♥ Friday, August 29, 2008
"How am I looked
In your eyes from where you are?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki
---
Yesterday was my Higher Chinese paper and as usual, it was easy. I don't know why, but all the papers so far are like so easy... and I have a bad feeling about this. It's not me doing badly in the end... but something else.
September holidays... I'll be studying. Mostly for E-Maths and Physics.
Summer is ending in two days' time...
Besides smiling, no matter how false it is, I can't do anything else. I can't think of putting another mask to deceive people, because being happy is the best lie. Whether you're truly happy or not, happiness is still the best lie. It makes people believe that you are okay with everything and they won't label you an 'emo' (which is so irritating by the way)...
Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're sad or not. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you have anyone to pour your sorrows to or not.
Because, sometimes, when you do too much of that, you make other people feel bored and irritated of you. I am sad and shocked to know that some people whom I talk to about certain things actually dislike it. I mean, maybe they were being tactful when they didn't tell me... but since I know about it, then I should respect their feelings and not mention about that certain thing to them anymore.
Even if the whole world doesn't want to listen to me, I can always have myself as a confidant. Even if no one remembers, or rather, because they don't know, I can always reminisce to myself. In this way, I won't forget, and everything will still be okay at the end of the day.
I used to interpret Ayu's songs in a very simple and superficial manner...
For example, one of her songs, part of Me, was something that I discovered a new side/meaning of today.
If you read the lyrics... oh wait, no one who reads my blog reads Ayu's amazing lyrics. Okay, never mind. The title of the song can obviously tell you what the gist of the song is.
part of Me, is basically about how two people are connected in such a close manner that even though their "bodies are far apart", their "hearts are just next to each other".
I used to think of it as like that.
Rather, I think there's three different types of thinking for part of Me.
1. The song is positive and happy, and about the strong love and connection between two people.
2. The song is sad and depressing. You know how he feels, but does he know how you feel?...
3. The song is full of morose. You think you know he feels, but do you really? At the end of the day, you wish that he could tell how he feels... and that is your greatest wish...
I used to always think it as 1. Last week, it changed to 2. Today, it's 3.
I finally understand what part of Me is about. I think I know how you feel, but I don't. Even if we aren't supposed to be friends, even if you hate me now, I wish to know how you feel... from the start to the end.
If you honestly hate me, I would know what to do. I'm not that sort of people whom you see on TV dramas where the lover ends up killing the person they so called "loved a lot"... or end up destroying their lovers' lives through their REAL beloved and what have you.
I'm not that sort of person, so even if you were to tell me the truth, which is that you hate me, at least you would have reassured my thoughts for the past month.
I think... with so many things going on, and so many thoughts running through my mind... I'm changing, in a way.
I have begun to finally see what Ayu was trying to say in her Secret album.
This what she said:
"But it's not a secret in the sense that "I'm about to disclose something you didn't know!" Instead, it could be about "me" in my daily life, or it could be about you… Everyone keeps secrets; there is not one person on this planet who does not have at least one secret, nor is there a person who can tell others everything about him or herself. Even when you try to understand others (or to have a mutual understanding with others), there is always a "you" that only you know about. I have aspects that only certain people know about and aspects that everyone knows about. That's what I call a secret. And in this sense, there are secrets incorporated into this album."
Even so, I want to know you. But hey, dreams will always be dreams. I know my clear way between a dream and reality.
I tried to make you know how I feel so much, that I forgot about knowing how you feel.
Your embarrassment, the disgrace that you felt, the unhappiness and wrath that you felt towards me... I finally understood.
Maybe it made me sadder, maybe it opened my thoughts up.
"While the music video for the song leads non-Japanese speakers to believe the song is about Hamasaki's estranged relationship with her now deceased father, the lyrics of the song seem to tell of a girl who believes the last miracle of her life was loving her ex-lover. Now she stands out in the cold, in the snow, waiting for the day when they'll be together again. She holds on tightly to the thought of him coming back, as if it had never been proven hopeless because was her very first miracle was being able to meet him in the first place."
And that's how I feel now.
Faith, hope... even if people were to tell me that I'm being stupid, I don't mind. I just want to wait, until that day...
Perhaps we have created and shared a strong bond in the past, but that was in the past. The present is that you hate me, and that bond now strays in my memories. But I'll still wait, because I love you.
If it's what you want, then I won't try to be near you anymore.
Even though there were and will still be nights when I feel estranged and lost... missing the sort of feeling that I had when I was with you, or wonder why things are like that... everything will be okay. Or at least, that was how you made me feel.
The momentum of my faith will never waver.
---
"I sometimes wonder
If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born
Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart
Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling
I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect
Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts
Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry any more
I won't leave you alone
Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry any more
I know what you are feeling
I'll protect you forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you
I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:37 PM
