♥ Thursday, August 07, 2008
"We have our weak sides
We are not always smiling
Don't forget
That we don't exist for your convenience"
my name's WOMEN - ayumi hamasaki
---
I was described as being a cheerful person. While remembering what teachers wrote on my report books, they always say that I smile a lot and am very cheerful.
Perhaps in the far away past, where although I was scared in this house, I still showed a true smile, maybe it's because I still believed, maybe it's because I was really happy.
But now, at this current time, I can confidently say that whenever I smile, I don't always mean it.
When people ask me if I'm okay, I will just say that I'm okay and add a smile. How else do I lie to them? Why would I want to lie to them? I really have valid reasons.
1) I don't really want to explain every single thing that makes me sad.
2) I don't want my sad story to affect their mood of the day.
3) The main reason to why I feel depressed is because of him and I don't want people to blame him or to pass bad comments about him.
But apparently, there are always side-effects...
1) They think I don't mind anything because I keep smiling, so the violence/beating comes.
2) I just become a lifeless person, smiling for the sake of smiling.
3) Maybe he thinks that I'm happy, leading the life that I really wish could have him in it...
But there are times when I can't smile. Like this afternoon.
I saw at the primary school canteen, and it's the usual ignoring... perhaps that was okay but something before that affected my mood, and the ignoring was like the extra spice to break my heart.
I walked past his class after PE and Justin Yap and Sean Tang were walking in front of me. Then, when I reached his class, Sean Tang was like, "Where is Mark?" and he said it several times and very loudly too. So I mean, obviously his whole class heard it.
I told Sean to stfu and then I just walked faster... to run away, like I always do.
Then at the staircase, I turned my head and I saw him at the back door, and then he was like playing with Justin Yap.
If I were at there, what would he do? I have come to realize that I will always be some stranger walking past him every time and... I mean I know I may not be as cool or humorous like Justin Yap but still... oh well.
He will always ignore me, and perhaps it shouldn't hurt so much because I know his rationale. But whenever I remember the times when he would treat me the opposite way... it just hurts very badly to know that you have to pretend not to know each other.
Maybe he has always along wanted to ignore me. Like I always never existed.
Because I felt heartbroken, I fled to the library and cried again.
I remember there were a lot of people there and I really wanted to be alone but I felt too sad so I just sat and cried.
I remember James Onggo went up to me to ask what's wrong, and I wanted to smile and act like I'm really okay but I'm just too sad... so I didn't say anything and I cried even more bitterly. Then James was like "okay I'm so sorry..."...
I really can't control the tears from overflowing...
I think I cried from 2 30 to about 3 15...
It was just too sad.
And I wish he knew I was so upset.
But could he do, even if he knew?
Honestly, he doesn't have to do anything; I mean even if he were to just sit beside me and not say anything, I would feel that great sense of comfort too, because the fact that he would care...
But reality is always so cruel.
Maybe it will be my death that makes him understand something. I don't know, this is usually the case. But in any case, what if he feels guilty (very unlikely though) for the rest of his life? Then there's no point in me dying because I honestly just want him to be happy.
Still, I wished so strongly that he would be like how he was, patting my shoulder and asking me not to be emo.
Memories, always so beautiful to reminiscence...
I can only live in the past, can't I? Because it's always so beautiful...
"Even if the whole word decides to abandon me, even if they decide to not believe in me, you must not, because my heart is in your hands, and I love you."
---
"There might not have been such a thing
Since the beginning
The happy, sad
And tender story
I might be dreaming
And see illusions
I might be sleeping away
Too long
In the season of the blue sky
And the scent of summer
I remember your profile
The scenery of the city began to be distorted
I searched for sunglasses
To lose all the colours
What I wanted to be
Was not a princess
What I wanted to have
Was not glass slippers
What I wanted to be
Was me being with you
What I wanted to have
Was your heartily smiling face
A wind with the scent of summer
Passed through the sky today
I nodded and said to myself all right
If it's destiny
As we were talking about
We can meet again somewhere
la la la la la la i...
I nodded and said to myself all right
la la la la la la i...
Because I'm very strong"
monochrome - ayumi hamasaki
I think this song express my feelings well, and it's not because of the last line... You know that the 'Because I'm very strong' is a paradox, right?
The actual song has a guy banging a door and shouting, "Yeah, right!" right after that line... it's a lie...
I'm not strong at all.
Listened to music @ 7:34 PM
