♥ Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Wow this is my second post for this day.
July 1st seems like a beautiful day, being the birthday of my two friends, Justin Yap and Hendrik. I wish them all the best.
July 1st is an Ayu song too, and it speaks of memories and being with someone tomorrow and forever.
These two events are both such beautiful things.
But today, July 1st, 2008, feels like such a heartbreaking day to me.
I received and heard of news from various people one by one... and they seem to break me bit by bit.
Most of these news have nothing to do with me but I still feel upset because I don't like to see people feeling sad and useless... because if there's anyone who should feel such, it should be me.
...
And more news.
It's so weird sometimes... when you realized that certain feelings that you have seem so void. It's like how Miss Tan said to my class today,
"Everything in the past few months would be void" *paraphrasing*
I mean, I know of some truths and it upsets me because I feel that everything that has gone on for the past few months; the overflowing tears, the euphoric laughs... all went down to nothing.
I don't know and don't understand why you still have to block me from MSN if you are really okay with me. I guess it just means you are not okay with me, which is well upsetting.
...
"I stopped somehow
I felt like I heard your voice
Though I know you couldn't be there
I continued to search for you"
I always see you in school, appearing in many corners and areas with your friends, laughing like yourself and being ever free.
You are always there, and I am always so close to you. But it was like I didn't know you and you didn't know me. Every other junior in band at least bothers to say hi to me, but you? You treat me as your transparent, dispensable slave.
"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we want to come too much?
Though it should be just enough that we were close"
Take note of the past tense used in this stanza (and the rest of the song as well)... Everything was history, I suppose?
'We were close'. Are we? I always felt that the moments when you were nice to me was by pure accident, and it's only confirmed now, isn't it? You treated me nicely because you did all of them by accident. No matter how euphoric I felt those moments were, they turned out to be something so empty... so void... like they never happened.
"I felt like I found a profile like yours
Far across the road
But I didn't stop any more
I looked forward and kept walking"
I could only do that now, can I? Even if I wish to see you so much, and to be able to close to you, I can't. I can only stand/sit at somewhere far away and look at you. I can only do that. Because I am so sick and tired.
I am sick of Lucas saying sarcastic things and passing retarded rumors and comments.
I am sick of that Jervin/Shervin whoever he is saying irritating words whenever I walk past you.
I am sick of my classmates making noises and being fucking retarded whenever I am near you.
I am sick of random Sec3s coming up near me and passing sarcastic remarks.
I'm sure you're sick too, so I'm doing you a favor.
Stay away from you.
Are you happy now?
You have always hated me right?
I grant your wish now.
"The season I was with you was the shortest one
I felt everything we saw was so sweet
What did we leave and what did we lose?
And I wonder how long it takes from now until I can accept it"
The 50th Anniversary Concert, the Band Camp, the various events and many things... I hold them dear and close to my heart, only because you do beautiful things to me on those days.
You make me feel so pampered, something that I don't feel before, which was why I cherish you so much.
Even if I love you with all of my heart and will do everything to protect you, so what? You don't care anyway.
Then just let the rest of the fucking world think that I'm being selfish and want you because you make me feel differently.
"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good
Like one who can hardly resign himself"
I don't know what do anymore. You hate me so much. You are so apathetic about the whole thing. You...
The more I love you... the more my heart aches...
Right now. I will still say that I love you so much so much that I can die from it.
Because I really do.
The thing is you will never ever even accept me. I won't force you. But you won't even treat me nicely.
I am just your slave who should rightfully buy drinks for you and be your entertainment.
Then so be it.
Everything is just gone.
Your various actions... I can't accept the harsh reality but I have no choice, do I?
It was. Everything was just a "was". You never mean what you do to me except for the bad things and I still wonder why I feel so upset.
I'm stupid.
Maybe I am hopelessly in love with you.
---
1) Everything was just a "was".
2) I hate it when Music becomes a rat race and everyone ends up feeling sad from the thing that makes people happy.
3) Marists are like bitchy bitchy girls who love to gossip.
End.
Listened to music @ 9:53 PM
