♥ Friday, August 01, 2008
"It's my nature to go out of the line somehow
If you want to sting me, feel free as you like with sharp words
I can't follow a person ahead of me"
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki
---
And my right arm hurts horrendously now...
Seriously, I wonder what do people think when they start hitting me. I'm immune to pain? I don't mind?
I wish I was immune to pain. I really do.
But because I don't, obviously it hurts when you people start punching and whacking me on all parts of my body.
I feel like laughing, and asking, "Is this a joke?", when you said that I won't feel any pain.
So if I don't, then explain the pain in my right arm now...
I really feel like throwing a fit, and shout to the word, that I mind so much for all their violence towards me that if I could, I would have killed all of them.
I really feel like punching one of them, just to prove to the rest that they shouldn't continue in their immature ways.
But I can't. It's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't...
The wrath builds up to a point and then... it disappears.
Is this what my life is supposed to be? A constant joke, insult and punching bag (in both physical and emotional aspects)?
I really hate it when people punch me or anything like that for no reasons; or for stupid reasons that don't make any sense.
I don't think I did anything wrong, though I may be a very evil and selfish bitch. So?
I almost fear coming to school every day, for fear that I am going to get punched again.
I can laugh with you for the first time that you do it, because I know it's for the fun of the fun.
But, really, the more you do it, you can tell it from my words and face. I really want you to stop. It's hurting me, and I wish you would stop, so I tell you that.
But you never listen, you never will. And you continue. And other people start to laugh.
Of course, I'm not laughing. This isn't the good laughing with someone but the evil laughing at someone.
This is when a joke/tease mutates to bullying and being mean.
I know that I am already very strong, because I have reached a point where I am not, if not barely, wavered by words.
Go on, insult and humiliate me. I don't care. It doesn't bother me.
But once you decide to use physical violence, I'm sorry I just can't take it.
The worst thing is, I treat all of you as my friends and... it's so much more painful like that.
I will be waiting for that day where I won't be harassed anymore. Sometimes, I really want to be left alone as I walk around the canteen during recess, thinking about the things that tug at my heartstrings.
---
"To live is to keep on choosing with our own hands
If you want to interrupt me, feel free to your heart's content with words or whatever
I don't waver with such things"
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki
~~~
"We are Beautiful Fighters
To be honest
There are some terrible days
But the girls who live
Without stopping nor giving up are
Beautiful Fighters
The unhealed wound
Sometimes opens
But shuts again in time"
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki
Well, yesterday was the English Oral for Prelims 2 and... I'm kind of afraid of my results!
So I went to the hall at around 2 20pm and sat down to wait, silent praying that I won't get certain teachers for the oral...
Anyway, I find it so strange why Carolyn/Caroline (let's just use the first one because my right arm is killing me) Goh always is the one who organizes all of us into sitting down and that kind of... BORING stuff.
Well, just stoned and talked and waited there until it was my turn and as I calculated from eons ago... I got Champion!
So, being the English Language lover that I am (or rather, because I'm afraid my oral marks would suck...), I asked all the 4E people around me about Champion; how she's like, what things she looks out for, and so on.
One thing Xing Hao told me was that if you don't give eye contact to her, you're dead.
So I said, I will stare at her during the Conversation section.
Then, the whole thing just started.
I remembered my reading aloud was kind of screwed up, because I know I rushed a little. But Champion it was overall quite all right, so phew!
Then, it was the killer section: Picture Discussion. I think I was usually quite okay in this, but I don't know what happened yesterday.
She asked me, "What do you think the boys in the picture are thinking?"
And I answered that using direct speech (i.e, using "I")... and omg later she told me that I'm not supposed to do that!
But she also said my Conversation was "obviously" my strongest point. It must because I really stared at her. Hahaha.
So, although she said I was generally all right, I was still damn freaked. My oral must be perfect because my comprehension sucks!
If I recall correctly, I got highest in class for Oral in sec2, and I got 33/40 for Oral in Prelim 1 when Audrey Chong took me.
So, this Oral MUST be above 30 marks, if not I'm so screwed... ~
Then after the Oral, I was stunned to see Xing Hao, Gabriel Kang, Prime and Chang Jun waiting at the porch... for me! Anyway they're going to Toa Payoh which was why they waited for me.
So, off we go!
Then during the journey of 28 (argh I hate single deck 28s...), Nicholas Tan called Xing Hao and somehow he will be meeting us at Toa Payoh library.
But went to MacDonald's first, while the rest ate and I just sucked (I mean ate) an ice cream.
