♥ Saturday, April 05, 2008
Life is... depressing and hopeless.
I don't know why but I feel like ending everything now... Listening to Ayu's new song... "Life"... makes me think about a lot of things... and I feel so depressed now...
Today was a bad day. Is it worse than yesterday? I don't know.
Somehow, Mr. Chiang knows about the incident yesterday... he spoke to Mark, Lucas and Raymond Gan... I don't like minor things getting blown up.
And my fear was realized today. I broke down during lunch. I lost all appetite... I couldn't bring myself to do anything anymore...
Mark asked me 5 times today why I'm so emo. He said he doesn't like emo people.
Why does he ask that? Why does he care? If he really meant it... then why did he block me from MSN and do those stupid things?
...
The end is near. 10 more days. Perhaps even less, supposing that I die a few hours later.
But still, although I feel suicidal, I must thank the people whom were always by my side.
Besides from the usual people I wish to thank (you know who you are)... I don't think I'll thank them lah. They take up a lot of space! Haha.
Rather, I want to thank my peers. I never knew you guys cared so much... I really didn't...
Shawn Teo
Albert
Joseph
Xing Hao
Justin Yap
Chang Jun
Nicholas Tan
Hui Xiong
Fabian
... I really didn't expect such a warmth...
But still, my heart is still broken and irreversible... I'm really sorry for being unable to be strong... I've never been, I've only learned to pretend to be strong for all these years... I want to give up now. I have to... it's really just tiring. I feel so dizzy now... I think it's a sign... I'm going soon...
Mark, if you read this (well the chances are so low but still....)... I want you to know that I was not upset with you. I am upset with myself for being so useless that I can only be your joke... Now that I have decided to go... I think you will surely be happier. You always show concern towards me but end up negating all of them with other things you do to me... I don't know why you're doing all these but ah... I'm too tired to think anymore.
Sometimes, I wish you would know how I feel, but knowing how much you wouldn't care...
It was so sudden
That I couldn’t take it in
And with a teasing look said “No way,”
Thinking “Someone laugh!”
Hey, what am I supposed to think?
Hey, what in the world can I do?
I thought for sure I’d just go on walking, laughing, breathing,
And carrying on with mindless conversations as always.
The city moved around again today,
As if nothing at all had ever happened.
Hey, what are you thinking?
Hey, how does it all look to you?
Yes, I’m sure you are both much stronger and softer than ever
Now that you know the meaning of things like pain and love.
Oh, I’ll remember once more that I shouldn’t take for granted
The things which I think I’ll always have.
You taught me that.
It’s miraculous.
Life - ayumi hamasaki
... Reading these lyrics, I think it's even easier for me to go now... Thank you once again for those people who have stood by me, but I really can't go on anymore... I just can't.
"Oh, I'll remember once more that I shouldn't take for granted, the things which I think I'll always have..."
Life... ah.
Listened to music @ 11:39 PM
