♥ Thursday, July 03, 2008
What is with my double postings these days? My second post today! Mainly because I just felt a sudden rush of feeling in a particular moment and I felt that I needed to type this down, before I lose that feeling...
I was reading through blogs when this particular blog caught my attention. The blogger's most recent post got my mind into thinking with this phrase from the blog,
*Blog's address and blogger's name is unrevealed to respect the blogger's privacy*
"love is just about giving without anything in return... *the dots are recurring, by the way*"
Anyway, the blogger wrote that phrase because he was inspired from some *cool* drama about a robot who/which developed feelings of love for his master... I don't know much about the drama but who cares, I love love stories.
Anyway, I was just thinking about this robot and this blogger's words... and I have learned something, again.
Yes, love is giving without expecting anything in return.
I don't know and can't remember just how many times I've told myself that... and I always fail to realize it. Because knowing is not doing.
I really know what love is all about, but I always never do it.
And it's because I'm selfish.
I mean, I'm honestly very selfish. A lot of things that I say and do root from the fact that I believe that something good will happen to me from it.
And love is not an exception.
I have fallen in seven people, with the current one being the seventh, and I can't believe just how selfish I've been with these seven people.
It was always, "I want to be with this person, I want to stay by his side, I want him to like me as a friend."
But... in the process of doing something that I thought was right and innocent, I've lost too many things.
Whenever I do that, I feel like I've dropped a mirror. And the mirror represents the trust and bond I have with each and every of these seven people.
The mirror breaks, and is in a million pieces. Putting them back together is no easy task, and even if I do, so what? The mirror is still a broken mirror and its reflection will always be flawed.
I think I can only say with confidence that I can still be friends with only one of the seven. Isn't that pathetic? But I can't blame anyone, because relationships, no matter how platonic and innocent, will always be tainted and destroyed when love comes in.
But I was really very selfish. I kept thinking about how I can be with that person, and all that.
Should I do what the robot did? But again I realized that I have a lot of differences with the robot...
1) While the viewers of the drama can obviously see the robot's complains towards himself, and the things that he does for his mater, I can't. I can't go around complaining to people about how I've done things for someone and all that. Because complaining just means that I'm expecting something in return. My objective is not expecting in return, remember?
2) While the robot is always with his master, and I'm quite positive that the master really likes the robot as a friend too, I'm not exactly on close terms with that person. I mean, at this point of time, I don't know. Just that he never tells me how he feels... oh well.
3) While the master's friends most probably likes the robot (I'm assuming), I'm so sure that his friends hate me or something. And they like to tease me and him too. Sigh, that makes things so complicated...
4) The ultimate difference is: I know myself very well, it's going to be hard for me to be as noble as the robot, because I'm just not such a noble person.
So...
From now on, although there might be moments when I wish he would treat me nicer and wish that he would acknowledge me, and wish that I could be his friend, and wish that I could always be by his side, I'll try my best to give without expecting anything in return...
Because all I want to do now, is to give him whatever he wants and attend to his needs. As long as I can see his smile, I can do everything. I want to see him smile and be happy. That is my wish.
Although everything is a mistake to begin with, although I just can't imagine a happy ending for this, I don't care anymore. I've reached a point of no return. I'm already so hopelessly in love with him...
But I'm really a useless person, and there are a lot of things that I can't do for him... I still wish to help him with my helpless self...
"Let me stay by your side, although I may bother you again and again..."
I don't wish to be that selfish person who just wants to be next to him and use him for my own happiness.
I will hate myself so much if I continue to do that.
I want to be that person who will be able to make him happy.
Though I will never ask for him to acknowledge what I do, or to know what I do...
Yes, that is my wish.
"When the white snow colors the city
Let me stay by your side
Although I may bother you
Again and again
When the white snow melts
And the city becomes vivid and colorful
I would like to keep you closest
To my heart"
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 9:26 PM
