♥ Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"I miss you so much
I don't want to be away from you
I miss you so much
I will always love you"
Daisuki da yo (I really love you) - Ai Otsuka
---
Because I remembered I said, "Daisuki da yo" to him once and he didn't know what it meant...
I remembered that Fredy told me on Sunday night that he asked where I was, because he thought that I followed the whole bunch of them to KFC.
I don't know why, but I felt a sense of happiness when I heard that. Perhaps as how Fredy said it, it's the first time he had actually asked where I was.
Unfortunately...
Because I was so selfish and paranoid, I thought Fredy lied to me so that I could be happy. So I decided to ask Justin Yap this morning if he really said that.
And Justin said yes.
And he said that there's a later part to it.
And I was stunned for a second, before I insisted that Justin tell me what it is.
I remember telling Justin that I was ready for any answer, because I already had one in my mind.
And Justin asked me what answer I had in my mind.
And I answered that he must have said something about things being better because of that (my absence).
And Justin nodded his head.
Suddenly, it felt like time stopped. I thought I had convinced myself of an answer, the answer that was the truth, and had told myself to smile and not to be affected by it.
But it was so wrong. My thoughts were so wrong.
I can't bring myself to accept that answer. I really wanted something else. I really do.
And I lost all my appetite. And I pushed my plate of food that's like half-eaten away and lied on the canteen table.
I just thought of certain things of the past, and then tears started falling. Like I felt I was bawling for the first time in many months.
I didn't understand. I couldn't accept. So I just cried... and cried.
It was not because of the fact that I couldn't see him anymore that made me sad. It was the fact that after all these months, he still abhorred me as much... that really made me feel depressed.
I really don't want to cry. And it was ever so embarrassing to cry at the canteen before morning assembly (thank goodness it's not during recess!)...
I felt so lost at that point of time. I only know that nothing is going to stop so somehow I have to attend morning assembly.
And with a tissue paper in my hand, wiping away my tears, I ran up the stairs. And the wind was blowing against my face gently, telling me that this is not an illusion. I just want to continue running, not wanting to stop and to face the wondering faces of other people.
Then later on, during English, Miss Tan had this interesting lesson on Faith with us and we were just discussing about it.
And I had so many thoughts after that I felt not as sad as before. It's really extraordinary.
Then at recess, I saw him, for the first time of this day that I realized the saddening truth. And I told myself that I must not appear sad in front of him, because I don't want to emotionally blackmail him again, because I just want him to continue on with his life, after all, it's finally that I won't ever be involved in his life again. Of course though, it's not like even if he knows that I'm sad that will make any difference...
So I smiled; a smile with no happiness, and laugh for no particular reason.
During the whole day, many things about him were running through my mind. I thought about the past seven months and everything that we did, and then that question popped again.
Seven months? And in the end, he still hates me so much. Why?
I must have done something wrong, I suppose.
Though I said that I have full trust in him, and that I would only believe in what he tells me, this time... it feels different.
I still can't see why Justin Yap would want to lie to me. He has no motive or purpose for doing that. So it has to be truth. Unless, of course, someone could tell me it's not the truth.
But for now, everything is gone.
Even though I don't and could never understand why he would bother being nice to me in the first place if he really hates me... at least I know how he feels now.
At least I know that he hates me. I went round and round, trying hard to find an answer, and I have finally found it. So that was what he was feeling all these months. Though it feels painfully sad now, at least I have the memories of the past that made me so happy...
I doubt he remembers anything, or even bothered to. I doubt there's anything about me that he would remember. I doubt he would feel sad in any way when he knows that I won't ever step into main band anymore. He may not feel in such a way, but I know that I do.
So, like a child using all of his strength..., good-bye.
Sometimes, to feel better, all we have to do is to think things in a different perception. So I will try to do that now.
My absence, my disappearance, my removal from his life must be something good for him. At least he doesn't have to face someone like me anymore. Since he really hates me, then what a pain it must have been to pretend to be nice to me. He doesn't have to do that anymore.
And I won't be his burden anymore.
Maybe that should be something to celebrate.
I know I can search for memories of the same kind of happiness when I was with him. Because of that, I shouldn't be so upset.
If there's anything that he has given me, then it would be all these beautiful memories.
I'll think of him; I'll still love him, I know. But I really have to move on too.
Though the sadness might not be as intense as this morning, the mark that was left behind never fades, as if destined to stay on my heart forever...
Tomorrow will be the first day where I will try very hard not to step into main band! Wish me luck, though I know I will succeed. I am determined to stay away from him.
Please don't rain anymore tomorrow, please don't try to encourage me to cry too...
---
"If we couldn't meet each other
I couldn't laugh this way like when I'm with you
This year, the happiest thing is
Being able to stay by your side"
Cherish - Ai Otsuka
Listened to music @ 7:56 PM
