♥ Friday, May 23, 2008
My heart and head are in pain and I don't know what to do.
Today was just one of the worst days of The Aftermath of the Concert.
Yes, I decided to name the days after 15th April, 2008 The Aftermath of the Concert.
Today was just too boring... yet too dramatic... and too upsetting.
From 8-9 I was just slacking in class doing nothing.
Then at 9am we started to move chairs into the hall of the O' Levels on Monday.
I take Higher Chinese so I don't have to do anything. But before that, there was a misunderstanding and everyone brought their chairs to the hall. But anyway Xing Lao Shi told us that we can go back to class first, so we did.
More sec4s were coming down from the staircase so we couldn't take that.
We had NO CHOICE but to walk through the sec3 corridor.
And I received the first slash of my heart there.
Somehow, he just popped out of the back door of his class.
He spoke to Don, and he ignored me.
Unlike Jonathan, I do know that Don and him got to know each other through soccer.
Even so, my heart sank. Even so, I felt depressed. Even so, I really felt crying at that point of time.
Despite all the promises that I made to myself...
I went back to class and I just couldn't stay in there because everyone was playing chess and being happy... I am not in the least happy and I felt that I could literally break under that layer of joy that my classmates gave.
I went to the staircase landing and started talking to myself.
Talking to yourself is actually a very good therapy to clam your self down... and also to analyze certain situations.
And, there was a point when I said that the reason why I'm feeling so upset is because I am selfish and I wanted him to acknowledge me.
And I also know that I'm very upset also because I don't know the complete truth... and to just to make things look complete, I must make up a truth.
And I don't want to delude myself anymore. So I made up this truth:
Everything that he did that was nice for the past few months was his unintentional mistake. He probably just didn't know at those times and just... yah.
But now, he understands that he made those mistakes... thus he hates me. He hates me for making me make those mistakes; that's why he treats me like a stranger.
And you know what? I was actually telling myself that that is NOT the truth that I wanted, and I really hope that it's NOT the truth. But with so many signals... so many signs... so many nuances... it really must be the truth.
I mean after all, who am I?
I am a complete burden to him. I keep embarrassing him and keeping giving him agony.
I know I'm not coolest or the best sec4 senior in band.
I'm not funny like Justin Yap. I'm not respectable like Xing Hao. I'm not uber smart like Nicholas Tan. I'm not nice like Hui Xiong.
Just because of that, because of who I am... I think it's actually very reasonable for him to abhor me.
I know I'm not a nice person... and everything that's negative is usually about me. But... my mind was too tired to think up of a rebuttal at that time. It's too tired now too.
So, I just stared into the sky from the window.
And well my head was sticking out of the window.
Then it just so happened that his class is exactly one level below my class. And I don't know how did Mr Chye actually know that I was there.
I mean one moment I was reflecting; blaming myself, and looking at the blue sky.
The next moment, Mr Chye was next to me, asking me if I was all right.
You know, Mr Chye was very nice and kind to me. He even asked me if I wanted to join his class (Which is well, his class.)... I thought that maybe I would be happier if I did some distracting thing; which in this case would to be joining Mr Chye's class.
But. I said no. I even told him that they (the people from his class) wouldn't want me there anyway. Especially him.
It's just so coincidental that Cong Han appeared at that time and I just... thanked Mr Chye and ran after Cong Han to ask him if we could go home already.
While I was speaking to Mr Chye, his whole class was at the bottom of the staircase. Gosh I embarrassed myself. Most importantly, I embarrassed him. Again. See what I mean? I'm really so useless, stupid and a burden. I can't do anything positive for him at all. I can't even AVOID him for just one freaking day.
Why and how is it that I keep seeing him?
I realized today that the reason why I'm without tears these days isn't because of what I thought.
I used to think that it was because I am numb already.
But no.
The truth is that, I've run out of tears.
Like me to him, my tear glands have exhuasted their use to me.
They can't produce any more tears already.
When I felt that painful slash when he ignored me (again), I felt it.
I felt my heart, my soul crying. I felt them bleeding. I felt like dying.
To him, everything was a mistake.
There's nothing about me that he likes. I can't hold a candle to the rest of my peers.
Listened to music @ 12:02 PM
