♥ Wednesday, October 08, 2008
"Seized with several impulses, I'm lost in a maze with no exit
The sense of reality urges me suddenly to find the way out
But why can't I leave this place, so strangely?"
GAME - ayumi hamasaki
...
But why can't I leave you, so strangely? The nicer you are to me, the more difficult it will be for me to move on.
Because you were really so nice to me in the past, I always found it hard to just say, "Forget it" and walk, as if nothing had happened. I mean I can, but it'll obviously be a lie.
And then, it seems that reality has sunk into me, and I know what to do. Move on, right? I tried doing that, and I think I'm doing fine, without you anymore.
Why must you be nice to me again?
Why did you see me, and then raise your eyebrows and mouthed a "hi"? Why do you make me feel as if like everything is back to normal again? Why did you bother about me again?
You hate me, right? I know you do, and it just seems right and true from so many things that have been going on, like you blocking me from MSN.
Sometimes, you give the signs that are on both sides of the spectrum, and you leave me stuck in the middle, unable to do anything.
I wish I could go. I wish I could walk away, now. But I can't. I really can't. I don't know any answers; I don't know anything.
If it were me in the past, perhaps what you did today would make me really happy, and I would think that you see me as a friend.
But the me now... I can't do that anymore. The reality has finally sunk in, I suppose. Today you finally stopped un-bothering me. So?
I could only ask myself, "So?"
You still hate me. You still find me a burden. You still abhor me. You still block me from MSN.
You see? I can't delude myself anymore. I don't even know what to do. I'm even beginning to think that that "hi" you mouthed, and the eyebrows you raised, were probably for someone next to or behind me.
I don't dare think to that I have been forgiven, nor do I have the courage to suppose that everything is back to normal.
You will always hate me, because I am such a burden.
But still, when I saw you... it's just... a lot of thoughts coming from my mind, and I wish to tell you a lot of things. I wish to ask you how your A-Maths paper was, I wish to ask how you have been all these while, I wish to tell you that I was harassed by a paedophile yesterday. But...
I still worry about you. I still cringe and worry when someone took a photo of you getting punished in the hall during your A-Maths paper, I still get pissed when I heard that certain teachers were picking on you. I...
I want to make you happy by leaving too. I want to see you have the freedom and happiness that you had during this period of time when you didn't get to see me. So together, even if it's an act that must be for us and will be for us to be separated, let's just work towards that same goal - two separate paths.
It's too late to apologize to you...
...
"'The more you love me, the more my heart aches
I'm already so... about you'"
Liar - ayumi hamasaki
You feel that way now, don't you?
---
Today was the last day of school for me. Well, I think I can hear applause, since everyone hates me so much, it must be a good thing for me to just be gone. Especially you.
Well, the last few hours at school was basically a waste of time. From 8 to 10 was a big waste of time; just sitting around and doing nothing.
Some funny things happened obviously, like how Sean Tang's crackers and waterbombs were confiscated... And cam-whoring among a lot of people. I obviously am not going to take any photos as of yet because I feel so dead today. Note that the confusing incident happened at recess...
So yeah, then a lot of retarded things happened. Apparently water bombs were still in the class so people began throwing them around... like get a life. But anyway, they look they're having fun so whatever. I just feel apologetic to the guys from 3J cos they're taking their A-Maths paper...
Then it was recess.
Then after that, a special hall assembly. It was supposed to be 1 hour but it got dragged to 1.5 hours. A lot of O' Level procedures and such, and then there was this nostalgic video about Maris Stella, which was kind of upsetting...
And Stephene Tay bought a pen for all the sec4s. Each pen costs about $2+ cos it's a Pilot pen so for the whole cohort, it must have cost him like $600+! Omg. And just when you thought the pen was paid for via the miscellanous fee but I heard he payed for all the pens himself! Wow.
I also got the class photos and the graduation photo back, and omg. The graduation photo... I looked so photoshopped! They actually photoshopped everyone's face to remove the pimples, airbrush our faces, and also to lighten/even out the skin tone. Very fake and plastic indeed.
Then after that, I met Justin Onggo and Hwee Young at the canteen. We hung around for a while before Nicholas Tan came, then we took a taxi to Toa Payoh. In the end, we just stayed at Delifrance for 4 over hours, "studying". Okay actually we really wanted to study, but as usual, we all ended up chatting instead. Oops.
Then I went home at 6 30.
---
4 years in Maris Stella. Memories, bonds, feelings. I was never alone. You were never alone.
I remember I was always living a scandalous life in Maris Stella, and I'm not stupid, because I know people gossip about me, because of the kind of scandals that I get myself into.
I only remember my sec1 year being the most peaceful, when there was no scandal at all, and I felt really the most carefree then.
As the years went on, I just got myself into scandals after scandals, affecting not only myself, but for the people involved as well.
4 years later, and I'm into my 7th crush/love now. Sometimes I feel that I have ruined all their lives, because it is just so. But in the end, I don't really know how they feel, so it only feels right that I should take the blame myself.
But even so, I never walked alone during these 4 years, although I was actually physically usually alone.
I will never forget my peers, especially my classmates over the years, and the people in band. Juniors, seniors, peers. It was somehow really fun to be able to spend time with all these special people.
Also, are the teachers in Maris Stella, whom have cared and shown their very humane sides to use all these years.
Even though there are a lot of things that I dislike about Maris Stella, although there are a lot of things that I've regretted, at the end of this road, it only seems that I couldn't have regretted the muddy, wrong steps that I've always taken.
Thank you, to my peers, CCA members and teachers for all these memories. Although being the selfish person that I am, I know that there will be memories with certain people that will be closer to my heart than any other memory, I am still very grateful and happy to be able to share and create such memories with everyone. Thank you, once again.
---
"Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me"
HAPPY ENDING - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:32 PM
