♥ Friday, August 08, 2008
~ Part I ~
"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile some day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki
---
The daily horoscopes said that today, I will be self-reflecting a lot and... wow how true. I have decided many things and I...
Today, the school had National Day celebrations while the main band went to the NEA building for a performance.
School ended earlier than their performance, so I waited at the canteen for them to return.
Many things happened when they returned, and I don't wish to talk about them.
I only know that I was really sad at that time.
I noticed so many times ever since after the Botanical Gardens performance, that really, we walk past each other as if we're strangers.
Is this supposed to happen? I don't know; I don't have an answer.
But I'm really tired. Tired of feeling sad all the time, tired of crying at the library every other day... tired of everything.
They're all right. It's not worth it.
Because the memories are so beautiful, it's not worth it to feel sad over them. They are meant for me to reminiscence and cry with tears of sadness... they are meant for me to reminiscence and smile, and perhaps shed a tear or two...
It's not worth it to cry over our happy times. I realized that today.
Though the past was really fun, and I wished so badly to return to it, but that was then and this is now. I realized that today.
Wherever we are at now, even if we may be alone, even if the circumstance was the same as the past, at this point of time, we will always be strangers. I realized that today.
He doesn't really care about the past and the memories; perhaps it didn't mean a lot to him. I realized that today.
But whatever it is, I should always be here to protect the memories. And so I do.
He hates me now, and perhaps all along. Maybe it was something I did, or something I said. Maybe it's because he's sick and tired of me. Whatever it is, I know and accept the truth now.
But even so, it doesn't mean that everything was sad.
This whole thing is a story with a tragic ending; but as always, there are happy scenes to be cherished along the way... and I'm lucky to have them.
Despite the sad reality, I can always find something to be happy about.
Even if I can't be happy because I can never see and be with him anymore, I can always search for memories of the same sort of happiness.
With that, I can't be sad.
As I have said, our days together weren't something depressing that I dislike; on the contrary, they are something that I treasure so much, so... I shouldn't feel sad over the loss of them in reality, right?
Rather, I should be happy that I had them.
Just like how the saying goes, "Don't cry that it's over. Rather, smile that it happened."
I can do that. Really.
I will always cherish the memories, but I can't always make myself stick around him because... I have other things to do in my life, and he's sick of seeing me too.
So, by doing what I want to do now, I think it will help the two of us.
I wonder if he has forgotten about the days that we spent together, the things that we said, the laughter that we shared and everything else...
Perhaps it doesn't matter anymore.
I will go on a new journey, though I know that I will still always love you...
---
"But I'm prouder than anyone else that
The days we spent together weren't lies"
LOVE ~ Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki
I feel that so many songs are matching to my feelings now!
---
Part II
"Little by little, I've come to realize
That my past never heals
And that it's no use
Fearing the future I can't refuse"
No way to say - ayumi hamasaki
After 20th July, 2008, I have found that there are many changes in my life.
First, there was him. And how I have finally accepted things and decided to move on, no matter how much I still love him...
Then, the next thing is my brother is out of a part-time job, so he's staying at home every day until 24th October, when he would be going to NS. To face someone whom I hate to the core every day... I find it very hard and painful.
Basically, it is a fucked up life. But I'm trying.
I have came up with solutions.
I know my first change, I have already come up with a solution.
Next, I will most likely stay in school, at the library, until 5pm? To study before I go home. It's the best that I can do.
Maybe things wouldn't be so sad, if I bothered to try to change the sad things.
Perhaps when people say that life sucks, they're just saying it because they are feeling sad.
I can never believe that a person is always sad.
I can never believe that whatever happy moments you had, you were acting them out.
I can never believe that anyone would put in so much effort to fool someone they hate.
So, humans are not always sad. That is my belief.
I will look forward to tomorrow, because I can.
If I feel sad, I can always look back at the days I spent with him, and smile again.
I'll remember once more that I shouldn't take for granted the things which I think I'll always have.
You taught me that.
It's miraculous.
Perhaps I took the past for granted, thinking that I could always see you again... but... oh well.
---
"They ask me
'The beginning or the end?'
'Did you give up or are you holding on?'
'Are you shrugging off or in despair?'
You tell me to just go forward
They ask me
'Do you go with the flow or want to stop it?'
'Do you turn a blind eye or are you not even looking?'
'Are you fighting or raising the white flag?'
It's no time to be a victim and escape'
Mirrorcle World - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:09 PM
