♥ Monday, August 18, 2008
"I've never actually understood
And I've been pretending to understand everything"
Fly high - ayumi hamasaki
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Disclaimer: My oral exam and Jia Wei's birthday is NOT today, but TOMORROW, Tuesday! The blur me mixed the days up and I thought 19th August was today... ha...
Okay, now that that's done, let's talk!
Okay, so today was quite an okay day... I mean every day appears to be an "okay day" here, right? Maybe they really aren't, but I can't say the truth, can I?
Anyway, Mondays are really boring, maybe except for Lit lessons. Besides... I have one free period after recess, and then it's RME, which is still free period. So basically, I only have "real" lessons before recess.
Okay, so anyway, I was at home, on the sofa, watching the National Day Rally. Or was it the speech? Hmm... Anyway, it was kind of funny, like you don't expect PM Lee to be able to crack jokes, but he can, much better than a certain equally aged teacher in this school.
Ah, Prelims is 7 days away, and O' Levels are drawing near too. My heart is beating quicker, and it makes me feel happy and sad. You know, I'm quite excited for the exams, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the thrill of the completion of it, maybe it's... there's no other reason!
Time is running out, yet I seem to be wasting my time on something. Is it a waste of time? Everyone says it is, but I still don't think so.
...
Sigh. Today, I was still ill, and it got a little more serious. And the pain on my back kind of got intensified, so I couldn't walk after morning assembly.
And I realized that the pain worsens when I sit on stools/backless chairs, so Physics practical was... absolute hell. Then it was English, in which it was still painful, so I couldn't concentrate on anything.
Then, it was Lit. I don't know why but I just started reminiscing then. Reminiscing on the days that I spent together with him, and what he did, and how I felt, and how blessed I was at that time.
And the more I thought of that, the better I felt. Then at the end of the two periods, I felt much better. Maybe it's the sun, maybe it's because I really need him.
Then, during recess, it happened again. The usual, irritating, daily mockings by people whom I honestly DON'T EVEN know. What's their problem? I can't tell for sure, but I just felt them as immature beings.
Maybe this is karma, because I gossip a lot too, but I don't mind of the karma is directed to just me alone, but I really hate it when it starts affecting other people too, it makes me feel guilty and upset and I...
After school, I saw him again. This was the what, 2nd time seeing him today?
Anyway, we boarded the same bus, and we were standing between one small, petite sec1. He looked at his front, I looked at my front, which was his back. And then the bus just kept moving... until he alighted.
Maybe if it was some time in the far away summer, we could have said something. Maybe we could have laughed, like how we used to. But, perhaps it's something I did, perhaps it's something they said, things changed, like how they always do, and I...
I started thinking again, over the past few days. Fated? Foolishness? I don't even know what's going on. For the first time ever, out of the seven people whom I have fallen in love with, this one, I am the most confused about.
I couldn't reach a definite answer, but I didn't want to continue guessing, because it brought hope, and pain... So I pretended that I have found an answer, and lived in such a way.
The truth? The truth is him. I have always thought of it like that. Whatever he says, whatever he does, they are all the truth... and I take them as the truth. If he's nice to me, then the truth is that he doesn't mind being friends with me. I suppose such a truth has happened before...
If he ignores me, and pretends not to know me, then the truth is that he hates me and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. That is what's going on, and that is the truth now. No one knows for sure if the truth will change, but it will, because it has, but there's not much time left and... everything... could they be too late?
Obviously, you need a reason to hate someone and I'm not stupid, so I know the reason(s). It's boring and repetitive to say them out again, so I won't. I understand the reason(s), and I respect his decision.
But I don't have the courage to embrace my seemingly noble thinking. I'm too timid to really think that way, so I pretended to think that way.
I'm too afraid to forget and be alone again, so I pretended to be fine and continue walking, while the old scar in my heart continues hurting each night when I'm alone...
I'm too selfish to let go, so I pretended that I did.
Maybe all that I really want now is for people to stop talking.
But still, even though the present remains as cruel as it is, the past was beautiful.
Our history was briilliant, and it's the only thing that I look forward to each day.
I wake up to a new day, not looking forward to the future, but embracing the fond memories of the past, and living on them. That must be how I should be living.
I keep saying, "He was really nice to me." Honestly, I have never really stated examples, right? But this is not some Lit/Geog exam; I don't have to state examples.
I don't care if you (as in the reader) think that I'm exaggerating and lying, I only know that I'm not.
Why do I need to state what he has done? I mean, I just grin, laugh, and smile when I think back of the days, and it's so embarrassing to write them down... So, I just keep them in my heart, and my memories would always play back those moments for me to reminiscence. In this world, only the two of us know what happened at those times.
Honestly, it could be just me, as in it's just me alone remembering, because to be realistic, I doubt he remembers; I doubt he even cares. Of course, it takes a great deal of emotion to actually do those things in my opinion, so perhaps he didn't forget. But it's not like he has told straight in the face that he still remembers, so...
I could only stay, and protect these memories alone. I don't care if people think I'm stupid and naive, because I have thought of myself as such too, but it doesn't matter anymore.
Nothing matters anymore.
Even if he would to pretend not to know me today, tomorrow, and forever, that is the truth. But I can't deny that the past was another truth too.
Because of that, I can accept the current truth, because I had the past truth.
No matter what happens, my days with him are never-fading.
I can only say that I'm prouder than anyone else that the days I spent with him weren't lies.
So, I walk on. I will still continue to smile, because I don't want to face the reality if I were to cry. Of course he wouldn't care if I'm smiling, crying or showing a poker face; more less if I died, but still, just in case, I don't want him to feel sorry for me.
If there is to be a day when he would forgive me, it shouldn't be because he wants to sympathize me, it should be because he really wants to.
Smiling, being happy. I'm a master at faking such positive emotions. I always will be, until that day...
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"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
fated- ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 9:32 PM
