, wiping away my tears, I ran up the stairs. And the wind was blowing against my face gently, telling me that this is not an illusion. I just want to continue running, not wanting to stop and to face the wondering faces of other people.

Then later on, during English, Miss Tan had this interesting lesson on Faith with us and we were just discussing about it.

And I had so many thoughts after that I felt not as sad as before. It's really extraordinary.

Then at recess, I saw him, for the first time of this day that I realized the saddening truth. And I told myself that I must not appear sad in front of him, because I don't want to emotionally blackmail him again, because I just want him to continue on with his life, after all, it's finally that I won't ever be involved in his life again. Of course though, it's not like even if he knows that I'm sad that will make any difference...

So I smiled; a smile with no happiness, and laugh for no particular reason.

During the whole day, many things about him were running through my mind. I thought about the past seven months and everything that we did, and then that question popped again.

Seven months? And in the end, he still hates me so much. Why?

I must have done something wrong, I suppose.

Though I said that I have full trust in him, and that I would only believe in what he tells me, this time... it feels different.

I still can't see why Justin Yap would want to lie to me. He has no motive or purpose for doing that. So it has to be truth. Unless, of course, someone could tell me it's not the truth.

But for now, everything is gone.

Even though I don't and could never understand why he would bother being nice to me in the first place if he really hates me... at least I know how he feels now.

At least I know that he hates me. I went round and round, trying hard to find an answer, and I have finally found it. So that was what he was feeling all these months. Though it feels painfully sad now, at least I have the memories of the past that made me so happy...

I doubt he remembers anything, or even bothered to. I doubt there's anything about me that he would remember. I doubt he would feel sad in any way when he knows that I won't ever step into main band anymore. He may not feel in such a way, but I know that I do.

So, like a child using all of his strength..., good-bye.

Sometimes, to feel better, all we have to do is to think things in a different perception. So I will try to do that now.

My absence, my disappearance, my removal from his life must be something good for him. At least he doesn't have to face someone like me anymore. Since he really hates me, then what a pain it must have been to pretend to be nice to me. He doesn't have to do that anymore.

And I won't be his burden anymore.

Maybe that should be something to celebrate.

I know I can search for memories of the same kind of happiness when I was with him. Because of that, I shouldn't be so upset.

If there's anything that he has given me, then it would be all these beautiful memories.

I'll think of him; I'll still love him, I know. But I really have to move on too.

Though the sadness might not be as intense as this morning, the mark that was left behind never fades, as if destined to stay on my heart forever...

Tomorrow will be the first day where I will try very hard not to step into main band! Wish me luck, though I know I will succeed. I am determined to stay away from him.

Please don't rain anymore tomorrow, please don't try to encourage me to cry too...


"If we couldn't meet each other
I couldn't laugh this way like when I'm with you
This year, the happiest thing is
Being able to stay by your side"
Cherish - Ai Otsuka

Listened to music @ 7:56 PM

♥ Monday, July 21, 2008

Well, today is school day on a rainy and tiring Monday. Come to think of it, the weekend before this day was so chaotic and messy!

Anyway, I woke up super early today so I ended up going to school much earlier. Then somehow the shutters weren't open yet so a lot of people were at the canteen. Then that stupid big mouth Nicholas Chew... oh my God stop spreading stuff around! Now even Marcus knows it. Wow, like wow.

Okay blah blah blah lessons started.

First two periods was Physics Practical and whenever I walk towards the Physics lab, I noticed that Seung Hwa is ALWAYS sitting next to that girl from Gao Xin Number 1 High School lah. Pervert!

Anyway, the experiment was done without the fan which made things so uncomfortable... I hope the weather would be much cooler on the O' Levels Practical Exams itself...

Then it was English. And I think Miss Tan had PMS or something. Like she just shouted for no reason and um it was quite scary.

Then it was the much awaited Lit! As usual, Xing Hao, Nicholas Tan and I sat together and talked and talked and talked through the two periods! Had fun, honestly.

Okay then it was recess, nothing special.

Then it was like free period next cos it was A-Maths and I don't take A-Maths. Then it was RME but we needed to take class photographs so yeah we did so.

And while waiting, some guy in 4J actually broke the glass windows along the lab corridor, and it happened twice. And like Mr Kwok started scolding that class and my class too! I mean oh my God we didn't do anything wrong in the first place... what unjustification.

Speaking of Mr Kwok, when I went back to school for Alumni in the evening, he saw me and lol he said no Japanese slippers or something and he actually knows that I'm from band. Oh gosh.

Okay anyways after taking photos, it was Hall Assembly about Racial Harmony which was well the usual stuff. Then went to have lunch at the Primary school canteen before taking 28 home.

Then I left for Alumni about 3 hours later.

Then Alumni practice today was like 3 hours and kind of productive... though the tension and pressure building up wasn't to my liking, especially since I'm suffering from a shitty cough and something else...

Then went home and here I am. Yay.


"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream couldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated - ayumi hamasaki

*the first day Without You*
Monday, 21st July.

I remembered that I was feeling hopeful and bittersweet yesterday, honestly believing that somehow things would be better.

But today, I really got to know how wrong my beliefs were.

I mean okay during recess, you ignored me, as usual and expected. But after Hall Assembly, I know that you saw me at the corridor and... you ignored me again. I mean you were alone right? And really I was expecting you to give your usual adorable acknowledge but...

I guess, maybe that's how you really feel.

That you have never liked me and no one knows why you could treat me so nicely at those times too.

I mean yesterday was the last day that I could see you, and so I asked if I could take a photo with you and you only said a no.

And the many things that happened yesterday... it makes me feel so upset about how everything ended like that.

I mean, is this the kind of ending that is meant to happen?

