♥ Monday, July 28, 2008
"The sky that I saw was beautiful
If only I could be strong and move forward
Just like you"
walking proud - ayumi hamasaki
...
After searching, I have found it. I have the found the answer.
No matter how sad and painful that answer is, it's still reality. And I still have to accept it.
The fact that you hate me. A lot.
I mean, I always thought that perhaps you don't hate me, and you have some sort of another kind of feeling that even I don't know of... and it brought me some hope.
But, I guess I was too naive.
I still remember how I used to be so obstinate and refuse to believe anything that anyone else says about you, especially when they tell me that you really hate me. I would say that I would only believe what you told me.
I guess, I was always wrong.
You have never liked me as a friend. You have always hated me to the core.
You didn't tell me that you hate me, but I know it because two different people told me the same thing relating to a particular situation. Surely, they wouldn't be lying.
The irony is that, after I know that you hate me, people suddenly start coming up to me to tell me that you don't hate me, that you care about me...
A part of me tells me to believe those words; I know I'll be happy.
But... no matter how I believe them, and deceive myself, the fact that you hate me still remains a reality. And I realized that I can never run away from reality no matter how hard I try, because it never fails to manifest itself in front of my eyes.
Just like today, when you ignored me on all three times that we met each other.
It's like, when I see other people actually saying hi to you, and they do stupid stuff like hugging you... I ask myself, "Why can't I do that?"
And I start to wonder why do you ignore me like you don't even know me at all...
Before I get pulled back to the facts. Reality check: you hate me a lot.
So you're not supposed to be nice to me or to talk to me.
I realized that... and withdraw my feelings yet again.
And then on the bus, I tried to join in the conversation, so that you would talk to me. And I failed horribly. I mean you just flat out ignored me.
And once again, it just shows that you hate me. Not forgetting with concrete evidence from the fact that you blocked me from MSN.
But, if you hated me from the start, then what do all those happy moments mean? Were they all lies? Did you make them by accident?
Maybe I should be angry. Maybe I should hate you too for those happy moments that are just fabricated lies.
But strangely, I don't feel hatred or wrath. I feel a sense of resentment. Towards myself.
Perhaps none of this would have happened if I hadn't been so useless.
If I could be more smart, and prevented you from getting humiliated by everyone...
I mean, everyone must have thought that you are a very cool person, playing soccer and being the person that you are.
But because of me... I wonder if... people think of you as someone laughable and uncool now, just like myself.
I know it's my fault. It has always been.
But still, even if all the fun times were lies, I can only linger in them, and live in the past. Because if not... I couldn't be happy anymore.
I know there are still times when I wished so strongly that you could still be nice to me, that you could still see me and say hi, that you could be nice to me like in the past...
But reality is just too cruel.
I'm not someone important to you. I'm nothing to you.
If it's so, then I'm sure you would be happier now.
I am a useless burden to you.
But, since I know that you hate me, I can give more. I don't have any more reservations now, and I don't have to try to guess anymore.
Because, the truth is so stark - you abhor me.
So, I can just continue giving, in a way that you wouldn't know, if not you'll just be unhappy all over again.
Love is not a partnership. Love is giving; just giving more and more and more... when you have given everything... that is Love.
I really believe that way.
Wow, why am I still hoping that you don't hate me?
YOU HATE ME!
It's the blatant truth. Accept it.
I'm still grateful that I have these memories to keep with me. Though I'm trying very hard now to appear happy in front of you... it's very hard but I can do it.
Now that I am not going to ever return to main band... that thought gives you the thrills, right? Well, no big surprise, since you hate me so much.
But I still want to see you. And I will do so, seeing from somewhere far away...
Maybe (oh wow the delusions) you just don't know anything; you just don't know the sort of impact you have on me; you just don't know that your words and actions are so important to me.
But they are not anymore. For I know that you truly hate me.
So, the delusion is invalid.
I can only move on slowly, while you stay happy, or I suppose even happier than before.
That day was far away, beautiful, and I will cherish it.
Just for that, I have the strength to walk on.
It's because of you. That I could have such days.
...
"So I walk on
You'll go too, won't you?
With light shining
On our two separate paths"
End roll - ayumi hamasaki
Everything is over... and done with. I wish you could always be happy...
Listened to music @ 3:37 PM
