♥ Sunday, April 20, 2008
I am sad now.
The morose is settling in... bit by bit with each second. I... tried to delude myself with distractions and also by doing something which I hate doing when I feel upset - listening to happy songs. The worst thing was, whilst listening to these so called happy songs, I felt even more depressed because
1) Memories of him just kept coming back and I felt sadder that those were just transient moments.
2) Some of these happy songs are actually depressing, in terms of deep analysis.
... Does he hate me? This question... I've asked myself this question a lot of times today. And always, I come up with my own answer - "yes".
The truth is, I don't really know either.
I only know that, sometimes I think he really detests me.
I think, today, I've finally found what I wanted.
I want to know how he feels. I want to know what he is doing. I just want to be with him.
...
"You see? I think I know for certain the reason of your smile and the meaning of your words."
glitter - ayumi hamasaki
Yes. You are smiling because of something that has never to do with me, and I truly understand what you mean when you say certain things...
"I murmured, 'the Sun is too bright' and camouflaged the tears welling up."
BLUE BIRD- ayumi hamasaki
I know Ayu wrote that line in sheer happiness but I'm thinking it as... I know you hate emo people, and I don't want you to hate me, although you most probably already do...
"'Where are you, what are you doing around this time?' Right after I thought of such things, even for just a moment, I wanted you to remember me."
STEP you - ayumi hamasaki
"But your smile has taught me that we are now in the closest place to forever."
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki
No... your smile has taught me that you're much better off without me...
"We ran through the road to the sea screaming with laughter innocently in the far away summer days."
fairyland - ayumi hamasaki
Because such a thing has never happened, it was only my disillusion.
"The short summer is starting now, how many memories can I make with you?"
Greatful days - ayumi hamasaki
Yes, 15th April 2008 was that short summer... it was so transient and beautiful... It was.
I just couldn't stop thinking about whatever that we have done on the 15th April. It was just too surreal, too dream-like, too fake... it just didn't feel like reality.
Maybe he did all that just to make our final moments together something sweet and beautiful... but doesn't he know that the fact that he's totally ignoring me and seemingly detesting me is making me feel extremely terrible?
I feel that I have done so much, although I have done nothing.
I feel that my heart is now broken because I gave all of it to him.
My heart ached because my voice didn't reach you...
I can't think of anyone but you...
Because of You...
...
='(
Listened to music @ 9:20 PM
