♥ Sunday, August 31, 2008
"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up
Without looking back
Nor running away
Some day you will understand
That I have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki
---
My heart is bleeding. I made a decision a while ago. I made a tough decision. It felt as though everything was meaningless.
Did I make the right decision? I hope that I can understand it myself some day...
And suddenly, I feel like dying. I feel like ending everything. I feel like killing myself.
It was such a long since I've felt such a way... because I always thought myself as someone strong, and that if anything were to happen, I can take it in my stride, and continue walking.
But some day, I will get tired of walking too.
Some day, even if I were to persuade myself that it's all right to just end communications and whatever with you, there will be that time when I would miss you greatly, and asking myself why are things in their current state.
Somewhere, under this big sky... you are there too, being yourself.
Your happiness is more important than my happiness. I'd rather be suffering alone here than to be at where you are, appear in your sight, and make you unhappy.
Because if you are happy, I would be happy too. If you're unhappy, at least I wouldn't be at where you are to add on it.
And I think it's something heartbreaking.
Something like, hey, we have been through a lot, done so many things together, created a beautiful memory that is too dazzling that it pierces my eyes whenever I reminisce... why?
Something like, if you do hate me from the moment you know about it, then why were the past few months so happy?
Unless... it was just me being happy, while you were forcing myself.
But you didn't have to do all that.
Or rather, I can tell right, from your words and actions, how you felt at those times.
I could tell, from those times, that you were happy too, and that you didn't dislike me being by your side or anything...
It's like, the past was really very beautiful. Like, you couldn't be lying about them, or you couldn't be feeling forced to act out everything.
Even so, why?
I could say that I could be very happy right now, because I have the memories, but I know I'm lying.
I don't even know how you feel. I don't even know what your thoughts are. Please, even if you were to shout, please let me know your thoughts and feeling.
Please tell me how you felt during those times when I was by your side.
Please tell me how you felt at those moments. Please tell me how you felt at those various events and happenings.
Please tell me...
And then, while at some part of me, thinking and wishing that I could stay by your side again, another part of me thinks and wishes that you could tell me how you feel.
I feel so confused now... and again, the tears are falling. Just when I though I wouldn't be able to shed tears anymore, I just did. Why?
Supposing that two people were meant to walk in two separate paths, away from each other, then please tell me, why would they even cross each other's paths in the first place.
It's because everything didn't make sense, and that this contradicts with that, that I feel so upset.
Even if it's the truth, that you hate me, please tell it to me, instead of me guessing it to myself, or having to hear it from other people.
I don't know...
I don't understand what the point of meeting you was. I don't understand what the point of knowing you was. I don't understand what the point of missing you was. I don't understand what the point of loving you was.
If it started with something that I said, then it must have ended with something that I said, right?
And to continue walking is such a boring and detestable thing, that I wonder, why do I need to? Why couldn't I always stay at this place, and reminisce our days in the past?
Why did I bother to pretend to "walk forward", when I never was.
Because I only wanted to be your side, and be your friend. Because it happened before, I know that it isn't a big sin.
But now...
Time is cruel, and the present is created by this cruelty.
When can I look for a release? But I don't want to look for one. I want to always have you in my thoughts, until the day that I fall into an eternal sleep...
We have always gone through with everything we had, right? When I was standing by your side... and hanging on to you, because I had nothing else to hang on to in this world... what were you thinking? What were you feeling?
Something echoes in my heart... as if telling me that you didn't care. But I really don't want to think that way. Or... I don't know. I'm in a state of confusion.
Sometimes, when I put quotes up on the beginning and end of the posts, I wonder if people took them in their most direct meaning.
Because they shouldn't.
Or rather, whatever quotes I put up, I may not have done anything in it, or not all of it, but the feeling that the quote gives me is what I am feeling, which is why I use it. So maybe I wasn't crying, though the quote would have put it.
---
"We walked hand in hand
We laughed and cried over the trivial things"
untitled ~for her~ - ayumi hamasaki
...
"I can't go back
However much I long for it
It was really fun at that time
But that time is not now
I remember I've always drawn down
The curtain in an awkward way
Where are you?
Where have you gone?
You have maybe gone on a long trip
With the most important person
If I had ever
Said something
It wouldn't have been the starting
With the ending being at sight
As I can't behave like a child crying for something
All I can do is to say good-bye
And I walk on
I try to walk alone
So that I can light my way
Without you
Being human is sorrowful
Is being human sorrowful?
Being human is joyful
Is it all right if I think so?
And I walk on
And you walk on, too
With light shining
On our two separated paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 12:00 AM
