<body>
binaryface @bs.com


♥ Friday, May 23, 2008

My heart and head are in pain and I don't know what to do.

Today was just one of the worst days of The Aftermath of the Concert.

Yes, I decided to name the days after 15th April, 2008 The Aftermath of the Concert.

Today was just too boring... yet too dramatic... and too upsetting.

From 8-9 I was just slacking in class doing nothing.

Then at 9am we started to move chairs into the hall of the O' Levels on Monday.

I take Higher Chinese so I don't have to do anything. But before that, there was a misunderstanding and everyone brought their chairs to the hall. But anyway Xing Lao Shi told us that we can go back to class first, so we did.

More sec4s were coming down from the staircase so we couldn't take that.

We had NO CHOICE but to walk through the sec3 corridor.

And I received the first slash of my heart there.

Somehow, he just popped out of the back door of his class.

He spoke to Don, and he ignored me.

Unlike Jonathan, I do know that Don and him got to know each other through soccer.

Even so, my heart sank. Even so, I felt depressed. Even so, I really felt crying at that point of time.

Despite all the promises that I made to myself...

I went back to class and I just couldn't stay in there because everyone was playing chess and being happy... I am not in the least happy and I felt that I could literally break under that layer of joy that my classmates gave.

I went to the staircase landing and started talking to myself.

Talking to yourself is actually a very good therapy to clam your self down... and also to analyze certain situations.

And, there was a point when I said that the reason why I'm feeling so upset is because I am selfish and I wanted him to acknowledge me.

And I also know that I'm very upset also because I don't know the complete truth... and to just to make things look complete, I must make up a truth.

And I don't want to delude myself anymore. So I made up this truth:

Everything that he did that was nice for the past few months was his unintentional mistake. He probably just didn't know at those times and just... yah.

But now, he understands that he made those mistakes... thus he hates me. He hates me for making me make those mistakes; that's why he treats me like a stranger.

And you know what? I was actually telling myself that that is NOT the truth that I wanted, and I really hope that it's NOT the truth. But with so many signals... so many signs... so many nuances... it really must be the truth.

I mean after all, who am I?

I am a complete burden to him. I keep embarrassing him and keeping giving him agony.

I know I'm not coolest or the best sec4 senior in band.

I'm not funny like Justin Yap. I'm not respectable like Xing Hao. I'm not uber smart like Nicholas Tan. I'm not nice like Hui Xiong.

Just because of that, because of who I am... I think it's actually very reasonable for him to abhor me.

I know I'm not a nice person... and everything that's negative is usually about me. But... my mind was too tired to think up of a rebuttal at that time. It's too tired now too.

So, I just stared into the sky from the window.

And well my head was sticking out of the window.

Then it just so happened that his class is exactly one level below my class. And I don't know how did Mr Chye actually know that I was there.

I mean one moment I was reflecting; blaming myself, and looking at the blue sky.

The next moment, Mr Chye was next to me, asking me if I was all right.

You know, Mr Chye was very nice and kind to me. He even asked me if I wanted to join his class (Which is well, his class.)... I thought that maybe I would be happier if I did some distracting thing; which in this case would to be joining Mr Chye's class.

But. I said no. I even told him that they (the people from his class) wouldn't want me there anyway. Especially him.

It's just so coincidental that Cong Han appeared at that time and I just... thanked Mr Chye and ran after Cong Han to ask him if we could go home already.

While I was speaking to Mr Chye, his whole class was at the bottom of the staircase. Gosh I embarrassed myself. Most importantly, I embarrassed him. Again. See what I mean? I'm really so useless, stupid and a burden. I can't do anything positive for him at all. I can't even AVOID him for just one freaking day.

Why and how is it that I keep seeing him?

I realized today that the reason why I'm without tears these days isn't because of what I thought.

I used to think that it was because I am numb already.

But no.

The truth is that, I've run out of tears.

Like me to him, my tear glands have exhuasted their use to me.

They can't produce any more tears already.

When I felt that painful slash when he ignored me (again), I felt it.

I felt my heart, my soul crying. I felt them bleeding. I felt like dying.

To him, everything was a mistake.

There's nothing about me that he likes. I can't hold a candle to the rest of my peers.
Listened to music @ 12:02 PM

♥ Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I did not post for the past few days because these days really so BORING. But I think that I can make a post today.

Anyway, as everyone knows, the sec4s are going to take their Express Chinese O' Levels this Monday! Good luck for them! I'm a sec4 too but I take Higher Chinese so I'm exempted from this. Well, I took Express Chinese O' Levels last year and it really isn't that easy. So... study hard, and good luck!

Although I don't have any O Levels coming up... I still have to endure 4 periods of Chinese every day with Xing Lao Shi... oh my God.

It's like really boring... because we go through various school's Prelim 1 paper and all that. But still, I pulled through and tomorrow's Chinese is going to be fun in the com lab! Hahaha.

Anyway, after Chinese was like Recess ( I hate Recess, go figure)... and yesterday was three periods of English and today was three periods of Maths...

Post-exam activities for Sec 4s can be summed up in one lovely word. Boring.

Anyway, school is going to end soon and I have 2 freaking weeks of intensive revision for the June holidays. Argh.

And guess what? We are forced to cut our hair, barely DAYS before the holidays start. Like what the hell, I kept my hair so long for two months and I planned to keep it even longer for one more month before I cut it on the last day of the June holidays. My plans are foiled! I can't believe that I went to cut my hair today... I foiled my plans zzz. But well, I rather spend $10 to get a nicely done haircut than to spend $5 to get my hair by an amateur barber who DK probably frequents anyway. DK has bad fashion taste and his hair sucks so obviously his choice of barber can't be anywhere good. So... yeah. To protect my hair, I have to do that.

Then, I bought my PDS! In case you're wondering, PDS stands for Personal Device for Success, coined Mr. Kwok. A PDS is actually a watch! Yeah success = watch to Mr. Kwok because we must be a "clock-time organization", which is extremely ironic because Mr. Kwok enjoys wasting time and eating into the first period of school regularly.

