♥ Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Because it was too sudden, I couldn't accept it.
I wish someone would say, 'It's a lie', and laugh with a mischievous look.
~
In the past, whenever people write on their blogs or tell me that life sucks, I would always be one of the people who would disagree with them. Though there were times when I was in a state of depression and felt very lost, I didn't really have that 'Life sucks' mindset... because I always thought that life was beautiful, and that you could always learn something new from it every day.
Perhaps I was just naive.
It's only because my perception of life is as such that whenever I face things I dislike, such as quarreling with my family or feeling useless in the Alumni band that I decide to press on and just live on. Because I always thought that besides the friends who would always be there for me (thank you very much guys), there would still be someone special who would also be by my side.
I honestly thought that way.
He gives me the hot and cold treatment, and it leaves me frustrated and confused. How wonderful it is for me to know yesterday that while the cold is true, the hot was merely... merely actions done by pressure from other people.
When I heard of that news yesterday, I tried to laugh, I tried to brush it aside, I tried to do other things.
But they only worked while the sun was in the sky.
Then, on my bed... I just started thinking about things.
Memories... memories... they keep reappearing in my mind, and then I just saw whatever things that he has done, be it good or bad.
The good things happen only because of the pressure given by other people? That seems so... dramatic and fake that I don't want to believe it. I mean of course I don't want to believe it.
But...
A part of me says, 'I trust him', but that's just saying. I can't go on saying, 'I trust him', without knowing anything.
Without knowing anything from him.
I still believed that I would only accept it if it came from his mouth. Until that day, I won't believe anything else that other people said.
Sometimes, that belief seems so invalid...
Why would Fredy lie to me? Why should Fredy lie to me? It's only because I understand the answers that I feel afraid... apprehensive... and upset.
Because I doubt Fredy would lie to me anyway. So what Fredy said HAS TO BE the truth.
Doesn't that contradict what I said earlier on, by trusting him.
I still trust him. But I'm afraid that that trust roots from the denial that the good things aren't really good things.
Our various encounters... and everything that happened... I thought he was in a bad mood, or I did something wrong, or he was just doing it for fun when all the bad things happened.
When the good things happened, I thought that he really meant it, and at the very least I know he doesn't hate me.
I thought.
Now, it appears that the good things happened because other people told him to be nicer to me. Does that mean that the good things are all false?
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretend that they were the truth... it's just... just so excessively empty...
Suddenly, I feel like no one wants me anymore. Not saying that he wanted me before but just for those moments when I really felt pampered by him... they always made my day and made me feel euphoric. Sometimes he can treat me really nicely... too bad they were all lies...
I might have known too early; the terrible rebound after happiness.
So maybe my uneasiness was right after all. That week of euphoria and joy... who would have guessed that the terrible rebound after happiness was actually knowing that all the fun times were lies?
All of a sudden, cutting myself seems nice... all of a sudden, destroying myself seems nice...
Or maybe I should just go die. Even the one person whom I thought... all lies...
I can't even tell if I'm angry or upset. I guess I'm more heartbroken. Heartbroken to know that the happy moments were lies.
If you forget that you have fallen in love with someone, surely you would be able to fall in love with someone else.
Should I do that?
I don't think I should. I don't even know what to do now.
That desire for him to tell me everything comes back again...
I thought my June holidays would be perfect because of that beautiful first week... How naive...
~
If I were to say that I believe in you, what would you do to make myself feel right about that decision?
The days we couldn't understand each other and parted, the days of tears, the days of smiling faces...
Whatever may happen and whatever mood you may be in, I'll always accept you.
So, even if some random person would to come up to me with a cheeky smile and say, 'It's a lie! Fredy was lying!'... I doubt I would be happier... because the random person isn't him.
Listened to music @ 9:53 AM
