♥ Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I wonder if everything was fated.
I wonder if Band Camp 2007 was just a game that fate wanted to play with me. I wonder if the many events this year was just games that fate wanted to play with me.
I wonder... I wonder.
It has been about six months. December 2007 - May 2008... and still going on. Wow, I didn't even realize that it had been six months.
Was I too absorbed into the things itself that I forgot about everything else.
He is a treasure to me. Everything about him, everything that happened are all treasures to me. But I wonder... I can do everything for those treasures, but do I lose the true meaning because of that?
I honestly do not know.
A lot of events with him are running through my mind now.
Everything... from band camp up till this day.
Is there a point if I remember them? I don't think he bothers to remember them. As much as I wish that somehow he would think of me on a random day, I doubt he would. He's too sociable, he has too many friends. So many that I doubt I'm anyone of an impact to his life.
That's reality? How sad.
"Do you believe in fate --
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life
Before that?"
Does he remember our funny encounters in Band Camp?
I remember how I wanted to go to the toilet on the first night, and I barged into a toilet which Raymond Gan 'warned' me not to go in. And I saw him, topless, after bathing. It was so embarrassing! In hindsight... I didn't plan for that, I didn't stalk him. At the most unexpected, I saw him...
Does he remember that third morning? I swear it was accidental but anyway I only know recently that Justin Yap told him about it on that day itself... so I always thought he doesn't know. It's kind of embarrassing and I'm so lost... Should I explain things to him? Oh well.
"We notice it the moment our eyes meet someone's
We come to feel it surely in contacting with him or her
But then once
We feel weak in the knees"
The lyrics here don't make much sense. The last two sentences I mean. Well, I'll try to make them simpler to understand...
I don't know why I am in love with him. People keep asking me why, I've a 'theory' in my mind, but it sounds so fake that I can't believe I love him for that.
So the real answers is, I don't know either.
They keep saying that he isn't someone worthy. Miss Lee keeps telling me how bad he is, but I know I'm perverted. I'm a sicko. I just love the way he is.
I sort of saw him on Band Camp. And then my heart had a sudden feeling. A sudden desire to call his name. And so I did, I kept calling his name. Suddenly his name was so holy that I have to keep saying it.
Through this six months, I don't know how many times I've seen him, I don't know how many times I've touched his hands, but I know that every time I do, I'm more certain. I'm more certain that he's not just some infatuation that will be over in a few days.
In fact, it never was Lust. Do you know what lust is? It is when you desire to have sex with someone, it is when your affection and feelings towards someone is based on how that person looks like. Lust is superficial, Lust is a facade.
It is not Lust. It definitely isn't.
But still, whenever I touched his hands...
My knees go weak.
"The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"
Whenever I wondered if the times when he treated me nicely were just dreams/hallucinations... I'm constantly reminded that it is reality when he treats me like a stranger the next day...
"I've been thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I've been thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is
You see? No one else but you"
Was everything fake? Was everything a dream? Was I just deluding myself? But he has really...
He has really looked at me in the eyes and asked if I was crying when I looked sad.
He has really patted my shoulder to comfort me when I was really crying.
He has really unwrapped a lollipop for me.
He has really touched/stroked my hair.
He has really insulted me.
He has really told me to fuck off.
He has really said that he doesn't like me.
He has really treated me with harsh coldness.
Everything is just... fated.
"Where does this road lead to
And how does it continue?
Even if I imagine them
It's of course that I have no clue"
Okay bad English on the last line. I just can't imagine with him.
He's straight.
"I'm not fucking gay." quoted from him. So obviously, it is impossible.
If it's so, then why didn't this feeling stop after a day? Why does it last for six months... and counting??? Why even make me fall in love with him in the first place?
Why?
"I feel the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"
I must appear strong in front of him. I have broken down too many times in front of him that I'm scared that he'll only show concern when I am crying. If it's so, then I rather he not care at all.
But the more I wish to be strong... yes the weaker my heart becomes. In my efforts to be strong, I become weak.
So weak that the moment I am alone, my heart sinks.
Whenever he treats me coldly, my heart sinks but still, I have to smile. To shut people's mouths up. I'm sorry if I sound selfish. I appreciate a lot when people ask me to cheer up and ask me why I'm sad but I want to be alone. That is the SIGNAL that I'm giving off when I look sad. Okay? Please understand.
"I shouted your name in tears
I wished I wouldn't wake up, if it were a dream
Ah, the person before my eyes were
You see? No one else but you"
There was once when I saw him leave the hall with two of his other friends towards the end of hall assembly. At that time, I was so worried. I was scared that he wanted to pon assembly and hang out with his friends... I was afraid that teachers would find out...
I ran out of the hall after assembly and shouted his name as I ran along the corridor (dramatic I know but it's really true...), not in tears, but still I was filled with worry.
And then I saw him at where I least expected it. I saw him in the corner of the corridor, at where the toilet is. There he was, talking with his two friends.
I was in shock, yet relieved that he's fine.
But... he told me to fuck off. He pointed the middle finger at me and repeatedly told me to fuck off. My heart was broken at that time, my heart sank to the abyss of despair.
What wrong did I do? I was just concerned over him...
But I only realized much later that what I did on that day led to the spread of wildfire rumors... I've brought shame upon him because of my actions and words.
I'm so weak and useless...
I didn't see him except for one fated encounter during my Chem paper since Sports Day. I believe that he has not seen me since Sports Day either.
I did all that I can to make sure that we wouldn't meet. I felt glad on all the days where our papers end at different times, I took 155 instead of 28 on most days to avoid seeing him if there's a chance.
I don't want him to see me. I don't want to see me. I don't want that awkward feeling... I'm trying to run away as always...
But there's a side effect to all that. In the midst of trying to avoid him in reality, I met him in my dreams. I dreamed about him very often, and they were all nightmares. Nightmares of the two of us, with our backs facing each other, walking away in opposite directions...
I'm so afraid.
And I convinced myself by saying, "Dreams are the opposite of Reality."
I hope it is true.
"If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I love you"
I had said so many times how much I am in love with him, but it is always me who distrusts my own words the most.
I feel so guilty at times... I feel like I've dragged into some deep drama that he doesn't want to be in, I felt that this 'love' that I have is working against him, I feel so insecure... I really wish that he would tell me that everything is okay. I really hope so.
"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"
You don't know how I feel. I don't know how you feel.
You no longer treat me with that tenderness like on the concert day. You no longer say 'yo' when you see me. We don't even see each other anymore.
Christopher's leg is healing fast and I'm going to move back to my original classroom next Tuesday.
Is that fated as well?
I somehow wish that I could stay at the 3I classroom for a while longer...
He blocked me on MSN again.
He hates me again.
He ignores me again.
I couldn't reach his voice. This dream couldn't come true.
I am so confused, so lost...
To him: Fret not, none of the sec4s dislike you. You have never done anything to me, everything is my fault. Just... be yourself.
His dazzling smile.
His gentle voice.
His warm hands.
His droopy eyes...
All quoted lyrics are from 'fated' by ayumi hamasaki.
Fate... a momentary encounter that changes everything...
Listened to music @ 9:42 PM
