♥ Thursday, June 19, 2008
They always say, 'try harder', and that's what I always tell myself too. If today is a bad day, then there's always tomorrow; if something goes wrong now, somehow things will work out in the end.
Do you know how childish and stupid those thinkings are? I was really childish and stupid.
And I think I have woken up.
I feel like I am a crow and everyone else in the alumni band are phoenixes and the whole band is basically a phoenix nest/habitat.
Maybe there were times when this crow could fly as gracefully and high as these phoenixes but... at the end of the day a crow is still a crow. A crow will never magically transform into a phoenix. A crow will never belong in a phoenix nest. A crow just won't be able to do it.
I feel that I never really felt a sense of belonging in the alumni band. It was always like I'm so extra person that just popped up from nowhere... no value. I know there are and there will be people inside who will despise me anyway, and I know who they all are.
It's like I don't understand why I'm putting myself under such sufferings.
Garrett told me last week that he thought I would join alumni because it was fun.
And I realized something.
Probably most of the people in the alumni are in it because it's fun; people like Garrett.
Myself?
Do I feel any fun in alumni?
Every time when I know that, 'oh there's alumni practice today'... the first thought that runs through my mind isn't, 'I'm so excited!', neither is it, 'I can't wait for it!'...
Rather, it is thoughts like
"Am I going to be alone now?"
"Am I going to get scolded again?"
"Am I going to feel like a burden again?"
"Am I going to feel upset again?"
I can't find any fun in a place that I really want to be in. I guess I am right. A crow will never be a phoenix. A crow will never fit into a phoenix nest, no matter how hard the crow wishes and tries.
They say, 'if you believe, then surely it will work out', I thought so too, trying time after time, wishing naively that somehow, it will work out.
I never knew how stupid that thinking is.
I used to think that Mark brings me the greatest pain and whenever he treats me like a stranger, I would think that that is the worst pain. But I was wrong. I think feeling so useless and unbelonging and undeserving in alumni after every single practice is really The worst pain.
It's time to give up?
In the past, it was, "Should I fight? Or raise the white flag? I'm not going to run away like a victim."
Now... it is, "If this world was split into winners and losers, I want to be a loser, I always am a loser."
I have lost everything. Suddenly there's no will to continue and grit my teeth like how I used to. I feel so lost and weak now... in a place that definitely won't have a place for me.
I mean, what is the purpose of making myself feel so upset? Won't just giving up... and quitting be so simple and direct?
Ah, that is what I am going to do.
I have decided to quit alumni after all the competitions. Well, actually I should quit now, just to relieve the pain from myself, and the troubles from other people. But I won't. And it's not because of what big responsibilities or whatever... I'm not such a nice and noble person... neither will my departure have any impact on anyone or anything whatsoever... it's just that I know they will kick me out of the competitions anyway. So might as well stay until they decide to kick me out.
"Yes, I go. Whatever unreasonable place may be waiting for me... I must accept myself; that I'll just have to remain as myself."
I'm just not a music person. It's really pointless to make yourself stay in something that you just will never be able to accomplish. It's like flying without any wings... loving without any giving...
Just a few more weeks and all the competitions will be over. Then I can quit and not come back to alumni for the rest of my life. Although I know this Saturday's practice, or the next Wednesday, or the next Saturday... whatever it is, that I may be alone again, that I will get scolded again, that I will feel useless again... at least I know it's only for a few more weeks.
A few more weeks... and the pain will be relieved.
The alumni band with just Chong Jun Xiang alone in the trumpet section and the alumni band with no one in the trumpet section makes no difference. Maybe the latter would make the band sound better after all. What's there to be afraid of when I know there are better musicians who are still in the alumni? Nothing.
I guess I sort of learned that music is a cruel rat race and you must be good to stay in the game. For someone as useless and musically retarded as me, it's pointless to want to stay... when I will just get hurt at the end of the day.
"Even when I get tired of flying, I don't even have the courage to rest my wing. If I could have a wish come true, take me away from here, please. I'm still here and have been searching as before for a place to fit in."
Listened to music @ 10:23 AM
