<body>
binaryface @bs.com


♥ Wednesday, September 10, 2008

"Tears welled up in my eyes
When I thought it would be nice
If I could forgive my past some day"
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki

...

Sadly, I just don't have the courage to do so...

Let's see. There's this show that I watch, 7pm on Channel 8, well some thought arose from me while watching it.

Today, this woman, who was the ex-girlfriend of this guy, who is now already married, plotted to make his current wife, who happens to be sort of like her friend, have a miscarriage. I don't wish to go on detail about how the miscarriage happened because it's really gross.

The point is, I really hate her. As in that evil slut. I hate her to the core. I wish she would die in the end or something...

I hate such people. You know what they love doing? They like to twist the meaning of love, using love as an excuse to harm people, and rob others' happiness. The thing is, if you really love someone, shouldn't his/her happiness be your priority? After all, in love there is only one law, and that is to make your love happy.

Even if you couldn't physically and personally make your love happy, you can do it in other ways too. For example, if your love hates you, then making yourself disappear from his/her sight can make him/her happy too. Or if he/she already has another lover, then giving them your true blessings will make him/her happy too.

I really hate such people. I don't know understand why they see the need to do such a thing. It's sadistic, evil and cruel. Love is a sacred emotion and to taint it with such selfish methods is just...

But you know, if you hate someone, you most probably possess that person's trait which you detest.

So, this means, that I am like that evil slut.

Am I?

I am selfish, right?

I mean, it's not really about knowing myself and the nature of the things and words that I do and say... but rather, it's by a simple clue/hint. Because he hates me, it means that I am like that evil slut.

Robbing his happiness away.

Did I really do that?

I keep telling myself that at least he was really happy at those times and all that... but the truth is, I don't even know it myself. I don't even know if he was truly happy, just by his laughter, smiles and seemingly interest in interacting. Like if you're friends with someone, those are some things you would do, right? And I thought so too.

And I mean... I know I couldn't be hated without any reasons, so there must be at least a reason. I don't know the reason(s) but I could guess just as much...

You know, they say that he really hated me and was all along 'playing'. And all along, I only thought, 'Playing couldn't be as detailed and well-planned as this.' And I also thought, 'I will only believe what he says.' The thing is... he never told me, so I could only guess. Not guess from other people's opinions, but rather from his words, his actions... In the end, there's no conclusion because both sides of the spectrum exist. It's confusing but...

Am I really that evil slut? Taking his happiness away like that? But I chose to leave, right? I chose to not bother him any more, right? And so he seems happy now, at least from where I could see him. I am happy because of that. I am sad because of that.

Happy because he is happy.

Sad because I couldn't be a reason for his happiness.

Four years in this school, each year except for Sec1 revolved around one man. Somehow, I wish I could be a Sec2 again.

I remember... it was like just lust and infatuation then, so the heartache wasn't that serious, and I could get the thrills, just by looking, because it was lust. So appearance was all that mattered.

Each year, the feelings get more love-like, and more serious. My last year... and I feel this time, I have really felt love. But it feels so wrong at the same time.

I remember contemplating whether to go for band this afternoon, like just for a while... And Shawn Yuen told me, 'If I want to go, then I should just go.'

I know, and I understand. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I don't want to make him unhappy again. I don't want to humiliate him again.

His friends can make fun of me when they see me for all I care, as long as they don't bother him. But things don't always go the way you want them to, right?

At this point of time, I realized I don't need those precious things anymore. The bottle, the watch, I am going to keep them at somewhere in my house, and get a new watch, a new bottle over the weekend. Next week, they will be away from me.

It's not because I am over. It's because those are just things. The memories that come with them... are always with me. Even the watch which I said, 'Wearing it makes me feel that he is always by my side."... now, I can always feel that he is always by my side, because I have memories.

I... A sudden of nostalgia rushes through me now...

If I could find someone whom I could reminisce everything to, I would. But hey, I have. Myself.

If leaving would be the best way, then so be it. I am really grateful for whatever that has happened. Even if there is now a tinge of regret that he hates me, I don't know what to do anymore.

He used to walk back a few steps to talk to me, now we past by each other without a word or signal. And he will only walk back a few steps for others.

The exit to this labyrinth is near, isn't it?

To think that all I wanted was for him to be nice to me, and to be friends with me. I honestly thought that if such a thing were to happen, I would be really really really very happy.

But I forgot that... I shouldn't be asking for anything. And because I forgot that, I created the hatred he has for me now. Even though it feels like it's all his friends' fault, but I can't blame them, can I? I only have myself to blame.

Love is a sacred wrath.

But Love encompasses not only Jealousy, but Tolerance, Forgiveness, Acceptance and Understanding too. Because I can do all these, I know it's love. The truest love so far in my life. I don't want to fall in love with anyone else in the future.

I am praying, that this is my last love.

...

"Even if I'm sad today And I'm weeping tomorrow, The day will come when I can say 'There were such days,' and smile"
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki

---

Well, today was the Science Practical exam... and well the waste of time waiting and the sweltering heat in the lab were... to die for.

Well, let's just talk about the exam first.

Physics was definitely super easy, and my graph looked kind of nice, so I guess that's good.

Chemistry... was fun, to say. The yellow glitter was so beautiful but Miss Jazliah said we must name them as 'crystals'... omg. I wrote 'Yellow ppt turned into shining yellow glitter'... or something like that. LOL. I also screwed the first question... where I wrote there was hydrogen AND oxygen produced when heating R, but well, only oxygen was produced and I didn't wait until the R has fully been heated... omg I hate these kind of waiting things, especially with burining/heating. They take forever! Chemistry experiments... cooking... I'm always so impatient!

But besides that, I think all was okay.

Anyway, after the exam, I had to get locked up in the Music Room for 2 hours and 15 minutes. Well, at least the Music Room was air conditioned... I feel sorry for the 4D people who were TRAPPED in the art room!

Well, while waiting, watched exciting recitals on the piano by a lot of people, and Mr. Low! And towards the end... omg there were people asking Miss Jazliah about Muslim related stuff.

Anyway, finally got released and went home. And here I am! Hahaha. Tomorrow, there's no school for me, because it's History tomorrow and I don't take History. Hahaha.

Ah, (stones as he thinks on something happy to end the post...)... ... ... hmm oh! Pictures! Hahaha.

Heh. Get ready please, for Justina Tey look-a-like.








The last one! I think the last photo... she really looks like Justina Tey! The girl on the right, by the way. And like... this is the Blue Ranger from MagiRanger. Omg... really looks like Justina Tey!!! Okay, now I think she's prettier than the Pink Ranger (please check a few posts back for reference pictures...)!



Okay, this one is a video her in the MagiRanger... this one should be Stage 47 (third last episode), where she and Hikaru sensei get MARRIED! I have not watched this video for a long time... but I think there should be a part where she's in the wedding gown. And you can see it clearer in video... REALLY LOOKS LIKE JUSTINA TEY!

She's like Justina Tey with bigger eyes and a bigger mouth. Like seriously...



This guy. Looks like Lucas. I mean Lucas Ng. Okay I think I chose a wrong photo, but like the Blue Ranger, it's hard to tell on the photos... but once you look at them like on videos... it's really look-a-like! Stairway to Heaven is on repeat at Channel U at 6pm every weekday. He seriously looks like Lucas too. But Kwon Sang Woo is so hot...

And lastly.



There's NOTHING that I hate about this photo. Everything is perfect.

Close up on Ayu's GORGEOUS face:



Yeah, my job's done! =D
Listened to music @ 8:37 PM