And then I try to give myself excuses like how you actually don't even know that yesterday was my last day.

But even if you do, so what?

I mean that's what happens when you really dislike and hate someone, you just don't care whatever that happens to that person.

And well yesterday I was still thinking if you would actually miss me or anything when you suddenly realized that I'm not in main band anymore.

I know, how stupid, corny, funny and selfish these thoughts are. But hey, I really thought of them.

And I just kind of laughed. But still... I mean I suppose you would be living normally, even happier without my presence.

I don't wish to be your burden and to bring you more embarrassment anymore, which was why I decided to not return main band anymore, until maybe band camp.

I could only feel this tinge of regret of having such a shitty ending... but what else can I say? Maybe it's all fated.

But, no matter how I try to tell myself that you don't know anything and you're just being yourself, doing everything unintentionally... your every word and action, including blocking me from MSN, has told me the truth.

"I didn't ask you such an absurd and stupid question as
'Why isn't it me?'
But you looked like a stranger to me
And I just felt you were far away"
is this LOVE? - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 11:10 PM

♥ Sunday, July 20, 2008

Saturday, 19th July, 2008.

"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile one day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki


Saturday was a happy and fun day, I suppose. Somehow, I felt that I could be posting this much happier and with exclamation marks everywhere, but because I'm only blogging about yesterday today, everything changed...

Anyway, I want this post about Saturday to be happy, so I will try.

I went to main band and he asked me why I'm so enthu and always come.

I mean, isn't that like so ironic and funny? Of course I go to main band just to see him, if not why else would I bother to go? But of course I can't tell him the truth so I just laughed and lied/said that I had alumni afterwards.

Then at the hall, I told him that I bought FHM and it was in my bag in the band room. Haha then he had that super excited face... which was so adorable.

Anyway, at the hall, we played Sway, and then ABBA Gold. So after Sway, he said that he has no parts to play (a big lie) in ABBA Gold so he asked me to go to the band room with him so that he can read the FHM.

So we went to the band room and... we just spent time there together as I watched him eating and reading the FHM (Leslie could be counted as transparent). A fun time? I suppose so. I could really remember how happy I was at that time, when it was just the two of us.

Then during full band, I was by his side and Mr. Chiang teased me! He asked me why I'm always there (as in the Percussion area) and wow it was so embarrassing can. Anyway, I had fun again because I could be by his side, and laugh with him about the stupid things that happen.

Then we went to Macs to eat (cos Alumni started at 3) and then I was so stupid, not buying anything yet, just waiting outside for him to come after he has played his soccer.

Well he came anyway but I couldn't sit with him so oh well. Then all the retarded but fun Mr. Wobbles jokes started coming up... and then I felt so happy again.

And the day ended on a beautiful note.

"Everything was shining, nothing to fear
And I was pursuing nothing but the beautiful dreams"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki


Sunday, 20th July, 2008.

"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we come to want too much?
Though it should just be enough that we are close"
It was - ayumi hamsaki


Because I couldn't understand that, and am a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself, I've hurt myself again.

Today was the last day of main band for me, because I felt that I had no more excuses to return anymore...

So... I wanted this last day to be beautiful.

But because I wanted it so much, all the more I couldn't get it.

Right from the start at the band room, he was already treating me as non-existent. And then it got worse and worse and worse and worse and worse...

I remember at the Botanic Gardens where the bunch of us were waiting and guarding the percussion instruments backstage, he said I'm sometimes very irritating, just because I was blocking his view of something.

And then, my heart sank and I thought that perhaps... he has always thought of me as such.

But I told myself that I really just want him to be happy and to smile, so I felt a little happy that I could still be by his side.

As long as I could be by his side, I don't mind whatever other people say, or anything that happens.

Or so that was what I thought.

Anyway, after our performance, I was taking photos for the percussion backstage and then we just walked around to find drinks... and even though he wasn't talking to me or anything, in my heart was still a sense of happiness and a feeling of gratitude that I could be near him.

But when we returned to school... James was making an announcement which involved the percussion section staying back, and because I didn't know what the purpose of staying back was, I shouted "for what!?".

And then Fredy heard it and he scolded me which was still all right at that moment. But afterwards he wanted to see me and...

He scolded me again. And... it feels really painful to try to recall everything he said so I guess I'll mention the important stuff. He said that I'm not a percussionist in the first place, so I don't have any right to be making decisions for him or for his section. Even more so, I'm just doing wrong things by making noises and protesting here and there whenever something bad happens. And if I were to continue with this audacity, I would be banned from going near the percussion section.

Most of the stuff above were paraphrased but I'm sure the crux of it is still there.

The thing was I felt very upset after that. And it was not because Fredy scolded me or whatever, but it so happened that everything that he said was the truth.

I hate it when people scold me, and they accuse me along the way, or scold with the basis of something that never happened.

But I hate it even more when people scold me with contents that are hauntingly true. Because I would feel guilty and remorseful and it's a horrible feeling to have.

Then they said to take a band photo. And I followed... and I remembered somehow I was next to him. I think he noticed it too, and he left to the right to lie on Zhi Hui's shoulder, while I just move to the left... feeling reassured of what he feels.

I think that perhaps he doesn't really like me anyway.

It must be that.

Oh well.

Even if it's true, at least I had fun this week, this whole period of time.

I mean, I am beginning to understand more and more, what it means when you feel happy just to be by someone's side, and to see him being happy and laughing and smiling.

Because I feel that I am happy by doing so, suddenly the many things that used to bother me don't bother anymore (or as much) anymore.

Sure, it still hurts when you suddenly ignore me but... still I was able to stay by your side.

But of course, I can't do that if it's not for a lot of people.

