♥ Friday, May 02, 2008
I can't control this GAME as I wish.
Today was E-Maths and Chemistry. E-Maths... no comments. But Chemistry was the one that triggered off all my thoughts.
At about 12 05, with 17 more minutes to the end of the paper, I was starting on my last question when I turned out to the corridor to relax myself.
And I saw him.
He was walking with his friend, in his usual stance. He was smiling as always, he was laughing too. So I guess he was talking something interesting with his friend. But I think he didn't see me, I hope he does not anyway.
I don't want him to see me until the Band Break ends.
At that time, I realized a lot of things, just from his true smile.
For the next 10 minutes, I just thought about him and the past few months and for the first time... I put myself in his shoes.
I told myself. Oh wait before I continue, I'm going to use his name. I have nothing to hide anymore.
I told myself,
"I am Mark Lee Wei Zhong now. Some senior of mine whom I'm not really close with in the first place is obsessively in love with me and I know that he would do everything just to make me happy.
- Back to myself -
Assuming that everything that they say is true, then it's just Human Nature.
For if I am Mark, I would at least just try to take small advantages and play a little with that stupid idiot who would give his everything to me.
Yes, it's logical isn't it.
Now... I thought of all my peers, and I realized - there are so many of us! At least 20... and if I were Mark, I can't possibly like all of them; I can't possibly be close on the same level with all of them, because not everyone can match my personality.
Then I thought of the top 3 sec4s whom I think Mark is the closest to, and the bottom 3 sec4s too.
- Close -
1. Hui Xiong
Well, same section, so naturally they should be very close. And Mark always teases and plays with Hui Xiong too, that is closeness; that is intimacy, to me.
2. Justin Yap
Well, it must be because they both are such funny people and the ultimate Jokers! Yes, great minds think alike, I guess.
3. Xing Hao
The most superficial reason is that Xing Hao is the DM. As a band member, you either love or hate the Majors. Personally, I think the whole band hearts Xing Hao cos he's such a good DM. Anyway, I think Mark really respects and admires Xing Hao or something. I guess so. And Xing Hao is a fun person too! Yeah.
And then...
1. Wang Liang
Well because you don't see Wang Liang going around to communicate with everyone.
2. Cleon Tan
I just don't think this is incorrect...
3. Yours sincerely.
Because I must be the only sec4 whom he blocks from MSN, because I must be the only sec4 whom he really abhors, because I must be the only sec4 who irritates him, because I must be the only sec4 who has caused such a big controversy and scandal with him.
I guess, things were set as like this since a long time ago.
And what's my point of trying to change things?
I mean his personality matches with certain people... that's how it is. He hates me, that's how it is.
... If he remains close with those sec4s, then so be it, I'm happy for all of them.
... If he remains to be as such with me, then so be it, I'm sick and tired of trying to brings things closer...
But still, I love him.
I care for him.
So, perhaps I can try not being so extra and sticking around with him, but I could always still do things for him, without him knowing.
I don't want him to know.
I'm not Helena Rodriguez.
I'm not a matyr. I'm not.
But if fate decides to let him know, then so be it. He probably wouldn't care anyway.
I just feel sad of the thought of him forgetting everything... like all the little things. Oh well, I should take things in my own stride, right?
He may have forgotten, but I have not.
I won't, for a long long long time.
...
My heart is dead already, or at least I want it dead.
The reason why I don't want to see him or don't want him to see me for this whole month is because I don't want things to be complicated...
This must be the best option for us.
I can't control this GAME as I wish.
Listened to music @ 9:40 PM
