♥ Wednesday, August 06, 2008
"We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout"
Because of You - ayumi hamasaki
...
I wonder if you know how your friends mock at me. I know you don't blame your friends, because they are your friends, for laughing at you. I know you blame me instead, because if I didn't exist, then they wouldn't do all that.
What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?
I don't feel good when your friends laugh at me, or point their fingers at me and then whisper to the guy next to him, or when they keep staring at me, or when they keep mentioning your name when they see me...
I feel even worse when I realized you blame me instead of them for your humiliation, and I feel the worst when I realized that it's really all my fault...
I wish I can talk to you privately, and find out why you really hate me so much, or anything else.
I felt that we spent so much time together that surely, we could be friends. But... sigh.
Am I supposed to delude myself now that whatever I just said were all untrue?
until that Day...
---
Anyway, I'm surprised to know that so many of my peers wish to pursue music.
I know of three now, though one of them is just my inferring...
But still, they wish to pursue music.
It's not that I don't want to. I think having a career in music is one of my dreams.
But reality is such that your dreams... can't always be fufilled.
I am unfortunate to be untalented and musically declined, and as such, I have come to terms to stopping anything music-related soon.
I mean, if you ask me, I really want to be a musician in the future, but those are just far away dreams...
Face up to reality. And I will realize that I am not cut out to be a professional musician next time because I am just too lousy.
Maybe I'm not, but does it matter? I have seen for myself, my own standards for the past few months.
I know where I stand.
So, good luck to the fellow peers who wish to pursue music; I'll most likely end up in an office, wearing a tie, doing a job that I hate every day of my life...
I have so much feelings, but I don't know how to express myself. Whether is it my despair over my dreams, or my depression over him, or my wrath over a certain someone living in this house, or my fear and agony over his friends, or my worry over my studies...
I can't find any words to express them, and I...
"Though I have firm feelings
You see, I can't change them into words as usual
Everyone is living this way
With feelings they can't express"
No way to say - ayumi hamasaki
...
"Good-bye, even my last words don't reach you
I'm made to realize the coldness of this parting
I wish I could have heard from you
That you never regretted the days we had spent together
Just once, even if it had been a lie"
Memorial address - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:31 PM