I feel that I must extend my gratitude to Mr. Chiang and Fredy for letting me be willful and get my way for a lot of things... which are all so overboard. I really hope that you won't get any junior/student like me in the future! XD

Today is the last day. Yet I couldn't end with a good note. I feel regretful, I feel upset, but at least I had the memories.

Maybe today was just a beginning for the future. No one knows.

I only know that I can't see you anymore. =(

Oh well!


Eternity really doesn't exist.
I wonder when I first realized that.
But I'm prouder than anyone else that
the days we spent together weren't lies.

I've lived up to now. Although the length of time is a little different.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
even if we can't share our thoughts, La La La La... I won't forget you.

Why, even though it hurts so much,
can't I think of anyone but you and I want to be with you?
But I'm used to how I think of even small
things as happy memories.

Even cliches and meaningless words, if they're said between us,
have meaning.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
just having shared our thoughts... from now until forever...

I should think of you as proof that I live without taking my eyes off of truth and reality.

Just having met you, just having loved you,
even if I can never see you again, La La La La... I won't forget.

LOVE ~Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 10:50 PM

♥ Friday, July 18, 2008

"If my life is as transient as a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And when I've seen your smile
I'll scatter my petals quietly"
Moments - ayumi hamasaki


Oh wow, today is E-Learning for the whole school except for the sec4s! Which means I still have to go to school as normal... oh well.

But it was still quite slack anyway, cos the first period was like free period since the teachers needed to take photos (which means class photo taking is coming soon! I hope I won't have to cut my hair at this point of time...) and then we also had survey by MOE again.

And the questions were seriously hilarious. Let me quote a few "memorable" questions.

"Have you ever gotten bullied by anyone in your school before?"
"Does the school give you a chance to explain when you break a rule?"
"Are you teachers knowledgeable about the subjects they teach?"

Hahaha. I think, specially for Maris Stella, they should add this question.

"Are your school's teachers bitchy aunties who gossip all day long about their students?"

Because I would click Strongly Agree right away.

Then it was double English which was almost like free period again cos Miss Tan gave us group work on Oral and I was just slacking and helping Christopher with his Pokemon game. ^^

Then it was SS, with a test! Finally something to do during school.

Then recess was funny cos only one stall was open so I went to the Primary school canteen with Chang Jun and Peter and then when we left, I saw Yuan Feng and Lee Wan Yin lor then they were like, "*translated to English* We are doing the same thing as you..."

Then it was double Physics which was simply boring and I finished the test in like 15min but whatever just pure boredom.

Then finally it was double Chem which was not that boring but still I wish I could go home asap.

And finally I could go home!

Then went home and did stuff and blah blah.

Overall, today was boring.

Honestly, I wonder if I have any life at all, because I rarely go out. I mean, I wish someone I want to go out with can ask me out. But fantasies and dreams stay as fantasies and dreams!

And the weekend is filled with band activities! Honour's Band Concert tomorrow and the Botanic Gardens performance on Sunday (BIG thanks to Fredy for that, by the way)...

Then July will end soon... and it will leave me with a happy and sad feeling. Oh well.

It will be five months before I return... by then, would anything have changed? Will my feelings have changed?

Oh well...

I only know that it's time to study like mad from August ons.


Crying is not a sign of weakness. I think a man who dares to cry really has the guts to face up to the feelings that he is feeling at that point of time. Okay, I am indirectly praising myself!

Even though you won't be so excited and call my name whenever you see me like other people, even though my constant presence may have made you feel bored, at least I feel happy when I am by your side.

These days can't be all that bad, right?


"Just for having the chance to meet you
Just for having the chance to be able to love you
Even if we can't share our thoughts...
Just for that...
Thank you"
LOVE ~refrain~ - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 8:30 PM

♥ Thursday, July 17, 2008

"Please tell me that this pain is surely an illusion
Please tell me that I'm not like myself at all now
Please tell me, because otherwise, I would yearn for your warmth again"
GAME - ayumi hamasaki


... I don't know what to say, again. Nowadays, I feel that people are too bored and sick of listening to me talk about him that I bet people roll their eyes and click on, 'Next Blog', when they chance upon the first word of every new post on this blog.

And, really, I can only blog to reflect my thoughts. Because no one else seems to be interested, I mean it's freaky if they are though.

So it's okay. Whatever happy or sad things that happen, at least only I would know.

Anyway, today was generally a moody day... and my heart feels so empty.

Really, I don't know what he's thinking. Sometimes, I feel that he really likes me (as a friend), and sometimes, I feel that he abhors me. A lot.

I don't know?

But still, I will keep to my promise that I have made to myself. I will always stay by your side and help him in whatever way I can so that he can be happy and smile.

As long as I can do it, even if he may hate me or not know anything or not appreciate... I don't mind.

Please, just let me stay by your side.

You could look so happy when you were teasing about Cindy Liong and me... and when we were looking at the judges' comments and comment sheets on NBC... and when I said I want to go home and watch America's Next Top Model...

But the next minute, you suddenly just ignore me and just... treat me as a transparent being.

So, what does that mean?

But still, I reminded myself of that promise so I shouldn't feel so upset.

Perhaps I'm just overreacting because... he treats almost everyone like that, except for his really close friends.

Of course, I'm not a close friend; I'm not sure if I'm even classified as a friend. I just know that almost everyone is like that to him. Translucent...

But then again, even if he were to want to occasionally ignore me, or even hate me, I guess it's justified... because I know he has to put up with a lot of humiliation from his friends. Every time I hear his friends start laughing about me, I feel so guilty and upset, because I know I caused all these... and I couldn't do anything to make things better.

But in spite of all these, he's still nice to me sometimes... Maybe that's something worth celebrating.

