♥ Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"My love for you is the last forever to me"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki
...
I thought today would be okay. I thought every day would be okay. I really foolishly thought that everything would be fine as long as I think it's fine, and just be happy about the simplest things.
But... where are the simple things?
After the bad cough and flu last week, this week, a new disease has manifested in my body.
During the Physics GEP today, I had a bad stomachache and it really isn't the sort where you rush to the toilet to clear your bowels.
It was that sort of stomachache that felt like so painful, and you wonder if you had food poisoning or if you had some appendix problem.
It was so painful... and I already had a bad headache ever since the previous night...
Then on my home, I remembered I was clutching my tummy and wishing that the pain would go away...
Despite all these physical pain, the most painful pain that lingered... was the heartache.
It was like this very empty feeling in your chest and you feel cold and shivery... because you are lonely and afraid...
Three formidable pains, all inside me. I almost felt like crying.
Anyway, I staggered home and rested and eventually the stomachache went away but the headache is still here, and no the heartache will never fade away...
And just when I thought everything was fine already, suddenly I had this queasy feeling in my stomach, like I felt so bloated that I lost my appetite for dinner... and really like vomiting. I tried but nothing came out so I just sat here, blogging, enduring pain from everywhere...
And I really wonder, why can't people leave me alone?
Wherever I go in school, people either start laughing, or they starting shouting someone's name... or they start hitting and touching me.
I'm really, really, really sick and tired.
The only times when I remembered myself being left alone was when I cried.
Must I actually cry to make people shut the fuck up? I think that's really pathetic...
Really, I just want people to leave me alone, to just stop doing all that stupid callings, to stop all that beatings.
I am already suffering from so much pain, I don't need anymore?
And once again, I thought of killing myself, or slashing my wrists.
You see, I guess I am a very ultimate kind of hypocrite. Because I never practise what I preach.
I remember telling other people who have relationship problems that they must leave that person and start life afresh.
I remember telling Hendrik that suicide is wrong and that there are many more beautiful things in life to live for.
I remember telling other people to stay cheerful and happy.
But what about me?
I can't do anything that I told others to do. I can't stay happy, I can't forget about him, I can't live without him.
I can't live without him.
It's like ever since I know about the truth, I get a bad cough and flu last week, and this week I am burdened with all these ailments.
Really, what excuse can I make for this wave of pain?
Right now, I am only remembering and holding on to the many many beautiful memories with him in the past to continue walking.
I mean, is there anything else that can keep me alive?
I wish so much for him to talk to me again, but...
I am only looking at him from somewhere far away...
I can only blame myself, right?
...
"My love for you is my last courage"
momentum - ayumi hamasaki
Crying... I can only do that.
Listened to music @ 7:40 PM
