♥ Thursday, August 21, 2008
"I pretended to be ready for the negative feelings
That would come after makeshift pleasures
I end up escaping from reality"
talkin' 2 myself - ayumi hamasaki
---
And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.
If I were to start wondering now, I know it wouldn't have happened.
(To be continued later on...)
Prelims starts next Tuesday! Feeling the stress...
Anyway, I wrote this sentence on the Maths test paper which I failed: "MATHS R GIRLS".
Well honestly, they're equally incomprehensible. At least to most boys.
But I've gotten my set of practice questions, and I'll work on it super hard, especially when I know I can ask Miss Png for help. ;)
What else... today was a day of many lasts. Last Chem practical, last Maths lesson, last PE lesson.
What? Last PE lesson? You don't know how euphoric I am over this.
Well, my days in this school are getting numbered. It feels happy and sad.
My only fears now are Maths, Physics and Social Studies. The rest are basically nail-able, since I know where I should work on already. I really want to get like lesser than 20 for my L1R5 this Prelims...
Oh well.
---
"Yes, I go
I walk on with my chin up without looking back or running away
Someday you will understand
That I just have to remain as myself"
decision - ayumi hamasaki
...
"Raising my head up, smiling a little
Looking up at the sky just for a while
Walking after being tired of running
In that way
"Am I ready?"
If I feel I need you
And you need me too
It seems we need no special reason
Don't you feel a daily life like this is not so bad?"
independent - ayumi hamasaki
And I realized, the word 'future' doesn't have 'you' in it.
If I were to start wondering now, then surely...
Suddenly, at those places, I felt empty again.
Maybe it was the gentle wind, maybe it was the people around me, maybe it was that feeling of nostalgia.
I can only look forward, and walk, right?
Because if I were to mop around... it's something that isn't me. It's not me to be standing around and asking myself why would such a thing happen. Since it's the truth, then I must accept it.
Though I would always wonder and seek for an answer, the answer would never be known, because I couldn't ask you.
I keep telling other people about how long it has been, over these few months, and everything that I have felt.
It's something like you always knew it was there, and you enjoyed while it was there, but you didn't know it would go away so soon... Like you wish it could have stayed a little longer, and the more you wish, the harder you try, the more you screw things up, the more it becomes shorter.
Perhaps that was what really happened.
We haven't seen each other for the past two days. I think it's something happy, because you wouldn't get to see me. If I couldn't see you now, maybe there's always the past to look at.
So I always go to the places that we have been together, and remember the words you said, the things you did, and the sky that day...
It cheers me up, somehow. So that I never lose hope that one day, things will be better.
~~~
"If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to that sea
The pain with the tears shed yesterday are changing
Into tenderness
If it's clear tomorrow, I will go to see you
Yes, I long to be with you
Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow"
July 1st - ayumi hamasaki
Summer ends on the 31st August. And I imagined that on that day, nothing would have changed. I will still be reminiscing as I am now, you will still be as who you are.
So, because it would be the same, I take that every day is the last day of summer, and I look back, at this summer.
And it unfolds naturally, like a story. A summer story. Perhaps it was a dream, and I was seeing illusions. Perhaps I was sleeping far too long.
I think July was a beautiful month. That's like the crux of summer, isn't it? And July 1st seems to be telling that beautiful story. Like how I always look forward to tomorrow, because I could see you again. Like how I stood next to you, and felt marveled by the many iotas and nuances. Like how happy it felt, when I could see you and be by your side. Like how exciting it was, to be able to be near you.
July...
And independent reminds me of June, where I didn't see you much, but when I did, I felt fun too. Like how I remembered what you did on that day in June... and the moths before that, and I felt so happy and uplifting... and I know I would be ready for such feelings. Such feelings of sheer happiness.
But as a season, summer ends too, and too quickly. Next summer, what would I feel? Would you still be in my mind? Would I have found someone else? I don't know, and because of that, I don't want to think about it.
Sometime from the end of the July to the present, I know things were ending. From the moment I felt guilty about always staying by your side... and how wrong everything appeared to be. I knew I had to distant myself from you. And you helped too, by expressing how much you didn't want to see me. It made things easier, no matter how painful it initially felt.
And now, I walk and reminisce. I would always remember the time we had, and everything. Our little secrets.
Like fireworks, this summer was transient. Like fireworks, you came and went, all too soon. Like fireworks, everything about you is so dazzling and stunning. Like fireworks, the end is near, or already here. Like fireworks, I feel sad when thinking about it. Like fireworks, I remember this summer.
Just like what Ayu said, she wanted to have a song to describe the bittersweet feeling of the ending of summer, so she wrote and sang HANABI (fireworks). That's the end too.
Bittersweet. How else could I describe my feelings?
June, July, August. independent, July 1st, HANABI. Summer. You. Memories...
...
"I'm looking up at the blurred sky
So that the tears will not fall
Why can't humans live
As they wish?
I need neither a weak heart preventing me from crying
Nor a strength without tears
I try to find a shooting star
Upon which to cast my wish
But I cannot find one
As day is dawning so fast
There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you
Every time I feel sadness
I habitually say, "I'm all right"
Something had ceased
To be on that day
And I can't even find a star
However long I pray
I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory
There is not a day
On which I recall you
Because I have never
Forgotten you
I want to see you
I want to see you
I don't know what to do
As you are smiling so tenderly only just in my memory"
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:59 PM
