♥ Thursday, September 25, 2008
"Hey, that person thinks as if he knew everything about me
Just after we smiled and talked a little together
A big mistake
Hey, the reason of this smile and the meaning of these words can't be understood
Because I don't even want to make them understood
It can't be helped
Indeed, no one knows about the real me
More than you"
until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki
---
Today, I was thinking of what mood I should be using to blog this post and... I can't find a feeling. As in, I don't even know if I'm happy or sad. Confusion, apparently, is such a headache.
All I know is that I'm sick and tired. Not of what you think it is, but by just people in general.
Go on and shout his name when I'm around. I don't care anyway. I couldn't be bothered to care. I just don't like how arrogant you are, thinking that you know me very well. And I can't stand you, who act as if you know me very well.
I don't know why people think that I'm immune to pain. You know what their pathetic excuse is? They say I'm fat so I'm immune to pain. Honestly... I don't know what to say. They don't know, just how deeply I'm wishing, that I could be immune to pain, both physical and emotional. But I'm not. I'm fat but I don't see how that separates me from other human beings. I'm not immune to pain.
And you know who I'm talking about? Who else, but Zen.
You know, I was okay with Zen all these while, and I could care less about his constant annoying behavior and his 'flying kick', or whatever that is.
Today, it was the last straw.
He thinks punching me on my hip is really fun. Ha. Oh wait, it probably doesn't matter at all because I'm supposed to be immune to pain because I'm so fat! But no one believes me when I said that I'm in pain. They think I'm lying or something. When I told him it was really painful, he gave that non-believing look. Like, why would I lie? I'm immune to pain? How funny.
And the saddest thing is that he's the only one who has such a mindset. Almost everyone around me just bloody thinks that I'm immune to pain or something. His punch impacted my bone. It's a bloody bone. Yeah I'm fucking fat but I still have bones. Yeah I'm fucking fat but I still feel pain.
I want to be immune to pain. I really want to be.
I want to be immune to this pain of knowing that most people just assume they know me very well, when they don't. Like being immune to pain. I, for one, have never ever said that I'm immune to pain, so why that deduction? Oh wait, I forgot. It's because I'm fucking fat.
And you know, strangely, from all the people whom I suppose know me pretty well, you're the only whom I don't really speak to often.
I will always remember, and still be surprised, that you know that I cry very easily. I know this seems like something that anyone can tell, but it's not. I don't exactly ball my eyes out every time I have the chance to. How many times have you actually seen me really breaking down?
Indeed, no one knows about the real me more than you. More than all of you guys. I appreciate all these, a lot.
---
Anyway, my plan to be late for school was an epic fail! Not that I failed... I mean the barber didn't even come today! I got cheated and I was late for nothing. What is this. I'm so pissed off at that... grr...
Miss Tan ordered for us this Pilot pen that's not out in Singapore yet. And even if it would be, probably next year, it would still be different from the ones my class have.
Because on our pens, is this engraved phrase: "Even Eagles Need A Push"
I'm too tired to elaborate that, so it'll just be like our secret. =)
And we got random colors, and I got blue. And I really hate blue so I remember I was like begging all the people who got pink pens to trade with me, and all of them wanted their pink pens (oh btw, ironic how EVERYONE seems to blabber that liking pink is gay)... Then at the end of the lesson, Miss Tan actually offered to change my pen to a pink one... I'm utterly touched! Thank you!
---
I think it's good that we don't see each other in school anymore. You seem to have found places to avoid me, I seem to be used to it.
It appears, once again, that the best way is to go our separate ways.
While searching through my cupboard today, I found that FHM. I found it. I just flipped through the magazine, and recalled whatever that happened on that day...
Words that I couldn't say on some other day - I want to present them to you today.
I love you.
I really have never said that to you before. While thinking on the people whom I used to love, I remember I always mentioned "I love you" to them. Why didn't I say it to you? Maybe it's because I felt it was redundant. Maybe it's because you already know.
But still, not saying is a good thing, I guess. Not saying that, brought me by your side for that 9 months...
Even so, you still left me.
But...
Never mind. Oh well.
I was searching for your dazzling smiling face.
Some day, we'll be able to mutually understand that our encounter is the truth.
---
"You see? There sometimes are the days
When I think until when and for what purpose
I just have to keep on going forward this way
But because you are watching me..."
until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:29 PM
