♥ Sunday, July 06, 2008
Sigh.
My family is giving me troubles again.
The story is really long, so thank you if you manage to read through everything.
I have a father, a mother, an older brother and a younger sister.
I hate my brother and my sister.
My sister hates everyone.
My brother hates everyone.
My father complains to my mother whenever anyone quarrels/fights.
My mother complains to me and pushes all the blame to me whenever such things happen.
I just got blamed again, for something that I don't believe I'm in the wrong at all.
I'm sure everyone knows about the story of the computer plug being confiscated. And you know I bought another plug so that I can use it. And now, the original computer plug has been returned.
The thing is, my mother regards it as my fault. My fault that my sister becomes a monster when she starts using the computer. My fault that she uses knives/umbrellas/chairs to hit me when I ask her to stop using it. My fault that she is addicted. My fault that I "ruined" all the peace that lasted for a few weeks. My fault, for everything.
Why is it my fault? My sister has no self-discipline to control herself. My sister has no self-discipline to stop herself from being violent and addicted. My sister still goes out to LAN shops and her friends' houses to use the computer during those "peaceful" weeks...
So why is it my fault?
Besides, when she goes crazy, the one she inflicts all the her violence to is ME not anyone else. Because I am a fucking loser who gets bullied and taken advantage of by almost every single human being on this earth. Because I am a fucking "nice" person whom everyone just wants to pick on.
So why is it my fault?
Then my mother was bitching it to my brother, and somehow she ended up saying that he is lucky to be able to have a whole computer (and a laptop, she forgot to mention that) to himself.
Then he went crazy.
He called my father an "old man" and he said he hates my father the most. He said that if he can't get what he wants, no one else can. He said that money is the most important to him. He said that he will burn the whole house and kill everyone and curse all of us till his last breath if he can't get what he wants.
Why does he say that?
Why does he act like he's some fucking victim when he has another computer AND a laptop to himself? Why does he speak like some fucking victim when he also uses this computer for downloads (and thus use up the C: Drive and cause lags)? Why does he make himself sound so victimized?
When I am the victim?
Then my mother came up to me and started complaining/whining/bitching about the computer and she blamed me for buying the plug and causing mayhem.
And she said,
"It's because of you."
Because of me?
Fuck it.
I don't think so.
I mean, logically, is it my fault? Even if it is, am I responsible for every single damn thing?
Why does this always happen?
Whenever my family starts to have quarrels, my mother would always push the blame to me. I find it so hard to accept.
I don't care if people suan me. I don't care if people insult me. I don't care if people laugh at me. Because I am used to all that, for I am but a mere loser.
But one thing that I can never get used to, no matter how often I am exposed to it, is being accused.
I hate to be accused for something that I have never done. I really abhor it.
... It's always like that.
Everything is just screwed up.
Which reminds me that I told my parents I needed to get a blazer for the competitions this morning. They started bitching and complaining to me.
I felt like blaming whoever who suggest blazers for the attire at that moment. But I know it's pointless. And it's most probably going to be my fault again, like always.
Anyway, my father said it's not worth to spend over $100 for something I'm just once (actually it's thrice but it doesn't make a difference), and I said I may use it for next year too.
Then my mother asked, "You're going to continue going to band next year?"
Then I explained about alumni and whatever and my mother just said that she's not going to allow me to go for any band next year onwards.
Just as well, since I've already made many decisions in my useless mind.
Then my brother heard the word 'alumni' and started to insult me, saying that I don't deserve to play in alumni.
It was like how he insulted me when he knew that I was the SL (because we were quarreling and then he brought in the issue of me sucking up to my band seniors without getting anything in return)... oh by the way, when he knew I was the SL, he said that I'm the only person who has an ASL, therefore I suck.
Because I know it was the truth, I can only be sad.
I really suck, don't I.
Sometimes, I envy people whose parents support them greatly for band, bringing them for masterclasses and what have you. And then their parents' support gives them the best self-confidence and self-esteem.
I still remember I had to secretly take masterclasses and lied to my parents that I had extra lessons...
Are they to blame for my lack of confidence? I mean after all, I don't feel safe when I'm alone in band... I always need someone to depend on, because I know I suck.
I do so much things, only to be a suck at the end of the day. Sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it for that time spent on band. Maybe it's not a lot of time compared to other people but still... ah whatever.
I'm just not a music person.
When my family doesn't even give me support, I don't know what to do. I get suaned and insulted by them so often that I always see myself as what they say I am.
Is this right?
I feel so pathetic at a time like now...
---
If I could see him now, surely, I would be so much more happier.
"Breathing calmly, I looked at you who had fallen asleep, so exhausted. The sweet, unprotected profile that no one in the world but me knows."
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki
Well, I'm sure you parents have seen your sleeping face before. And you don't breathe calmly when you sleep, you snore! Haha you look so cute when you sleep and I love the sound of your snores.
You are my precious treasure.
Listened to music @ 11:07 PM
