♥ Tuesday, July 08, 2008
"Today was fun and tomorrow would surely be fun as well. 'These days will continue forever,' or so I thought at that time."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki
...
Yes, today I felt very sad again. Ever since Saturday, my days have been a downhill with a steep gradient.
I want someone to call me or come up to me now and say, "He is going to be nice to you tomorrow!", or "Everything that happened recently was just a joke!"... but no one would, because these things wouldn't happen...
I saw him a few times today, but...
Hwee Young told me today, "You see him, you feel sad. You don't see him, you also feel sad."
Why is he so right?
I thought I had promised myself to be contented that I can actually see him... Why is it that I desire so much for him to come up and say a simple, 'Hi'?
Maybe it's because I know it so well, of the days in the past when he would be so nice to me, that I felt reluctant to accept things as they are now...
I saw him again at the end of the recess, where I was at the toilet at his level (because the toilet at my level was crowded with people who look like they're going to start smoking or something...)... and he saw me, and I saw him. And we just... walked past each other. Without a word.
And it was like that. He pretended not to know me; I pretended not to know him.
I asked a lot of people on what it would mean if such a situation were to happen. And they all said that it means he is embarrassed or is afraid to be embarrassed. And I suppose that I am such a big joke and an embarrassment that he wouldn't want to be seen with me, much less knowing me.
He could joke and laugh with the rest of my peers, and actually anyone else, because unlike me, they are not a burden, they are not an embarrassment.
I don't know how long he wants to treat me like that...
The thing is, if things were like how I thought of it, that he would still be nice to me when we're alone... then why does he block me from MSN? It's not like his friends are going to know or something, right?
Perhaps he really hates me. Despite everything? But everything to me was just nothing, maybe even accidents, to him.
Suddenly, I felt like an Ayu album fits my mood now.
Okay, so actually this is NOT the cover of the album I was referring to. Just that the cover I have in my com is the CD-only version and it's just fugly, and I'm too lazy to google the CD+DVD cover which is just so much cuter... so I have to do with this cover of Ayu's "on my way" photobook, that comes with the album.
Yes, this album is called (miss)understood.
Don't you find the title very interesting? I mean looking at it, it was like Ayu is conferring herself as a Miss. Understood, understood by everyone, so she should be pretty happy. But when you actually say the word out, you realize that it sounds like misunderstood... I wonder what she means...
*If you think Ayu looks like Fredy, don't be shocked. Because Fredy does look like Ayu. ^^*
A lot of songs in this album fit my depressed and irritated mood now...
"Whether or not I may do something, I'm talked about behind my back. Let it be."
alterna - ayumi hamasaki
I really have enough of people passing sarcastic comments. STOP saying his name and stupid things like 'Let's go and find ****' when you see me, as if expecting me to jump in and get all excited.
STOP calling him to see me just because I'm near him.
STOP making fun of him. STOP making fun of me.
STOP making things awkward for the two of us.
STOP every single immature and girly thing that ALL of you enjoy doing.
---
"When do you first miss her? About that time, I realized the truth. I saw through the lies, and even if I pretended that they were the truth, it's just, just so excessively empty... This feeling is certainly known as 'love', isn't it?"
is this LOVE? - ayumi hamasaki
It feels like there was two of you, and I didn't know who to look at. Sometimes I feel that I know you, sometimes I feel that I don't know you at all...
You always look so happy and friendly to everyone around you... and when I see that sorrow in your eyes sometimes when you are in deep thought, alone... I couldn't do anything; what can I do?
'Why isn't it me?'... I felt that this question was just too funny and stupid that I didn't dare to ask you. If I did, would you tell me? Why isn't it me who gets to laugh with you? Why isn't it me who gets to talk to you?
I wonder if such a selfish thinking is even right...
---
"I don't ask for you to forgive me some day, but if you were to fight alone now, that's the definite sign for me."
criminal - ayumi hamasaki
Because I know you hate me now, and that the mistakes that I have made are so grave, I really have no right to ask for forgiveness... I only know that I can only stay by your side and do things for you to redeem myself from this crime that I have committed...
But you don't fight alone, because they are all around you. While I stay around there, disappearing with the wind... ...
---
Memories are beautiful in everyone's eyes, and my memories with you are the only things that push me on, in this world that I feel so alone and afraid sometimes. Because I know that I was so happy with you in the past, I felt that that warmth and joy from those memories were my elixir...
Yes, I know that even if I feel depressed now, I wouldn't be depressed forever. Because I can always remember those happy moments with you.
I wish someone can ask him what he feels, but no one would do that. And I don't have the courage to ask such a stupid question...
...
"Today was very sad and even if I cry tomorrow, someday the time will come when I can laugh and remember the time we had together."
SEASONS - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 7:25 PM