Which reminds me that Angels in Disguise is actually AIDS which is disgusting.

Okay this is really getting boring; my life is boring. I'm thinking of watching movies all alone... and I don't want that! I know I'm a loner but still... if anyone reading this blog *hint hint* wishes to go on a date with me then please tell me when you're free so I can watch a movie with you.

PS: I'll try my best to politely decline anyone who asks me out whom I happen not to be interested in going out with that person but just ask me! PLEASE!
Listened to music @ 9:25 PM

♥ Sunday, May 18, 2008

Well, nothing much to update, but I'll post a song that I think is so touching and so true. The lyrics hit me so much more than all the Ayu songs that I've been posting up... Oh my God, is this fated? Why must I know of this song when I'm feeling in such a way? Oh well...

I Will Be With You (Where The Lost Ones Go)
Sarah Brightman featuring Chris Thompson

Leave and let me go
You're not meant for me, I know
Carry on, carry on
And I'll stay strong

Leave and let me go
I will think of you, I know
But carry on, carry on
And I'll stay strong

Someone else will keep you warm from now on
Someone else will keep you safe from the storm
But I'll be with you wherever you go
So you will never be alone
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

(I will be with you)
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
(I will be with you)
You were my fool for love
Sent to me from high above
You were the one
(I will be with you)
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

Leave and let me go
Don't look back, just let me know
Carry on, carry on
You must stay strong

Nothing ever looks the same in the light
Nothing ever seems to turn out quite right
When you realized that you have been loved
Then you will never be alone
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

(I will be with you)
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
(I will be with you)
You were my fool for love
Sent to me from high above
You were the one
(I will be with you)
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go

Leave and let me go
Baby I can't come along
Carry on, carry on
You must stay strong

Just so true. My feelings right now are clearly reflected in this song. Sigh.
Listened to music @ 11:33 PM

♥ Thursday, May 15, 2008

Let's start with the most basic and boring things. I finally have all my results of Prelim 1! Here goes...

English: 59.3 C5
Higher Chinese: 55 C5
Science (Physics, Chemistry): 55.5 C5 (Phy: 40.5/85, Chem: 54/85)
Combined Humans (Social Studies, Literature): 56 C5 (SS: 12/25, Lit: 32/50)
E-Maths: 30.5 F9
Geography: 41/50 D7

All I can say is, I am disappointed in myself on Geog.

Next... comes the Real purpose of today's post.

"We will shine more brightly this summer
Just making the most out of the present

I'm remembering this time last year
And this time long ago
What I want has not changed at all
Yes, still believe in love!

Strangely, I remember clearly
The nights when I was weeping alone
But I have no regrets
Yes, cos believe in love!

Wo wo wo, have I matured?
No no no, too bad I didn't
Wo wo wo, but I don't stop the acceleration yet

We will shine more brightly this summer
We certainly feel the heartbeats of our excitement
Wherever we may go in the future
Please just make the most out of the present

What exactly is the change?
That I can't cry in sad times?
That I can't cry in sad times?
So, I'll be with you!

Wo wo wo, what is precious
Yeah yeah yeah, is your smile
Wo wo wo, I feel that surely I can fly for the sake of it

Our new journey will start this summer
I faintly sense uneasiness in the distance
Let's go to find the way again today
To that place we're dreaming of

You see? I think I know for certain
The reason of your smile and the meaning of your words

We will shine more brightly this summer
We certainly feel the heartbeats of our excitement
Wherever we may go in the future
Please just make the most out of the present"

glitter - ayumi hamasaki

I need to tell the truth. If you look at my list of links, I linked "Myself!" twice. The top one is a link back to this blog, while the bottom blog is a link to another blog...

If you're too lazy to check the links, here it is.

www.endlessmoroseness.blogspot.com

It is a secret blog where I only blog about Mark and nothing else, due to various reasons as stated in the blog. There are 8 posts in total and I hope that you will read all of them, and not just the latest one, if you're interested.

Anyway, you must be wondering why I'm letting everyone know when it's meant to be a secret blog.

For one, I know for certain that at least FIVE people know about that blog, excluding myself. I said that once that happens, I'll delete the blog.

I changed my mind. Because the 8th post of that blog WILL BE the LAST post of that blog. Maybe I'll delete it tomorrow, next week, next month, next year... or maybe never. I don't know.

I know this post is going to be very short... because whatever that I want to say is already on the other blog.

I just want to say that I have been lying about being over Mark for the past week, because I simply couldn't. Things have changed; read the blog; go figure.

I lied to a lot of people, and I think I succeeded on most people.

But I can't do this anymore, so... that's why this post is here.

You must be wondering why I am posting two very happy songs... when actually I'm supposed to be quite sad.

The thing is, I'm both happy and sad.

When I created the secret blog, I wanted this blog to always be filled with happy contents that are true... so that we will all be happy.

Because my decision today has both happy and sad feelings, I will post the happy ones here.

Yes, happy for hope... happy for the future.

Surely.

=)

"How long
Have we spent time together?

How far
Have we advanced together?

The sparkling crystals
We have left behind
Are now shining proudly here
Though they might not be perfect

Honestly
I can't say
That it was all fun and joyful
But always, I wasn't alone

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might

Even now, I can say definitely
That I don't have a regret

We have always fought it out
With all that we've got

Honestly
I had some hard nights
And the days I felt unbearable
But always, I wasn't alone

I see your smile
So dear and dazzling
I'm living every day
To see that smile

I feel your love
Strong and warm
I'm feeling the selfless love
With all my senses

I want to show you a dream
I hope you will have
A never-ending and lasting dream
This is my wish

I want to protect you
Whatever may happen
I'll go on protecting you
With all my might"

MY ALL - ayumi hamasaki

Yes.

I want you to have this dream. I want to protect you. I want to see your smile.

But still.

Things are just not like that, aren't they?

Surely I can love you without wanting you... without being with you.

It must be so.

マルキわ僕の全て

The above line will always be true, until that Day...

So long.
Listened to music @ 10:42 PM

♥ Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sigh.