But in the end, there's always that one thing that bothers me... which is him blocking me from MSN. I overheard from one of his conversation today that he still uses MSN, so he's not like "away" from it. So why did he block me? He dislikes me? I did something wrong? I don't know either.

Which reminds me that after Band, we were walking together to the bus stop and then he saw Marcus and started talking. I remembered slowing down my pace so that I could still appear to be walking but in reality I really was waiting for him.

I think he noticed it... and he just walked back to wait for Lucas. And then I just gave up. I told myself that I don't want to wait anymore. If it was fated, somehow I will see him again.

And I did. Because I saw him at the bus stop. Fated? I wish I knew the answer.

Which also reminds me that a lot of coincidental things happen between the two of us. I cut my right index finger by accident two nights ago, but I forgot to use a plaster. The next day, which was yesterday, I saw his left index finger in a plaster (which reminds me that I asked him what happened to his finger, and all he said was, 'nothing', but after that I heard him like explaining everything to Lucas... sigh just those sad things).

He bought a new bag on Saturday, and my mum was at Macau over the weekend. She came back, and viola! She bought a bag for me that's 99.99% similar to his.

Coincidence? Or is it all fated?

Anyway, I got pissed off by certain things that happened at home (just too tired and pissed to recall everything)... that sucks? I was already so pissed that Miss Lee banned all the band members from borrowing the Multipurpose Court key! I mean, I honestly don't understand why they can't lor; it's like... they're borrowing it to play soccer? And really, they will just pass it to me then I'll pass it to the Security Guards. If not, they'll somehow devise a plan to return the key. I mean soccer is their LIFE and not giving them a decent venue to play it is like such a shitty thing for them. I seriously beseech Miss Lee to give it more thoughts.


If you want something, I'll make sure that you get it. Whatever that you want, I will give it my all so that you can have it.

Because the purpose of my life is to see your dear and dazzling smile every day, I wish to make you happy.

Even if you don't know anything, even if you hate me, I don't care. As long as you are happy, I will be happy too.

Even something as simple as watching you playing games, with your crazy cursing and shouting, it's such a joy to see you being yourself.

I think I can be really happy, even just by looking at you.

Because you are really that special to me.

And I forgot to apologize to you for all these months for the humiliation you must put up with... and your water bottle.

The truth is, I bought that water bottle, but I told Hui Xiong to give it to you on the context that Hui Xiong and I bought it for you, but Hui Xiong gave it to Jia Wei and Jia Wei said that it was all three of us who bought it for you. Since he mentioned himself and Hui Xiong first, I suppose you couldn't hear my name.

Which was why you're still using it now, right?

Because I am so sure you would throw it away if you know it was from me.

But alas, the truth would be out once Hendrik tells me this Saturday who your favorite senior is! Okay it's quite lame but I really just want to know.


"When the white snow falls and colors the city, let me stay by your side, though I may be a bother to you again and again."
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 7:58 PM

♥ Tuesday, July 15, 2008

"There will never be a day where I will need to remember you, for I have never for a moment have forgotten you."
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki


And today, the same things happen again...

I remember that I have always told myself that when he treats me like a stranger in school, in front of all his friends, I wouldn't be sad again, for I've understood everything.

But I wonder if I really have...

Because you see, I still feel kind of sad when he ignores me in school. But now I've learned to fake sadness with a smile so I doubt he notices.

I don't want to limit what he wants; I don't want him to feel anything troubled or whatsoever because of me. Therefore, if I show a sad face, he will feel troubled/pissed/something and really, I don't want him to feel like that.

I want him to be happy.

But still, the fact that I don't know how and what he feels at all, just means that I have to guess all the time. Guess from his words, his actions, his mannerisms and his reactions. Sometimes, I guess happy things. Sometimes, I guess sad things.

But I don't know which of my thinkings are right. Unless he tells me, of course.

Sadly, I just don't have the courage to ask him that question. But... is it the lack of courage of asking him because I know such questions are stupid and awkward... or is it the lack of courage of hearing the truth that I don't want to face?

But his actions always...

He always contradicts himself. For example, he treated me like a stranger today during recess as usual, but when I see him in the toilet with his classmates, he actually said hi to me... and I thought we were "supposed" to pretend not to know each other whenever we are with our friends/classmates...

The only times that I really look forward would be main band, because I finally have the guts to talk to him during main band. It's pathetic, but what else can I do?

Whatever decisions you make for whatever situations, I will always be by your side, supporting you.

Even if the whole world laughs at you, I will be with you.

That is something that I wish to achieve.

I don't wish to ask questions like, 'How am I seen in your eyes?' or 'Who am I to you?' anymore... Now, I just wish to ask, 'What can I do for you?', 'Have I done enough for you?', 'Have I understood your wishes?', 'Am I being very selfish?'...

Love, really, isn't about asking what he can do for you. Rather, it's about asking what you can do for him. I don't expect him to know whatever that I do for him behind the scenes, more-so expect him to acknowledge them, even more-so expect him to feel touched or whatever.

Because I finally understood that when I want to do things for him, it's not because I want him to like me (as a friend) more but rather, I just want to see him smile.

But as always, I feel that I'm so useless and incapable of doing anything worthwhile for him...

"I can only stay by your side, though I can do nothing else."
Close to you - ayumi hamasaki


Your mannerisms are such treasures to me; I really love you.


"What can I do for you? What are you thinking of now?"
Dolls - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 7:31 PM

♥ Sunday, July 13, 2008

"Even if it's the end of the world, even if people say with laughter that we are trying in vain, let's go together, because nothing is as fearful as giving up."
Pride - ayumi hamasaki


13th July, 2008. This is going to be one of those days where I won't be able to forget again. Yes, the NBC is on today and the day ended with so much things to say that I wonder if I could word out my thoughts perfectly here.

