♥ Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Sigh.
Sometimes, life can be very bad.
I don't feel like talking about my results, since I'm satisfied yet disappointed at the same time. Happy that I really improved a lot ever since last year, yet unhappy because my L1R5 for Prelims is... 36.
Oh well. I know the solution to that one.
But there are some aspects of life that I really can't find any solution to. And it just makes things worse... a lot more worse.
I guess if you do read this blog, you would know that I was the only one who got my mum something on Mother's Day (a stalk of carnation... for memory's sake)... But I don't understand why she treats me like this.
A classic example happened yesterday: I bought teens, which is a magazine, on Saturday. I read it and I left it on the table. My brother (it pains me to type this...) wants to read it, so he will read it, he does that for every magazine I buy. Anyway, a few nights later, before my brother has read it, my sister took teens to her room to read it. And then, it was gone.
So yesterday night, my brother wanted to read teens then he was yelling like a spoilt brat, demanding for the magazine. He "understood" that it was my sister who was the last person... so he like started shouting at her. My sister, being of the same personality as my brother, shouted back and shut the door.
Then, my brother got even more pissed and started banging on the door very hardly (the sound was really... terrifying), because he wanted to bathe as well and he needed to get his powder (no... I don't use and I abhor powder).
So, he was shouting and yelling and banging like a crazy person. He forced me to get the keys to the doors and I opened the locked door. At that point of time, I was so afraid that he would thrash my sister, not because I care for her, but because it's just very chaotic and noisy and upsetting.
Anyway he didn't and he took his powder and went to bathe while my sister lied on her bed crying and listening to songs and most probably slashed her wrists (well she honestly does that).
My mum went to ask me what's up later on and told her the whole story.
Guess what?
She blamed me for buying the magazine.
She said that if I hadn't bought it, none of this would have happened.
1) Well, I bought the magazine so my brother's irrational behavior, acting as though the magazine belonged to him was wrong and just wrong.
2) Why blame me? I mean I understand that every bad thing that goes on in this house is my fault but... Oh well.
3) The aftermath was that my sister came out of the room pointing an umbrella to my head and saying that she doesn't like my face.
Ironically, my brother has mentioned tons of times in the past that he doesn't like my face either.
The first sad thing that struck my heart was that my mum accused me like that when I really was the only one who bothered to remember Mother's Day and got her something.
The second sad thing that struck my heart was that my brother is always behaving like that.
The third sad thing that struck my heart was that my sister took me as a punching bag.
From these above points, I can infer the following:
1) I am never appreciated.
2) People enjoy venting their frustrations on me; they treat me nicely when they feel like it, they treat me like shit when they feel like it.
3) Whatever that I do, I would never get a good return.
4) As much as I don't really expect anything, I end up having to give out even more.
And all the four points are TRUE, simply because even my family does that too.
Supposing that 'family' are the people whom you are closest to, the fact that they treated me like that reflects on how the whole world treats me, which is well, TRUE.
I know I am not a very nice person; I am selfish, bitchy and impatient. But still, I don't believe that I am extremely evil and treat people like rubbish. I don't believe that I deserve most of the things and emotions that I am feeling now.
Then, why?
Maybe my perception of myself was wrong all the while; I really deserve everything, perhaps.
After all, when I give, I don't expect anything. The saddest thing is that I need to end up giving even more... I don't mind a nil return but having to give even more is just... saddening.
Whatever I do, in this life of mine, I don't have a happy ending.
I can't remember on any occasion when I had a true happy ending.
Even if I do, I only realized the terrible rebound after happiness... too late.
"Well, I know more than anyone else that a happy ending is not for me."
HAPPY ENDING - ayumi hamasaki
I'm sorry. I promised to myself and everyone that this blog will be happy but I just can't... I can't hide this particular unhappiness. With something else weighing on my heart... it's too much for me. I don't want to commit suicide or slash my wrist so I really have to blog about this.
Am I allowed? To ruin other people's feelings when they read this? I guess... no one really reads my blog and... I am too unimportant to anyone for them to be affected.
That's right. I am only garbage.
When I remember how my family treats me, I'm somehow grateful and understand that they are indirectly and unconsciously preparing me for the vicious world outside but still...
Whenever I feel so upset... lost... confused... I can't turn to any of them for help.
Sometimes, I wish that I can be pampered.
I wish that someone will love me unconditionally...
Maybe that is why I am so eager to search for love, and fall in love, only to be hurt even more at the end of the day.
Worse still, I jinx the person I love and harm him as well.
I am rubbish. I am garbage. I am a jinx.
But still... if someone were to pamper me... however impossible and far away that day seems like...
...
Maybe that's why I treasure that particular day a lot, because I felt pampered.
Never mind, the previous sentence is invalid.
I guess, I can only pretend all the way.
Pretense is tiring at times... it is fun at times.
It is fun to see how easily deceived humans are. How can they believe an "I'm okay" so easily?
It is fun to know that everyone is under your lie, no matter how much you know that lie, to yourself, is so easily seen through.
It is tiring because... having to smile all the time is just tiring.
It is most excruciating when you have to smile at a time when you feel crying.
Pretense...
I am a Liar.
Please remember that.
I am a Liar. I tell lies, even on this blog. I shan't say more, just know that the more I appear to be happy, the more unhappy I really am.
There is something that I don't tell people anymore because of various reasons, and I feel the pain of talking to myself sometimes.
But still, who can fully be not sick of that topic, except for myself?
That is one of the reasons to why I stopped talking.
I am a loner most of the time. During recess, I wander around the canteen... searching for someone I know to talk to, just so that I wouldn't feel so left out. Whenever I hang out with Nicholas Tan and Hui Xiong, I know I do talk, but most of the time I'm just staring at other parts of the canteen...
I am really a loner.
I don't think I have a lot of friends, but I guess it's okay.
For someone of a standard like mine... it's acceptable and understandable.
I won't get invited to anything, I already know one event.
So I guess, we have to leave at it is.
I apologize again for breaking my promise that this blog will be happy.
I can't type any "haha"s or any "I'm so happy! =D"... because I don't wish to fabricate more lies on this post.
So long.
Listened to music @ 9:28 PM
