♥ Thursday, July 03, 2008
"How many times have I sought for something, found and lost it, ever since that time? But your smile has taught me that we are now in the place closest to forever."
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My stress comes from three sources. Family, Band and Love. I can never say at any one time which source gives me the most stress because I simply do not know.
There are times when I feel immense unfairness and unhappiness from all three sources, yet I've miraculously gotten over them in such a way. Sometimes, I wonder why do people commit suicide. Is it because they can't take the stress? Is it because they feel that no one loves them?
But I feel both feelings too. I've technically met all criteria of suicide. So why am I not dead yet? What is it that holds me back?
... At the end of the day, who is going to love me? But maybe it's too early to answer that now.
I decided to blog the above parts because of stress from family. Something to do with my sister (who's younger than me) and her beating me up whenever she's unhappy over the computer issues. Beating with an umbrella. Sometimes she would use a knife, and today she threw a penknife at me (but thankfully it didn't cut me)...
Just take it that I was lying to seek attention and we would all feel better. =)
~
I don't understand why my feelings fluctuate as such. On Tuesday, I felt depressed and upset at the loss of certain things... Because having and then losing is so much more painful than not having in the first place.
When people want something, they wish for it and do their best to get it. When they get it, they worry and fear of losing it. It's only love. It's also studies, fame, status, wealth, health... many more.
But it's because these treasures are so sought-after and so easily lost and transient that we must cherish every moment of having them...
Yes, on Tuesday I was upset.
But yesterday... everything changed.
He's always somewhat nicer to me in band than in other parts of the school. I don't know why and it leaves me confused.
But in any case, I felt happy yesterday. Because I was able to stay by his side.
I'm not such a stupid person. I can tell signals that other people give, and thus interpret their feelings towards me.
I know that he dislikes me a lot. And I know why. Because... I cause him so much embarrassment in front of his friends that it's not funny at all.
It's okay if he dislikes me, I guess. I can't ask for much. But I'm still grateful that he allows me to stay by his side, and thus making me happy. I am very happy for all the beautiful times that I have had with him.
I know it's going to be a long time or never that he'll be nice to me again, but I will remember everything about the past.
Now, as long as I get to stay by your side, I'll be contented.
You just never know how much power he has. When I sat next to him, my headache disappeared, I felt happier.
Without him, I don't know how I can smile at all.
"I wanted to say 'Thank you', but I couldn't say 'Thank you' because it was like 'Good-bye forever' and too sad..."
The only thing I can say is I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for your classmate for pushing you towards me for a stupid reason which even I do not know. I'm sorry for putting you through embarrassment. I'm sorry for loving you.
Which reminds me...
I'm really sick and tired of those sec3s passing sarcastic remarks and behaving little girls whenever they see me. Please just stop. Please, take it as a beg, just stop.
"Whether or not I do something, I'm talked behind my back. Let it be."
But leave him alone.
Anyway, my heart feels empty and void... I can't say anything anymore...
When I am by your side, I felt like I could do everything. I just want to be by your side, and help you whenever you need help. I want to relieve you from all your fears and pain...
Please believe in me.
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"While some kind of loud noise was building, in my mind, it was was though I was collapsing. Unable to move, I just kept standing there."
Listened to music @ 5:19 PM