Maris Stella Alumni Band (I think we are called that right?) got a Gold with a score of 81.XX (can't remember the later numbers...), and we are 5th in the Open Division.

Though a Gold looks really good, and well it's still a Gold... I didn't feel really very happy. I don't really think anyone else was too...

In fact, I think we are the only band whom when the results were announced, didn't scream and cheer in joy...

I wondered if we expected too much of ourselves, or if we are unhappy because we didn't get the results that we believed we were supposed to get.

Whatever it is, I think everyone looked stoic when we heard the results... and we were all like sighing and walking slowly... and really it felt like everything was gray.

And that point of time, I didn't want to cry. I don't feel like crying.

But after moving all the stuff, and walking behind Xing Hao through all the other bands who were screaming and looking so happy... my heart just sank even deeper. And I really felt like crying then.

I really like felt like asking them to shut up or something, but I know that if we have gotten better results, we would be doing the same things - screaming, cheering, laughing... So I can't really blame them for being happy.

Then on the bus, I just started crying. It wasn't like bawling; more like silent crying. I thought of a lot of things about Alumni and all the effort that Mr Chiang and Mr Lin have put in and then it just sucks to have such a feeling when you feel that you have done a lot but in the end, you didn't get anything in return.

It just feels so... empty.

I guess we could always try harder for SIBF!


Let's go a little off-topic here...

Okay, really, I have enough on anyone telling me that he is "destroying" me, or I'll end up "regretting everything", or I'll just get "more hurt at the end"...

I don't think all of these matters anymore.

Yesterday at Macs, Chang Jun asked this really meaningful question.

"What will he do for you?"

And then I answered, "He doesn't have to do anything; he himself just makes me happy."

Which is true to a certain extent. But I went home to think about it and I have found an answer to that question, really.

Love isn't about asking what that person will or can do for you; Love is about asking yourself what you can do for the person you love.

As long as he lets me stay by your side, I will be contented. =)

Oh and someone please explain to me my recent frequent "hanging out" sessions with Saw alone... Maybe I should stop talking to him that often then we can catch up with the rest of the gang easier. Because whatever that happened was just so zzz.


"We are Beautiful Fighters; we cried tonight, just a little. But the 'girls' who fight with the tomorrow that is new and clean are Beautiful Fighters; for we know our desires are never satisfied completely."
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 11:11 PM

♥ Saturday, July 12, 2008

"I'll protect your forever; I'll think of you. Even if time may change everything, I'll still think of you."
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki


Today was such a beautiful day for me! The day started beautifully, and ended beautifully too.

Because of you, I could always see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know why but I'm starting to cry now, because I just thought of you.

I thought of how everything started, all the way back in band camp last year... and how it went on until now, and it shows no sign of stopping.

I thought of all the good and happy times I had with you... and how carefree I felt, chasing those beautiful dreams in those endless days... I thought of how pampered I felt at those times, when you were so nice to me...

I thought of all the unhappy moments... and how heartbroken I felt whenever you do something bad. I felt upset when you ignored me, I felt depressed when you said certain things, I felt suicidal when you did that thing on that particular Friday a few months ago... I just thought of how afraid and vulnerable I was at those times...

Right now, I don't know where I stand. I don't know how important am I to you. I don't know how you feel about these few months. I don't know how I am seen in your eyes... I honestly don't know a lot of things.

But I do know that you have always been in my heart. I know that I love you. I know that I miss you. I know that I always want to protect you. I know that I want to help you. I know that I want to do things for you. I know that I want to stay by your side. I know that I wish you would treat me well and like a friend...

You see? Today, a lot of happy things happened, and I wondered just how much I've been through to savor this happy day. One whole week of pain and heart aches? I suppose so.

The thing is, nothing has been smooth-sailing and the days with you weren't always joyful, but I've never regretted a single thing.

I am just glad to be able to say a lot of things to you and to do a lot of things with you.

We had so much fun during main band today. Especially during Sway and Rolling Thunder! ... Yes X marks the spot to PINCH! Haha!

And I'll MAKE SURE I'll buy FHM and let you read next Saturday and corrupt your horny mind. And um to 'derouse' you with my sick t-shirt today! Hahaha!

We had so much fun... really. I wonder if you feel the same way too.

Ah, I can't say anything else. I really can't find the words to.

I love you. I love you. I love you.


I'll try not to get upset the next time you ignore me when you are with your friends, because I understand that it's just very embarrassing and awkward. I'll work hard!


Maybe I have really finally tasted love.


"Even now, I can say definitely that I don't have a regret."
MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 10:30 PM

♥ Friday, July 11, 2008

I am feeling a juxtapose of emotions now.

I am getting worried that certain people didn't turn up for Main band's sectionals today (and I really shouldn't be worried too...)

I am getting worried and weary for two people who got in trouble recently. But it seems that harsh punishment just seems to be the only way out.

On the other hand...

I am feeling very happy about someone (and guess what! He's one of the people involved in one of the afforementioned two sentences *guess which one is it!*) and just somethings that he has done...

I am feeling very happy about Alumni because I always feel happy when other people come and then I start to really feel the song when I play it.

Sigh... I don't even know what I should feel now.

I need to wake up at 6am tomorrow morning to open up the band room for Main band yet I'm still blogging here, at a time 7 minutes away from midnight. Wow.

July just seems like a long month of performances and competitions. I don't know whether I can even make it to the end of July.

A part of me wishes for July to end soon, so that I can take a break and finally STUDY!

But... another part of me wishes that July will never end, because from August onwards, I can't visit the Main band anymore... because I would have run out of excuses... and it just makes me sad because I can't see him up close anymore.

