♥ Saturday, April 19, 2008
This is going to be a sad post.
But before I actually talk about the depressing things, let's just talk about the happy things, which is only one.
My juniors bought my presents! Nicholas Chew got me a Baby Piglet lmao it looks damn cute! Thanks! I heard that Ren Zhong got me some mouse and Yi Kai got me a bear! OMG man I NEVER expected all these... a big pleasant surprise! Haha, THANK YOU ARIGATOU!!!
Now, for the core of the post...
I'm confused now. I'm really confused now. I keep asking people for their opinions but I end up not believing them... I can't even think properly now. I only know that I am feeling upset now.
He basically treated me like a stranger again for the whole day today. I'm retarded. I went to cry with my back facing them while they were playing soccer. While I was crying, I was wondering...
"Why do I even shed tears for him?"
That's when I realized that this is the umpteenth time that I've shed tears because of him.
... Why do I give so much of myself to him? When he doesn't even care? See? I'm not deluding myself, I know and understand the truth, that he hates and abhors me and he doesn't care about me.
I asked Zhen Cheng today about this thing and he just said the same thing as Chang Jun and many other people... which is that Mark is playing with/using me.
Somehow, I wasn't convinced.
Because, unless he tells me personally that he's playing with me only, I'll never believe what other people say.
I'm so naive and stupid right? But I can't help the way that I feel...
Call me jealous or whatever but I hate it when people tell me how upset they are because of another person whom they care deeply.
Because I dare to bet with you that I am indeed suffering one of the worst emotional pains now. I don't care if I'm sounding selfish, I can't make myself consider about other people anymore.
Let's take Nicholas Tan for example. He often tells me of his troubles with a certain someone and how he feels that this someone is making use of him for academic purposes and all that...
But today. They just studied together at the study area for five hours! I mean hello? Isn't it good enough that he gets to spend time together with that someone? Me? I can't even get it.
I'm so sick and tired of trying to be happy to make other people happy. Yes, when I cry, I have to have my back facing other people so that they can't see it.
I'm so sick and tired of just being considerate. I want to be selfish, even if it's only for a day. I want to shout to him how much pain and sadness I am feeling right now because of the way he treats him. I want to be evil and snatch him away and make him mine.
But, reality is so cruel.
Those moments... especially those on 15th April kept replaying in my memory and it's like I can get so upset sometimes while thinking about them because it only reminds me even more strongly of the way that he's treating me now.
But. I don't think he's doing anything scheming, because he never would. Why would he do all those beautiful things to me... why? Can someone answer me?
Can someone help me go up to him and tell him how upset I am now.
Can someone just... relieve me from this pain?
Tuesday, 15th April, 2008 was but a sweet and transient illusion. All good things have to come an end, or so it seems. I'm now just forced to accept this harsh reality of him wanting us to be strangers again.
Can I adapt to this again? I've always had, no matter how difficult it had been, haven't I?
...
Please just tell me in my face that you abhor me. Stop bring my mood up and down with your little nuances that speak a billion words to me. If you really want to treat me nicely, then please always do so. If you want to be cold and cruel to me, then please always do so. Don't give me that freaking pattern that I can't take anymore...
Please just tell me that you truly hate me to the core...
"However many time the seasons may pass, our days are endless."
Listened to music @ 10:37 PM
