♥ Saturday, August 23, 2008
"The season that I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good
Like one who can hardly resign himself"
It was - ayumi hamasaki
...
I'm one who can hardly resign myself? I don't know.
These days, it feels like everything was empty but I'm trying to make them appear full. Perhaps it did help to a certain extent - I laughed a few times here and here...
But in the end, when I'm alone at night and thinking over certain things, I am still left with this empty shell.
All emotions, happiness, pain, sadness.. I don't know how I perceive them now.
I wonder what is the point of thinking of so much to write when all I want is so direct and simple.
I want you to know; I want you to understand. Know my pain and sadness, understand my reasons.
But you won't. I thought in the past that it was because I didn't try, but I did; I sent an e-mail. No reply... nothing... nothing...
Why? I ask myself what is it that I did that make you detest me so much? Is it because your friends make stupid comments when they see me? I don't know why it appears as though I want all these... I really don't; I want peace and quiet too.
It pains me to know that you rather blame me... than to... forget it. I don't wish to create excuses.
What else do I need to do...
"How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late"
Secret - ayumi hamasaki
False things... spending every day smiling and laughing for the sake of them. For the sake of appearing strong, for the sake of shutting people's mouths up, whether it's their consoles, or their insults.
I only had the truest things when I was with you. The smiles, the laughs, the tears, the joy... everything that I felt when I was with you were the truest to me. Without you being by my side, or knowing that although you are somewhere far away, you're always next to me... I'm empty. Always empty.
When can I have back those true emotions? Or do I need to always depend on my memories? How am I seen in your eyes? Who am I to you?...
Questions left forever unanswered; pain left forever unhealed; tears left forever running; happiness left forever in my memories...
Maybe if someday you would surprise me by suddenly saying hi, or your usual greeting, I could have found back the real emotions.
But for now, I can only pretend. I want to pretend.
If you perceive me as being happy, then I have succeeded.
Anyway, a song pops up in my mind now. The lyrics look very happy... but I don't know why, I felt sad when I listened to it.
I felt depressed.
Like, our little synchronized movements sometimes... and the many many many things... like as though we were born as one before this life. Is this what the song was trying to convey?
I can only shed tears until that day...
...
"I sometimes wonder
If we had lived
Sharing one life
Long before we were born
Because I feel your heart so close to me now
Though our bodies are apart
Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling
I once knew
That maybe because we were born separated
We come to think
We are imperfect
Because we desire the same happiness
We keep the same wound in our hearts
Again and again I shout
Not to forget you at any time
Please don't cry anymore
I won't leave you alone
Always, always I hear your voice
Calling my name
Please don't cry anymore
I know what you are feeling
I'll protect your forever
I'll think of you
Even if time may change everything
I'll think of you
I sometimes wonder
If we will live
Sharing one life
If we are born again"
part of Me - ayumi hamasaki
......
"Because we desire the same happiness, we keep the same wound in our hearts..."
I need to make myself happy. So a picture for ME to be happy.
David Villa. He holds a special place in my memories because of something that happened. Always, always, it's something to do with you.
Listened to music @ 2:10 AM