Sometimes, life can be very bad.

I don't feel like talking about my results, since I'm satisfied yet disappointed at the same time. Happy that I really improved a lot ever since last year, yet unhappy because my L1R5 for Prelims is... 36.

Oh well. I know the solution to that one.

But there are some aspects of life that I really can't find any solution to. And it just makes things worse... a lot more worse.

I guess if you do read this blog, you would know that I was the only one who got my mum something on Mother's Day (a stalk of carnation... for memory's sake)... But I don't understand why she treats me like this.

A classic example happened yesterday: I bought teens, which is a magazine, on Saturday. I read it and I left it on the table. My brother (it pains me to type this...) wants to read it, so he will read it, he does that for every magazine I buy. Anyway, a few nights later, before my brother has read it, my sister took teens to her room to read it. And then, it was gone.

So yesterday night, my brother wanted to read teens then he was yelling like a spoilt brat, demanding for the magazine. He "understood" that it was my sister who was the last person... so he like started shouting at her. My sister, being of the same personality as my brother, shouted back and shut the door.

Then, my brother got even more pissed and started banging on the door very hardly (the sound was really... terrifying), because he wanted to bathe as well and he needed to get his powder (no... I don't use and I abhor powder).

So, he was shouting and yelling and banging like a crazy person. He forced me to get the keys to the doors and I opened the locked door. At that point of time, I was so afraid that he would thrash my sister, not because I care for her, but because it's just very chaotic and noisy and upsetting.

Anyway he didn't and he took his powder and went to bathe while my sister lied on her bed crying and listening to songs and most probably slashed her wrists (well she honestly does that).

My mum went to ask me what's up later on and told her the whole story.

Guess what?

She blamed me for buying the magazine.

She said that if I hadn't bought it, none of this would have happened.

1) Well, I bought the magazine so my brother's irrational behavior, acting as though the magazine belonged to him was wrong and just wrong.
2) Why blame me? I mean I understand that every bad thing that goes on in this house is my fault but... Oh well.
3) The aftermath was that my sister came out of the room pointing an umbrella to my head and saying that she doesn't like my face.

Ironically, my brother has mentioned tons of times in the past that he doesn't like my face either.

The first sad thing that struck my heart was that my mum accused me like that when I really was the only one who bothered to remember Mother's Day and got her something.

The second sad thing that struck my heart was that my brother is always behaving like that.

The third sad thing that struck my heart was that my sister took me as a punching bag.

From these above points, I can infer the following:

1) I am never appreciated.
2) People enjoy venting their frustrations on me; they treat me nicely when they feel like it, they treat me like shit when they feel like it.
3) Whatever that I do, I would never get a good return.
4) As much as I don't really expect anything, I end up having to give out even more.

And all the four points are TRUE, simply because even my family does that too.

Supposing that 'family' are the people whom you are closest to, the fact that they treated me like that reflects on how the whole world treats me, which is well, TRUE.

I know I am not a very nice person; I am selfish, bitchy and impatient. But still, I don't believe that I am extremely evil and treat people like rubbish. I don't believe that I deserve most of the things and emotions that I am feeling now.

Then, why?

Maybe my perception of myself was wrong all the while; I really deserve everything, perhaps.

After all, when I give, I don't expect anything. The saddest thing is that I need to end up giving even more... I don't mind a nil return but having to give even more is just... saddening.

Whatever I do, in this life of mine, I don't have a happy ending.

I can't remember on any occasion when I had a true happy ending.

Even if I do, I only realized the terrible rebound after happiness... too late.

"Well, I know more than anyone else that a happy ending is not for me."
HAPPY ENDING - ayumi hamasaki

I'm sorry. I promised to myself and everyone that this blog will be happy but I just can't... I can't hide this particular unhappiness. With something else weighing on my heart... it's too much for me. I don't want to commit suicide or slash my wrist so I really have to blog about this.

Am I allowed? To ruin other people's feelings when they read this? I guess... no one really reads my blog and... I am too unimportant to anyone for them to be affected.

That's right. I am only garbage.

When I remember how my family treats me, I'm somehow grateful and understand that they are indirectly and unconsciously preparing me for the vicious world outside but still...

Whenever I feel so upset... lost... confused... I can't turn to any of them for help.

Sometimes, I wish that I can be pampered.

I wish that someone will love me unconditionally...

Maybe that is why I am so eager to search for love, and fall in love, only to be hurt even more at the end of the day.

Worse still, I jinx the person I love and harm him as well.

I am rubbish. I am garbage. I am a jinx.

But still... if someone were to pamper me... however impossible and far away that day seems like...

...

Maybe that's why I treasure that particular day a lot, because I felt pampered.

Never mind, the previous sentence is invalid.

I guess, I can only pretend all the way.

Pretense is tiring at times... it is fun at times.

It is fun to see how easily deceived humans are. How can they believe an "I'm okay" so easily?

It is fun to know that everyone is under your lie, no matter how much you know that lie, to yourself, is so easily seen through.

It is tiring because... having to smile all the time is just tiring.

It is most excruciating when you have to smile at a time when you feel crying.

Pretense...

I am a Liar.

Please remember that.

I am a Liar. I tell lies, even on this blog. I shan't say more, just know that the more I appear to be happy, the more unhappy I really am.

There is something that I don't tell people anymore because of various reasons, and I feel the pain of talking to myself sometimes.

But still, who can fully be not sick of that topic, except for myself?

That is one of the reasons to why I stopped talking.

I am a loner most of the time. During recess, I wander around the canteen... searching for someone I know to talk to, just so that I wouldn't feel so left out. Whenever I hang out with Nicholas Tan and Hui Xiong, I know I do talk, but most of the time I'm just staring at other parts of the canteen...

I am really a loner.

I don't think I have a lot of friends, but I guess it's okay.

For someone of a standard like mine... it's acceptable and understandable.

I won't get invited to anything, I already know one event.

So I guess, we have to leave at it is.

I apologize again for breaking my promise that this blog will be happy.

