♥ Wednesday, July 30, 2008
"I heartily hope that you will not be
A victim of this sad age
I sing this song today just as I pray
So that my dearest wish may reach you"
ANGEL'S SONG - ayumi hamasaki
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I made them promise me that they would always be nice to you, and to not make you feel sad.
Because I am so useless myself, I can't even protect you with my own hands... I feel really pathetic but, what else can I do?
I vowed not to return to main band anymore but Miss Lee made an announcement for all band members to meet at the band room...
It was like I keep wondering why do such things happen.
I really don't want to go back to main band, I really don't want you to see me anymore, I really don't want to make you feel unhappy...
So I just said no and left the band room.
And I felt such pain and heartbreak as I went home... and strangely, the journey home today seems to be so much longer and boring...
And when I went home, things are just perfect. I saw my brother at home and the usual insults and kao pei-ing starts and really, I wish I was dead then.
Ever since Monday, I have been feeling unwell, have been having bad days... and that usual warmth from you could never come again.
Were those days lies? Was nothing real? Maybe they were, or so I thought.
But Miss Tan said it so perfectly today, when she was talking about rapport and human relationships...
"We shared so many months together, how can you not feel anything?"
And I thought, yes it suits me very well too.
Of course, being the sane and realistic person that I am, I don't mean feelings as in romantic love.
But not even as a friend?
Because I held that belief, I believed that there was no way you could have faked and acted out everything... it's just humanly impossible...
I don't think anyone has to such extents to deal with someone they abhor.
So, once again, your feelings are a mystery, though I already have an answer inside.
I mean, you talked with Xing Hao today, commenting on his hair, and then I saw you talking to him again at the band room.
And you hugged Justin Yap in the band room too.
I know that you will never hug me. Let's be really realistic here.
Am I jealous? Maybe I am. But as always, I know that your actions are grounded. I am really not the coolest, or the nicest, or the pro-est senior... perhaps it doesn't matter, but still you don't have to remember me or the past few months if you don't want to.
I mean you probably don't want to.
So...
Even if I am your most hated person, even if you hate me now and ever since I don't know when, even if you wish I didn't exist, even if you won't treat me like how you treat other people, even if I am really just nothing to you...
I will continue to pray for your happiness, and to always wish that you will be happy.
And the best way I can make my wishes come true is to disappear from your sight.
After all, I can always remember the past. They are really beautiful.
Even if I can say now that you probably don't bother about me anymore, I can say with pride that in the past, perhaps things were a little different.
Just for that, I feel contented.
Also, at least you are still nice and sociable to other people. Even if it's not towards me, at least to others. Isn't that what's most important? That you remain as yourself - a very friendly and nice person, always and always? As long as you have the freedom to be yourself, I don't mind if I can be with you or not.
For you to protect that dream, I couldn't be with you.
---
"Surely, that day
The two of us touched love"
HEAVEN - ayumi hamasaki
Listened to music @ 8:36 PM
