♥ Thursday, April 24, 2008
"The most beautiful thing about Life is that you always learn something new from each day."
- Chong Jun Xiang
Not the most aboriginal saying but still, I think that is just too applicable.
I think I have learned something extremely important and enlightening today.
He tried to trip me today while I walked past his class. You know, if it was in the past I would look away and fee depressed for the rest of the day. But today was different, I sort of laughed and hit him back.
And I felt happy after that.
Because...
I think...
I have been thinking too much into things, and overreacting, and being over-sensitive. Thinking back on how I get upset over him, I found many of them were actually avoidable... and stemmed from my mind.
Why couldn't I have thought it this way?
"He was just playing."
I think I know why.
Because I wanted him to treat me as well as how I think I have been treating him. Because I was selfish and wanted him to treat me specially... because I am just so disgustingly evil and selfish...
Why couldn't I have thought it this way?
"He could be referring to someone else."
I think I know why.
Because I wanted to believe that there's only Me in his world and that besides Me, there's no one else. Yes, he has no life besides me... I only realized today how wrong and selfish that thinking is...
I never knew I was so selfish (well I'm an Aries/Arian...)...
Maybe I owe this lesson to Ayu again... it's been a long time since I've read her lyrics but I just read the lyrics to her Secret album and then I felt that every song in there was calling out to me in a way... I learned, again. If I had chosen to commit suicide on that day, I would never have learned this precious lesson today. That's why I worded that quote.
Because I've learned this lesson, I felt so much happier today. I felt so much more energetic today...
I think Justin Yap was right.
"**** doesn't give you marks."
I failed my E-Maths Test on Graphical Solutions and Maths in Practical Solution. To me, those 2 were the easiest topics on E-Maths but omg I failed the test!
Because I was thinking about him and getting upset one day before the test.
But um, it's not his fault.
You see? I could have well avoided having those thoughts if I had learned to be less selfish.
Thank you, Justin Yap, for telling me that, that woke me up too.
I'm going to think less about him and focus on the more important things. Which is Studies.
But since I'm already talking about him, let's do this.
This part from now on is going to be full of quotes from Ayu again. Exit now if you hate reading my posts that's like that... though you'll miss an understanding of me. Well, maybe it isn't very important to you, but hey, this is a blog after all. Blog = online diary. In a way, it's for me to read 10 years later and laugh and my stupidity and immaturity. So go on, laugh at me.
the Secret quotes.
"I'll show you my secret you don't yet know."
Not yet - ayumi hamasaki
Well, what's my secret? I'll show you maybe... but Not yet (well there must be a reason to why the song is called Not yet)... I don't think I have one now anyway... Maybe it's because I'm without a Secret to keep, that's why I feel kind of happy right now.
"Hey, that person thinks he knows everything about me just after we smiled and talked a little together. A big mistake."
until that Day... - ayumi hamasaki
Wow, you can't believe how this quote is screaming out to me now. It just is so true.
To put in in a cliched manner, it's something like
"If you stay around more, you'd know something more about me."
Cliched, but undeniably true.
What's your first impression of me? What do you think when you saw me? Well you can't just judge based on your eyes, because our eyes are Liars. Talk to me, listen to my screaming heart, and you'll know, only if you decided to stay... I think you've begun to do that, slowly but surely...
"There is no point in comparing yourself with someone else because everyone has one's own measure."
Startin' - ayumi hamasaki
I compare myself with other people... too often and too much. I compare myself with so many different kinds of people... I compare myself with Lucas, I compare myself with Chang Jun, I compare myself with Justin Yap, I compare myself with Xing Hao, I compare myself with Hui Xiong, I compare myself with Nicholas Tan... yes, you can guess in what aspect already, if you know me well enough, or perhaps I'm just too vague.
But at the end of the day... all the people are just too different. Perhaps it is because of the fact that I am myself that leads to my depressing comparisons...
I am just going to compare with one person next time. Myself. I am going to compare myself with my past self... and come up with my own evaluation. Yes, that IS the right way.
"To live is too keep on choosing with our own hands."
1 LOVE - ayumi hamasaki
Miss Tan has told my class before about making choices. I know they are right messages and what have you, but I've never realized the power of making your own choices.
You see, I was always controlled by him - my mood is controlled by what he does to me, and it happened only because I allowed myself to. I don't have to hate him to achieve a state of not getting affected, it's just something that I want. If I wish hard enough, I would get it.