I can't type any "haha"s or any "I'm so happy! =D"... because I don't wish to fabricate more lies on this post.

So long.
Listened to music @ 9:28 PM

♥ Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Yes, today, I got back results from various subjects.

I found a big irony among everything, and happiness among everything... and negative feelings too.

Well, first paper I got back was Science (Chemistry) and when Miss Jazilah said that only 10 people passed, the first thought in my mind was, "Definitely not me."

Turns out...

I topped the class.

Well, yes, it was a very very very big surprise to me. At first, I was really just expecting that I would either get F9 or something... then Miss Jazilah put the papers like on my table so I took a small peep... lol.

The first paper was mine (because she left Wen Jie's on the table)... and I saw like a 1 and a 3 on one of the boxes... I thought it was 13 and I thought maybe that particular section was 25 points or something so maybe NOT TOO BAD LAH!

But anyway, I read the top of the paper and... lol it said that the section that the "13" was in was out of 45 so... yeah, my heart sank.

BUT.

I took another look and omg... I realized that it was not 13, but 31!

I got like 31/45 for Section A of Paper 2 of Science (Chemistry)!!!

It is like omg can. I never expected that... but still, two more other sections to go!!! And I made myself believe that I still will fail.

But um...

Paper 1 (MCQ): 12/20
Section B of Paper 2: 11/20

So... total is out of 85 points... and I scored...

54.

Yes. 54/85.

Miss Jazliah told me that was like top of the class... made me really really really elated at that point of time! Oh my God.

So, yes, Chemistry was a very happy thing. I got like 63.5/100 in the end.

Now, tomorrow's Physics and it'll determine the grade for my Science. =) Cross your fingers for me!

Okay, then now I want to talk about the ultimate three subjects.

Yes, the ONLY three subject that I really spent my time and effort studying on.

E-Maths, Social Studies, Geography.

I failed all of them.

E-Maths : F9
Social Studies : 12/25 (so I'm awaiting for Elective Literature results...)
Geography : 21.5/50 (I studied this for 7 hours...)

I failed the subjects that I studied. Like wow.

Anyway, I got back English back too!

Paper 1 Section 1 : 20/30 (graded by Mrs Jeya)
Paper 1 Section 2 : 19/30 (graded by Mrs Champion)
Paper 2 Section 1 (Comprehension) : 11/25 (graded by Ms Tan)
Paper 2 Section 2 (Summary) : 10/25 (graded by Mr Quayle)
Paper 3 (Oral) : 33/40 (graded by Mrs Chong)

... Changing the grades here and there... out of a 100, I scored... 59.3 Like omg right. 0.7 more points and I could have gotten a B4. Argh.

And oh. I hate Comprehension Section. A LOT.

So that ends Day 1 of getting papers back.

What's left is Physics, Higher Chinese and Literature.

I hope I would do well.

I am disappointed in myself for SS and Geog... and angry at everything for COMPREHENSION OMG I HATE COMPREHENSION!!!

... Okay. Let's spam stuff now...






I told you Man U won in the English Premier League.

Oh, funny thing during Geography. I was lamenting about my lousy points and Mr. Low was giving out lollipops to students who passed... he say my points and he was like 'take one for effort lah."

I said no cos well I shouldn't be eating lollipops and...

Whatever lollipops I eat can never match the joy and taste of the last one I ate... what? Haha I'm so happy now!

I'm so happy! = D

It's a Beautiful Day.

And I have found a new habit! I like to look at the sky... and the school... and the surroundings of the corridor whenever I can... it's something that's very beautiful.

Alas, I would be moving back to 4I tomorrow and I guess I can never gaze at the scenery like how I always did at the 4th level corridor. Oh well...

=X
Listened to music @ 9:35 PM

♥ Monday, May 12, 2008

Today was so fun!

Actually was supposed to watch Iron Man with Sean Teh, Hendrik and Clement but um 2 out of the 3 couldn't go so it was canceled.

So I ended up going to all the forums I visit...

And found some interesting stuff.

Firstly, Pokemon Platinum is going to be released in late September this year in Japan! OH MY GOD!

Pokemon Platinum shall have the following changes/features:

1) Giratina on the Cover.

2) The plot will revolve more around Giratina this time.

3) Dialga and Palkia are both obtainable in Platinum.
Giratina "Origin Form", Regigigigas "Sky Form" and Shaymin "Other Form" will also be available in Pokemon Platinum, with the Shaymin 'Other Form' being possibly either a full or part Ice-type.

4) Lucas and Dawn both have new clothes. Scans have shown that Lucas' clothing will be changed to blue, and his fucking gay beret will still be present and still in its disgusting red color.

5) A 'Battle Island' will be featured, said to be similar to the 'Battle Frontier' in Pokemon Emerald.

6) Volkner, the eighth Gym Leader in Sunnyshore City, will be replaced by a new character.

7) The Underground will be Wi-Fi enabled as well.

Well, what can I say? I'm so hyped up!!! Shaymin was like an event only Pokemon lor... now can get its 'Other Form' in Pokemon Platinum... OH MY GOD!!!

Ah shit, I wanted to change something and argh fuck I hate it when things go wrong...

Anyway, this post was supposed to be mature about gays being banned from donating blood... forget it I'll just post all over again (angry!)

Anyway, do you know that gays are banned from blood donation?

Goggle "gays donating blood" and you'll see a lot of articles on it.

Well, I think it's ridiculous. It's absurd. It's disgusting. It's biased.

The official reason is that "homosexuals have a higher chance of contracting AIDS"

Fucking. Bull. Shit.

I'm appalled.

So wow hetreosexuals don't get AIDS? Or rather, their rate of getting it is lower than homosexuals?

While it WAS true in the 1970s, it's obviously FALSE right now. In this era, hetreosexuals have just the SAME probability of contracting AIDS as homosexuals.

Face it, they're biased.

I'm grossed out...

I used to think that homosexuals are being a little irritating if they flaunt how pathetic they are by being discriminated and all that... but this one's different.

I say, we have every right to voice out this injustice.

I just don't see how a homosexual's blood, at this point of time, can be considered 'dirtier' than a hetreosexual's.

