♥ Tuesday, July 15, 2008
"There will never be a day where I will need to remember you, for I have never for a moment have forgotten you."
HANABI - ayumi hamasaki
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And today, the same things happen again...
I remember that I have always told myself that when he treats me like a stranger in school, in front of all his friends, I wouldn't be sad again, for I've understood everything.
But I wonder if I really have...
Because you see, I still feel kind of sad when he ignores me in school. But now I've learned to fake sadness with a smile so I doubt he notices.
I don't want to limit what he wants; I don't want him to feel anything troubled or whatsoever because of me. Therefore, if I show a sad face, he will feel troubled/pissed/something and really, I don't want him to feel like that.
I want him to be happy.
But still, the fact that I don't know how and what he feels at all, just means that I have to guess all the time. Guess from his words, his actions, his mannerisms and his reactions. Sometimes, I guess happy things. Sometimes, I guess sad things.
But I don't know which of my thinkings are right. Unless he tells me, of course.
Sadly, I just don't have the courage to ask him that question. But... is it the lack of courage of asking him because I know such questions are stupid and awkward... or is it the lack of courage of hearing the truth that I don't want to face?
But his actions always...
He always contradicts himself. For example, he treated me like a stranger today during recess as usual, but when I see him in the toilet with his classmates, he actually said hi to me... and I thought we were "supposed" to pretend not to know each other whenever we are with our friends/classmates...
The only times that I really look forward would be main band, because I finally have the guts to talk to him during main band. It's pathetic, but what else can I do?
Whatever decisions you make for whatever situations, I will always be by your side, supporting you.
Even if the whole world laughs at you, I will be with you.
That is something that I wish to achieve.
I don't wish to ask questions like, 'How am I seen in your eyes?' or 'Who am I to you?' anymore... Now, I just wish to ask, 'What can I do for you?', 'Have I done enough for you?', 'Have I understood your wishes?', 'Am I being very selfish?'...
Love, really, isn't about asking what he can do for you. Rather, it's about asking what you can do for him. I don't expect him to know whatever that I do for him behind the scenes, more-so expect him to acknowledge them, even more-so expect him to feel touched or whatever.
Because I finally understood that when I want to do things for him, it's not because I want him to like me (as a friend) more but rather, I just want to see him smile.
But as always, I feel that I'm so useless and incapable of doing anything worthwhile for him...
"I can only stay by your side, though I can do nothing else."
Close to you - ayumi hamasaki
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Your mannerisms are such treasures to me; I really love you.
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"What can I do for you? What are you thinking of now?"
Dolls - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 7:31 PM
