♥ Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, 19th July, 2008.
"Memories are sweet because we passed through the time
However sad now, we can talk about it with a smile one day"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki
---
Saturday was a happy and fun day, I suppose. Somehow, I felt that I could be posting this much happier and with exclamation marks everywhere, but because I'm only blogging about yesterday today, everything changed...
Anyway, I want this post about Saturday to be happy, so I will try.
I went to main band and he asked me why I'm so enthu and always come.
I mean, isn't that like so ironic and funny? Of course I go to main band just to see him, if not why else would I bother to go? But of course I can't tell him the truth so I just laughed and lied/said that I had alumni afterwards.
Then at the hall, I told him that I bought FHM and it was in my bag in the band room. Haha then he had that super excited face... which was so adorable.
Anyway, at the hall, we played Sway, and then ABBA Gold. So after Sway, he said that he has no parts to play (a big lie) in ABBA Gold so he asked me to go to the band room with him so that he can read the FHM.
So we went to the band room and... we just spent time there together as I watched him eating and reading the FHM (Leslie could be counted as transparent). A fun time? I suppose so. I could really remember how happy I was at that time, when it was just the two of us.
Then during full band, I was by his side and Mr. Chiang teased me! He asked me why I'm always there (as in the Percussion area) and wow it was so embarrassing can. Anyway, I had fun again because I could be by his side, and laugh with him about the stupid things that happen.
Then we went to Macs to eat (cos Alumni started at 3) and then I was so stupid, not buying anything yet, just waiting outside for him to come after he has played his soccer.
Well he came anyway but I couldn't sit with him so oh well. Then all the retarded but fun Mr. Wobbles jokes started coming up... and then I felt so happy again.
And the day ended on a beautiful note.
"Everything was shining, nothing to fear
And I was pursuing nothing but the beautiful dreams"
theme of a-nation '03 - ayumi hamasaki
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Sunday, 20th July, 2008.
"The season I was with you was the most dazzling one
Everything we saw was full of brilliance
Since when did we come to want too much?
Though it should just be enough that we are close"
It was - ayumi hamsaki
---
Because I couldn't understand that, and am a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself, I've hurt myself again.
Today was the last day of main band for me, because I felt that I had no more excuses to return anymore...
So... I wanted this last day to be beautiful.
But because I wanted it so much, all the more I couldn't get it.
Right from the start at the band room, he was already treating me as non-existent. And then it got worse and worse and worse and worse and worse...
I remember at the Botanic Gardens where the bunch of us were waiting and guarding the percussion instruments backstage, he said I'm sometimes very irritating, just because I was blocking his view of something.
And then, my heart sank and I thought that perhaps... he has always thought of me as such.
But I told myself that I really just want him to be happy and to smile, so I felt a little happy that I could still be by his side.
As long as I could be by his side, I don't mind whatever other people say, or anything that happens.
Or so that was what I thought.
Anyway, after our performance, I was taking photos for the percussion backstage and then we just walked around to find drinks... and even though he wasn't talking to me or anything, in my heart was still a sense of happiness and a feeling of gratitude that I could be near him.
But when we returned to school... James was making an announcement which involved the percussion section staying back, and because I didn't know what the purpose of staying back was, I shouted "for what!?".
And then Fredy heard it and he scolded me which was still all right at that moment. But afterwards he wanted to see me and...
He scolded me again. And... it feels really painful to try to recall everything he said so I guess I'll mention the important stuff. He said that I'm not a percussionist in the first place, so I don't have any right to be making decisions for him or for his section. Even more so, I'm just doing wrong things by making noises and protesting here and there whenever something bad happens. And if I were to continue with this audacity, I would be banned from going near the percussion section.
Most of the stuff above were paraphrased but I'm sure the crux of it is still there.
The thing was I felt very upset after that. And it was not because Fredy scolded me or whatever, but it so happened that everything that he said was the truth.
I hate it when people scold me, and they accuse me along the way, or scold with the basis of something that never happened.
But I hate it even more when people scold me with contents that are hauntingly true. Because I would feel guilty and remorseful and it's a horrible feeling to have.
Then they said to take a band photo. And I followed... and I remembered somehow I was next to him. I think he noticed it too, and he left to the right to lie on Zhi Hui's shoulder, while I just move to the left... feeling reassured of what he feels.
I think that perhaps he doesn't really like me anyway.
It must be that.
Oh well.
Even if it's true, at least I had fun this week, this whole period of time.
I mean, I am beginning to understand more and more, what it means when you feel happy just to be by someone's side, and to see him being happy and laughing and smiling.
Because I feel that I am happy by doing so, suddenly the many things that used to bother me don't bother anymore (or as much) anymore.
Sure, it still hurts when you suddenly ignore me but... still I was able to stay by your side.
But of course, I can't do that if it's not for a lot of people.
I feel that I must extend my gratitude to Mr. Chiang and Fredy for letting me be willful and get my way for a lot of things... which are all so overboard. I really hope that you won't get any junior/student like me in the future! XD
Today is the last day. Yet I couldn't end with a good note. I feel regretful, I feel upset, but at least I had the memories.
Maybe today was just a beginning for the future. No one knows.
I only know that I can't see you anymore. =(
Oh well!
---
Eternity really doesn't exist.
I wonder when I first realized that.
But I'm prouder than anyone else that
the days we spent together weren't lies.
I've lived up to now. Although the length of time is a little different.
Just having met you, just having loved you,
even if we can't share our thoughts, La La La La... I won't forget you.
Why, even though it hurts so much,
can't I think of anyone but you and I want to be with you?
But I'm used to how I think of even small
things as happy memories.
Even cliches and meaningless words, if they're said between us,
have meaning.
Just having met you, just having loved you,
just having shared our thoughts... from now until forever...
I should think of you as proof that I live without taking my eyes off of truth and reality.
Just having met you, just having loved you,
even if I can never see you again, La La La La... I won't forget.
LOVE ~Destiny~ - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 10:50 PM