Oh well.

Anyway, Man U won the English Premier League! This is General Knowledge so it's natural that I know. =)

MAN e-U-phoric!

Haha.

I'm so happy!
Listened to music @ 9:37 PM

♥ Sunday, May 11, 2008

Oh my God.

I was buying dinner at a hawker center near my house and OMG!

I saw the saxophone sec2 junior... can't remember his name. He's not Ray Er or Hua Xuan, the other guy... just can't remember his name now. He was with his family I think lol.

And the most OMG thing is that at the same time, I saw...

Mrs. Tan-Chin Yih Min!

Omg lah! I didn't expect to see her and she was dressed so nicely...

She appeared very casual but there's some tai-tai aura coming from her. Hmm...

Oh well whatever... nothing much to say actually.

Yes, this blog is meant to be happy. =)

Someday

Lyrics: Koda Kumi Translation: Kotaro Egami

I want to be with you again, laugh together with you
So I’ll be waiting
for that day to come
because you’re my treasure

There has to be meaning
for these repetative days, right?
I’ll be with you again
and we’ll stay together forever more
no matter what happens
Nobody can decide for me
I’ll face my own future and walk on

It was your inconsiderate words
that caused us to
part our ways, but now
I think we’ve both become stronger

*You called my nose cute when it was completely red
meeting you, it makes me feel so happy
I have of you, many letters and photo albums
and those things, are my precious treasures

Time that’s passed didn’t seem that long
but there’s no way to measure to depth between us
The memories that simply passed
I can’t remember them this way
But time has changed nothing for you

If we could meet again
Someday, somewhere
I’d talk to you with a smile
and love you properly, and then Someday
I’d like to see a brand new me

Though you didn’t notice that I changed my hairstyle
meeting you, it makes me feel so happy
With envy, but without anger
you give me a big hug
That kindness
was all you

The songs you listened to
Your smell, your habits
The sky you used to look up to
and the road that you once walked

I want to be with you again, laugh together with you
So I’ll be waiting
for that day to come

*Repeat

What a BEAUTIFUL song! The song is full of strings and Koda Kumi ROCKS...! The lyrics are so... lovely!!! OMG!!!

I'm so happy! =D
Listened to music @ 10:19 PM

♥ Saturday, May 10, 2008

I'm so happy!

Today I went for Alumni and saw so many people... makes me happy!

HAHA I'm feeling so exuberant and euphoric!

HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

YAY YAY YAY SMILY YAY YAY YAY!!! ^^

Oh and I bought a stalk of Carnation for my mum for Mother's day... and she looked glad/touched so I'm happy too.

I'm so happy!

"We ran through the road to the sea
Screaming with laughter innocently
In the far away summer days"
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki

I love Past Tense and Ayu's nuances. Go figure.

everybody GO! everybody JUMP! I'm so happy.!.

= D
Listened to music @ 9:52 PM

♥ Friday, May 09, 2008

Omg I'm so exhausted yet exuberant!

I'm soooo happy that Prelims are finally over! It's over now... makes me happy! Now there's Prelims 2 in August I guess... and finally O Levels in October and I'll have nothing to do with MSHS anymore... thank God...

Anyways, the Lit paper was so fun! It drained a lot of my energy though. While I was doing the seen section, I used a lot of my memories to write about Helena and Prakash... haha made me feel so tired, and then I couldn't concentrate on the Unseen section! Kept looking around... lol. And then I was like making eyes to Xing Hao and Nicholas Tan... haha!

So, now that Prelim 1 is over, let's give a rating for the papers!

Easy:
Geography
Social Studies
Literature
English

Medium:
Higher Chinese

DIE (D7 - F9 CONFIRMED):
E-Maths
Science (Physics/Chem)

Oh well... oh well!

Time to really buck up.

P.S: My personal ratings on the various paper DO NOT reflect the actual marks that I might get.

So tired and happy! Haha

I'M SO BORED NOW! There are so many movies that I want to watch!

Like um

Indiana Jones
Speed Racer
Over Her Dead Body
What Happens in Vegas
Iron Man

Omg can like a whole group of people just watch all these with me? Let's all be spastic and happy! HAHA!

SMILY!

Okay, end of this spastic yet boring post.

Bye-bye!
Listened to music @ 1:51 PM

♥ Thursday, May 08, 2008

I detest making decisions.

Today is a day where I made an important decision. Up till now, I'm not too sure if this decision is right, but I'm sure time will heal everything.

I thought about everything ever since I read Nick Soo's tag on the tagboard and what Fredy told me yesterday night.

Perhaps everything was wrong.

Wait, wrong is the wrong word. I guess everything was too confusing and 'inappropriate'.

How do we say this... I think whatever that happened was just well, a Was thing. It was all in the past.

How could I continue living by using the past as the present?

Because the present is too cruel that I couldn't accept it? I guess so. I must stop deluding myself already.

I have decided to Stop.

Stop my obsession over him. Stop my foolish thinkings. Stop my constant gibberish over him.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

But I can't stop overnight. I need time, a lot of it.

So until that Day... forgive me for my moments of depression over him, forgive the secret tears that I shed from time to time.

But above all, I will definitely stop, with effect from tomorrow, mentioning him in the form of spam and the Bottle and the moments of the past.

Yes, that is my top priority.

Decisions are hard to make, that's why I hate them so much.

But still, reality is as such. Cruel and bitter. But it is still reality.

I know people always thinking that I'm blinded and I don't know a lot of things, and that I think he likes ( as a friend) too.

But, actually, I know.

I know how much he detests me. I know much he wishes that I could get away from him.

And hey, guess what? I'll fulfill his wish.

I'll get away from him.

The 'plan' I had was working, I avoided seeing him and I did it.

It will continue.

I will only see him when circumstances force it, like when I need to go to the toilet.

As long as I can help it, I will avoid seeing him.

Though my heart will still ache and all that... I'm sure it'll be over soon.

Like how I'm making this Over now.

I can do it. I can do it!

