♥ Friday, April 04, 2008
Today is one of the worst days in my life.
Today marks the third time that I felt total despair and depression due to band/band-personal affairs.
Today... is a day of moroseness.
School was actually fine... I think I am doing better in my DANGER subjects like Social Studies and Physics... I'm just scared of E-Maths now...
Wow, is that the first time in agessssss that I blogged about studies? A sad thing it's as short as two lines.
Then, there was band.
Everything started off all right and mundane... until the later part.
My Sec1 was super flat so I went to the band room to search for a tuner that can actually play notes. Before that, I kept going back to the band room to take various items, so I actually doodled on the white board.
So, that time when I was doodling, I saw Lucas drawing something on the white board.
A person, with normal proportions of face and limbs, but with a very very big stomach. Oh wait, big's an understatement, it's humongous. Needless to say, I know he was trying to suan me. So, whatever, I didn't take notice and I walked off.
When I went back to find the tuner, I saw a lot more people gathering around that "picture" of me on the white board.
I saw Lucas, Raymond Gan... and Mark.
My "stomach" was separated into many different segments... with words on each segment. I saw Jupiter, Hades, Fatty Acids, Powerpuff Girls and other stuff... I was angry. and sad. Mark even laughed and said, "Look at your puny dick! *and he points to a drawing of a dick on that human figure*"... and he started doing those disgusting things that people whom I do not regard as high-class do... touching me for the sake of insulting me...
I remember I was super unhappy and I literally stormed out of the room... I saw a stand blocking my way, and I knocked it off... talk about being refined.
I remember I became a fiend and shouted at my Sec1 about his slurs... and just before that Mark came out to ask me if I was crying. What the hell. Why does he care so much when he's always so... indifferent about me?
Anyway, he told Lucas to come out too and I got even more pissed cos they were laughing like mad (what's the big joke?)... I stormed to the toilet and I distinctively heard Mark laughing at me about my reaction...
In the toilet, while I was crying and talking to Fabian... I was thinking...
Why does this always happen?
Why is it that Mark and Lucas enjoy bringing my hopes high up and then smashing them at the very next moment? Why?
I'm really exhausted anymore. I doubt this has anything more to do with loving Mark... it's something about their pathetic states that make me feel upset. I just wish...
To add on to the wondrous unhappiness, the band was pumped 30 at the end for being bad. Another saddening thing about Mark again, shall not elaborate to be tactful.
Too many people cried today... three out of a whole band, on a day which is not even meant to be special... too many... too many...
You are just going to be indifferent... until that Day...
I'm sick and tired.
I'm feeling hopeless.
I'm feeling depressed.
Can I die now? Do I dare to die now?
Do you know who I feel? If you do... would you CARE?
By the way:
I made the blog public again because I'm sick of Zen asking me to invite him... okay just kidding... I just felt that I don't have to do this because I should let everyone know how I feel.
Listened to music @ 10:01 PM