After all, you are only given a wish when you have the power to make it happen. This is my wish, therefore I have the power to make it happen. =)
I have made a choice today. To not be over-sensitive, to not overreact, to not think too deeply. Nicholas Tan said he's a Humans person and thus he thinks very deep and can come up with many possibilities to a situation.
I am a Humans person too. So what? Does that give me the right to make myself depressed over my own selfish thoughts and desires? ... Yes, it's in this hand.
I made a decision. I will NEVER EVER regret my decisions.
"The season that I was with you was the most dazzling one. Everything we saw was full of brilliance. I'm still here alone and thinking over whether it was good like one who can hardly resign oneself."
It was - ayumi hamasaki
Wow, wow, wow. Kudos to Ayu for writing that. Because that's what I'm doing now, because that's what I've always been doing... I can't have anything more to comment! I think the quote itself speaks the loudest... please read it and analyze and understand... because that's how I feel...
"If you come across great sorrow, I wish you will share it with me. I'll be able to do anything for the smile; my precious treasure, my precious treasure."
JEWEL - ayumi hamasaki
When someone I know has a problem, I always wait for that person to come and tell me of his troubles. I hate asking that person if he has any problem, because what's the point of probing if that person doesn't want to tell you (which was why he didn't tell you in the first place...) at all? Yes, I'll wait for that day when you'll tell me readily that you are sad, because I sense it...
"I wonder if I'm so stupid, just waiting for the time passage, believing that I'll be forgiven some day."
momentum - ayumi hamasaki
Well, how about thinking it as, I don't need to be forgiven, for all my crimes I think I've committed are just an expansion of my selfish thoughts?
Indeed, it is true.
"I terribly made one mistake after another, but I've lived so as not to regret my deeds."
Born To Be... - ayumi hamasaki
The quote speaks for itself.
I didn't regret anything that I did with you, honestly.
"For we know our desires are never satisfied completely."
Beautiful Fighters - ayumi hamasaki
I was never satisfied with anything that he has done. No matter how nice he treats me, I would lament the times when he treated me coldly.
Heh, turns out that "coldly" is merely something that I've defined with my own standards... After realizing more, I discovered that he has never treated me coldly. I discovered that things aren't as bad as it is. I discovered that it was just my thinkings.
Right now, my desires are satisfied. Right now...
"I murmured, 'The sun is too bright,' and camouflaged the tears welling up."
BLUE BIRD - ayumi hamasaki
I wonder how many times has it been that I shed tears as if I was laughing... Well, I guess my tears will be more like tears of joy from now on. Yes, it will be.
Finally, two songs that I feel that are too beautiful to be used as only quotes. I want everyone to read them and feel marveled...
Don't be sad, if you close your eyes
You see? I'm always close to you
The lonely heart always sought for the reasons
The restless mind always sought for the outlets
Carry your thought to me, even if you are far
Shout to me, even if you are near
The more you pretend to be strong, I see your weakness
The more you bare your fangs, I see your pain
Because you shed tears as if you were laughing
And laugh as if you were crying
However much our bodies may wander
Our hearts always come close together in the end
Let me hear about your past
Tell me about your future
You can be yourself, I'll accept you
You don't have to be afraid, because I know you
Who shed tears as if you were laughing
And laugh as if you were crying
The more you pretend to be strong, I see your weakness
The more you bare your fangs, I see your pain
You can be yourself, I'll accept you
You don't have to be afraid, because I know you
We shed tears as if we were laughing
And laugh as if we were crying
kiss o' kill - ayumi hamasaki
Yes, you. As long as you open yourself up to me, I'll be there. I will always be there.
I turned my eyes away from the girls I passed by
Because they looked dazzling to me
They had the free wings like an innocent child
Even if I search for a light place over the darkness
Spreading the only wing left for me
I can't reach the truth alone
How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
Before it's too late
Even when I get tired of flying, I don't even have courage to rest my wing
If I could have a wish come true
Take me away from here, please
* I'm still here and have been searching as before
For a place I can fit in
I heartily wish
This feeling could reach you at least
I want nothing else
How am I looked
In your eyes from your place?
Please laugh away
These days of mine filled with false things
* (repeat)
Secret - ayumi hamasaki
Because no matter how much I can want to be happy, I will always have doubts. That stupid desire to let you know how I feel... and many many more... I'm trying to get rid of them! Just give me more time, okay?
But until that Day... I'll still... I'll still...
Keep everything as a Secret.
Listened to music @ 10:20 PM