Then we went to the library.
Then talked as we just grabbed books here and there.
Finally, we went to the third level and sat down. Guess what books we took. Stupid Gabriel Kang lah, took all the homosexuality books for me to read... but they were all interesting. And then we all took books on Love, Sex, etc. Omg all these books are just... so fun to read!
Then we left a 5+.
"We are Beautiful Fighters
We cried tonight
Just a little
But the girls who fight with the tomorrow
That is new and clean are
Beautiful Fighters
For we know
Our desires are
Never satisfied completely"
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki
...
Exit this blog now if you don't want to read about him anymore.
...
"The days when I loved you were the last miracle to me"
I miss you so much... I am practically spending almost every minute of my time in lessons thinking of you and wishing that I could see you, and that you could laugh for me.
"The season when everyone longs to be around people
Has come again this year
With warmth and coldness"
Winter is not here, and it never will be, but I realized that everyone wants to have company, and that everyone has someone he wants to always be with, just like how I want to always be with you..
While I look on other people being so happy with other people... it feels heartwarming to know that people are nice to people but...
I wish so much that I could be as close and happy with you, like how were for the past few months, and suddenly my heart feels empty again at the realization that I could never see and be next to you again...
"I remember the day
When we were too young with no knowledge about the word and walking
Laughing together and hanging on each other"
These past few months... our days together... do you remember them? Or have you already forgotten about them, no matter how endless and precious I felt them to be? Surely, I believed strongly, that you couldn't have acted out your tenderness towards me...
"What excuse should I make
For this wave of pain?"
Can I blame other people for my pain now? But I know it so strongly that everything was my fault... how many times have I said this? But I'm really sorry for my existence, and because of me, you got insulted and humiliated...
"Even in the night I'm freezing alone in the white snow
My love for you is my last courage"
Every night, before I go to sleep, I just lie on my bed... and think of the past moments... it warms my heart so much yet it makes me feel so much pain...
Life is sometimes so bad, especially during these days, and it feels like I'm being told that I can't live without you.
But I won't die yet, I won't give up yet, because my love for you is my last courage...
"I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven some day"
Tomorrow is the performance at the Paralympics... Nicholas Tan, Chang Jun, Albert and Justin Yap are playing. Xing Hao and Joseph are going to watch... but I'm going to stay at home...
It's not that I can't go, it's not that I don't want to go. On the contrary, I really want to go, so that I can see your dazzling smile again...
But I know that my existence is your unhappiness. I am your bane; your burden... I know that you will never forgive me for the mistakes that I have made but... I still believe...
I can only ask Xing Hao to SMS me anything about you tomorrow... I feel so pathetic and useless...
But still, I hope you will feel happy and have fun tomorrow, especially since I am not going to be there...
We had so much fun in the past, but I don't know why things can change so fast. All I know is that you hate me now, and I'm doing the right thing by avoiding you...
"I hold the rush of feelings
So that it may not spill down"
So I shouldn't look sad if I see you, right?
"Until the day our hands reach the white snow
My love for you is my last courage"
Will you ask where I am if you don't see me tomorrow? Maybe you would, just like the 20th July, and then you would say again that things are better since I'm not there...
If not seeing me really make things better, then so be it.
"My love for you is the last forever to me
That I could meet you was the first miracle to me"
I have known you for 3 years, and I only started have feelings for you last year. Really, to be able to spend time with you was so miraculous... and everything that we did together...
From the really bad times when you laughed at me and when you ignored me, to the really good times when I was by your side, and we shared a lot of laughs together... they are all miracles to me, simply because I know I don't have a very happy life.
But all good things must come to an end, and that's the harsh reality.
Even though you hate me now, a part of me still believes that you will remember the time that we had together, and you will still laugh at my foolish actions... like how you did at those times...
After the time we had...
I will wait for you to return...
until that day...
"The days when I loved you were the last miracle to me
The season when everyone longs to be around people
Has come again this year
With warmth and coldness
I remember the day
When we were too young with no knowledge about the world and walking
Laughing together and hanging on each other
What excuse should I make
For this wave of pain?
Even in the night I'm freezing alone in white snow
My love for you is my last courage
I wonder if I'm so stupid
Just waiting for the time passage
Believing that I'll surely be forgiven some day
* I hold the rush of feelings
So that it may not spill down
Until the day our hands reach white snow
My love for you is my last courage
* (repeat)
Even in the night I'm freezing alone in white snow
Until the day our hands reach white snow
My love for you is the last forever to me
That I could meet you was the first miracle to me"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 7:41 PM