A lot of things going through my mind again...

I have a lot of things to say about that two people who got into deep shit but... right now I'm too tired to think of the correct words.

Let's just call these two people A and B. I think A and B are really different people, in that they respond and react so differently to the situation, and it makes me think a lot...

A just starts to complain to everyone when he knows about the bad things that happened, yet he kept telling himself that he has only complained (rather, to him, "talked") to only one person and he actually accused me once of spreading stuff around. Which is of course fake, because he told almost everyone else that same thing.

Whatever it is, A loves to complain about every single thing, and this case is no difference. I mean, no matter how you try to explain to A about the matter, how you try to tell him that he is STILL in the wrong no matter what, and you try to make people's decisions sound logical to him... but he doesn't seem to care.

Perhaps all that matters to him is his face. Yeah he's worried about losing face tomorrow but little does he know almost everyone knows already.

Now... it's B.

B... I have never really talked about this incident with B yet. I only asked B once, "What happened?", and he only told me, "Nothing."

Maybe he answered that because he doesn't regard me as a friend, but at least he doesn't complain excessively like A...

Anyway, I know that B is majorly at fault for the whole incident, yet I always see B smiling and laughing, like nothing really happened.

And it just made me think if he's just nonchalant about his mistakes... or unlike A, he has decided to take things in his own stride, and just laugh it off?

Because, honestly, there are a lot of times when I feel that way too. When besides laughing or smiling... you really don't know what else to show, what if you cry? You don't want to.

I just like to think that B is swallowing his sorrow, so that his friends wouldn't feel too upset.

And the thing is, B has always been like that. B has always been that joker and making people laugh like crazy. And with B around, it's hard to be upset. =)

I just wish that A and B would be all right at the end of the day...

*By the way, B is NOT that him that I always refer to... they are different people. I just realized that I have been talking about B as if I am in love with him or something. :O

So, to A and B: DON'T GIVE UP!


Anyway, today during recess, he saw me and I saw him. He sort of nodded/cocked his head to me, and to me, that is a sign of recognition.

When I decided to give my everything to him, I really don't ask for any reciprocation of any feelings... I just ask for him to be happy and for me to be able to stay by his side so that I can see him smile, and make him smile.

Slowly, I feel that I am really doing that.


The many many events nowadays... making my head spin and causing dizzy spells and headaches. And I feel naseueous these days too... omg am I pregnant? Okay what an impossible matter...


This juxtapose of emotions and the many things make me think of one Ayu song... where I think it express my feelings now.

So please read the lyrics as my heart cries out.

"Sometime, surely since before you were born,
I was searching for something unchanging.
I'd find it, and lose it, and sometimes
there were nights when I hurt people.

If just one of your wishes could come true,
If just one of your wishes could come true,
what would you wish for?
What would you wish for, here, under this sky?

Despite my strong desire,
I started giving up.
I'd find it, release it, and sometimes
there were nights when I hurt myself.

If there were something I could give to you,
If there were something I could give to you,
It would be my unchanging, certain thoughts.

If you'll laugh for me, even just a little,
then there's still a reason for me to live here.
If you'll search for me, even just a little,
then maybe my living here will be accepted.

If just one of your wishes could come true,
If just one of your wishes could come true,
what would you wish for?

If there were something I could give to you,
If there were something I could give to you,
It would be my unchanging, certain thoughts.
Yes, my unchanging, certain thoughts.
Right here."
NEVER EVER - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 11:48 PM

♥ Thursday, July 10, 2008

"There must be someone needs you. That person is surely always smiling by your side."
Depend on you - ayumi hamasaki


Strangely, just as I was blogging about being upset two days ago, today I am blogging about happy things; because I feel so happy now!

I don't feel a need anymore to elaborate, since I'm going to talk about the same things, as always.

Just that, it's really because of the most simple things that make me feel happy and glad. I mean, I wonder why I wasn't asking for the biggest things; for the possible things, have I changed? I have always wanted the best; I have always wanted the most. When I get something, I want more of it, I want everything.

But now...

As long as he is willing to talk to me, I think that is something that is worth being happy about already.

It really is that simple.

And because he did that simple thing to me yesterday, I felt like my whole day became beautiful. I felt that nothing could go wrong, and well nothing too wrong happened.

I am very grateful for these little things; I don't ask for you to reciprocate my feelings; I just ask for you to let me stay by your side, though I am always so useless and clumsy... and causing you embarrassments here and there...

Because you have done many things to me before, it was all the more important to protect these memories forever and leave them with me, and we will go together, to whichever place I must go in the future... I hope you will do the same too. If it's not for me, then at least the memories with other people.

Nicholas Tan told me today that he thinks that he treats me well only when he needs me, and he doesn't like to see me being used like that (or something along those lines...)...

Well... I don't know what to say.

I mean, I have absolute faith in him.

Isn't faith part of love too? Because I trust him that much, I no longer waver to anything that anyone else says about the two of us, because to me, I will only believe it if he tells me.

But I wonder if I have pissed anyone else in that process. I'm sorry if I sounded aggressive or offensive.

Just that... call me stubborn or what have you, it doesn't matter to me. I only know that I trust him.

Although he sometimes does things that are so... how do we explain this?

Like you know if someone likes/dislikes you, he/she will usually give off a lot of signals and signs that tell you so right.

The thing is, I don't know if he likes/dislikes (all on the innocent root of friendship) me... and I can't tell either! Because he always does things that give off signals of both ends of the spectrum...

Ah, it's so confusing.

But still, I am still grateful, I am still happy. Very happy.

I was trying to find a song that can express my absolute trust in him, and my love for him and the great impact that he has on me... and I found one!