Anyway, before I end this, I want to thank people (again)!

These people were always by my side, and I'm truly grateful for their constant support and their advices for me.

Seniors:
Chien Teng
Sean Kwek
Fredy
Zhen Cheng
Garrett

Peers:
Xing Hao
Justin Yap (yeah **** doesn't give me marks. =D)
Chang Jun
Sean Teh
Nicholas Tan
Hui Xiong
Shawn Teo
Joseph
Albert

Juniors:
Hendrik
Nicky
Nicholas Soo
Dwayne
James Onggo
Justin Onggo
Clement
Saw

The non-Band people:
Jack
Karen

My apologies if I miss anyone out.

You're in the list as long as I've spoken to you on him before and you've told me something that I cherish and remember.

Thank you very much!

Okay anyway today was Chinese Paper 2... I felt so extra when all the Express Chinese left and I'm one of the few people left in the hall and people were like looking at me (since I'm so close to the corridor) when they walked past... I hate to be scrutinized!

After that went to Zhan Hao's house with Jack to watch lame videos and videos on people dancing.

Went home and watch TV and here I am.

Tomorrow will be a Beautiful Day. It just has to be.

"Your gentle gaze was fixated on a slim shoulder
She was smiling gently, happily agreeing

Suddenly there was a loud noise
As though something was breaking
But I can only stay rooted to the ground

'Why isn't it me?' This question was too foolish
So I won't ask you
You're standing there like I've never seen you before
Making me feel so distant
How on earth do you describe this feeling?

Because I have already understood
Why your eyes show sadness from time to time

I have also understood that the one
Who can do anything for you is not me or anyone else
But that one special person

Just since when have I been so attracted by you?
I pretended to only realize now
And covered myself with easily seen-through lies
But it only gave me more emptiness
Is this feeling known as 'love'?

'Why isn't it me?' This question was too foolish
So I won't ask you
You're standing there like I've never seen you before
Making me feel so distant...

Just since when have I been so attracted by you?
I pretended to only realize now
And covered myself with easily seen-through lies
But it only gave me more emptiness
This feeling is know as 'love', isn't it?"

is this LOVE? - ayumi hamasaki

Just how I'm feeling now...

"Are You Wake Up?"

Yes I am. It is time... to face the truth.
Listened to music @ 9:23 PM

♥ Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I wonder if everything was fated.

I wonder if Band Camp 2007 was just a game that fate wanted to play with me. I wonder if the many events this year was just games that fate wanted to play with me.

I wonder... I wonder.

It has been about six months. December 2007 - May 2008... and still going on. Wow, I didn't even realize that it had been six months.

Was I too absorbed into the things itself that I forgot about everything else.

He is a treasure to me. Everything about him, everything that happened are all treasures to me. But I wonder... I can do everything for those treasures, but do I lose the true meaning because of that?

I honestly do not know.

A lot of events with him are running through my mind now.

Everything... from band camp up till this day.

Is there a point if I remember them? I don't think he bothers to remember them. As much as I wish that somehow he would think of me on a random day, I doubt he would. He's too sociable, he has too many friends. So many that I doubt I'm anyone of an impact to his life.

That's reality? How sad.

"Do you believe in fate --
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life
Before that?"

Does he remember our funny encounters in Band Camp?

I remember how I wanted to go to the toilet on the first night, and I barged into a toilet which Raymond Gan 'warned' me not to go in. And I saw him, topless, after bathing. It was so embarrassing! In hindsight... I didn't plan for that, I didn't stalk him. At the most unexpected, I saw him...

Does he remember that third morning? I swear it was accidental but anyway I only know recently that Justin Yap told him about it on that day itself... so I always thought he doesn't know. It's kind of embarrassing and I'm so lost... Should I explain things to him? Oh well.

"We notice it the moment our eyes meet someone's
We come to feel it surely in contacting with him or her
But then once
We feel weak in the knees"

The lyrics here don't make much sense. The last two sentences I mean. Well, I'll try to make them simpler to understand...

I don't know why I am in love with him. People keep asking me why, I've a 'theory' in my mind, but it sounds so fake that I can't believe I love him for that.

So the real answers is, I don't know either.

They keep saying that he isn't someone worthy. Miss Lee keeps telling me how bad he is, but I know I'm perverted. I'm a sicko. I just love the way he is.

I sort of saw him on Band Camp. And then my heart had a sudden feeling. A sudden desire to call his name. And so I did, I kept calling his name. Suddenly his name was so holy that I have to keep saying it.

Through this six months, I don't know how many times I've seen him, I don't know how many times I've touched his hands, but I know that every time I do, I'm more certain. I'm more certain that he's not just some infatuation that will be over in a few days.

In fact, it never was Lust. Do you know what lust is? It is when you desire to have sex with someone, it is when your affection and feelings towards someone is based on how that person looks like. Lust is superficial, Lust is a facade.

It is not Lust. It definitely isn't.

But still, whenever I touched his hands...

My knees go weak.

"The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly that this is not an illusion at all"

Whenever I wondered if the times when he treated me nicely were just dreams/hallucinations... I'm constantly reminded that it is reality when he treats me like a stranger the next day...

"I've been thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I've been thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is
You see? No one else but you"

Was everything fake? Was everything a dream? Was I just deluding myself? But he has really...

He has really looked at me in the eyes and asked if I was crying when I looked sad.
He has really patted my shoulder to comfort me when I was really crying.
He has really unwrapped a lollipop for me.
He has really touched/stroked my hair.

He has really insulted me.
He has really told me to fuck off.
He has really said that he doesn't like me.
He has really treated me with harsh coldness.

Everything is just... fated.

"Where does this road lead to
And how does it continue?
Even if I imagine them
It's of course that I have no clue"

Okay bad English on the last line. I just can't imagine with him.

He's straight.

"I'm not fucking gay." quoted from him. So obviously, it is impossible.

If it's so, then why didn't this feeling stop after a day? Why does it last for six months... and counting??? Why even make me fall in love with him in the first place?

Why?

