♥ Thursday, July 17, 2008
"Please tell me that this pain is surely an illusion
Please tell me that I'm not like myself at all now
Please tell me, because otherwise, I would yearn for your warmth again"
GAME - ayumi hamasaki
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... I don't know what to say, again. Nowadays, I feel that people are too bored and sick of listening to me talk about him that I bet people roll their eyes and click on, 'Next Blog', when they chance upon the first word of every new post on this blog.
And, really, I can only blog to reflect my thoughts. Because no one else seems to be interested, I mean it's freaky if they are though.
So it's okay. Whatever happy or sad things that happen, at least only I would know.
Anyway, today was generally a moody day... and my heart feels so empty.
Really, I don't know what he's thinking. Sometimes, I feel that he really likes me (as a friend), and sometimes, I feel that he abhors me. A lot.
I don't know?
But still, I will keep to my promise that I have made to myself. I will always stay by your side and help him in whatever way I can so that he can be happy and smile.
As long as I can do it, even if he may hate me or not know anything or not appreciate... I don't mind.
Please, just let me stay by your side.
You could look so happy when you were teasing about Cindy Liong and me... and when we were looking at the judges' comments and comment sheets on NBC... and when I said I want to go home and watch America's Next Top Model...
But the next minute, you suddenly just ignore me and just... treat me as a transparent being.
So, what does that mean?
But still, I reminded myself of that promise so I shouldn't feel so upset.
Perhaps I'm just overreacting because... he treats almost everyone like that, except for his really close friends.
Of course, I'm not a close friend; I'm not sure if I'm even classified as a friend. I just know that almost everyone is like that to him. Translucent...
But then again, even if he were to want to occasionally ignore me, or even hate me, I guess it's justified... because I know he has to put up with a lot of humiliation from his friends. Every time I hear his friends start laughing about me, I feel so guilty and upset, because I know I caused all these... and I couldn't do anything to make things better.
But in spite of all these, he's still nice to me sometimes... Maybe that's something worth celebrating.
But in the end, there's always that one thing that bothers me... which is him blocking me from MSN. I overheard from one of his conversation today that he still uses MSN, so he's not like "away" from it. So why did he block me? He dislikes me? I did something wrong? I don't know either.
Which reminds me that after Band, we were walking together to the bus stop and then he saw Marcus and started talking. I remembered slowing down my pace so that I could still appear to be walking but in reality I really was waiting for him.
I think he noticed it... and he just walked back to wait for Lucas. And then I just gave up. I told myself that I don't want to wait anymore. If it was fated, somehow I will see him again.
And I did. Because I saw him at the bus stop. Fated? I wish I knew the answer.
Which also reminds me that a lot of coincidental things happen between the two of us. I cut my right index finger by accident two nights ago, but I forgot to use a plaster. The next day, which was yesterday, I saw his left index finger in a plaster (which reminds me that I asked him what happened to his finger, and all he said was, 'nothing', but after that I heard him like explaining everything to Lucas... sigh just those sad things).
He bought a new bag on Saturday, and my mum was at Macau over the weekend. She came back, and viola! She bought a bag for me that's 99.99% similar to his.
Coincidence? Or is it all fated?
Anyway, I got pissed off by certain things that happened at home (just too tired and pissed to recall everything)... that sucks? I was already so pissed that Miss Lee banned all the band members from borrowing the Multipurpose Court key! I mean, I honestly don't understand why they can't lor; it's like... they're borrowing it to play soccer? And really, they will just pass it to me then I'll pass it to the Security Guards. If not, they'll somehow devise a plan to return the key. I mean soccer is their LIFE and not giving them a decent venue to play it is like such a shitty thing for them. I seriously beseech Miss Lee to give it more thoughts.
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If you want something, I'll make sure that you get it. Whatever that you want, I will give it my all so that you can have it.
Because the purpose of my life is to see your dear and dazzling smile every day, I wish to make you happy.
Even if you don't know anything, even if you hate me, I don't care. As long as you are happy, I will be happy too.
Even something as simple as watching you playing games, with your crazy cursing and shouting, it's such a joy to see you being yourself.
I think I can be really happy, even just by looking at you.
Because you are really that special to me.
And I forgot to apologize to you for all these months for the humiliation you must put up with... and your water bottle.
The truth is, I bought that water bottle, but I told Hui Xiong to give it to you on the context that Hui Xiong and I bought it for you, but Hui Xiong gave it to Jia Wei and Jia Wei said that it was all three of us who bought it for you. Since he mentioned himself and Hui Xiong first, I suppose you couldn't hear my name.
Which was why you're still using it now, right?
Because I am so sure you would throw it away if you know it was from me.
But alas, the truth would be out once Hendrik tells me this Saturday who your favorite senior is! Okay it's quite lame but I really just want to know.
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"When the white snow falls and colors the city, let me stay by your side, though I may be a bother to you again and again."
CAROLS - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 7:58 PM