"Under the gray and square sky
Is filled with all kinds of desires today
But I don't lose sight of the light among them
And can walk, looking forward
Because you always show me
That there remains a purity even in a corner of this city

Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen asleep, so exhausted
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but me knows

One day when the sunlight poured and the wind blew gently
As if it were nothing special
I felt alone that something was changing in me
Slowly, firmly and surely

Though I wasn't sad at all, tears flowed down
Because your feelings sank painfully into
The scar in the depth of my heart
And changed it into tenderness

If you come across deep sorrow
I wish you will share it with me
I'll be able to do anything for the smile
My precious treasure
My precious treasure"
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki


"No need to have a serious talk
I need nothing except your smile"
BLUE BIRD - ayumi hamasaki

I really love you so much.

Listened to music @ 7:43 PM

♥ Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Oh my God. The inevitable 2nd post of the day...

I'm so sorry for all my previous posts that were so selfish... I'm so sorry for thinking only about my own gains... I'm so sorry for just wanting to have you...

Yes, I realized it. I really just want you to be happy.

Because you are MY ALL.

I want to devote my life and my everything to you.

Because you are MY ALL.

Yes, everything, everything that you have given me; from the various feelings, and the moments and memories... I feel grateful to be able to have them.

Although right now I know things are in a pathetic state and we will never be able to be friends again, if you are reading this now, I hope you know that you will always be MY ALL.

I want to stay by your side and help you in any way that I can.

That is my Duty.

How long
Have we spent time together ?

How far
Have we advanced together ?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind

Are now shining proudly here
Though they may not be perfect

I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

* I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

** I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all our might

I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see the smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

* (repeat)
** (repeat)

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

I find this stanza so true and beautiful...

"I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see the smile"

Yes, that is the purpose of my Life.

Listened to music @ 11:56 PM

"Today was fun and tomorrow would surely be fun as well. 'These days will continue forever,' or so I thought at that time."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki


Yes, today I felt very sad again. Ever since Saturday, my days have been a downhill with a steep gradient.

I want someone to call me or come up to me now and say, "He is going to be nice to you tomorrow!", or "Everything that happened recently was just a joke!"... but no one would, because these things wouldn't happen...

I saw him a few times today, but...

Hwee Young told me today, "You see him, you feel sad. You don't see him, you also feel sad."

Why is he so right?

I thought I had promised myself to be contented that I can actually see him... Why is it that I desire so much for him to come up and say a simple, 'Hi'?

Maybe it's because I know it so well, of the days in the past when he would be so nice to me, that I felt reluctant to accept things as they are now...

I saw him again at the end of the recess, where I was at the toilet at his level (because the toilet at my level was crowded with people who look like they're going to start smoking or something...)... and he saw me, and I saw him. And we just... walked past each other. Without a word.

And it was like that. He pretended not to know me; I pretended not to know him.

I asked a lot of people on what it would mean if such a situation were to happen. And they all said that it means he is embarrassed or is afraid to be embarrassed. And I suppose that I am such a big joke and an embarrassment that he wouldn't want to be seen with me, much less knowing me.

He could joke and laugh with the rest of my peers, and actually anyone else, because unlike me, they are not a burden, they are not an embarrassment.

I don't know how long he wants to treat me like that...

The thing is, if things were like how I thought of it, that he would still be nice to me when we're alone... then why does he block me from MSN? It's not like his friends are going to know or something, right?

Perhaps he really hates me. Despite everything? But everything to me was just nothing, maybe even accidents, to him.

Suddenly, I felt like an Ayu album fits my mood now.

Okay, so actually this is NOT the cover of the album I was referring to. Just that the cover I have in my com is the CD-only version and it's just fugly, and I'm too lazy to google the CD+DVD cover which is just so much cuter... so I have to do with this cover of Ayu's "on my way" photobook, that comes with the album.

Yes, this album is called (miss)understood.

Don't you find the title very interesting? I mean looking at it, it was like Ayu is conferring herself as a Miss. Understood, understood by everyone, so she should be pretty happy. But when you actually say the word out, you realize that it sounds like misunderstood... I wonder what she means...

*If you think Ayu looks like Fredy, don't be shocked. Because Fredy does look like Ayu. ^^*

A lot of songs in this album fit my depressed and irritated mood now...

"Whether or not I may do something, I'm talked about behind my back. Let it be."
alterna - ayumi hamasaki

I really have enough of people passing sarcastic comments. STOP saying his name and stupid things like 'Let's go and find ****' when you see me, as if expecting me to jump in and get all excited.

STOP calling him to see me just because I'm near him.

STOP making fun of him. STOP making fun of me.

STOP making things awkward for the two of us.

STOP every single immature and girly thing that ALL of you enjoy doing.


"When do you first miss her? About that time, I realized the truth. I saw through the lies, and even if I pretended that they were the truth, it's just, just so excessively empty... This feeling is certainly known as 'love', isn't it?"
is this LOVE? - ayumi hamasaki

It feels like there was two of you, and I didn't know who to look at. Sometimes I feel that I know you, sometimes I feel that I don't know you at all...

You always look so happy and friendly to everyone around you... and when I see that sorrow in your eyes sometimes when you are in deep thought, alone... I couldn't do anything; what can I do?

'Why isn't it me?'... I felt that this question was just too funny and stupid that I didn't dare to ask you. If I did, would you tell me? Why isn't it me who gets to laugh with you? Why isn't it me who gets to talk to you?

I wonder if such a selfish thinking is even right...


"I don't ask for you to forgive me some day, but if you were to fight alone now, that's the definite sign for me."
criminal - ayumi hamasaki

Because I know you hate me now, and that the mistakes that I have made are so grave, I really have no right to ask for forgiveness... I only know that I can only stay by your side and do things for you to redeem myself from this crime that I have committed...

