♥ Friday, September 19, 2008
"You come up next to me
And talk about nonsense
You're trying, despite your
Clumsiness, to encourage me"
independent - ayumi hamasaki
...
I remember I was crying, and you told me, "I don't like emo people." Something so small, so insignificant, but it made me feel a lot happier. If somehow, I could return to the days when you cared for me, and said hi in your way to me when you see me, and walk back a few steps to talk to me, wouldn't it be nice?
I don't want anyone in the world to be nice to me, because no one is anyway. I'm sorry to those who cared but...
I just want you to be nice. If I could exchange the kindness and tenderness of the world for your kindness and tenderness, I would.
I don't know why, but I just suddenly started missing you very badly. Like whenever I feel upset, or unjust, and it feels like everything is going against me, I would visit the Primary school canteen, I would go to the multipurpose court, I would walk to and fro the 4th floor corridor.
Because those places held close memories.
I remember you said that I am a person who cries very easily, so to prove you wrong, I tried not to shed tears. But, maybe you were right. It seems that you know me more than I know myself, isn't it?
I said it was all right, and continued with you hating me, and no explanation, with nothing resolved.
But I didn't feel all right at all. What was I afraid of? I told myself that I would never ever be able to find a chance to talk to you privately, where nobody would be around to pass their cynical comments, and so, I decided not to explain myself, and let you continue hating me.
And let the past memories fade away...
Do you even remember that you were nice to me?
People come up and tell me things about you, they tell me that you said hi to them, they told me that you slapped their ass, they told me this, they told me that.
I'm really happy that you're still being that relaxed and friendly person you always are, but it still hurts so badly when I realized that you will never do those things to me. Not anymore.
While my mind was thinking of something positive, like you don't say 'hi' to me, you always say something else... but... in the end, I can only accept the fact that it was a thing of the past.
Why can't I die now? I, somehow, wish to die now, so that my affection for you is strong even when I am dead. I know I'm being very foolish, right?
My heart bleeds too, when your friends shout your name as I walk past. I wish they would shut up too. Are they the reason to why you hate me now?
But no, it's not their my fault. It's my fault. If I didn't exist, they would have done such things, I think.
Having and then losing is worse than never having.
Don't be sad it's over, smile that it happened.
Whichever way you choose to think, you can't deny the fact that you have lost.
I have thought of both ways before, but I cannot escape from the blatant truth. Reality will stay stark as it is.
I don't know if I should feel happy or sad.
Happy that we had spent days together.
Sad that we are in such a state.
Even if I were to feel happy today, there would be a day when I would feel upset, missing the moments with you.
Even if I were to feel sad today, there would be a day when I can laugh that we spent such days together.
You see? I can't have a set emotion for such a thing.
So I guess, I'll feel what I feel today.
And today, I feel sad. I feel empty.
It's always the same questions repeating over and over again, isn't it?
Something like, "Why were you so nice to me?", or "Why did you leave?"...
Unresolved questions, as always.
Staring at the future without your warmth, I embrace myself to walk.
I'm sure tomorrow... will have memories of you whether I'm happy or if the sky is crying.
Ha, the above two lines are new lyrics.
I'm sure tomorrow... I like this phrase.
Honestly, I wanted to blog about exams and my study life and some other general life thing, but typing all these has drained my energy. Maybe next time, if I feel like it.
But before that.
You know, I don't get people sometimes. I mean somehow it's very funny that someone gets 5/100 for a test. I mean, what's so funny? And they nickname that someone 'Five', because of that stupid result.
Have those idiots ever gotten a single digit for their exams? Do they ever know how it feels like? Elitists, insensitive bastards. I dare you, I dare you to call me "Two", because I scored 2/100 for my A-Maths before. I mean not everyone who laughed are such people, but still, I don't think it's a funny thing to get 5/100.
...
"This short summer will come to an end
I'll be with you at the moment, too
As I know
Nothing is so nice as the ordinary days"
Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki
Greatful is a portmanteau of great and grateful. And summer has already ended.
...
"'MARIA' All the people who love someone
And get hurt...
As I look around
Everyone is bustling about
Passing by quickly
I've noticed
There are signs of winter
Coming so close to us this year
There are surely two people somewhere in this city today
Who meet and catch each other's eye
The curtain rises dramatically
But as with everything
There comes an end
Inevitably, someday
There are surely two people somewhere in this city today
Who choose the way of separation
The curtain falls quietly
'MARIA' There is a person I love
I feel so lonely sometimes
But my heart is filled up in the end
By the person I love
'MARIA' There is a person I love
I get hurt so deeply sometimes
But my heart is healed in the end
By the person I love
'MARIA' Everyone is weeping
But they want to believe
So they are praying
May it be the last love
The beginning comes without reason
And the ending always has a reason ..."
M - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:36 PM