"I feel the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes in inverse proportion"

I must appear strong in front of him. I have broken down too many times in front of him that I'm scared that he'll only show concern when I am crying. If it's so, then I rather he not care at all.

But the more I wish to be strong... yes the weaker my heart becomes. In my efforts to be strong, I become weak.

So weak that the moment I am alone, my heart sinks.

Whenever he treats me coldly, my heart sinks but still, I have to smile. To shut people's mouths up. I'm sorry if I sound selfish. I appreciate a lot when people ask me to cheer up and ask me why I'm sad but I want to be alone. That is the SIGNAL that I'm giving off when I look sad. Okay? Please understand.

"I shouted your name in tears
I wished I wouldn't wake up, if it were a dream
Ah, the person before my eyes were
You see? No one else but you"

There was once when I saw him leave the hall with two of his other friends towards the end of hall assembly. At that time, I was so worried. I was scared that he wanted to pon assembly and hang out with his friends... I was afraid that teachers would find out...

I ran out of the hall after assembly and shouted his name as I ran along the corridor (dramatic I know but it's really true...), not in tears, but still I was filled with worry.

And then I saw him at where I least expected it. I saw him in the corner of the corridor, at where the toilet is. There he was, talking with his two friends.

I was in shock, yet relieved that he's fine.

But... he told me to fuck off. He pointed the middle finger at me and repeatedly told me to fuck off. My heart was broken at that time, my heart sank to the abyss of despair.

What wrong did I do? I was just concerned over him...

But I only realized much later that what I did on that day led to the spread of wildfire rumors... I've brought shame upon him because of my actions and words.

I'm so weak and useless...

I didn't see him except for one fated encounter during my Chem paper since Sports Day. I believe that he has not seen me since Sports Day either.

I did all that I can to make sure that we wouldn't meet. I felt glad on all the days where our papers end at different times, I took 155 instead of 28 on most days to avoid seeing him if there's a chance.

I don't want him to see me. I don't want to see me. I don't want that awkward feeling... I'm trying to run away as always...

But there's a side effect to all that. In the midst of trying to avoid him in reality, I met him in my dreams. I dreamed about him very often, and they were all nightmares. Nightmares of the two of us, with our backs facing each other, walking away in opposite directions...

I'm so afraid.

And I convinced myself by saying, "Dreams are the opposite of Reality."

I hope it is true.

"If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I love you"

I had said so many times how much I am in love with him, but it is always me who distrusts my own words the most.

I feel so guilty at times... I feel like I've dragged into some deep drama that he doesn't want to be in, I felt that this 'love' that I have is working against him, I feel so insecure... I really wish that he would tell me that everything is okay. I really hope so.

"I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you"

You don't know how I feel. I don't know how you feel.

You no longer treat me with that tenderness like on the concert day. You no longer say 'yo' when you see me. We don't even see each other anymore.

Christopher's leg is healing fast and I'm going to move back to my original classroom next Tuesday.

Is that fated as well?

I somehow wish that I could stay at the 3I classroom for a while longer...

He blocked me on MSN again.
He hates me again.
He ignores me again.

I couldn't reach his voice. This dream couldn't come true.

I am so confused, so lost...

To him: Fret not, none of the sec4s dislike you. You have never done anything to me, everything is my fault. Just... be yourself.

His dazzling smile.
His gentle voice.
His warm hands.
His droopy eyes...

All quoted lyrics are from 'fated' by ayumi hamasaki.

Fate... a momentary encounter that changes everything...
Listened to music @ 9:42 PM

♥ Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Sometimes, I feel that a day in my life seems like a lifetime. Not its length, but rather it's 'dramatic' effect.

Everyone knows that Life is full of ups and downs... I didn't know that mine would be filled with so much of it that it spreads to my everyday life too.

Today fluctuated from okay to sad/angry.

I went to the library today from about 10 30 to 17 15 to study Geography. I did mind maps and wrote stuff etc. I felt really happy. I actually studied. I put in effort and I felt that I understood the sec4 topics! The best thing was I didn't think about him at all while studying, which made me focus a lot.

I still remembered the chemistry paper where I saw him and then um. stoned for 10 minutes.

So, I was happy. Very happy.

Then when I went back to the house where I'm blogging now and facing the people whom I must face every day (not that home and family were not used as they're inappropriate words.). And everything started being shitty.

I hate all of them. I'm not angry now because the wrath has died down but things are always so unfair here.

I swear I'll keep to my words when I said that I'm going to move out and rent a room once I'm 18.

Mark my words.

Anyway, because of various bad events at the place where I'm blogging now, I began thinking about him again.

I'm lying to myself again.

I always remember how nicely he treats me on those days. Sometimes I feel exhilarated that he treated me nicely before, sometimes I feel depressed because those things were in the past.

I always remember the current situation and... everything is just too ambiguous! Is there something that I should know but don't?

Someone should create a chance for the two of us to have a conference. Forget what I just said.

I don't want to think those days as him doing them to 'play' with me.

I'm not a Doll. I don't believe that he treats/regards me as one either.

So, that's why I'm still confused.

Because I don't know Why.

Why? Why? Why?

...

Every day seems to be getting worse.
Listened to music @ 9:55 PM

♥ Monday, May 05, 2008

I feel so messed up now.

I don't know what to do now.

They say curiosity kills the cat. How true?

I wanted to know more and I found out the truth, and I don't dare to face it.

I feel like running away... I feel like escaping.

Why?

Does he ever spare a thought for my feelings?

Why does he even bother treating me nicely when... he's going to stop them?

He leaves me hanging on a thread...

I've sort of confirmed my suspicions and conclusions that he has blocked me from MSN again...

And I don't know why.

He doesn't tell me anything. He never tells me anything.

He never told me how he felt about this whole thing. I don't even know if he hates me now.

Did I do something wrong? Was it such a crime that he needed to block me again...?

... I feel so hopeless now. I sincerely wish that he will call me or find me on Wednesday. I feel that we need to thrash things out but again, how much of a reality is that?

I'm back on Madonna again. Hard Candy is really good! And there's this song in there that's just surprisingly deep and heart-wrenching.