But you don't fight alone, because they are all around you. While I stay around there, disappearing with the wind... ...


Memories are beautiful in everyone's eyes, and my memories with you are the only things that push me on, in this world that I feel so alone and afraid sometimes. Because I know that I was so happy with you in the past, I felt that that warmth and joy from those memories were my elixir...

Yes, I know that even if I feel depressed now, I wouldn't be depressed forever. Because I can always remember those happy moments with you.

I wish someone can ask him what he feels, but no one would do that. And I don't have the courage to ask such a stupid question...

"Today was very sad and even if I cry tomorrow, someday the time will come when I can laugh and remember the time we had together."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki

Listened to music @ 7:25 PM

♥ Sunday, July 06, 2008


My family is giving me troubles again.

The story is really long, so thank you if you manage to read through everything.

I have a father, a mother, an older brother and a younger sister.

I hate my brother and my sister.
My sister hates everyone.
My brother hates everyone.
My father complains to my mother whenever anyone quarrels/fights.
My mother complains to me and pushes all the blame to me whenever such things happen.

I just got blamed again, for something that I don't believe I'm in the wrong at all.

I'm sure everyone knows about the story of the computer plug being confiscated. And you know I bought another plug so that I can use it. And now, the original computer plug has been returned.

The thing is, my mother regards it as my fault. My fault that my sister becomes a monster when she starts using the computer. My fault that she uses knives/umbrellas/chairs to hit me when I ask her to stop using it. My fault that she is addicted. My fault that I "ruined" all the peace that lasted for a few weeks. My fault, for everything.

Why is it my fault? My sister has no self-discipline to control herself. My sister has no self-discipline to stop herself from being violent and addicted. My sister still goes out to LAN shops and her friends' houses to use the computer during those "peaceful" weeks...

So why is it my fault?

Besides, when she goes crazy, the one she inflicts all the her violence to is ME not anyone else. Because I am a fucking loser who gets bullied and taken advantage of by almost every single human being on this earth. Because I am a fucking "nice" person whom everyone just wants to pick on.

So why is it my fault?

Then my mother was bitching it to my brother, and somehow she ended up saying that he is lucky to be able to have a whole computer (and a laptop, she forgot to mention that) to himself.

Then he went crazy.

He called my father an "old man" and he said he hates my father the most. He said that if he can't get what he wants, no one else can. He said that money is the most important to him. He said that he will burn the whole house and kill everyone and curse all of us till his last breath if he can't get what he wants.

Why does he say that?

Why does he act like he's some fucking victim when he has another computer AND a laptop to himself? Why does he speak like some fucking victim when he also uses this computer for downloads (and thus use up the C: Drive and cause lags)? Why does he make himself sound so victimized?

When I am the victim?

Then my mother came up to me and started complaining/whining/bitching about the computer and she blamed me for buying the plug and causing mayhem.

And she said,

"It's because of you."

Because of me?

Fuck it.

I don't think so.

I mean, logically, is it my fault? Even if it is, am I responsible for every single damn thing?

Why does this always happen?

Whenever my family starts to have quarrels, my mother would always push the blame to me. I find it so hard to accept.

I don't care if people suan me. I don't care if people insult me. I don't care if people laugh at me. Because I am used to all that, for I am but a mere loser.

But one thing that I can never get used to, no matter how often I am exposed to it, is being accused.

I hate to be accused for something that I have never done. I really abhor it.

... It's always like that.

Everything is just screwed up.

Which reminds me that I told my parents I needed to get a blazer for the competitions this morning. They started bitching and complaining to me.

I felt like blaming whoever who suggest blazers for the attire at that moment. But I know it's pointless. And it's most probably going to be my fault again, like always.

Anyway, my father said it's not worth to spend over $100 for something I'm just once (actually it's thrice but it doesn't make a difference), and I said I may use it for next year too.

Then my mother asked, "You're going to continue going to band next year?"

Then I explained about alumni and whatever and my mother just said that she's not going to allow me to go for any band next year onwards.

Just as well, since I've already made many decisions in my useless mind.

Then my brother heard the word 'alumni' and started to insult me, saying that I don't deserve to play in alumni.

It was like how he insulted me when he knew that I was the SL (because we were quarreling and then he brought in the issue of me sucking up to my band seniors without getting anything in return)... oh by the way, when he knew I was the SL, he said that I'm the only person who has an ASL, therefore I suck.

Because I know it was the truth, I can only be sad.

I really suck, don't I.

Sometimes, I envy people whose parents support them greatly for band, bringing them for masterclasses and what have you. And then their parents' support gives them the best self-confidence and self-esteem.

I still remember I had to secretly take masterclasses and lied to my parents that I had extra lessons...

Are they to blame for my lack of confidence? I mean after all, I don't feel safe when I'm alone in band... I always need someone to depend on, because I know I suck.

I do so much things, only to be a suck at the end of the day. Sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it for that time spent on band. Maybe it's not a lot of time compared to other people but still... ah whatever.

I'm just not a music person.

When my family doesn't even give me support, I don't know what to do. I get suaned and insulted by them so often that I always see myself as what they say I am.

Is this right?

I feel so pathetic at a time like now...


If I could see him now, surely, I would be so much more happier.

"Breathing calmly, I looked at you who had fallen asleep, so exhausted. The sweet, unprotected profile that no one in the world but me knows."
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki

Well, I'm sure you parents have seen your sleeping face before. And you don't breathe calmly when you sleep, you snore! Haha you look so cute when you sleep and I love the sound of your snores.

You are my precious treasure.

Listened to music @ 11:07 PM