 “There’s something you should know
Angels that surround my heart
Are telling me to let you go
Over and over you’re pulling me back to the floor
I should just walk away. I keep on coming back for more”
Devil Wouldn't Recognize You - Madonna

How true. How apt.
Listened to music @ 9:14 PM

♥ Sunday, May 04, 2008

It makes me feel nostalgic.

The band camp video, that is.

I actually shed one drop of tear at the end of the video...

A lot of things were going through my mind, as usual.

And always, I just thought of him.

The things that we did together began running through my mind.

I felt sad because i think he has forgotten about them. All of them.

...

Oh well, this post is as good as redundant.
Listened to music @ 12:05 AM

♥ Friday, May 02, 2008

I can't control this GAME as I wish.

Today was E-Maths and Chemistry. E-Maths... no comments. But Chemistry was the one that triggered off all my thoughts.

At about 12 05, with 17 more minutes to the end of the paper, I was starting on my last question when I turned out to the corridor to relax myself.

And I saw him.

He was walking with his friend, in his usual stance. He was smiling as always, he was laughing too. So I guess he was talking something interesting with his friend. But I think he didn't see me, I hope he does not anyway.

I don't want him to see me until the Band Break ends.

At that time, I realized a lot of things, just from his true smile.

For the next 10 minutes, I just thought about him and the past few months and for the first time... I put myself in his shoes.

I told myself. Oh wait before I continue, I'm going to use his name. I have nothing to hide anymore.

I told myself,

"I am Mark Lee Wei Zhong now. Some senior of mine whom I'm not really close with in the first place is obsessively in love with me and I know that he would do everything just to make me happy.

- Back to myself -

Assuming that everything that they say is true, then it's just Human Nature.

For if I am Mark, I would at least just try to take small advantages and play a little with that stupid idiot who would give his everything to me.

Yes, it's logical isn't it.

Now... I thought of all my peers, and I realized - there are so many of us! At least 20... and if I were Mark, I can't possibly like all of them; I can't possibly be close on the same level with all of them, because not everyone can match my personality.

Then I thought of the top 3 sec4s whom I think Mark is the closest to, and the bottom 3 sec4s too.

- Close -

1. Hui Xiong

Well, same section, so naturally they should be very close. And Mark always teases and plays with Hui Xiong too, that is closeness; that is intimacy, to me.

2. Justin Yap

Well, it must be because they both are such funny people and the ultimate Jokers! Yes, great minds think alike, I guess.

3. Xing Hao

The most superficial reason is that Xing Hao is the DM. As a band member, you either love or hate the Majors. Personally, I think the whole band hearts Xing Hao cos he's such a good DM. Anyway, I think Mark really respects and admires Xing Hao or something. I guess so. And Xing Hao is a fun person too! Yeah.

And then...

1. Wang Liang

Well because you don't see Wang Liang going around to communicate with everyone.

2. Cleon Tan

I just don't think this is incorrect...

3. Yours sincerely.

Because I must be the only sec4 whom he blocks from MSN, because I must be the only sec4 whom he really abhors, because I must be the only sec4 who irritates him, because I must be the only sec4 who has caused such a big controversy and scandal with him.

I guess, things were set as like this since a long time ago.

And what's my point of trying to change things?

I mean his personality matches with certain people... that's how it is. He hates me, that's how it is.

... If he remains close with those sec4s, then so be it, I'm happy for all of them.

... If he remains to be as such with me, then so be it, I'm sick and tired of trying to brings things closer...

But still, I love him.

I care for him.

So, perhaps I can try not being so extra and sticking around with him, but I could always still do things for him, without him knowing.

I don't want him to know.

I'm not Helena Rodriguez.

I'm not a matyr. I'm not.

But if fate decides to let him know, then so be it. He probably wouldn't care anyway.

I just feel sad of the thought of him forgetting everything... like all the little things. Oh well, I should take things in my own stride, right?

He may have forgotten, but I have not.

I won't, for a long long long time.

...

My heart is dead already, or at least I want it dead.

The reason why I don't want to see him or don't want him to see me for this whole month is because I don't want things to be complicated...

This must be the best option for us.

I can't control this GAME as I wish.
Listened to music @ 9:40 PM

♥ Thursday, May 01, 2008

Today is a very depressing day.

I spoke to Nicholas Tan on the phone on this morning and I just made another discovery again.

Maybe not so a discovery, but it's something that that person has done to Nicholas that triggered off my thoughts...

I think...

If he were to see me sometime later... he would probably not even say hi to me anymore.

He would say yo.

All right, who am I lying to? He'll just treat me like a stranger. Just like how things were... when we have never met each other before.

I'm thinking that he has blocked me from MSN again. The things is, I don't know why. I've not seen him ever since Sports Day and... I mean I was wondering if anything could have happened, like someone else could have gossiped about me again and made him believe in something...

I really don't know.

And the most painful thing is once again, wondering why things were so well during the concert day.

I just can't get it. It's tormenting me.

I tried to revise Maths and Chem today. I pushed him out of my mind... I distracted myself by scribbling on the foolscap paper all the Maths answers and Chem formulas. I tried. I really did.

Then at 17 30, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I suddenly thought of him unwrapping the lollipop for me and I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

I went out and take a 90min walk around Toa Payoh, pondering over many things while listening to songs.

The conclusion? I just got sadder.

I want to know why he treated me so well on the 15th of April. I want to know why he makes me so happy for a moment, then crashes everything the next. I want to know why he blocked me from MSN again. I want to know what wrong I did to make him hate me so much now.

I want to know. I don't care if the truth hurts. Because it still hurts so much now... don't leave me hanging on a thread.

As Nicholas Tan said.

"It's not very clear whether you and him are friends and strangers."

All right, I paraphrased but the crux of the idea is definitely true.

Everything is just so ambiguous.

Are we friends? Or are we strangers?

Or...

Am I just your Toy?

Tell me, oh please tell me.

... I feel so excessively empty now.

is this LOVE?
Listened to music @ 9:43 PM